Subliminal Changes

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#101

I’m here, trying not to reject…myself. I’m usually looking out for and expecting people to accept or reject me…

But I do that all by my lonesome.

I was driving and delivering goods today, and since I made that post about taking responsibility this morning, I stopped and considered what I was doing.

I noticed I would criticize this driver, that driver, this exit from a community, anything which defied logic…and that’s when I caught it. “It’s THEIR fault I was mad! I’m upset because of this ill-thought-out plan!” In a 5 minute spell, I noticed how angry and hostile I interpreted OTHER drivers to be. No kidding. Someone on my tail was suddenly an impatient jerk! I’d imagine/see them in my mind as being completely selfish and rude, disrespecting me. How rude!!

And seeing it repeatedly was a warning flag to me. I spot it because…I’ve got it. It takes one to know one. I 'see" anger because I am angry. I was projecting my shit onto them.

And I found myself going back and forth between tears and more angry outbursts. A few hours in and I was emotionally exhausted. All I could do was hold it inside now, which was miserable. (I’m wary of spilling too much while driving–we have cameras in them, and years back a good boss made me aware he knew of me having a good sob after I pulled over to let it out. I was on DR St.1 at the time.)

I can share what I’m thinking…I just feel powerless,…believe I’m powerless…or I’m afraid of being rejected so I hide out while hanging on to “powerless beliefs”. I know the last one is where I was after getting exhausted today. Like I’ve locked into that stuck feeling…because…I might reject my truth. Dammit. F***ing excuses

So yes. I am here realizing I am the one who rejects myself 99% of the time. Not you. Me.

And if this makes ANY sense, I DON’T want to be felt sorry for.

—I asked myself “so, what DO you want?”

After all these years here, I’d love to feel strong and confident enough to go through this.

And today, I felt just a smidge stronger and more confident. Like old DR St.2 days. Like “yeah, I’ve got problems. So what?”

Lastly, I think I’m transitioning from my “safe norms” choosing harmful patterns, going to stronger norms being willing to face both the good and bad realities of life. So that’s why I’ve alternated between anger and tears today. Little bits of it was happening.

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#102

Thanks for sharing your insights.

Tbh I find myself doing the same. I blame others for my problems because its easier for me to do so then to take accountability of what I’ve let happen.

It’s harder to say I’m where I am in life because I chose to allow a, b, c or d then to say that its this person or that, or society or something outside of our control but at the end of the day what do you resolve blaming someone for your problems…I guess you get pity points and make your brain feel better about itself…not speaking to you but my deep psyche that wants me to remain where I used to be , when I start to slip into that mindset of blaming others for my shortcomings

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#103

I can relate too much. That’s my story right there.

I did wake up feeling not so much internal pressure this morning. I did Phoenix last night and expected more chaos this morning. But it feels almost like LB came through and did a sweep with forgiveness and understanding.

I’m pointing this out because I’ve had narrow understandings of LB. I used the new version back with new Emperor for months, but deep change was slow. And like you, I knew that old part of me was trying to keep things unchanged, and I allowed that. I was getting shit done and moving ahead in lots of ways, just not emotionally.

So this is refreshing. The norm of needing to kick my own ass is not in play. It’s definitely nicer

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#104

Day 10

I saw something yesterday which suddenly made sense. It came from the Phoenix sales page.

There’s a line in there which says you’ll definitely know what alpha means and what it does not. I’ve always taken it to mean you’ll know courage is.

I never really took that challenge on, cuz I’ve never felt truly courageous, especially emotionally. But as I sat with it yesterday, I understood. Phoenix is challenging and eroding all my b*******, the same b******* I used to prop myself up with when I was facing challenges.

But I felt without so much need to justify or amplify my accomplishments on Phoenix yesterday. Suddenly I accepted myself right where I was. And that is where I felt strong. That was alpha. That was real. That’s a strength that I’m not wishy-washy about.

Thank you @SaintSovereign for putting that in there.

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#105

I’m pretty sure LB did activate. I was teary-eyed while writing that to Saint. And I’m all teary eyed now.

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#106

Day 11

My positive question: why do I always soften up after an extended time on a healing sub?

I was on a competitor’s sub years back for emotional healing, doing maybe 3 months on it, and suddenly I was crying at this, crying at that. Homeless people. Kids asking for donations at the grocery store. Opening doors for strangers.

I put LB in this custom, wondering how it’d show itself. Yesterday it started. And even my sleep last night was different. I’m aware of how I’ve not been loving and respectable to myself.

And yeah, LB was very quiet before this. Very.

Now, I have to throw this out there. Maybe it’s a “squirrel” (ADD reference) I wasn’t sure if it was LB or Phoenix. I started writing last night, but scrapped it, hearing me being demanding to myself.

