Some low mood surfacing.
Topical recon, I believe-seeing my current circumstances.
Was able to visit my parents and enjoy my time there wihtout extreme internal pressure, though, I think S:tE is helping me in that regard.
Listened to Sanguine: the Elixir for 7 mins, WB for 3 mins.
Took myself for a walk around nature for an hour.
Reconciliation is going on, it is not inherently bad. It’s just the nature of reconciliation, to reconcile.
Made a very spontaneous/hilarious sexual joke with my housemates, I won’t go into detail but I had everyone in stitches for multiple minutes.
Reframed a slip into depressive modes as a need for self-care.
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People move out of my way more? lol
Started new cycle today
Day 1: Sanguine: the Elixir (8 mins) and Wanted Black (7 mins)
New cycle began today.
I mean to finish this year as I started it - with Khan and Khan Black.
I intend to run 2 cycles of each stage in tandem.
Monday - Khan Black, Khan
Wednesday - Khan Black, Love Bomb
Friday - Khan, Love Bomb
Today I listened to 10 minutes each of KB St1 and Khan St1, for a 20 minute listening session.
My prayer is to keep stripping away what no longer serves.
Ran a hapé and bodywork ‘ceremony’ of sorts today that helped me get into my belly centre.
Manifested a cheap invite to a week-long online workshop with a novel approach to resolving childhood trauma. Jumped at the chance.
To speak on previous cycle of Emperor/WB/S:tE - Noticed a growing interest in my appearance, paid a small amount for a ‘looksmaxx’ consulting service they’re looking at my photos and gonna make some tips for me to get handsome as possible. Invested in face cleansers, oils, a gua sha, etc.
Had some full-day work-days, Emperor focus.
Been able to drop my sleeping medication, and reduce my SSRI, all at a slow, measured rate, it is still progress in the right direction for me.
Listened to Khan Black St1 and Love Bomb this morning, at 10 minutes each.
This course around ending therapy is interesting, to say the least.
Trauma as a structure of polarities that is built ontop of our underlying pure essence.
Discharge the polarities, all is well again.
Week 1 Summary
This week’s listening schedule went as follows:
Monday - Khan Black ST1, Khan ST1
Wednesday - Khan Black ST1, Love Bomb
Friday - Khan ST1, Love Bomb
I listened to 10 minutes of each title, each time, for a total of 60 minutes listening this week (20 minutes of each title)
Gains/manifestations
A preview experience of having what doesn’t serve stripped away - feeling deeply at peace, calm, in masculine polarity and bliss.
Respectful and friendly communication and interaction with others.
Manifested a week-long course this week, an hour each day Monday-Friday, looking at addressing trauma - actually resolving it. This work seriously bought some real calm and release.
I wish to do the full course, but it is too expensive at this time - I will need to save and revisit the idea next year if still relevant.
Beginning this cycle coincided with the beginning of October - I’ve decided to practice semen retention for the rest of the year, so for a three-month period. This times well with 2 cycles each of KB1/K1 and then KB2/K2. I can then hit next year entering into Stage 3 of the titles, at which point I may switch out Love Bomb for Primal Romance, to expand the Self-Love into the romantic arena and be channelled into the action taking of Stage 3 Khan.
Signs of the subs working away at something
My deepest sexual wounds/shame coming up with a vicious emotional intensity. Being pushed into the vulnerability state - desperate to confide in someone about this, feeling real fear around this, embarrasment, self-judgement. Yet to take the plunge and talk to someone about this, but it definitely feels like a Khan Black and Love Bomb thing here about sharing my ugly parts with someone in hopes of finding some transformation through that vulnerability.
Some physical anxiety, and default negative thinking - Khan TB is working on something.
Basically, many of my ‘blocks’ to the subs objectives are coming up in a kind of tyrannical inner-critic and stressed out monologue.
Difficulties
Had one or two moments of recon lasting a couple of hours each - feeling more intensely emotional - this did manifest in some stroppy, petulant, annoyed-kinda behaviour and I whinged at a housemate - I became briefly tearful afterwards, and apologised shortly after - something under the surface is being processed and it is leading to this kind of emotional breakdown/breakthrough thing that I don’t fully grasp at a conscious level.
