Glad I’m going on washout
Recon coming in as self-hate and wanting to switch subs early.
I started reading On My Own Side by Dr. Aziz Gazipura. It’s a book on self-love and compassion. The book’s intention is to help you turn your harsh inner critic into your kind and compassionate best friend.
I’m enjoying it so far.
Washout
A woman a work groped my bicep and said, “Ooh, you workout?”
She wasn’t attractive to me. Even so, I didn’t mind.
But I do find it funny that if the roles were reversed, I’d probably end up with an HR case, and possible termination lol
Washout
I finished doing a set of 4 weighted pullups with 55lbs and a guy at the gym came and told me:
“Yo, doing those at that weight is mad impressive!”
Washout
I took a walk in the park with my shirt off today because it’s hot af where I am. I’ve never walked in that park without a shirt on, but today I decided to do something different. I’m pretty insecure about the fat I’ve gained while bulking and the hyperpigmentation on my skin. Nonetheless, it didn’t stop me and I had a good walk today.
Washout
I usually listen to motivation podcasts while working out. Yesterday, I listened to an episode of Motiversity that caught my attention. This episode featured an excerpt of an interview with Kobe Bryant. In this interview, Kobe reflected on story of when he was 10 years old playing basketball one summer season. He said that summer he scored ZERO points the whole summer. He felt devasted, but a very important thing happens at the end of that season. His father came to him, and said, “Son, whether you score zero points or sixty points, I still love you.”
As listened to that, I wonder of his dad would’ve treated him any different or showed any signs of disapproval because he had a terrible season (like most basketball dads nowadays), would we know of him today?
Washout
Even though EmpB is in my custom, I went out to socialize and I had a good time. Cry Laughed a lot last night. It felt good.
ZENTHOS 2.0 - 5m
L&D - 6m
I started back talk therapy again today. I also scheduled a phone consultation with neurofeedback therapist near me.
ZENTHOS 2.0 - 4m
L&D - 3m
I learned how to do a judo hip throw MMA class yesterday. During sparring, I was able to effectively use it even though the technique was new to me.
Zenthos 2.0 - 3m
L&D - 4m
Recon is hitting hard. Depression and anxiety has gotten way worse. I got one more week left and then I’m going to have to drop Love & Darkness. My mind is heavy af.
On a bright note, I finally finished and graduated from Cybersecurity Bootcamp yesterday. And it started 6 months ago. Time is going by so fast, it’s crazy.
I’ve decided to invest in neurofeedback therapy for my depression and anxiety. I got a brainmap scheduled a couple weeks from now.
L&D - 3m
Last day running L&D. I’m going to have to let it go for now.
I’m getting a lot of reverse recon in the form people testing me and being dominant towards me at work. My demeanor is probably giving off those kinds of vibes. Unfortunately, I fail every time. I’m too fcking nice. I think I’m too attached to that identity. It sucks.
I probably shouldn’t have run EB while working a job, but whatever.
Last day of cycle was yesterday.
Starting Washout today
Washout
I worked 60hrs for the first-time last week. I’m looking forward to seeing what that check looks like.
I had some unexpected social encounters at work.
Washout
Today marks 6 months of No PMO. I’m proud of myself for it. I believe inner gasoline is contributing a lot to this.
ZENTHOS 2.0 - 3:30
I got my brain mapped today. My practitioner had me sit comfortable in a chair with both my eyes open and then closed while he monitored my brainwaves. This took about 20 minutes. When he finished, he showed me a 3D model of my brain and where in my brain there was under-activity or over-activity. The model pretty much confirmed that I had depression, anxiety, and other issues. To be able to visually see though was nice.
Introducing a new custom to my stack:
FOUNDATIONS ZPv2:
I’m looking to start making progress toward improving my finances. I’m not going to say anymore than that because I’m dealing with some brain fog right now and I can’t think for shit. I’ll be running 30s starting tomorrow.
Pre-sults:
Mogul: I worked 6 10 hour days in a row for the first time in July and I banked my first $1000 check on payday
Limitless: I committed to neurofeedback therapy last week; fees paid in full .
I didn’t notice anything else, but I’m looking forward to seeing what I get out of this.
ZENTHOS 2.0 - 1m
FOUNDATIONS - 1m
I got a summary of my brainmap back:
It’s a lot going on. This is basically saying my brainwaves and brain are fukked up! lol.
Nah, I really don’t know too much. I do know that an optimal brainmap shows a whole lot more green than what is present here.
From what I understand, it’s showing that I have too much delta activity going on, which explains the depression, and not enough alpha and beta activity. (Red= abnormally high, Blue= abnormally low)
I’m hoping this process works for me and gets me back into the green zone.
What are you using to get these brain measurements?
It’s a qEEG map. I’m not sure what the actual tech is called, but in essence, a blue cap with 19 sensors is placed on the head to detect the electrical activity in the brain. I was instructed to sit still and stare at one spot on the floor for 10 minutes, while my practitioner gathered data, and then do the same with my eyes closed for another 10 minutes.
ZENTHOS 2.0 - 15m
FOUNDATIONS - 15m
I got a gut feeling to run a full loop of both customs today and then take the rest of the week off. Since it’s the last week of the cycle, I’m technically going on an early washout, so there’s that.
This is the end of the 5th cycle.
Washout
I’m getting a free pay day on Thurs due to my job’s site closure for reconstruction. I took advantage and schedule a neurofeedback session for that afternoon.
