- Ok, that was weird. I’d heard about getting odd effects when running a ZP sub, but I hadn’t really experienced it on the other two. With Emperor, I felt like I was out of reality for a while. It messed with my sense of time, and I don’t know what else. It just seemed like everything was different for a while.
I also noticed that when I stood up my back went ramrod straight automatically.
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**1/9/22 CYCLE 1 WEEK 4 STACK A**
**WASHOUT WEEK #1**
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My sex life with the wife has really taken off recently. She wants it all the time like she used to when we were dating.
I think two things have changed here. One, her attraction for me has really skyrocketed recently. Second, we make time for it now. She comes back upstairs after she gets the kid to school and I stay awake for it. -
Actually there’s a lot more going on with me than just that.
I’ve been off porn for at least three months. I mean completely off of it. Not once, and I don’t even think of it anymore. Thank you Dragon Emperor.
That’s important because a number of years ago, I had a couple of bouts of what I now realize was porn induced ED. I was not admitting to myself that I was having some real depression issues and PMO became a serious compulsive behavior. Read that addiction.
Those incidents had a serious impact on my confidence as far as performance went that even made it through a year on DE to some extent. Don’t get me wrong, things have been working just fine for a few years. The thing is that I haven’t been doing anything unless I’m absolutely sure that it’s going to work.
That meant no two days in a row, not if I felt tired, ect. That seems to have gone away in the last couple of weeks. Or gone away enough that im not letting it get in the way. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still feel a little niggeling doubt.
DE, at least the last couple of stages also seemed to shut down my sex drive. Well, it’s back. -
Now, what am I going to do about that last residue of confidence issues? Well, I’m going to run Diamond as soon as I switch stacks, or sooner if the wife gets her disability quickly and I don’t have the urgent need for RICH. But I’m not just going to wait around for that. I’ve heard a number of people here say they’ve used one of those Bathmate things with good results. I ordered one because I read good things about how it enhances performance. Any size increase is just gravy, but what the hell. I’ll run Diamond with ME too. Why not? I’m not lacking in that regard, but the goal of this year is to become above average in as many ways as possible.
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Since I said that last line I was thinking. The goal of last year was to get me to stop thinking of myself, and therefore being below average. Already this year, I’m seeing the potential to be well above average.
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- After two weeks off, my first workout felt great. I’m getting into the grind for this year.
- I’ve been thinking about how my relationship with my wife has changed over the past, say, two years. That’s about how long I’ve been using alpha subs, so I’m going to assume that the change was mostly to me, and can mostly be attributed to that. I am aware though that there were a number of other factors involved as well.
When I started, she was treating me like crap, taking her frustrations and the anger caused by her MS depression out on me. She thought of herself as above me, and nothing could shake that impression in her mind.
For my part, I got angry and fought back, but it really felt like I was fighting an uphill battle. Kind of like a kid arguing with a parent. You can get pissed off as they want, but they automatically lose because of the power relationship involved and that the parent genuinely does know best, and is always assumed to be right.
We had rules we had agreed upon, and unspoken ones.
I was very careful not to criticize her because it would set her off, but if I messed up the alphabetic order of the spice cabinet, you’d have thought that I’d spent the kid’s college fund on hookers and blow.
It was the stereotypical henpecked husband, mean wife dynamic. And also mirrored my relationship with both of my parents in a lot of ways.
Her treating me as incompetent and beneath her confirmed my lifetime deep impression that I was incompetent and naturally deserving of such treatment.
Of course, I knew intellectually that I was at least as competent as her, but on a visceral level, it didn’t translate.
In terms that I somehow hear here, she had complete control of the frame of our relationship and it was tainted with her emotional, psychological, and brain problems.
I’ll call that Phase One.
Then I decided to give Subclub a try, and started with a pre Q version of Emperor and some other stuff. I was on subs before, had been using them since 2008, but they didn’t directly deal with status, self value, and “alphaness”.
It didn’t take too long before I started to notice some changes. In some ways things got worse. I no longer felt that this was the natural way for me to be treated. I didn’t have the deep down feeling that she was right when we argued, and the fact that she was treating me like that pissed me off a whole lot more.
The arguments increased in frequency and intensity, but I began to feel that sometimes I was holding my own.
She had a reaction to this. A big one. I figured out that she sensed that I was feeling better about myself and and was afraid that I would rise “above” her. She sensed that she was losing control of the frame. And DAYHAM did she fight to regain it. She did everything she could to cut me down and put things back to where they were.
I seriously considered leaving in that period because I realized that I really didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I think that the only reasons that I didn’t was that there was a kid involved and I knew that at least part of her behavior was the result of a brain disease.
There was a weird effect that started showing up. She would sometimes act like I was above her. Like in an almost exaggerated way. Like she was a very low level employee desperately trying to please the CEO. Then she’d go right back to hypercritical superiority. It was weird.
