Washout day 4
Must be pushing stuff out. I’ve found myself raging while alone, driving in my work truck.
I’m just feeling pissed since people who are there to help with work concerns aren’t. Like I’m venting about old shit with people in real life, in my head.
I just thought it’d be a quiet washout. No. Not today
I keep trying to fit in my old mental box, but it ain’t working.
I had numerous remembrances today. I kept trying to sit in old comfort zones… but God it’s hard as I’m seeing it’s not accepting new changes…
… it’s that I’m hanging on to old cemented beliefs.
They’re childhood beliefs. Strong ones. These beliefs make me feel like a child.
But something somewhere is shifting, because I’m feeling much more in control of myself. I like feeling unbound from lifelong self-harming beliefs.
More to come.
Sometimes you do get random recon during a washout period. It is kind of annoying.
However, it appears you have discovered something. A shift in beliefs.
Have you heard of the listening schedule some of the long-term users are using? Most that use this one have M W F for their listening days with Sat and Sun off.
So you get two days off in a row which sometimes acts like a mini-washout, but it also is a set schedule so you know when you’ll have rest days and what days are listening days.
I switched over to a modified version because of my currency trading and I absolutely love having two days off in a row. Like I said, it’s also nice to have a set schedule for the week too.
I’m liking that some of your beliefs are indeed changing. It does suck when a part of you is stuck in old patterns. Gentleness and patience is the only thing I’ve found that works in areas like that, but it’s not always so clear cut either.
I actually expected more turbulence so far. I’m grateful to have it because it means it’s working on me.
But being completely honest, the part of me that’s been relying on these old patterns has been fighting back hard to keep it in place.
It’s memories of times on healing subs here that motivates me. I’m used to trying to control everything, and the sub begins changing everything I usually have a death grip on.
I’m usually fearing and controlling possibilities of pain. But actually feeling it makes me look back and be grateful I experienced it. I faced some of my biggest fears, and that knowledge sticks.
Growth changes me. I’m stronger going forward.
I started doing that with Phoenix a few weeks back. I’d tried it on the original DR years back, and every weekend was memorable. Life’s focus went from hiding from fears constantly to facing those fears constantly.
Since it worked so dramatically back then, I tried it with Phoenix weeks back. Yes, a mini washout. That’s exactly what it was.
Great advice 
I laughed. That’s the understatement of the century.
Usually I’m trying to be in control of everything. Phoenix shows me that I’m impeding growth, and me stepping back is the only way to help the process.
But yeah, it sucks having to learn that. Makes me realize I’m not being kinder to myself. Major growth.
Washout day 5
Going to take off subs until Monday for the MWF listening schedule
I’m still trying to slip back into an emotionally detached and emotionally irresponsible self…and me just trying to do that and live in that is a hell I bring on myself.
Example: I’m so used to hiding behind a mask to look good. But I’m freaking miserable trying to “enjoy” it, here on the forum. I’m not used…scratch that. I’m scared to be real, be honest, be vulnerable. (Tears came).
I’ve spent my whole life creating and living behind a shield to protect my heart. I’m scared I might not have “control” of myself
Pulling back for a moment, I realized something. I’m so used to looking for a shield to hide behind. It’s not finding or discovering something I enjoy. It’s “WHERE’S MY SAFE PLACE? FIND IT! FIND IT!”
Pulled off for maybe 20 seconds. I remembered…(really?)
I remembered experiences on Genesis. I was willing to do anything (with some sanity). I didn’t explore too much. But I realized it was SAFE to do so. I paired it with Primal after a while, and while I was shopping one night, the cashier said “I’ll be here all night long”. (I didn’t follow up on it, but DAMN)
I’m just fantasizing now, but I’ll allow it. I’ve been circling my “problem party” for a while. WTF is out there?
I feel like I wasn’t fair in my head while responding to you this morning. I thought it was mean of me, and I’m sorry I treated you like that. Old stuff was bubbling up, and…in my heart I felt like it came your way.
I’m sorry man.
