I just had such a big healing cry session for 12 minutes while listening to Invincible by Tool. It sounded different. It felt different.
So many things came flooding in. Realizing how strong I really am, but how strong do I really need to be. I’m over being so strong or needing to be so strong, in the sense of feeling like I’m in survival mode & have been for so long.
Yeah I mediate, yeah I do yoga, yeah I do all these proactive and healthy things… but,
That’s not a fun way to be living. It’s gotta end.
I got to thinking how there are people hoping I fail because then it proves they are right about me. All my crazy ideas and big dreams, leaving my secure career, changing so many things dramatically in a short period of time. I look nuts to them and they are hoping that stays.
My ex’s family are rooting on me failing. They want to erase me from my 3 year olds life. They are asking for me to only see her every other weekend.
They refer to her as Jordy when her name is Jordan. They use their last name instead of what we decided on~ hyphenating both of our last names because we weren’t married. It sickens me…
I’ve always been a good mother. I left her dad when she was 10 months old. I really had no other choice. It felt like life or death. I experienced being a victim of covert narcissism & reactionary abuse. I fell for it over and over. My ex didn’t see any of it. His mom was really good at what she was doing. She planned it all out. Used her power to corrupt me.
She took my daughter from me and wouldn’t return her. My ex went along with it the day she tried to put me in the psych ward. I fell into a big trap.
I have relived all of it today.
It breaks my heart wide open.
The thought of losing in court terrifies me.
I feel it in my bones that she would benefit best from being with me primarily. I fought for 2 years just to get 3 nights a week.
I spent every single day of her life with her up until I left my ex.
Canadian laws suck for separations with kids involved. No court order means the other parent can keep the children from you.
That was what happened to me.
Edit: I realize I was being a victim & that pisses me off even more
No one to change but self
No one to blame but self
I allowed it all…
) And the woman being the traditional obedient housewife who is just or most of the time in the house looking after children, making meals(cooking IS creativity) and other feminine stuff. I’ve seen very much masculine men crumble to feminine enough women. AND NO ONE CAN DO NOTHING ABOUT IT SINCE IT’S A UNIVERSAL LAW.
where I wanna be, but I’ll keep going!