My reactions changed throughout this period. I got calmer, less angry and reactive. Sometimes I’d ignore it, sometimes I’d be snarky, and sometimes I just out and out laughed at her. She was less than amused by that, but I didn’t care. What exactly could she do to me? I was losing my fear of her, and starting to live in my own frame no matter what she was doing.
That was Phase Two.
That leads us to Phase Three. That’s when I started a year of DE. I got very focused on my internal world, and her behavior didn’t have much of an effect on me at all. Oddly, things got more and more peaceful. She still got mad now and then, but I only paid as much attention as I needed to in order to get through my day.
For her part, she finally went to see someone and get her MS depression properly managed. She calmed way the hell down. Her resistance to my changes and rise in status died out throughout the year.
I’d describe things as peacefully neutral when the Year of the Dragon Emperor ended.
Shortly after I started my new stack, it was like a switch flipped. She became actively respectful, the control behavior was completely gone, she is actively accepting of my need for an open relationship, she is profusely thankful for all I’m doing to keep the family afloat. Our sex life rekindled in a big way. She wasn’t denying me sex before, more like the other way around. Seriously, what man wants to sleep with a woman who harps at him all day.
In short she started treating me like a man, and one who she really wants to keep in her life.
I’m liking Phase Four so far.
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This talk of “Phases” got me thinking of this like the Marvel Cinematic Universe and (im)patiently awaiting the next blockbuster movie and spinoff TV shows. Love the changes you’ve experienced.
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So do I. I think the sudden flip from neutral to very positive is the result of DR having cleared so much out and ZP being so damn powerful.
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- We have gotten a catalog from a company called Great Courses which sells kind of college level courses as a series of lectures. It’s not for any credit or anything, but both the wife and I like to learn about various things just out of interest.
They had a pretty extreme sale, and we finally bought some courses. We got one on cooking basics since we both love to cook.
I got one on writing a best selling novel. Full course. No testing or anything, but the presenter does suggest certain exercises to work through. It’s supposed to get you to where you can actually produce publishable novels.
Somewhere in the back of my head I’m actually seeing that happening, or at least as a possibility. For the first time in probably twenty years.
You see, being a novelist was a dream of that nineteen year old me that I keep talking about, and I made a few false starts at it, but could never seem to actually get serious about it.
This is another thing that goes back to the theme of getting back on track to be the guy who I wanted to become when I was eighteen or nineteen.
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- All of my life I’ve been kind of plagued with negative visualizations. They come in several forms and are very immersive. They pretty much went away on DE. They’d occasionally crop up, but I could dismiss them and they didn’t have much of an impact.
They made a bit of a re appearance last night and this afternoon after I got up.
It started as the type where I absolutely dominate and destroy someone who wronged me in the past. That brings up a part of me that I really don’t want to see.
Hell, now that I’ve done DR I REALLY don’t like that cruel domineering side of myself.
I was stuck in them for a while, but they had a lower emotional volume.
I was a little worried that the things that I thought DR had gotten rid of were coming back, but then I figured that people have been experiencing recon during their ZP washouts and that’s probably what that was.
It eased off as soon as I had that thought and I started feeling a lot more positive.
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- I don’t know yet if I’m going to need this this year yet, but I’m starting to consider a stack to help me excel in a basic law enforcement academy.
At the moment I’m thinking Stark, Spartan, and Godlike Masculinity, but I’m wanting suggestions.
I was twenty years younger the last time I did this.
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I’ve been working the last twenty something (I don’t even remember) days straight.
While I’m thankful for the opportunity to make the money that we need, I’m really feeling it today.
I stayed up this morning so I could have some fun with the wife after she got the kiddo to school, and that’s really messed with me. -
I can do this as long as I need to though.
I really have it in my mind that her disability hearing is the finish line and that she’s going to get it, get it soon, and enough that I can work something approaching a normal schedule and have time to focus on other things and move things forward.
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- I started nofap sometime last year while I was on DE. Thing is, I don’t know how long it’s been because I never had any intention of doing nofap so I didn’t keep track of it.
PMO had at one point in my life been a problem, but the frequency with which I did it had kind of started to Peter out already.
That might have been the result of the subs I was using before Subclub and the earlier Subclub titles I used. The timing is about right.
I was still doing it though. And it was still a compulsive behavior. In other words, if I pulled porn up on my phone, the entire cycle of behavior WAS going to happen.
If I started, I was going to finish no two ways about it, and I was going to waste at least an hour of time that would be better spent sleeping or doing something else while I’m at it. Not to mention feeling low energy and all the usual stuff. I never felt the shame that some people talk about, but I’m still aware that it was a counterproductive behavior.
I also wasn’t having much sex with the wife of doing much about finding other partners. I now know that that’s because I had trained my brain to seek arousal from a screen rather than a live human female. The vast majority of my errrr…. arousal and release sessions came from that, so it’s no wonder.
