Cycle 4, Week 3, Day 3
15 min each KB1, K1, NRICH.
Fell asleep again… heh.
Crazy dreams.
On washout now until Monday.
Considering going back to the old Khan for one cycle… there was ‘something’ about those 2 cycles with the older version that was really clicking for me.
Dreams like–
The world being invaded by zerg aliens, teaming up with another person, outfitting ourselves in power armor, and rigging explosives in buildings where the aliens were going to. But watching the world go to hell.
Hanging out on holiday with some new people by climbing to the outside of their 30th floor flat and dangling on railings.
Shrug
NRICH? results?
OK sexual control failed last night. Noticed myself feeling way more beta/anxiety-ridden today. Like went to gym and the girl from last time was there and waved, I nodded back.
Feeling some anger, like, there is nothing wrong with me. Hard to articulate right now.
I think I told myself “4-6 cycles of each early stage of Khan/Khan Black”, so I have 1 more cycle with KB1, and 2 more cycles with K1 left. Will try and actually RETAIN for at least this last cycle of KB1 lol.
And Khan I’m tempted to run a cycle with the old version, and final cycle with new version.
Torn between NRICH and Sanguine - feel like some assistance with mood and calm would be so welcome right now.
“You want a piece of me, boy!?” (terran theme music intensifies)
Trying to remain honest about my shadows without indulging a victim mentality.
I have a fear and resistance around letting people in.
Been burned to the core.
I have a shame and resistance around letting people in.
Because I’ve done things I deem to be disgusting.
Sex doll. Hookers. Etc.
Such opposite to the front/mask.
Imagined rejection from others. Ridicule. Judgement. “Creep, weirdo”
Rejection of self, creep, weirdo.
Lifelong erection problems… getting close to a woman again… facing those fears again.
All these complex threads of memory and limiting belief coalesce as a lightning-fast flash of anxiety when faced with the situation.
This traumatised part is so young. I see a woman younger than me, and this part sees her as older.
Looking outside for security and validation.
Looking for that parental ‘It’s okay’.
So anxiety around dating? Uhuh.
I feel like if I talk about myself, it turns into a therapy session.
All my relationships about soothing my pain.
It feels weak, immature.
Bouncing between fragile vulnerability/victimhood, and aggressive self-bullying and criticism.
Bouncing between internalised mother, and internalised father.
Looking at everyone around me as superior, better in some way.
Now huge thanks to you @GoldenBird for your post. It’s appreciated and I’ll reflect on it.
The pranayama I do is gentle, really. A few minutes nadi shodhana or spinal breathing (up to ajna and back down muladhara, never to crown). BUT I’ll take this as a sign to re-read some recent posts in the KB thread and approach the energetics afresh.
Some real gold insights.
" All these negative emotions are only optional suffering that we dont have to partake in. The lesson was already learnt through our clear thinking. Once we realize something, all that frustration, anger, sadness, dissappointment etc… its not actually needed for the lesson to be remembered because it was already learnt the second we realized it. Now its time to let go, move on and know that we are better than our yesterday self. Celebrate! You did it! You are now a slightly more capable version of yourself and another step closer to your ideal : )"
Reads on repeat
Taking this one to heart, too.
Some real collective wisdom on this forum. Grateful to be here.
The past literally does not exist.
Also.
If I’m the problem, I’m the solution too.
Getting some confirmations about self-love being a needed key.
KB, Khan TB, and LBFH next cycle.
I was 0.2 seconds late in a TG chat and the person just ahead of me was gifted $400.
I keep getting my face rubbed in the ‘have not, without’ reflection
crying fit earlier, feel anger now.
I need to reduce exposure.
even more of my posts on my site are deindexed.
woe is me.
Burn this little man away.
Cycle 4, Week 3, Day 5
Rest/washout.
There’s definitely restructuring going on.
How can I describe this?
It’s like being slapped with reality.
And the one who seeks reassurance all the time is being told “Mama ain’t coming. Up your game little man. You’re on your own, what are you going to do?”
Khan is working.
My mind is finding real solutions.
I am going through real growth.
Yes, this is real, and yes, this is happening.
I trust the process.
There’s a lot processing away and there has been some pretty serious recon, I think I’ll reduce the listening times a bit next week and see if I can integrate this into something more harmonious.
Life’s not fair and being nice doesn’t get you far.
You can whine all you like.
The god of ‘There’s something out there that can help you’ is being killed.
Seems like everything is ‘against’ me. I’m seeing movement in opposition to all of my manifestations right out out there.
I will try to trust that this is movement in my favour, seeming otherwise, and persist.
Cycle 5, Week 1, Day 1
KB1 7:30m, LBFH 10m
Reducing exposure for a while. This cycle is Khan Black 1, Khan 1, LBFH.
Mood and energy are low, kind of in a frozen state at times. So easy does it.
Cycle 5, Week 1, Day 3
KB1 7:30m, K1 10m
Maybe it’s the recon speaking.
But I need to get my money up, to set myself up for life, and get a place of my own.
Ain’t bringing any women home to this paper-thin-walled houseshare anytime soon.
Thus recon thoughts about switching stacks.
Just observing it.
Under this is the gut-level fear and pain that has haunted me for as long as I can remember.
Edit: Did some tapping, feel some relief.
I can’t be swimming in this degree of recon and depression while my business is struggling like this. My motivation is shot.
I don’t even have money to eat this month, will need to borrow and scrape by.
When I get money, I’m going to buy Sanguine.
I’ll try KB/K/Sanguine.
but if I’m still too mentally fcked with this combo, then it’s back to Emperor because getting my mental health and finances sorted is more important, and conducive long-term to Khan goals anyway.
LBFH 10 min, Khan Total breakdown 10 min
Meditated after.
Housemate was making noise, this has been an issue lately.
I just shouted from my room “MEDITATING. 5 MINUTES” and he stopped making noise.
It’s good to remember I have power.
LBFH/Khan actually feels really good…
Power, Stillness, Peace.
