When your formative years are chaotic, hostile, and terriying, you don’t develop into a healthy person with a sense of safety.
People who got a good upbringing, I think, are unable to relate to the ‘have nots’.
Not to stay in victimhood, but even the term victimhood feels like a hostile label used against people who are genuinely suffering.
I’ll start Sanguine when I have the money to, probably by next cycle.
I need to focus on getting my money up.
Money to put towards getting to Peru for plant medicine, and for other healing/meditation retreats.
Still need to go through tantric healing course, too.
That’s the path for me, I think. Tried the normie route and I get rejected and shat upon at every turn, so I’ll take it as a sign from my higher self to focus on the shit that really makes me feel alive and authentic.
I went out and did some more ‘hit and run’ approaches today.
I wasn’t really feeling it, just did it because I would feel I was letting myself down if I didn’t, you know? Discipline piece.
Responses were mid at best, lol.
I made a note of some of the internal monologue going on at the time…
“J you are TAKING, you’re trying to GET, you’re being SELFISH”
“J you don’t really want to be here”
“J you’re being pushy”
“J, they will think that: You are a creep. That you are objectifying women. That you are a threat. That you are acting unnaturally. That you are attempting to worm your way into a woman’s favor”
Just observing that negative mind chatter and bringing it to awareness for now, while continuing to act in line with my goals.
Oh, and Friday was… KB3, LB, Asc 5 or 7 mins each.
And today WB 5 mins.
Will write more later about my sub useage.
Looked at porn for about 1-2 minutes - first time in what feels like forever, probably 3+ months. Then got my rational brain online and stopped.
Monday…
Love Bomb 7 minutes, Ascension 7 mins.
Mantra meditation 20 minutes
Affirmations for 20 minutes
Irritability.
Pot of coffee. 
Can of energy drink 
Walk to the gym.
Rep out squats and bench press, get out the olympic rings and rep out some chins, do some isolation exercises, core/abs, stretch out.
Notice an attractive woman, feel an instinct to approach her as I’ve been practicing these past 3 weekends.
Notice my inner fear, resistance - “not now, you’re a sweaty mess, you need tog o and research how to approach in the gym”
Realise that I have received a nudge from my subconscious to take action, so no matter my resistance, I have to do it.
Finish my cooldown, she’s still there.
Say fuck it, go over and say hi.
Tell her I’m not stopping as I’m a tired sweaty-ass mess but that I noticed her and wanted to say she looks amazing… I don’t want anything, just sharing the love, have a great day etc.
She smiles and is thankful etc.
I leave, feeling proud of my self for taking action, however ‘small’.
I walk home and notice an attractive woman, she crosses the street in front of me.
I instatly exclaim “Excuse me, I don’t want anything but you look amazing have a great day”.
She’s really happy and thankful.
I keep walking.
I’m proud as these are hit and runs I did in the moment, without having gone out with the intention of doing them. I just noticed, felt the urge in the moment, and acted on it.
KB3 - 15 min. LB - 7 min. Ascension - 7 min.
Washout now until next week.
I deserve to fuck too.
Need to put some thought for my next cycle.
Ascension and Love Bomb seem a good foundation.
My mood/tension could really benefit from some Sanguine.
My ‘talking to women’ experiments could really benefit from some SSX.
My hair recovery, male enhancement, body building, and attractiveness could all really benefit from Wanted.
Gym.
Respect from men.
Helpful comments.
Warm greetings.
Complemented woman at doctor’s surgery.
Highly irritable.
Anger work this afternoon.
Refactoring things.
Slow down decrease in medication, bumping back up slightly.
Removing the binaurals.
Reducing my meditation practice time a little.
Reducing subliminal exposure, 5 min loops max for rest of month.
Went out again today…
One complement given .
Idk what it is toda, was going to do more but just wasn’t lining up - every attractive woman was like just logistically in the wrong place at the wrong time, or with the wrong company, etc.
I know that you seem to focus a lot on giving compliments but have you considered instead starting our small talks as you go about your day with strangers? It could be interesting shift and might form more personal connections if you ever meet again. You know… more natural feel to it. Women might feel less tense when you’re just talking or joking about something with a stranger and then going about your day. Just good for thought.
Thanksyou.
Yeah, the complement thing is just like the most basic, short thing.
It’s, for me, a way of getting past the habitual, shy, don’t-talk-to-women sheltering.
Of course, I don’t want to stay just complementing people and leaving… it’s like a training wheel, I guess.