Well, yesterday I was walking towards my car in our company parking lot, and I had this loud thought: “We don’t need them anymore”. I knew it was about my coworkers. A clear explanation is needed.

I’ve felt small, I’ve felt powerless, I’ve lived like a 12 yo boy all my adult life. I’ve SOUGHT men out to be “big brothers”. And…I’ve simply used people. To lift my spirits. To encourage me.

I rarely, rarely seek them out so I can give something. I’ve felt like an emotional whore, put bluntly. I’ve been mostly a taker.

And about every relationship I have with men is colored with that. I’ve felt like shit when I see it. I know why men are generally distant. I created that. And now I don’t want this, being honest. I’m not 12! (Anger surfaces suddenly)

The “we don’t need them” was a departure from that calcified norm. Maybe it’s Ascension, because I suddenly felt independent. Grown up. …And immediately after (being honest), I felt saddened. I was going to lose old relationships… Like “I’ve actually grown”. I just forgot about the emotional withdrawal, which is inevitable.

This was so groundbreaking for me. And…today I’m going to see how “I” am. This is change happening.

Being honest, I’ll probably cry a bit today, letting go of old norms and standards. I expect this.

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#107

I just got home, and I’m sitting in my car still. I felt irritated most of the day, and thinking abou recon wasn’t there until mid morning. I’m going to explain this because, well, I’m still frustrated.

I was irritated since my route was all messed up. The guy who made the route added in additional stops which were way out of place, and I was frustrated. It took about 3 hours to get an hour’s work done, that kind of frustration.

But I became aware of something. I was getting frustrated with the drivers on the road acting like teenagers in very expensive cars. That pissed me off. I live in a very wealthy county, and I remembered something from years back.

Back in the 2008 to 2010 period, I remember seeing this behavior. During the time I was working on financial stuff with friends, so I began seeing things along those lines.

At some point in time, I started seeing frantic driving as evidence of the scarcity mentality. People were losing their asses in 2008, and suddenly these people in gated communities were train wrecks. I live in a town where appearance is everything. And what I saw was people driving scared s******* on the road. I saw frantic turns and maniacal behavior as evidence that they were losing something.

And I kind of saw that today. Not everybody. Just the ones in the $80,000+ cars.

And it slowly hit me. I am using RICH. I also habitually project my s*** onto other people. I was like wow, that’s me. That’s my thinking. RICH must be hitting me.

I just wanted to share that, because I’m uncomfortable, but I’m not stuck. That’s very very good to me.

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#108

Connected to the post above, I remember the movie Finding Nemo.

The pelicans were on the dock screaming “MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!”

I saw it today on the road. Maybe I’m having some recon.

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#109

You’re using Phoenix also so I’m wondering if it’s digging into deep beliefs along with RICH?

I was a car salesman for about a year and a half in Southern California (Orange County) and there were some genuinely rich people, the kind that price isn’t much of a thought. It’s the ones who were TRYING to be wealthy that acted exactly like you described.

I didn’t deal with the actual financing part, but as a salesperson we needed quite a bit of the information to negotiate prices and the amount of loans left on a car that they had to roll over into the new loan was mind boggling. The ones who were pretending were strapped down by massive debt. I personally would not have given 3/4 of them a loan. LOL.

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#110

That is completely possible. You made me think.

While I was driving today, I had one of those moments where I was emotionally honest with God for maybe 30 seconds. I said “I can’t even love myself!” Those are some childhood, trauma-related beliefs I have. Like I’m being unfaithful to my family if I love myself. No clue where that came from.

But damn, yeah, it’s digging.

What’s weird is the deeper it goes, I feel MORE of both pain AND relief. That last sentence was almost a “Life is GOOD” line because I felt freer than days and weeks back. Just for seconds, but it’s remembered.

I’d say maybe 5% of the town’s population has real money. Banking CEO’s, other CEO’s, actors, and the like. You never see them. The little “pelicans” grab all the attention (“MINE! MINE! MINE!”)

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#111

Day 12

This is sticking in me.

I had little motivation to write this morning. Usually, being completely honest, I have a fear of writing–since I’ve feared rejection and abandonment. And fearing the latter has kept me speaking up…just so I wouldn’t be abandoned.

Something is definitely sticking. I’m not even controlling this, but I’m feeling less glued to these old fears, the same fears keeping me “on stage” constantly. This is really working.

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#112

Real change happening

Day 13

What I wrote last night is still front and center in my mind. I’m home on my off day, and I woke up feeling more peace about this inner change happening.

To clarify, I’ve habitually and regularly sought out others for selfish reasons. I wanted to use them–so I could hang onto my immature lifestyle of believing “I can’t, but he/she can”. It’s the result of not having changed after a trauma in my early teens. I am using Phoenix to bust through internal blockages like this, and it’s really happening.

