Subliminal Changes

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#81

That is awesome. When you mentioned the story about the young conservative and his young kids ambushing him with love, I’m like you, that kind of stuff puts me in tears. Happy tears and sad at the same time.

Honestly, when you talk about your Mom, it always pulls my heartstrings and I feel your pain. Mine is different in that my Mom was never an alcoholic or drug addict, but everything else was very identical.

I’ve struggled big time over the years because I never had a good father figure in my life (tons of abuse) and my Mother was always angry and never available. I saw glimpses of somewhat healthy families and I loved seeing it, but I hurt also and tend to fall into the victim mentality. I’ve learned that all families have issues, some worse than others, or just different issues.

EOG1 hit me fairly hard because it’s covering many areas in my life that need healing. I was using RICH Trader then pulled back to EOG1. But the two main areas that kept coming up was the worthiness and the scarcity mindset that both needed healing.

And yes, you hit the nail on the head, it’s not just about finances. It’s about the internal healing of not feeling “good enough” about all kinds of things. Man, when my world came crashing in on me all this old stuff came back.

When life is good, well, it’s easy to compensate (often overcompensate) and you forget you still have these issues that need healing. I’m focusing on the core areas of life in general, but also healing the financial core areas. They are very much intertwined. Healing one and not the other doesn’t work either (for me personally).

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#82

Last day of washout
Phoenix tonight

I find myself avoiding my emotions here at work today, and I guess saw it in real time.

I met a customer at our site today, and he asked for any referrals for work if possible doing lawn Care. I took his number and didn’t expect anything to surface. 2 hours later, a guy came up to me asking if I knew anybody who would do his lawn, and I called him up and connected the two.

Well, the guy spoke to originally was thrilled. So much so that he stopped back by 20 minutes ago to give me a dinner dish his wife made. While he was talking to me, I felt that voice trying to diminish myself, saying I wasn’t worth it.

I mentioned that, and I’ve got to be honest. I do that in so many areas of life. That’s the damn truth. I do that every single day. I have things around me that I could enjoy, people around me, opportunities around me, but I say no to myself constantly. I’m not sure how to sit with this presently. Because normally “I’m fine”. But being fine is f****** me up.

I’m not fine. I do this everyday. I’m sick of eating my own bull crap. I’m not fine. I’m not fine.

Work day is almost over. And damn, I’m visualizing myself hiding from myself again going home. I’m not fine.

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#83

Day 1

1 minute of my Ascension custom this morning. Nothing’s hit yet. I’m not really sure what to expect because Phoenix has shifted my goal posts, my norm.

Again, I’m sensing me actively hiding from my emotional awareness. This bothers me because it’s how I’ve been living all of my life. I was just never aware of it before. It’s uncomfortable.

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#84

I’ve seen my Ascension custom show up 4 times today. Phoenix is active in it as well.

  1. The first is right now. I’ve been trying to avoid and to sabotage sharing this all day. I finished work early, came home, and while I was on my computer hours ago, I found myself seeking to hide here and hide there. Just not be honest with myself. I followed my body’s lead and took a deep 3 hour nap. I finally got up, prepped for tomorrow, made a healthy dinner, and am writing this now. Stabilizer’s ending self-sabotage and sleep features activating. I haven’t taken a good nap like that in ages.

  2. This was when Stage 2 was showing itself. I stopped for gas for my work truck. And quite willingly, I was in a mood to finish my day early. It was only around 10. I’d just left the store, and I was walking quickly back to my truck. Then I spotted a woman alongside a guy near the pumps. I didn’t change my pace. I noticed she noticed me, and she changed her direction towards me (it was obvious to me), but she changed seconds later, like she remembered she had a guy already.

That Ascension confidence was coming out already, and she responded to it. Dammmnnn, I’ve not experienced that in years. Even Emperor was mission focused—so maybe I wasn’t seeing reactions while on it since it pushed away distractions. But I saw and felt this. People notice you on Ascension. I felt more confidence knowing this.