From your posts it sounds like your inner child gets activated and needs care. It’s like a momentary emotional flashback. That clashing of beliefs can be a call for emotional nurturing from a scared child. The more you try to distance, the more the scared child will lash out.
The hardest thing when life has frightened that inner child is coming to the understanding that nobody can come to the rescue outside of yourself. That child so desperately wants the very thing it didn’t get in the past. Part of healing can involve being that person the child didn’t get. To make sure the cycle of neglect isn’t perpetuated.
Thank you. Honestly, no worries at all. You are experiencing quite a bit of growth in emotionally charged areas. I’m glad you caught it and rectified it. That is proof you are growing and changing for the better Brother. 
Thank you Fractal. You made me remember something today that validates your response about not seeking outside rescues. I’ve been leaning towards this mindset in recent weeks while using Phoenix…
I had finished a day at work and I’d gotten back to our shop. Now, I’d fumed over being disappointed in others while I was alone driving…but I was back at the shop…umm…to seek attention. I realize I do this regularly.
But today I was very zoned in on cleaning up my area and tools. Not seeking other’s attention. I even noticed it and was strangely thrilled. Like…“I’m not REQUIRED to seek their attention and approval??”
I was ok with it, and I wasn’t even trying. It just happened.
I think of your words, and I was there for myself.
Thanks for the reminder
How do I find “me” in all the mental chaos?
I’ve been thinking about what @Fractal_Explorer said last night of how me ignoring my inner child invites an inner storm and backlash. I’ve always known it’s true. And…I find myself still doing it.
A positive point is I’m really really, no…really really really aware of it. Phoenix has been crippling old self-sabotaging behaviors and beliefs steadily. And snuffing out the intensity of old fears which kept me frozen in place. So, being aware of it isn’t as bad as it was pre-Phoenix.
I’m writing because I want to focus. All morning long I’ve been online, but YT invites and encourages complete distraction from stuff that actually is worth pursuing.
First focus: subliminal plans
Wednesday I purchased my Ascension custom
Ascension Stage 1
Ascension Stage 2
Art of Trust
Essence: Human Connection
Finding Your Voice
Furious Ascent
Speaking Without Armor
Synergy: Beyond Connection
The Feedback Loop
The Fool’s Courage
The Worthiness Calibration
Virtue Series: Hope
Wholeness Connection
Days back I wrote about wanting to keep that “connection” focus from Synergy: Beyond Connection (it’s in my Phoenix custom), and I kept true to that. I honestly imagine and dream of meeting a woman and…being completely relaxed in it. Wholeness Connection was a find I’d not sought out, but its focus is to heal from old female relationship wounds while in a relationship. Beeeutiful.
I’ll admit to feeling some fears while looking ahead. Self-doubt. All the normal growth stoppers.
And for this post, I’ll add another focus I’d like to wonder about. Is this the right subliminal for me?
While writing and thinking here last night, I remembered things from my time on Genesis. In short, I felt completely open to life, not entertaining fears of loss or pain, wondering “what have I been walking right past, day after day, without seeing it or noticing it?”
I’ll admit I did pull off Genesis since I felt drawn to digging into old wounds, jumping right into DR, Stage 1. It WAS another version of exploration. But that hopeful mindset faded as I stayed on DR. I wasn’t on DR too long.
And for now, I’d wondered if I were ignoring a part of myself by using Ascension vs. Genesis. But…I remembered early days on Ascension in 2018. I’d been on a healing sub for months from another vendor, so I was open and NEEDED to push out from my cocoon of safety.
Ascension helped me feel much more powerful internally, occasionally standing up for myself and receiving pushback. ----but what hits me in my remembrance is I wasn’t glued to a “tough guy” mindset. I just saw life differently. I saw women. I noticed tons more IOI’s from women–and this wasn’t my life normally. I began seeing myself as a capable man. Not a victim of life. Not a child. Dammit, this was what I’d wanted–but was afraid of due to traumatic memories.
