I took a little time to look at what the two people I’ve shared my more personal ‘failings’ with had to say:
One partner: When you have done in the past are only consequences of the suffering ou have received. Don’t be ashamed, don’t hide, just be the amazing person you are. Depression is serious, and it pushes us to do these kind of things. Everything is acceptable. The past belongs to the past.
My tantric therapist: All our shadows just need love.
We act from these wounded places, and do what we need to do to try and feel some love.
This is no big deal, aside from how you feel about it
So, a good woman will understand and be kind.
A woman who would not understand or be kind, is not for me, and potentially lacks the maturity and compassion I would seek in a partner.
Just need to work on being kinder to myself about this.
I sure hope Khan/KB can help me to not only bring things up, but heal them. Atm it’s like all my crapola is in my face. I know I play an active part in this. But a little subconscious nudge to get past this is welcome. Again, looking forward to New Khan on Monday.
Going to an ecstatic dance tonight, cacao and music to express to.
I can feel this social anxiety, which ties in with all these shames.
My action tonight is not to ‘talk about’ my stuff, but simply to show up, and to go with the music.
I had some flash of inspiration to make the most of the night.
I -may- have cheated and listened to the new Khan TB for 3 minutes, and Wanted Black for 3 minutes also.
So, the dance event was around 25 people, several attractive women, etc.
My demeanour was composed, warm, more confident.
Made a few jokes and was actively social, striking up conversations with a few people despite my anxiety. Just ‘lean into it’ and lead the interaction.
We had a sharing circle at the beginning where we each checked in.
I said that I am feeling a bit of everything, and that I pushed myself through social anxiety to be there. That I am here to let go of some shame and shit, and bring more fun and joy into my experience.
Well received.
The dance itself was cathartic, liberating, able to move through stuck energy, old thought patterns, and have some fun expressing different energies and archetypes both masculine and feminine.
I had some glances from the girl I found especially attractive.
At the end of the dance we had another share, I just said “Mission accomplished” and people laughed.
Sat around and I struck up another couple of conversations with those next to me and had fun. The girl I had my eye on was in another kinda closed circle and it would have been kind of unnatural to insert myself. I’m 90% sure if the setup had been more conductive, I would have pushed through any anxiety and started a conversation with her and ask her for her number. I kind of made the decision while dancing that I would do this if the situation leant itself to that.
Still, it felt good to be social and proactive.
And as I was walking home, I passed an attractive stranger. Blonde lady, kind of reserved looking.
Without thinking or feeling moment’s hesitant, I said - I don’t mean to intimidate you, but you are very pretty. Have a great night.
Then afterwards had a little, did I just say that? moment.
One thought that came in is that I have portrayed the world as being scary and hostile, judging etc. and that rather than build up my ego “confidence” while harboring a ton of low self-esteem thinking noone would accept the real me, I need to start totally breaking down my walls, and that maybe, just maybe, I am safe, loved and accepted. That most people I associate with are good, cool people, and those that are not I can choose to not spend time with.
Had a few thoughts like “Everyone loves me”, and “That girl likes me” lol.
Think we’re possibly starting a group cuddle puddle in the future, so that would be dope.
I want to get my business working and earning me good money, so I can enjoy more things in life.
I really took some satisfaction in being with a community tonight. I want more o that.
Met a guy at the dance and going to his men’s group at some time in the near future.
Saw the tantric masseuse there also and we had a good chat, going to have another session in the near future.
Want to go on more workshops, retreats, festivals etc.
There’s a hunger to transmute within and reach a point of satisfaction, enjoyment, power and clarity.
Cycle 3, Week 1, Day 1 KB1 10 min, New Khan 1 10 min
What if I consciously relaxed during listening sessions? What if I tapped/EFT during listening sessions as needed? What if I didn’t make such big stories about myself? What if I didn’t define myself by my past? What if I learned how to be more social? What if I learned how to talk to girls? What if I could create an amazing experience for the girl as well as myself, instead of having it be about my fears and needing assurance? What if I was bold? What if I was relaxed in my body, full within, and trusting? What if I went for Brahmacharya, and would only release with a woman? What if I actually quit vaping? What am I about?
Since listening to the stack this morning, noticed an increase in energy and a near-constant monologue of thoughts like the above.
Coffee, gym, and work.
What if I -actually- applied myself at work and had faith I can make it succeed? What if I watched some videos/reading about interacting with women, so I had a skillset in place for if I see a woman at the gym I’d like to meet? What if as my comfort zone expands through taking action and exposing myself to new ideas, the concept of approaching women actually became comfortable, even fun?
The monologue of such questions and ideas is near-constant since listening to the loops an hour ago. lol.
Change hangs in the air, and the war drums echo in the distance. They’re getting nearer, and the earth is trembling.
The power of this combo is hard to describe.
Like an army is marching on the battleground of my mind, mercilessly slaughtering my limitations. My doubts are too weak to survive the arrival of the Khan.
My vape just run out… I’ve been spending way too much money on this pointless addiction… and Khan says, “Don’t vape.”