And I’m still heavily stewing on this change, as it resurfaced last night. For one, I began writing this 30 minutes ago, but I stopped. I felt that part of me seeking familiar ways, like only coming to take. It’s been my daily standard for 40+ years. It felt wrong, so I pulled back.

I got up and made coffee, highly in tune with this change going on, and my housemate’s girlfriend came out, seeking my signature for a change she’s seeking in our town. I instantly saw this mutually accepted tradeoff of “I’m here to take from you” dynamic going on, and it turned my stomach. I can’t be mad at her; I wasn’t even aware I’d encouraged this. But now something’s shifting internally–for me.

This is the first of 2 days off. This might be an truly powerful weekend :slight_smile: This is exactly what I signed up for.

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#113

I said this resurfaced last night, and that’s not accurate.

I had a encounter with an older woman yesterday while making a delivery… I rung the doorbell to seek feedback about something, and the resident’s mother came out. She was pretty, and her smile helped me relax. I sensed my old “give me the answer so I can go” mentality rising, but I let it go. I had a few moments of just being me.

Within seconds, I thought “I could date her”, which normally isn’t on my radar. I just found myself opening to something I’ve not experienced in quite a while. I sensed that she was possibly on the same wavelength.

But I did keep it professional. My mood was rising, but I kept on point, returning her smiles and looks.

And this happened because I dropped my norm of insisting people treat me like a helpless kid. I was not manipulating her, and that was so freeing.

This is a BIG shift in me.

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#114

I’m having observations left and right about my life right now.

I’m passive to making choices very regularly. Soooooo much of my time is waiting on people or circumstances so I can follow along and play an old role. I’ve never been so aware of it.

But why is this being shown to me? Or…what belief is being focused on so i can do differently?

What can I do differently?

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#115

Day 14

I’m struggling. I’m disappointed with myself.

I’ve been trying to bury my emotions since I think I’ll fail trying to be good enough to earn your love. So I don’t even try.

That’s exactly what I’ve believed all day. I didn’t think I could articulate it, but I did.

This came to my awareness near the end of the day at work. I was approaching a customer to possibly help him, and he was a young guy who I’ve talked with before. Not about emotional stuff.

I felt my emotion rise quickly TO BE HONEST WITH HIM (it could have been ANYONE), and I held it in.

That’s the story of my life. I ALMOST trust myself and–I stop. I retreat from what I want. And that’s exactly what I did today.

I came home and held my dog for a short while, weeping some since… I don’t trust myself.

This is a core issue. I know how to revolve around this. I just don’t know how I can break through.

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#116

Day 15

I woke up feeling the emotional need to spit out thoughts and be honest again, just like yesterday. So I spilled to God for a minute or two.

I feel like stuff I’ve held in and hidden my whole life might actually be coming up. In my 20’s I remember seeking to bring this up via counseling and 12 step groups. I rarely felt safe enough.

Could this actually be happening?

It seems like it is and I’m excited to see this.

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#117

Day 17

Phoenix is doing something, and I’m just becoming aware of it.

I’ve not written for a few days, as I felt I kept trying to fit into old molds and identities. “The wounded guy”. Stuff like that. So I blew off writing. But something was brewing on a very low heat, barely detectable.

I’ve been feeling old pain, old triggers, and also old mentalities I’ve hidden behind. And then…these last two days I’ve been raging and reacting to shame of old family happenings–and the beliefs that “I’m responsible for it”. I’ve been carrying this set of beliefs my entire life.

This has been coming into work since I’ve kept imagining a rejecting and shaming boss (or bosses) just tearing me down. I’ve had these beliefs a very long time, and now I’m making the bosses “the bad guys”.

Well, the short of it is that I’ve not really been afraid of responsibility. I’ve been afraid of the memory of that old shame I felt. For example, should I do X? …I’ll remember just a shred of old shame, and I’m like “absolutely NOT!”

For real world purposes, I am maybe 4 classes from being eligible to teach in the public school system. I went back after finishing my BA in 2000 and took about 7 or 8 classes so I could jump in. But I pulled out when I began reliving (internally) old beliefs that I couldn’t do it. That I was just wretched. I just couldn’t handle the shame I kept feeling…

Currently, I work in the transport industry, but I DON"T have a commercial driver’s license. Same reason. Same issue. Low achievement means less emotional triggers.

That’s likely why I paid $3k to join a crypto trading group about 5 years ago…and have never put any money in it.

Today I realized Phoenix is working on that exact issue. I’ve been shaming myself for not taking on more responsibility in life. Today, i realized that’s not really true. I am scared of reliving old shameful beliefs, and responsibility just brings that sense of shame into focus.