So thank you - yeah, there will come a time to expand it.
And I’ve made small talk a couple times with strangers, it’s like doing some approaches lubricates the social muscle and then I’m more open with people in general.
Work in progress. 
Monday - Love Bomb 5 min, Ascension 5 min.
A number of circumstances occurred on Sunday and Monday to push against one of my weak links - that of standing up for myself, asserting my boundaries.
I’ve been able to reflect, process, and communicate my boundaries - this involved some amount of anger and anxiety on my part, but I was able to deal with the situation maturely.
I’m rewiring from a freeze response… more “fight” / anger to integrate, and then find the adult way forward.
It is foundational progress - kind of in the trenches, nothing glamorous, but it is exactly what it needs to be.
Other results:
I’m getting far more invested into my appearance this past month - I’m looking into facial health - mewing, chewing, getting floss and a tongue scraper and teeth whitening strips to try and recover my pearly whites.
Got a hair-regrowth regimen going with topical dutasteride, RU58841, minoxidil, ketoconazole, rosemary oil and microneedling.
Also looking into some basic diet supplementation to optimise my hormones - zinc , magnesium, d3/k2, occasional boron etc.
Joining a $15/month onliness fitness community for some mentorship, accountability and commaraderie with weightlifting and fitness. I’m running a twice-a-week routine at the moment with a focus on high intensity compounds, low volume, and my strength is exploding. I’m noticing that I’m not fitting into some of my t-shirts due to muscle growth also. Pretty awesome.
Considering I’m doing all of this in addition to male enhancement, I’m feeling tempted towards Wanted to maximise all these efforts. I may include it later.
This cycle is Ascension, Love Bomb, and…
Sanguine? Sanguine: the Elixir? Wanted? Sex and Seduction?
I’m leaning towards Sanguine: The Elixir.
I’d really benefit from some calm, relaxation and stoicism.
Also something to help me gently heal some stubborn self-critical thoughtforms and habituated stress.
And S:tE also encourages self-love… which could free up the slot from Love Bomb in subsequence cycles.
I’ll sleep on it.
As I lay in bed last night, a sense of relief and pride washed over me.
It felt like a reward for standing up for myself in a mature, loving way recently.
Like I’ve been taking action on the subs.
Like there’s hope.
Unwrapped my shiny new toy yesterday,
Sanguine: The Elixir 
I decided to listen to a full loop last night… if I listen to Asc and LB for 5 minutes each on Friday, that makes for 15 minutes of each sub this week, so I’ll allow it.
Woke early (around 3am) and after failing to get back to sleep, decided to meditate then rest a while.
Here’s what I’m noticing already-
Greater awareness of my body and the tension and stress it is holding.
Stress in the brain and head, stress at a deluge of thoughts, stress in the shoulders with associated anger energy, stress in the belly, stress in the pelvic floor, in the feet, the ankles, etc.
A greater awareness of the link between thoughts, beliefs, and stress. I was walking to the gym this morning and as soon as my mind started meandering down an unpleasant road and my body started reacting by going into stress-mode, an awareness of what was happening arose and from there I could make a decision to breathe and relax.
An awareness that I’ve been in a fight-or-flight survival response to some pretty traumatic experiences for a long time, and that I deserve to relax, take care of and nurture myself. That I need to balance that masculine push for advancement with some gentle down-time.
Had some more stressful dreams this morning, all centered around family… ended up sleeping for 12+ hours.
Back to the subs tomorrow.
Dreamt of being in the Amazon, preparing for a plant medicine ceremony.
I remember the feeling of, “Oh,I’m really here, I’m really doing this”
And then a sense of “Ah crap I need to tell my father I’m away” with a sense of stress.
Takes me back to the age of 18, wanting to travel to South America for plant medicine, and my father stopping me in a most rageful way.
Noticed a slight increase in depressive tendencies the past few days, I think it’s a coping tool for the anger and -urge to vent- at my father.
Going to remind myself of some things, listen to StE and Ascesion, and meditate.
There is something profound in centering oneself.
The rage at my father is stored in the body, BUT is also played into by identification with an old story.
But identifying -with- the past, I become subject -to- the past and lost in that illusory hell-realm of memory and injustice.
But if I am everywhere, if I am -now-, then, there’s nothing to be caught by the memory.
I don’t need to worry about him, because I’m divorced.
The sub that brings me instantly into this zen-like state, filled with power and presence is Wanted Black.
I’mma take a washout for the rest of the week, and restart again on Monday.