Then, after I stopped, it was really weird. I kind of lost interest in sex for a while. Sort of. It was weird, I felt physically horny and I thought of sex, but I really had no urge to do anything about it.
I think that the wife (who keeps track of these things) said that we’d had sex once in five months. Damn, that means that it’s been at least five months since I’ve looked at any porn.
What I think was happening during that time was that I was re training my brain to look for arousal from live women.
The process seems to be done because the wife and I have had a lot more sex in the past three weeks than we had in probably the last two years, and it’s been way better for both of us than I remember it being in a very long time.
I also have absolutely zero urge to look for porn. It is of course right there at my fingertips, but it’s not taking the slightest willpower not to.
I am getting healthier in a lot of ways with these subs.
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you know what? I know why I stopped PMO. Or more to the point, why I no longer felt the need to.
There was a VERY long gap between the time my hormones woke up and told me that I wanted to have sex, and the first time I saw the slightest flicker of sexual interest directed my way (at least that I picked up on) by an actual living breathing girl.
I went to a very small school in the rural sticks. The problem with that is that everyone knows everyone. Not only that, but they know everything that happened to everyone from day one. You can’t get away from it, you can’t switch social groups, you can’t hide, and you can’t reinvent yourself. The place you have in the social order by the end of kindergarten is the one you will graduate with. There is NO upward mobility. And you WILL internalize it to a greater or lesser extent.
I was weird for various reasons, so my place in the social order was outcast. The problem with being an outcast in school is that you’re all forced to be there, so they can’t really cast you out, and you can’t leave. It’s really the same problem you have in prison. If the person you’re instinctively trying to drive out of the group can’t go anywhere, you ramp up the behavior that’s designed to make them leave. Evolutionary psychology at work.
So by the time puberty came calling, no girl in my school would even talk to me. They acted disgusted if I tried to talk to them. I found out later that a few of them really weren’t.
What was really going on there? They had to act that way or they’d be outcast themselves.
That lead to the long period of time (much longer in perceptual time) when I was horny as hell, but saw absolutely no prospect of finding a sexual partner.
I really got it into my head that it was never going to happen, and I mean that from about age eleven or so to maybe fifteen or sixteen my mind had it as a cold hard fact that I stood a one hundred percent chance of dying as a virgin.
So, what is the only way a guy condemned to a full life of simmering in sexual frustration could see a naked woman?
Porn. Or what I could get at the time anyway. (You see kids, back in the eightieszoic era there was no Internet with endless erotica) Which meant whatever magazines I could steal.
I spent so long thinking that thats as close as I’d ever get that the idea persisted in my subconscious despite a lot of evidence to the contrary.
Holy Crap. That’s the root cause of my PMO addiction. And DR got rid of it last year. That’s why the shift. -
I am figuring out that a lot of this year’s journal is going to be finding things that DR did for me last year but are only now coming to fruition. Also that I’m extremely wordy.
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Very insightful. Thank you for sharing.
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It really feels weird to be doing a washout this early into a program. It feels like I’ve barely started.
I’m almost craving subliminal input at the moment. -
I am going to be replacing DM with Emperor ZP for this cycle if for no other reason than to see how they compare.
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I had a talk with the wife about subliminals. We agreed that after she gets her disability, I’m going to upgrade her Paragon to ZP and she’s going to start on Ascension for women as well.
We’ll do at least six months on that stack, then swap AFW out for Seductress. That should make both of us happy.
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If Seductress and AFW are ZPd by then, would you have her stack both? Or just one at a time?
I I can’t think of a reason not to do both. I think she’ll be on that stack for a long time so she should get a lot of benefit out of it.
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I just wasn’t sure how her MS might get in the way of that. I remember you said sometimes she’s way more tired than others from it. Unless I’m remembering that wrong.
I’ve been toying with the idea of getting Seductress for my lady. She runs Paragon ZP sometimes. When I had her running Paragon Ultima before, she commented once how she tried reading the very first time running it, “But I got WAY too tired.”
If she runs Paragon now, even ZP, she just sits there in case it makes her “tired” haha
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Besides, she is probably going to have to be on Paragon or something else that helps with her MS for the rest of her life.
I don’t know. The first version, which she is still running made her very tired in the beginning, but she’s gotten used to it.
I don’t know how ZP will hit her. We’ll have to experiment.
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Oh, I misunderstood this question last night.
I’m going to have her start with AFW stacked with Paragon for six months or so.
She’s got plenty of self esteem/self confidence issues. I think that the best plan for taking care of that is start with a focused approach and raise those traits on their own before she switches to Seductress which does a lot of other stuff. It’ll probably make that a lot easier on her and give her better results.
I didn’t really start seeing deep lasting changes until I spent six months on the original Dominus to just raise my internal sense of value and estimation of myself. Only then was I ready for something like Dragon Emperor.
Since she wants me to guide her sub use, I’ll take the same approach with her.
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