Had a productive week all-around though, I’m approaching my work and art with renewed vigor. Had a good blend of spiritual practice, exercise, work, art, social time, and pushed myself a bit beyond my normal limitations.
Feeling that ole’ tender heartbreak feeling right now, thinking of past lovers.
My lady housemate made a comment that even though I may not feel different inwardly, it is easy for her to see how much I am changing. More grounded, solid, lighter, warmer. The way I talk, what I walk about, all changing.
So that was cool feedback
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Cycle 3, Week 3, Day 1
Khan Black 1 - 15 min, Khan 1 - 15 min
I woke early and set the subs playing. It may have been so early so that I just queued them up and forgot about the timer, so ended up playing full loop of each.
Fell back asleep and had some intense dreams. I struggle to remember in detail, but some key points:
My dad told me I was doing something in my life wrong, and told me how to go about it. I told him words to the effect of “Or you can stop telling me what to do, and I’ll do it in a way that’s right for me, how about that?” To which he smiled sheepishly and in defference to my will.
An ex of mine from years ago was trying to seduce me, I was not interested, I felt anger towards her. I didn’t want her.
Back to the waking day, I’m bringing in some more intense belly breathing into my Sadhana. I feel so much stuck crap in my belly area that I need to help loosen up physically.
Honestly, this emotional constipation in my belly is driving most of my dissatisfaction in life, so time to get to grips with it.
Gym went good.
Motivation to earn money is up, so going to go work now.
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Flashbacks to the times I stood up to the test and went deep.
Was always rewarded for courage.
@Leandros think you’ll like the icaro bro.
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Absolutely
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Cycle 3, Week 3, Day 3
Khan Black 1 - 15 min, Khan 1 - 15 min, NRICH - 15min
Played the subs when I woke super early, fell asleep, so listened to full loops again. Oops.
NGL I’ve let myself down for a few days.
Smoked a couple cigs at a friend’s house. Relapsed with PMO once. Ruminating on breakups.
Low vibe post, I know, but this is a part of the journey.
I have a 5 day washout now before starting the 4th cycle on KB/K. Hopefully I can do the subs justice in my actions next cycle.
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Cycle 4, Week 1, Day 1
Khan Black 1 - 15 min, Khan 1 - 15 min
Just logging in my listening session. Actual journalling later.
I notice people get out of my way a lot, though.
I asked a german girl for her phone number, but all I got so far is a 9
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Cycle 4, Week 1, Day 3
KB1 - 15min, K1 - 15min, NRICH - 15min
Listened early morning, fell asleep with subs on and ended up a full loop of each. Should try to stay awake with a timer when listening to more than 2 lol.
Had a dream after listening where I was incarcerated. One of the inmates tried to stab me. The warden asked me questions, promising an early release, and I snithced on the inmate. I then had to spend several years living amongst them while keeping this secret. As the years went on, we all started to get along and build camaradie. One day, the attacker’s best friend confronted me and basically hinted that they know, and that in future don’t snitch, that one should pretend not to know.
We all ended up getting on much better after this, like a real fraternity. And when someone went psycho, we knew it was the demons our brother was battling.
I draw a parallel between this dream and my own relationship with shame and secrecy.
One of the main things bubbling forth, begging to be dealt with, is secrecy and shame around my sexual past, specifically some things I wrote about earlier.
It’s like an intrusive thought.
On one hand, I try to forgive myself, for I was in great pain.
On the other hand, they were the actions of a creepy lil’ bitch and not of the man I want to be.
The self-critical side of me actually feels like the stronger place to reside in.
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This may actually be the way forward past this shame.
Is to call out the weak behaviour for what it is, and in doing so, separate myself from it.
: )
One thing I learnt not so long ago is that once we make a mistake, acknowledging it as one and moving on is the best way.