Things to focus on for the coming week
So - firstly - recon this week did get a bit harsh at times - as hungry as I am to make progress, I will reduce the listening times slightly to 7:30 of each title instead of 10 minutes… I’ll get 15 minutes of each title this coming week, for 45 minutes total over the week.
I will continue my meditation practice, gym routine, and time towards my art/work as normal.
I will consider opening up about my pandora’s box to a close friend - this feels scary, but kind of important as a lot of my problems in the interpersonal realm come from SECRECY and AVOIDANCE, which is really an attempt to avoid being vulnerable, sharing my imperfections, and being potentially ridiculed (or even, potentially, being loved).
I will creatively try to work with the methods I learned during this weeklong trauma course. I may not have access to the full course, but I can creatively apply what I did learn to other areas and I will put 20 minutes into this each day after my meditation session.
This is a powerful stack.
Pranayama and meditation, now empowered by Khan Black, Love Bomb, and Khan… I feel in sessions, deep stuck constrictions getting loosened up.
Brahmacharya has been practiced now for 10 days with good discipline. It’s all working beautifully together.
Lethargy is present also. Yawning and stretching like crazy. I feel like I’m putting down some heavy weights internally though.
But I have moments now of just putting down ths layer of traumatic material that’s clung over my essence for years, starting to come loose - sure it is scary, but I remind myself to trust.
Also worth noting that morning wood is becoming more regular.
Some dreams to do with sexuality and relationships, no big surprise there.
Powerful combo, sheesh.
Week 2 Summary
This week’s listening schedule went as follows:
Monday - Khan Black ST1, Khan ST1
Wednesday - Khan ST1, Love Bomb
Friday - Khan Black ST1, Love Bomb
I listened to 7:30 of each title, each time, for a total of 45 minutes listening this week (15 minutes of each title).
This listening duration still felt like a strong push with definite signs of subconscious processing.
Physical recon reduced from moments of fairly strong anxiety, to more of a low-grade anxiety. No outbursts towards those around me. 7:30 is probably about right to be pushing my boundaries and growing, without falling off a cliff.
Gains
This stack is definitely stripping away the old identity.
I experience as the ‘tearing down’ of old structures as feeling into the emotional pain underneath a fear or limiting belief, and just fucking screaming it out until the fire in my belly comes up and takes over in the spirit of Khan.
I experience it as a silence in meditation where all those old traumas dissolve, at force, into the open space of consciousness.
I’ve had moments seeing myself in the mirror of admiration, pride, and the whiper in the back of my mind - finally, something good is happening, something is shifting.
Felt an immediate surge to get a sexual health check so have followed that up.
There is less panic/negativity when the ‘embarrasing’ things from my sexual past come up to mind.
I’ve now completed the first 2 weeks of my 12-week retention/abstinence.
Difficulties
Aside from dealing with unpleasant thoughts and feelings fairly regularly as part of the reconciliation, I noticed myself feeling pretty lethargic with little motivation to workout or engage in my ME routine, etc. This resulted in me skipping a few days here and there.
I’ll cut myself some slack as clearly I’m going through some quite profound healing and the treat this as a needed week of recovery.
That said, I’ve been SUPER dedicated to my art project and have taken strides forward.
I was unable to ‘open up to a friend’ as mentioned last Sunday - my friend received a call about a relative in their home country who had unfortunately passed away, and she has been gone this time. However, the intensity of negativity has kind of diminished, ALSO does a Khan really need to vomit his shames over another person for some hope of ‘you’re ok’? Seems powerless and an activity of the old identity, not of the Khan.
Things to focus on for the coming week
So sub-wise, this coming week I’ll only have two listening days. I’m planning for 5 minutes each of Khan Black and Khan on Monday, and same again on Wednesday (with 10 minutes Love Bomb) - then a four-day washout before next cycle.
I’ll attempt to balance out the art-obsession by making sure I get my two workouts in and keep a regular lifestyle going.
Taking a break from approaching women etc. until January when I start Stage 3 of the Khans. Kind of of an inward journey for the first and probably part of the second stage.