  1. Phoenix has me aware of my own emotions. Way back on Ascension in 2018, I’d sense the attention, and I’d go for my mask, my shield so people wouldn’t see the real me. Today…I felt pain I’ve been holding on to, but I didn’t push it away. I cried a few times while driving and listening to music. I actually imagined crying in front of coworkers, quite willingly, for that’s ME, not some fabricated “me”. I felt quite comfortable owning those emotions today. I felt more masculine in it. Again, more confidence.

Mixing the two seems to be an awesome strategy. Real emotions with real personal encounters, like below.

  1. The last one, like all the others, I didn’t seek out. It was the second from the last stop, I pulled up, and a guy walked out since he was waiting on me to deliver his goods. Introduced himself quickly. An ex-Marine, finishing his last tour (total of 3) only 2 years ago, because I asked. Very focused. Very human. And we talked almost 45 minutes, which is definitely not normal.

I put in modules to focus on connecting in my Ascension custom, and I was very comfortable talking with him. I didn’t second-guess myself. I’m quite soft while writing now, because he was impressed…with me.

Both subs are activating in the self-worth department. Because now, many hours later, I’m wanting to diminish myself. But this guy who faced possible violent death every single day, for years, found my confidence and ability inspiring.

I find myself just not seeing what he saw in me. That chokes me up. It’s been a very active day with the subs.

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#85

Day 2

I woke up feeling happy and sad. I realize I have been talking about my life like I’m a 3rd person. I’m starting to connect with me. It almost brings me to tears just imagining it. Like… this is real?

This is amazing. It’s really happening.

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#86

As I moved around to get ready for work, I realized how easily and how often I distance myself from what I think and what I feel.

I’ll feel like a child for a moment, then shush him, hurrying him away.

But this, this is amazing.

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#87

Phoenix is working.

I’m working with the same guy who I worked with weeks back, the guy who I felt angry around.

Something happened and I got mad for a very short while. What I found was that I could not hold on to it.

That’s beautiful. That’s Phoenix in action.

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#88

Day 3
Ascension custom 10 minutes ago

That’s unexpected.

I’ve been trying to do something here for years that I did as a child. It’s not fair, and it’s not right. I’ve tried to have men pick up my emotional problems which I didn’t want to carry.

I’ve done it with friends, with coworkers, with any willing brother-type figure.

But this morning I felt physically uncomfortable, like my nervous system was on edge. I had imagined coming here and playing that manipulative role. I realized that I’m uncomfortable because either Ascension and or Phoenix are trying to close down that strategy.

What can I say? I feel uncomfortable, but if I felt this 40 years ago, I would have never pursued it. It’s like these subs are actually helping me grow up.

This is one of those times where I feel both sad and excited at the same time. I didn’t get this growing up.

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#89

One thing I have changed is my listening time. I listened to one minute of Ascension this morning, and two of Phoenix last night. I remember hearing Saint say they will activate faster if the mind doesn’t have to work through tons of information.

So I believe both are activating quicker.

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#90

Day 4
Phoenix tonight

I feel ashamed. I’m sensing being real, sensing how to be unmanipulative, and out of both fear and ease, I often go with what’s easy.

I woke up an hour ago, thinking I’d not write. But the flipping honesty is poking through, so I began opening that door.

When I opened the site here, visions were running through my mind of this front, that fake face.

More objectively, this may be what I call the Phoenix burn. I was experiencing this yesterday where I had impulses to eat crap again when I knew I needed good food. At the root of it was a belief that I had to punish myself. That hurt feeling that. I sensed my old norm being challenged. I surprisingly ate well at lunch, and I realized Phoenix and Ascension are doing real time changes.

And specifically, I’ve felt like LB is pushing through lately. I’ve felt that burn knowing I’m trying to stay in old patterns. The burn is me realizing the easy ways hurt.