F*** it. I’m answering my own questions. I wanted to be a competent, healthy man AND I’ve wanted true healing of my wounds. Ascension and Phoenix. I think of Genesis, but I know it kept bringing me back to my roots, so a healing sub was sought.
I’ve got that. I look forward to this next cycle.
Your Ascension custom sounds really good.
I just checked, and I got it already. I wasn’t expecting to receive it so fast. I’ll listen Monday morning. Phoenix will be tomorrow night. I’ll be able to distinguish Ascension’s influence immediately.
I know huh? I ordered my name embedded PEACE with Synergy: Harmonic Conflux on August 11th and received it in just a few hours, and that was without the express service.
They are working out their automation process to speed things up, but they said once they have the bugs worked out it will take a couple of days for normal builds unless you want/need your build right away.
I was expecting mine to take a week or longer because they had a backlog and was shocked to have received it so quick.
I just wanted to share my eagerness about using Ascension again.
It was my first long-term sub here at SC in 2018. And this was my first alpha-based sub. I was clueless. I was honestly more anxious since the other vendor I’d been with left me feeling like all alpha subs were subs saying FU to all challengers around me. So…I never used his. I’d bought it months before. But I never used it. I’d not grown and survived thumping my chest like I was in an “I’m better than you” mentality. F that.
But I did want to sit with feeling like a man. …huh?
I had no father growing up. My mom never dated. And my brother left home unexpectedly when I was around 11. He was my guide. My protector. But he was just a scared boy too. Male role models? They were scarce. So me using a sub pushing that out of me…left me anxious at best.
My first days are kind of sketchy, but I do have one clear memory, one I’ve hung on to. Ascension advertised how you’d detach from society’s expectations…and one day BOOM. I didn’t feel like everyone’s puppet. I was not “Hey! FU! Do what I say!” (my beliefs about men being men at that time). No, it wasn’t that.
The difference was unexpected. All my guilt about not being enough as a man just wasn’t there. I felt FREE! This is, by far, my strongest pull to Ascension. Because I’ve lived like society’s puppet, pulled here, pulled there, until I simply say “I can’t anymore”. Like going uphill constantly. I’ve pulled away from many activities and associations since in my head I’ve thought “I’ll never make them happy”. With a boss. A needy girlfriend. A church. The performance trap has never made me happy.
So, stepping back into the beautiful peace of Ascension is a strong one.
AND…mirroring my two needs above (being a competent male and healing my mind), Phoenix has been active while I’ve been writing. Feeling old guilt. Knowing it’s not from passive abandonment, but from other dysfunctional family members “filling in the blanks” with what was obviously not true. But I was compliant, needing their “love”.
Phoenix seems to help me stand outside my problems and decide for myself. That is f***ing genius level shit.
I’m very grateful to have…tools to help put my life back together. Tears falling now.
Edit: “Finding Your Voice” sounds to me like the piece that was used in the original Ascension. For me, it’s golden, and I have it in my custom. From the sales page:
" Your authentic voice is buried beneath layers of conditioning, expectations, and borrowed opinions. Finding Your Voice helps you excavate what you actually think, feel, and want—not what you’ve been taught to think or what makes you likable, but what resonates as true when no one is watching. Through uncomfortable self-inquiry and honest exploration, you’ll discover and claim a voice that’s genuinely yours. Add this module to stop speaking in echoes and start expressing from a place of discovered, owned authenticity."
My story is slightly different, but only slightly. Like you I’m very anti-alpha (chest pounding overly dominant BS) but that’s because the first few years of my life I was raised in an outlaw biker life in San Bernardino, CA in the mid to late 70’s.
Funny thing is, that’s why I hadn’t looked at Godlike Masculinity. I thought it was chest pounding BS because I wasn’t familiar with SubClub yet. I kept reading great changes people were having with GLM and I realized that was the kind of mentality I was looking for (not the fake Alpha BS but being sovereign). Now I love GLM.
For the future you might want to look at a couple of modules that really could help you.
