I think one thing bothering me is that I have difficulties accepting that I am in control of my reality, no matter how much I convince myself that I am.
Partly it’s because of the immediate and wider environment I live in, where I exist within different layers of internal and external power structures that are directly and indirectly trying to control me instead of me being able to influence them.
When I speak of “power structures”, I am also making references to the “pendulums” mentioned by Vadim Zeland in his Reality Transurfing books. I have also recently taken an interest in learning more about Michel Foucault and his understanding about power. Other ideas that I am influenced by also include those by Richard Dawkins, who speaks of “viruses of the mind”.
In short, I find that I don’t seem to have that strength to fight against whatever is boxing me up. I have anxiety everyday thinking that I am in some kind of mental prison, and don’t have that energy to get out.
Another thing that has been bothering me is that I can’t seem to let go of my desire to “experience”, since I’ve been boxed up by all these external power structures larger than myself. There have been lots of milestones in my life that I missed, but most other people in this world went through because I have been living within walls mentally and socially - walls that I built around myself because I never had the strength to fight against the external forces.
Perhaps this is ZP really making me go deep into myself and asking myself what I really want in my life. Perhaps, for the real me, seeking approval and validation is something that will only satisfy me short-term. Approval and validation would not give me that freedom I yearn for.
In fact, I get the idea these days that instead of myself getting approval and validation, I am subconsciously giving others the approval and validation instead, and sometimes I feel “wanted” by these external power structures because without me as the operating power, they cannot exist.
Yet, I have not fully absorbed this belief that I am the sole operating power. Because if I am the sole operating power, that means I have shaped and manifested every single result of all of you Subliminal Club users in this forum! Also, if I am the sole operating power, then Subliminal Club is my imagination pushed out, an expression of my energy!
Of course, this raises the question - then how come I can’t shape my own future?
Ok, this mad man has enough of rambling. Need to get back to the real world.