We tend to feel shame and battle with that inner voice for forgiveness while its trying to convince us that we bear some sort of chains of past guilt but thats not true. On top of it, we can hardly ever fully win this inner argument with it as it never fully shuts up and so it is better to refocus our attention to a different thought which I will present here:
All these negative emotions are only optional suffering that we dont have to partake in. The lesson was already learnt through our clear thinking. Once we realize something, all that frustration, anger, sadness, dissappointment etc… its not actually needed for the lesson to be remembered because it was already learnt the second we realized it. Now its time to let go, move on and know that we are better than our yesterday self. Celebrate! You did it! You are now a slightly more capable version of yourself and another step closer to your ideal : )
/pats you on the back
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Hot damn, thanks. That’s helpful af.
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Had a productive day, bit some bullets and spent some dollars on fixing up my website.
Whitehat backlinks, and some error fixes.
Feels good to get some pro help.
Thanks Khan/NRICH.
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Cycle 4, Week 1, Day 7
Day 5 was KB1 - 15 min, K1 - 15 min
Incredibly absorbed in my artwork right now.
I feel like I’m making big progress on it.
I look forward to releasing it in the next couple months.
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Cycle 4, Week 2, Day 1
KB1 - 15 min, K1 - 15 min
Some recon, maybe.
The volume on the ‘beta’ within has been turned up a little.
Heightened emotionality, victim mentality, whining.
Time to shed awareness on it.
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Cycle 4, Week 2, Day 3
KB1 - 15m, K1 - 15m, NRICH -15m
Upped gym from 2 to 3 times a week.
Cycle 4, Week 2, Day 4
Rest day
Decide, right at the beginning, that you will finish all 4 stages no matter what, even if you feel that absolutely nothing is changing (a side effect of the reconciliation fog that comes with intense reconciliation). Khans are made in the fires of adversity.
That is what I am experience at the moment. This sense that nothing is changing.
If I zoom out, I can see that in the past 2 cycles I have:
Stopped smoking, been smoking for years. 
Stopped the microdose of sleeping pill I’ve been on for years 
Upped my gym to 3 times a week, even despite pain. 
Made strong investments into the future success of my business and trading. 
Complimented a random girl on the street girl. Asked another girl if single. 
Poured a ton of time and energy into my art. 
I have struggled with:
Sexual discipline 
Confidence with women 
Shame
Actions I can still take:
Contact tantric masseuse to arrange another session.
Set the intention to do some hit-and-run approaches and give compliments to women, like excuse me I gotta go but I just wanted to tell you ….
Good things coming up:
Starting a course of therapy in the next few months.
Got a medical appointment coming up in the next few weeks.
Got physiotherapy starting in the coming few months.
Tantric healing massage, must arrange.
And yet, the sense that nothing is changing. lol. Recon is weird, eh.
It’s possible that the volume on some things I don’t like about myself is slightly increased, so I numbed out a bit to not face them. Parts of my subconscious… I can best describe as a “victim, feeling unloved, feeling apathetic, feeling unattractive/unworthy./ why do bad things always happen to me etc.”
I’m just affirming the opposite at the moment.
Cycle 4, Week 2, Day 5
KB1 - 15 min, K1 - 15 min
Woke early, 4 hours sleep, like every day this week since stopping the sleeping pill.
Morning meditation nice and early, then ripped a heavy workout at the gym.
Complimented a woman on her doggy
DId some work.
After meditation this evening, felt so angry. So I put on a bioenergetic class. Then thrashed out some old tunes and danced around my room. Felt in touch with that tribal primal part of self.
and That, that is what Khan is guiding me to unleash.
*Cycle 4, Week 2, Day 6
Rest day
Had a dream last night where a guy came up to me and was trying to scam me of money.
I confronted him in a very direct way.
I’m feeling more… aggressive/combative today than usual.
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Ofc, that could be in part due to only getting around 4 hours sleep a night this week since stopping the sleeping aid.
Cycle 4, Week 3, Day 1
KB1 - 15min, K1 - 15min
A woman struck up a friendly conversation at the gym.
Another guy gave me a thumbs up and a hey.
I joked/laughed with the cashier at the grocery store. I came out with witty funny comments without thinking.
I’m owning my workouts and feel like a badass during them.
I’m laser-focused on my artwork (NRICH maybe), the website is more of a discipline piece.
I just need to fucckkk this shame off.
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