Main Character Energy. You are the protagonist of your own story—stop living like a supporting character in everyone else’s narrative. Main Character Energy helps you move through life with the quiet certainty that your choices, presence, and time matter, causing reality to respond accordingly. Opportunities will align, people will treat you as central rather than peripheral, and coincidences will appear with uncanny precision—not through narcissism but through owning your role as the author of your own existence. Add this module to stop apologizing for taking up space and start writing your story boldly.
Negative Energy Transmutation Any negative energy that comes at you, be it in the form of non self-aware toxicity,direct impulsive attacks, or even more severe actions, easily is repurposed into positive energy that makes you more powerful, more capable, successful and happy.
Pride Unbroken People leave. They can make you feel insignificant, as if you never mattered. They can prioritize others or their goals over you. They can disappear, or never even give you a chance. They can ignore you while giving others the world. It is something incredibly complex, and the feelings this causes can be with you for life. Worthlessness,powerlessness, indignation… Pride Unbroken is here to make you realize that your worth is much more than the way others might have treated you. You will realize your limitless, true worthiness, you will learn of your positive pride, while letting go of the negative feelings and beliefs holding you back. You might have been beaten down, but your Pride is… Unbroken.
I’ll be honest with you. It can be overwhelming with all the titles. You know what you want to heal, and we all want to heal it now. LOL. Once I started to get some incredible results with SubClub, I was hooked.
I saw that you added Virtue Series: Hope to your Ascension custom. That is an awesome pick. I very seriously looked at that for my upcoming first build. I love the sound of that one also.
I also noticed you picked The Worthiness Recalibration and I chuckled to myself because I picked that one for my upcoming custom.
I’m really looking forward to hearing about your growth with your Ascension custom. I don’t have to tell you, it’s not always easy, but man is it worth it. I love reading about people’s growth with these subs. It genuinely helps when you have those days that aren’t so great. It gives you hope on those days.
This came from the updated EOG. @Parsifal was on EOG, and the very first thing that hit him was his sense of worthiness to everything in his life. EOG is all about finances, but Fire made it much deeper, just as we are. I put it in a custom maybe a year back, and it came through clearly a couple of times, like “OH! That’s it!” Parsifal was correct in how it shows you the truth about what matters in life.
I included it since I wanted SOME form of financial scripting put in my head, as originally I was going to just pair it with the EOG Essence module. Then, while running Phoenix, relationships became so much more wanted and desired, so I followed that.
This was amped up by seeing a YT short of a popular young conservative who’s been doing videos for years. He’d returned home after a trip to another state, and his 4 very young kids ambushed him in the airport. His caption was “Men, this is TRUE wealth!”, as he tumbled to the ground from their group tackle. It had me in tears. Even now, just remembering it.
For shits and giggles, I’ll share an Ascension memory.
I remember the original Ascension sales page sharing how you’d walk taller, sit more upright…you’d carry yourself with importance. —and in my head, this was a contrast to my believed low self-worth.
I remember standing in a morning huddle for work. Maybe 30 guys in the room.
I remember noticing out of the corner of my eye a young guy who always was throwing little digs at me. I’ve noticed he drives like 4 or 5 visually loud vehicles. He came from nothing and seems to be trying to earn his status by assets and the like. Bright paint jobs, big tires, all that. Nothing negative. But it showcases his need.
I remember him noticing me, the unimportant new worker in the room. But what I picked up was he caught my belief in my value. I was holding myself differently without trying, and I felt it. I wasn’t saying “Please like ME!” like he was. THAT caught my attention. Ascension had me displaying my own value, and damn…I wasn’t TRYING to do that. People do notice you on Ascension.
I love that memory.
I noticed this myself, even while driving my work vehicle. I listened to the original Ascension every day, night, and at any conceivable time (pre-ZP). I had it on my cell phone playing ultrasonic during lunch. I remember being very aware that i was sitting upright, and proudly so. I believed this about myself when I spoke to people, and those are golden memories. It made me love seeing strangers every day at work.