I’m literally watching my rag-tag bunch of foot-soldiers (limitations) getting dominated by a superior force. I’m starting to hope this new force wins the battle, and it seems by all account they’re making good headway.
It seems like my old limitations feed on fear to keep themselves sustained, but this superior force feeds from a far more powerful source.
Oh boy, my addiction is really in for a beating now.
Cycle 3, Week 1, Day 4
Rest day (Day 3 had KB1 10min, K1 10 min)
It is a fierce battle, a battle of exterminating all the weakness, fear, jealousy, envy, laziness, wickedness, victimhood and anything else that is holding you back, that torments you, that limits, usurps and controls the true power hidden within you, the power that is yours by right.
I’ve quit vaping…
Something I’ve flirted with for months, but Khan has helped me find the drive to just push through the withdrawals.
Did have a struggle with porn a few nights ago, like a final farewell.
Just gotta remind myself daily that I am not an addict, I’m not a wanker, and I’m not a smoker!
Cycle 3, Week 1, Day 5 KB1 10 min, LBFH 5 min, K1 5 min
Might be better served cutting out the LBFH and just keeping it focussed on the Khans.
Skipped gym and work today, I have hip pain and bad nicotine withdrawals so giving myself permission to take it easy this week and recover. Did some pushups and abs at home instead.
The first stage of The Crucible is an intense and transformative healing process. This stage delves deep into your psyche, targeting and repairing any traumas, insecurities, or limiting beliefs surrounding your sexual energy and sexuality.
In the ‘bringing stuff up’ part of this, sexual samskaras being observed.
I’ll write more on it later, for now the focus is forgiveness .
Ive been there my friend. Addicted to porn for like 15 years, most of the relationship of 11 years I have with my wife I still shot it to porn.
Trust me, the other side IS much better.
But I couldnt do it without the subs. They were a BIG component in getting there.
And it wasnt about getting her to do crazy shit. It was about overcoming myself.
Cycle 3, Week 2, Day 1 Khan Black 1 - 10 min, New Khan 1 - 10 min
Nearing the end of January, so just doing a quick review of the month to help align myself for February.
Healing - Feel I’m settling into a nice rhythm with meditation and with the subs. There’s definitely a lot processing but it feels pretty manageable right now.
Sex - I’ve developed some positive new habits which seem to have manifested their way into my life since beginning Khan Black in December - namely the Angion method and Mindgasm. Had some kickback from the old PMO habits, but I am glad now to have many useful tools I can replace it with. I’m now actively improving my sexual health at a very practical level.
The emotional shame/fear around sex needs some further healing, one action I can take in February is to contact the tantric healer and arrange another session, whilst continuing with my other healing and growth work.
Online business - OK, this one is a really slow burner. It’s making me $2/month, not even enough to cover hosting. I have been lazy, demotivated and full of writer’s block. I experience anxiety that my website will never get out of the sandbox, that it’s a terrible site, etc, and I isolate myself from the support and mentorship available to me. One action I can take is to message my mentor now and have an honest conversation with them.
Strong/athletic/healthy body - One big win is that I quit vaping this week! I’ve been going to the gym, but have been doing upper-body only because I injured my back at the beginning of the month and it still hurts, especially going into my left sacroiliac joint and even down into the left leg. There’s no way I’m squatting or deadlifting right now. Ideally I would contact a sports physio directly, but money is short, so I will bring this up with my Doctor.
Positive/masculine characteristics - I mean, yes, to a degree, The subs are helping me with feeling more connected with my masculinity. It took a degree of inner strength to push past some shame and social anxiety and go to an event last weekend where I spoke bravely and with sincerity, and got some attention from ladies lol.
Enjoy dating/sex/romance - I complimented a stranger, and had conversations with women. I’d put this more under emerging from my hermit cave to socialise than dating though. But it’s a small beginning.
Transformation/becoming best self - I’m becoming aware of the habits that propel me forwards, and those that pull me back. It’s about arranging the weights on the scale to tip in my favour. I do feel like the subs are pulling their weight here in terms of self-concept.
So, actions for February aside from the routines.
Arrange a tantric massage
Arrange a chat with my online business mentor
Get my hip checked out
If I see the woman who really caught my eye again, ask her out
Gym Mon/Fri Escalating Density Training - Squat 65kg, Deadlift 70kg, Front Squat 60kg, Dip BW, Chin BW, OH 32.5kg, Neck curl 15kg. Core Alpha Phase 1 / Step 3
Angion Tue/Thu/Sat - 5 min Ultrasonic therapy, IC kegels, 5 min root focus/reverse kegels, Angion Pump 15 minutes, Mindgasm session, 5 min root focus/reverse kegels, 5 min stretchout (30 min stretchout on Saturday)
Mindgasm - 30-day challenge beginning today, Mon 29th Jan. Fit each day’s session in around the schedule. No porn / masturbation for this month.
Work - 3-4 hours a day. Work 10 mins on/10 mins off is focus is whack. Try to get 20 articles done this month.
Art - Do in your free time in evenings if not socialising. Model the pillar and wall pieces.
Angion/Mindgasm/Penis Stuff
Took measurements effective for the end of January.