That’s what I’m experiencing now. It even hurt writing this because keeping quiet was always the safest thing to do. It just cuts me off from every relationship.

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#91

Day 6

I felt it this morning.

This morning, I woke up feeling slightly saddened because I expected, just like every other day, that I’d still be stuck again in an emotional tug of war. Phoenix continually pulls me from old patterns and beliefs… but my mind has hung on to them, absolutely refusing to let go.

Something shifted though.

For about a whole minute, I was NOT hanging on to old ways. I immediately began to feel and imagine living without those old soul ties. Those painful commitments. And in just that brief period… everything changed. Not fearful. Not tied to very familiar chains.

(Even as I wrote that old reminders surfaced pointing me back to my “obligation”. My old identity)

This is why I’m commiting to Phoenix’s work. This was not a random imagination this morning.

This is the whole reason I’ve used subliminals all these years: real change happens when you’re consistent–when I’m consistent with using them.

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#92

That sense of freedom seems to be hanging around.

I’m taking a lazy day, my one day off, staying in bed, watching a movie and some YT videos.

I got up since I’ve got to do laundry and get a haircut, and that sense of freedom was felt.

I am going out. I’m wondering, honestly, if this is for real. It’s hit deep so far. And my doubt wants to win. I’m like “F that”.

Also, why is a part of me so scared?

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#93

I thought of a name I’d have given this journal if I’d known when I began it:

“I’m tired of hiding from myself”

This is the first of two off days (listening MWF). It’s digging in, and that’s the whole point of me taking this on.

But I need to come clean on something. I’ve looked over people’s journals the last weeks, and people listening to 30 second and 1 minute loops IN ADDITION to a set stack made no sense to me. I thought “too much”.

But I kept seeing it.

And for the last 2 months, I’ve grown attracted to some mental freedoms that were possible in the money subs. One major one is the worthiness to have money of any amount. My mind goes back every time to @Parsifal sharing how the updated EOG1 was kicking his butt—on the worthiness issue alone. I have The Worthiness Calibration in both customs…but it’s not landed.

I began looking back into SC wealth titles over a year ago, I purchased Nouvieau RICH back then, but I never jumped. But RICH … was changed dramatically from its first version. I bought it many years back…but I was too scared…feeling too immature in my vision…so I never used it either. But the new RICH has held my attention.

But…only 30 seconds or 1 minute? Would it land? And right along adding my new Ascension custom? With little to no recon? I waited a week, and last Sunday night I did 1 minute, pushing Phoenix until the morning. I felt it brewing, and my mind woke up.

And just like Parsifal, it’s been hitting worthiness beliefs. For example, I met a guy while shopping today at Walmart, we only talked for 2 minutes, but he asked my name and naturally shook my hand. This is unusual…but ever since starting Phoenix, I’ve carried myself differently…like I’m owning my life. Like I believe I’m worth something. I have no true understanding of it, but…it’s happening.

(I forgot why I brought that guy up). After we parted, I actually tried to “tone down” my presence. Like shrinking myself. I’ve felt ashamed of my presence-- especially when people are drawn to me—and RICH is hitting that foundational belief I carry. I’ve been trying to ask myself “do I feel worthy of this?” Often times, “no” is my first feeling and awareness.

In the words of the woman cutting my hair today, “people don’t see what you see”. (This was before I went to Walmart).

Some wisdom hit me: I used to hide behind a well-constructed mask to have you believe whatever felt right at the time. It was purely survival instinct. But since using Phoenix, I can’t use those masks. I don’t want them. And now I’m trying to exist with my real feelings and beliefs, which isn’t easy. And underneath a lot of what I’m attracted to in social circles, I’m facing my real beliefs. And they don’t mesh well. I actually had a glimpse of the real me today. It wasn’t pretty, but it was real.

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#94

Day 7
Off day

I am at work. I’ve seen dozens of individuals and couples come to our work site this morning. I’m not comfortable with something.