Week 3 Summary
Monday - Khan Black 1 6:30m, Khan TB 5:00m, Love Bomb 15:00m
Wednesday - Khan Black 1 8:30m, Khan TB 10m
Alright so listening times went out of the window a bit (alarm issues) and decided to add it up to 15 minutes of each this week. I’m now on a washout until next week, when I’ll begin the 2nd cycle of this run of Khans. Likely going with Stage 1 of each again.
Certainly some fog of reconciliation going on.
Love Bomb is coming in… felt knots loosen in my heart… and a connection to something sublime.
Alternate view on the resentment to family.
We were all wounded and traumatised.
Hate is making it personal, attaching to it, recycling it.
Dare to forgive, perhaps.
Let God in to heal this generational wound.
Cycle 2, Week 1 Summary / Week 4 Summary
Monday - Khan Black & Khan
Wednesday - Khan Black and Sanguine: the Elixir
Friday - Khan and Love Bomb.
Tried StE, felt it was wrong and to continue with LB this cycle.
Each sub was around 10 minutes per listen.
I’ve now completed four weeks of retention.
More energy in the lower chakras - some big emotional surges/releases… Khan really makes me feel a fire in the belly, and it’s like a growling purge of old crap.
More energy in the sex centre.
Finally got my facial aesthetic report back with some tips, going to start implementing them. Probably replace LB with Wanted Black next cycle to assist in the physical shifting among other goodies.
Finding hard to journal in detail on the psychological side. Complex shifts, hard to write about?
When you realise you’ve been listening to the OG Khan Total Breakdown for the last 5 weeks, and not Love and War
Oops haha 
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R-r-r-r-recon.
Vacillating between “I forgive myself for everything I’ve ever done wrong. I forgive everyone who has ever done me wrong” and “Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou”.
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hahahahahhaa
love this!!
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Glad one of us does LOL 
Thanks for the needed laugh
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Today, I ran a full loop of Khan TB and of Love Bomb.
Then had a small, magical cup of tea.
“I am purging, and I am free of this pain”
Did some bioenergetics to bring up the anger and the tears, and let mysel cathart out.
Gut level.
Then sat and journalled…
I will replace my sleeping pill by taking melatonin and magnesium.
I will replace the last small dose of SSRI by taking 5-HTP.
I will replace coffee with chai, and taoist tonic teas.
What does my anger need to say?
Loud and clearly- fuck you.
That I am my own man.
That I will not be manipulated.
That I am not a ‘nice guy’.
That I cannot afford this fakery.
That I am not some nice little pushover/agreeable weakling anymore.
What does my fear need to say?
That I’m terrified of being vulnerable, making myself open to being hurt again.
That I am terrified of my secrets, my mistakes, my failings, of being found out.
That I have fear of pissing others of, of being judged by others.
That I have fear of unrestrained honesty.
That I am afraid of my guilt resuracing and getting stuck in some kind of guilt/confession OCD.
What does this guilt want to say?
That I have done wrong and need to be punished.
Hiding things… the broken PC. My sexual history. My political and world views.
What am I grieving?
My childhood.
My relationships with my family.
My relationships with women.
Missing out on life.
Losing my job, partner, standing, income, mental health.
The anxiety would have me looking outside for forgiveness… obsessed with confession… but why?
What am I really seeking?
Freedom from anxiety. Peace of mind. Stability.
What assurances do I need in order to trust in the forgiveness of myself and others?
That I will still stand up for myself.
That I will advocate for myself.
That I will set boundaries.
Then my true self, integrity, adult masculinity remain pure and available to me.
That I can still defend myself, fight if needed, and not make excuses for others.
I feel sad that somebody close to me suffers in life. I feel afraid of losing myself in trying to save him. I feel some guilt for not always being 100% honest with him, having omited certain things in the past to save myself the pain of their wrath. I remind myself that practically, logically, the situation is not so bad.
After all this catharsis and introspection, I sat and did a forgiveness meditation for half an hour.
Peace.
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I think it would be helpful to run this kind of ritual and reflection for myself at least semi-regularly.
So much simmers under the suface, giving space to scream, cry, yell, then time to sit and write and reflect, then time to bathe it all in forgiveness and metta.
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Khan has been kind of brutal…
I think, definitely in first stage, journalling is paramount.
Some kind of structure to work with all the changes.
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