Considering swapping out Love Bomb for Wanted Black. WB contains self-love scription, and so much more in line with my desires. Also considering a move from Ascension to Emperor to build on the last 2 cycles.
That stack provides everything I could want.
Masculinity
Discipline
Wealth.
Romance.
Physical Shifting.
Passive Attraction
Seduction skill.
Sexual skill/confidence.
Peace of mind.
Mental health.
Healing.
On a few occasions yesterday, random strangers would begin to smile at me when I passed them on the street.
Washing out for the rest of the week, next cycle is going to be Ascension, Sanguine the Elixir, and Wanted Black.
Secret/shame/I am bad - I had a sexdoll, I’ve visited sex workers, I’ve had e.d.
Anger/rage - I hate my dad for what he did to me. But them shame and fear around that rage, around beng ‘found out’ for carrying it within.
Trying to grok that the shit I feel shame about is…
I don’t know. Old? Archaic?
Who allows themself to feel such deep shame?
Sure, the actions weren’t ideal…
But I was completely heartbroken, crushed, lost my job, lost my home, heavily depressed, started on medication, all my dreams broken, landed into massive financial debt, with a crushing history of romantic rejection, breakup, infidelity, borderline wanted to die… so a doll provided a little comfort, a little pleasure, to help make days bearable… yet I feel such anger now, I don’t want this to define me, I’m trying to take action in my life, I don’t want to be haunted by shame or the threat of humiliation if I open up to someone.
I hate the sense of double-mindedness, of witholding secrets out of fear of being mocked or judged as weird.
I fear the judgement of others, and I fear that I agree with their judgement of me - that I am weird, a creep, a loser.
So many layers upon layers of distortions and trauma and limiting belief and the way through is radical self-forgiveness, and DETACHMENT - I am NOT the past.
OK, 1st September, 1st day of new stack - Emperor, Wanted Black, and Sanguine: the Elixir
I intend to run this stack until the end of the year, at least.
Sunday - Sanguine: the Elixir - 5 mins.
The NEW Emperor - 5 mins.
S:tE is like… liquid honey, in audio form.
Got to planning next week:
Committing to a full pranayama and meditation practice at 30 minutes twice a day. (I’ve been doing 10-15 minutes without great consistency, then wondering why I’ve not seen much progress - well, let’s correct that).
Monday and Thursday will be largely committed to physical shifting - I’m putting time aside for muscle-building, male enhancement, ‘looksmaxxing’, and some bioenergetics with a focus on vocal toning and relaxation and EMBODIMENT. I’m calling these days masculine gene expression sessions, or gigachad days. 
But these sessions will be sure to synergise with the physical shifting contained within Emperor and WB.
My most ‘short-term’ money-making activity at the moment is to get my environment art pack finished and up on the marketplace. So that will be taking most of my ‘money’ time. I’m putting an hour aside to keep my SEO skills fresh, and an hour to begin to learn trading (I networked and got some resources to start learning recently).
It’s a pretty social week upcoming, with four social occasions in addition to my planned ‘daygame’ session on Saturday. So plenty of time to practice relaxation in social settings, and allow the subs to breathe.
Going to step away from all this micromanagement, take a microdose and go for a long walk in nature now. Enjoy your Sundays, everyone.
Day 2 - rest day
Slept a little long.
Had some crazy dreams, disturbing - I was a patient in hospital, being wheeled around in front of a full class of student nurses, while the head clinician loudly announced every flaw and embarrassing secret about me, the students all looking at me clinically and taking notes.
I was then being treated and remember declaring “I am so. so. angry.” That felt legit.
Then I said “and I’m so sad and ashamed” and that felt like a cop-out. No. I was angry.
The medics around me treating me with care and support.
Woke late, but stuck to my full morning meditation practice, then went to the gym.
I really ENJOYED this workout.
I also got some eyes from women.
One woman still lingers in my mind. I will talk to her next time.
Done my male enhancement routine. Time is getting on.
Stopping for a coffee, then it’s time for pelvic floor training, looksmaxxing, and some bioenergetics with a focus on loosening up my voice.
Then meditation again, then food.
Then some time on SEO - I noticed my mind bringing up some mild anxiety/annoyance at the length of silence from my business partner - I need to tune into that and see what action I must take.
Very pleased with the subs so far. I’m looking forward to Tuesday, I’ll run WB (maybe WB/StE), full day of artwork, and in the evening people are coming over and we’re pulling the projector out for an outdoor movie night.