I’ll talk to guys all day. Easily. But a number of times, even 5 minutes ago, I felt uncomfortable speaking to a guy’s wife or girlfriend. I know why.

I’m feeling vulnerable today. I’ve cried a number of times this morning and more so yesterday when I was home. The subs are working on me. On my heart.

I imagine rejection if I drop my guard to a woman. And…

The struggle is due to my draw to women right now. I’ve got these connection modules in my subs, plus Phoenix has emotional intelligence modules. So I have an unusual ease wanting to talk and connect with women.

But Phoenix is under my skin righ t now, pulling up old wounds. I feel unusually raw.

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#95

I was looking for my victim card

I just heard an honest disclosure from a woman who visited our site. I approached her since she was alone and removing big items from her pickup. I let her know I was available if she needed help, but she was quite capable, and I respected that.

I learned that she was a hospice nurse, and after a few moments, I asked her why she got into that field. She spoke easily and honestly about why and I kept quiet a lot, allowing her to spill anything she wanted.

But that’s not why I’m writing. I felt I was in a role of desiring her company, though truthfully, I was trying to be… nice. Unassertive.

F***. Like I was waiting for her to lead.

And when we parted, I found myself looking for a victim identity. I think that’s why I’ve held anger towards women, cuz I was always expecting them to lead. That’s not what I’m proud of.

That hit in the gut makes me see why I’ve been single so long. I was angry at my wife a lot because I expected her to lead. Obviously she didn’t want to do that.

This is the very last thing I want to be known for here, but that’s exactly why I’ve been single.

There’s a small part of me that wants to be comforted by a woman, even after all this time as an adult. Ugg. I’m looking for a mama figure.

This is pointing at my beliefs about thinking I’m helpless. That’s where my mind was when I was listening to her, and that’s… That’s what I’ve used to keep from being in a relationship.

I’m gonna sit with this.

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#96

Shame. That’s what I’m running from.

I felt unneeded and inadequate talking to that hospice nurse and since it was a woman, I associated her with “all women who don’t want me” as well as “me not wanting me”. This triggered old memories—my mom was a daily alcoholic who had her own demons she ran from continuously.

When I thought of it, playing victim seems much safer than feeling the old shame which said “you’re unloved and its your fault” Damn.

The shame was powerful. Might Phoenix be able to change this? I hope.

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#97

Day 8
Phoenix last night
Rich and Ascension custom this morning
1 minute loops

I woke up realizing I am still kicking my own ass after yesterday. Growing up, I think survival meant not knowing… not feeling… not being aware of the shame I thought I was. Distraction was how I survived. And ironically, my entire existence was built on proving I wasn’t shameful.

Which is why, even to this day, I’m still focused on making sure you don’t see that part of me. The dancing around. The multiple “not me” masks. Keeping you from seeing that has been my life’s single focus. That’s what’s considered before I make any choice, and I mean absolutely anything.

Because the shame is always there.

Life priorities: Money, women, success? Every single one is pursued, or not pursued, based on whether I can wrangle or hide the shame. No relationships are because I can’t hide it from myself. Like yesterday with the hospice nurse, I didn’t pursue her or assert myself because I felt that shame and sought what I have in the past: for her to distract me from it. It put all responsibility on her shoulders, instantly making an unhealthy relationship. I knew I didn’t want that.

This is why my life’s been small. My ultimate life goal has been to have you… everyone… not know.

Gotta get up now.

#98

Day 9

I realized yesterday that I’m continually putting all responsibility on other people, like I’m the ultimate victim.

What I realized is that I’m not hiding from other people. I realized I’m hiding from myself. I did this to myself. I’ve been trying to shift the responsibilities to everybody else and it’s worked in my mind for decades.

But this was all me. I created this.

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#99

I resonated with this part a lot. Sometimes Imagine the rejection and expect, which makes me more closed off to people and not able to receive love.

Can wait to see how you’ve progressed.

I feel like like you have a great healing stack

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#100

Thanks for sharing that. I have done that a lot.

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