I think Phoenix is removing my hideouts and my excuses. Maybe. I just bought hundreds of dollars in small cap cryptos…so something is at work.

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#118

Does Phoenix repair me not trusting myself?

Day 18

I discovered something lately, based on my experience. I used another newer vendor’s subs for many months prior to returning to SC for this latest attempt at healing my old wounds.

And I often hit a roadblock with them. I always read his scripts (we met in a subliminal class online, and he’s been building his subliminals and his site since that time). So I knew what was in the subs, and I had great experiences using them.

What I realized using Phoenix was that neither he nor I ever included was rebuilding and restoring my self trust. Self-love, security, confidence, and attraction were always included. But never self trust.

I’m going to be open since I did put this module in my Ascension custom: Art of Trust. It focuses on rebuilding a trust within. This was hitting me in recent weekends, and damn, that right there is what I’ve CRAVED. I’ll share my understanding.

Confidence: I can look good for a while (living off other people’s attention), but if I have no foundational self trust I’m wasting my time. Confidence can feel like just another shield to hide behind when the core issue is overlooked

Self love: Feels great initially, but if I’m fearing another failure or reminder of childhood failures, that effort leaves me with a gaping hole in my soul. It kills my motivation to keep trying.

Security: Same as the others. How can I feel safe and secure when the me who wants to come out and see life doesn’t trust his inner abilities? Or that I WON’T sabotage everything again (since sabotage is painful, but it’s familiar. Healing old wounds can lead me to grasp for what is familiar)

So, my point is that a healthy self trust is MANDATORY to heal emotionally. Missing that makes healing so much harder and time consuming.

Done for now.

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#119

Day 20

Something showed up. I hadn’t expected this.

What came up today started yesterday morning, as instead of listening to my Ascension custom for one minute, I listened for two.

Then, someone liked my 2025 Khan journal this morning, and I spent some time reading it and reliving old feelings of strength and decisiveness I had while using it. I do miss those feelings.

But…why’d this pop up? Two minutes brought this up? What’s in my Ascension custom?

Answer: a LOT of connection modules. I read my Khan journal, I remember the self-assurance I had, and I desired…relationships. This morning, I felt strong AND vulnerable at the same time, enough to clearly see what I desired.

I thought this was Phoenix originally. But the pull to relationships helped me see the connection modules were activating. I relished in it.

Also, and this is big, I’ve been…trying to stay stuck. (I only admit that since Khan reminded me of NOT doubting myself constantly, so I’m putting this out there). Something that’s very clear is I felt dominant and in control of myself–which are masculine beliefs I didn’t grow up with. In short, I’ve felt inadequate as a man. Even in this journal, I’ve pushed my truths aside since I thought “that’ll make me look bad. People will reject me, so NO” And reading my Khan journal, I was spitting stuff out clearly and regularly.

Years back, I thought Khan was too much. Too offensive. Overly ignorant of my “conservative” (meaning fearful) ways. Because I rarely, rarely approached or viewed women as partners I’d really want to chase down. All I’d do was imagine it briefly. And I’d run from sexually tense situations. That’s the truth.

I’m not planning on jumping to Khan…right away. (This is normal recon). I just dismissed its value post-Khan, as I jumped off too soon. Also, I HAVE been thinking of sexual healing since I still feel resistant to such a lifestyle change. I considered rebuilding my Phoenix custom, adding Aphrodite to it, and using my full name instead of just my first.

But truth be told, I miss the full package: Khan. I’m considering when I’ll use it.

Edit: Another major reason Khan draws me in is that it obliterates one’s victim mindset. That is an old hideout of mine. I remember Khan making those excuses useless and unwanted. That makes me feel so much stronger in my masculinity–seeing my only choice as taking action on something.

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#120

Day 20

I worked today. No problems (internally) with people all day. Well, not until after I’d listened to 2 minutes of my Phoenix custom. I purposely listened to 2 minutes since 2 minutes of my Ascension custom opened my eyes. So I tried 2 with Phoenix, exactly before going into a gas station to get coffee for my drive home.

My problem was evident to me instantly. I’ve seen this same cashier about half a dozen times before, and I mentioned his beard since he usually doesn’t let it grow bushy. He explained he wasn’t cutting it anytime soon.

And…I immediately made it about myself. I said I’d not done a beard in years…and the realization I instantly made it about myself bothered me. I felt like I hogged all the attention. I’m embarrassed since I did want to make it all about me. Like…that’s sick. Selfish.

It still bothers me.

It’s scary to admit this, but I sense this is a good realization. Like I felt like a high-schooler gloating… It bothers me since i took advantage of his limelight. I feel like I stole it.

I feel like I’ve been doing that with others lately: using them for my benefit. And that digs at my gut. Like I’m using and possibly abusing others…to make myself feel good about myself.

It bothers me bad.

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