Think I am learning how to measure correctly, as quite different from last month.
BPEL - 18.4cm / 7.24" (Actually pressing into the pubic bone with some force, now including the .5cm before the ‘0’ on the ruler for a true measurement)
Girth at base, - 16.8cm / 6.61" (Less than before, took care to remove any scrotal skin).
Honestly, I’m fairly happy with my size. I mainly want to focus my efforts on improving my EQ, hardness, staying power, angle, and pelvic health etc. Get into peak sexual health. If I gain 1-2cm then it’s a bonus, but anything more than that might be undesirable lol.
Moving into February, I’ll be increasing my Angion pumping sessions from 10 minutes to 15, as I’m getting used to the exercise.
I also today start a 30-day Mindgasm challenge - so no masturbation at all this month, just doing the Angion and Mindgasm sessions.
I’ve already noticed a much more relaxed, warmer penis, a fuller hang, seems more plump and healthy and alive. I’m also gaining a small measure of strength, control and awareness around my pelvic floor. I notice throughout the day when the PF gets tense, and consciously breathe into and relax the area.
Had a fleshlight session last night and noticed that as I breathed into and relaxed the pelvic floor, the urge to ejaculate reduced, and was able to go longer and languish/enjoy the session more. I’ll re-measure and re-test in a month or so at the end of Feb.
Speaking of Mindgasm, just had my first session of the 30-day challenge. I notice that the bottom and center muscles are very much linked, it is nigh-on impossible to contract one without contracting the other. That said, I feel like I can shift the emphasis of the contraction towards the desired muscle. Base is definitely much stronger than the center. Center muscle needs relaxation, and gentle contraction, to begin to come alive.
Noticed at the end as flexing the entire source area that it felt pleasurable… the analogy was like squeezing a hand… squeezing the entire PF around the prostate etc. And my hips started to shake spontaneously.
As I explained here, I feel in need of some extra assistance with my finances/hustles.
I purchased and tried 3 mins of NRICH today, and am pretty impressed so far.
Felt a push to contact my mentor and just ask him for help. He actually got back to me really quickly, within a couple of minutes, took a look through my site and has assured me that what I’m doing is good enough, I just need more content and backlinks, and he’s getting me in touch with a contact for link building. Quick and easy, and my faith is restored in the future of my website.
My friend/mentor with the 3d modelling messaged me out of the blue, called me, and he started going over numbers on the Unreal marketplace, about how much he was earning, and encouraged me to get something up on there.
I went to work on my website this afternoon when my housemate fell to his knees screaming with a sudden onset back pain. I rushed to his aid and supported him as he fainted from the pain, I had to call an ambulance for him and help him until the paramedics turned up. I was calm, assertive, and it reminded me of my days working in healthcare. My housemates commented that I have a great, helpful, confident, caring demeanour and that my help during the emergency earlier was invaluable. Makes me think of how healthcare is providing real value to people, and how much sense of self-respect and ‘status’ I felt whilst working in that field.
I need to stop beating myself up about my site. I think I just need to focus on making sure the info is helpful to people, even if it’s not perfect quality.
This evening I actually loaded up and did artwork for 3 hours, and really enjoyed it. I could have gone on for longer easily but I must respect my sleep schedule.
So all-in-all, had a thought-provoking, encouraging, and inspiring day in relation to my career and finances. I’ll probably work NRICH into my listening schedule once-a-week in place of LBFH.
Angion/Mindgasm stuff
Day 2 of the Mindgasm 30-day challenge today. This was more of a functional workout than anything particularly pleasurable. Faking it until I make it with seperating out the pelvic muscles. When contracting the center just beind the testes, I could feel the muscle faintly but more distinctly from the rest of the PF.
Did 12 minutes of pumping, move to 15 minutes on Thursday.
When I went out to see friends on Monday, I noticed my mannerisms were more confident and dominant.
I was able to make slightly edgy jokes to them - you know, the ones that would offend them if they took seriously, but due to being friends, made them and everyone laugh. Banter.
I was also able to give one of them a genuine complement about their quick wit and sense of humour. It’s a quality I always noticed and admired in them, but I felt able to be authentic and let them know I like that quality.
Cycle 3, Week 2, Day 6
Rest day (Day 5 was KB1 10min, K1 7 min, NRICH 3 min)
Cheated this evening - K1 3 min, WB 3 min
Probably overexposed.
Went to another ecstatic dance tonight.
Introduced myself confidently to the group.
Danced in an authentic way.
Approached and danced with the girl I saw last time.
After the sharing at the end, I approached that same girl and we had a brief hug.
We started briefly and we both felt kinda awkward, I had nothing to say lmao, excused myself.
Went to toilet and repeated to myself ‘Fuck fear’.
Went back to the main room, sat myself next to her in the circle, and said to her infront of everyone
“Hey I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, but I’d like to ask you an indiscreet question… are you single?”
She has a partner, but was flattered.
Through the evening I had some fun dances with girls, and had some nice comments afterwards about bringing their energy out thorugh my own enthusiasm.
etc.
Well, I’m proud of myself for taking action.
And a bit lonely.
