- My wife is having problems. Put better, she is freaking the hell out. She is having trouble dealing with an energetic child with her MS exhaustion, trouble with our roommate, and generally feeling overwhelmed.
Yesterday that took the form of attacking me. That just pisses me off.
Today, it was a meltdown. She was talking about leaving. I don’t mean leaving me and taking the kid, I mean leaving all of us. There was some other stuff.
What that did was bring back some old crap, and made me think about one of the roles I’ve cast myself in.
After my mother discarded my father, and he lost his corporate job in the same month, he broke. He became unable to handle stress or regulate his emotions. Like at all. If the slightest thing went wrong it was like dealing with an adult sized toddler. Mind you, I was six (my son’s age) wjen this started.
He lashed out at me (not physically), even more at himself (both verbally and physically), and smashed half of the walls in the house.
He also became the most negative person I’ve ever met.
I wasn’t scared for myself, I was scared for him. Hell, I spent many years both when I was around him, and when I wasn’t terrified that he was going to kill himself because he talked about it constantly. That is a LOT of stress on a young kid.
I somehow got the idea that I was responsible for making sure that everything turned out ok for him. He wasn’t going to do it himself, and I couldn’t accept anything bad happening to him. So when he crumbled I HAD TO rise to the occasion and make everything turn out OK.
This meant that when he panicked, I couldn’t panic.
Mind you, I felt extremely panicky inside, but I had toy hold together at all costs.
It was the worst feeling ever. That I HAVE TO help, but I can’t help. At the same time crushing responsibility and complete helplessness.
I felt that way again tonight while my wife freaked out.
It made me realize (again) that I have manifested a situation that mirrors how I grew up. Where all of the burden and responsibility is on my shoulders, and only I can make it turn out well. If I don’t, it’ll be a disaster.
I say manifested because I couldn’t have just guided myself into it subconsciously. I had no way of knowing that my now wife had MS.
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- That wave of depression that usually hits in the middle of the night on my non run nights was noticeable but once again had much less force than it did even two nights ago.
That’s despite having some major stress going on in my life right now. We’re getting somewhere with this.
I think I’m on the right track with running full loops for a long period of time. It probably is causing me more recon and perhaps fewer immediate results than shorter loops would, but I think that I’ll get much better results in the end if I push through that and get to the other side. That way lies full integration.
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How are you, man?
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I’m ok. Just life stuff.
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Things were a bit better today. The wife was back to normal. She said that she had just been overwhelmed and lashed out.
I’m still a bit concerned about her. -
I’m feeling a bit of head pressure as well as a tiny bit of a head buzz after my loops tonight.
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- A big part of what I’ve been thinking since starting my Khan journey is that in order to get the life I want, I’ve got to get back to being “myself”. The me that got all the girls. (Mind you, this isn’t the same guy who can get all the success)
I’ve been thinking about those times in my life, and what was going on with me then.
I don’t entirely like what I see.
The one thing I figured out (at least partly) was at least one of the things I had then that I don’t have now. That is energy to fuel the aura or whatever.
In that case, it was pretty negative energy from a couple different sources.
The first came from my obsessively wanting the last ex back. After running DR I know where this actually came from, but I definitely didn’t at the time. I repeated the cycle with three different girls too.
It was a feeling of constant desperation. I felt that I NEEDED whichever one I was on at the time, and knew I could never have her again. It sounds like depression, and in a way it was, but it was a very high energy depression. Angst, pain, despair, whatever you want to call it. It sucked, but it was a very potent energy source.
Add to that anger and more pain from my fucked up abusive parents and being a social outcast all of my life, and I was radiating energy all over the place.
I honestly don’t know how this did anything other than repel people, and it certainly did repulse some of them, but it did work. Well, I’ll say sometimes it did and sometimes it didn’t.
I shouldn’t be so surprised, fiction of all kinds is full of the tortured soul male archetype and it makes girls soak their jeans all over the place.
It gave my persona an edge. An intensity that I have been lacking since then. A self destructive, dark passion might be a better way of putting it.
Now, was this getting me healthy relationships with wonderful, well adjusted girls who I’d want to bring home to my family?
No.
Was it getting me the highest quality of women?
No.
Well, I didn’t think so, but I’m retrospect I was getting interest from them too, I just was low enough in confidence that I talked myself out of noticing.
What it did get me was a lot of interest from and exciting hookups with girls who were as much of a mess as I was.
It even got me a number of girls who had major things for me. One of them even became a pretty disturbing stalker type. And then she became girlfriend #4. (Not my healthiest decision right there)
That may not sound good, but I thought it was awesome and I actually miss it more than any aspect of my life before I kind of changed.
I’m in a much brighter place now thanks to time, effort, and in no small part to DR.
But I’ve lost that edge that made me, well, exciting enough to presue.
I need to get that edge back. I’d prefer to do so without actually opening myself to that kind of mental damage again. Not sure how to do that, but I’m digging at it.
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**9/18/23 CYCLE 2 WEEK 3**
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I’m still feeling very introspective. Still thinking about the persona I’ve always at least tried to project to the world, and even to some extent to myself.
My pre sub persona, more to the point, my pre DR persona.
The tragic hero. That’s it, that’s how I saw myself, or at least how I painted myself in the story I told myself in my head. I saw myself as denied happiness, doomed to be alone, ect.
It worked for me in some ways. I got laid a lot in my younger days anyway.
I’m no longer that. I’m actually super positive now. It’s a testament to the effectiveness of these subs, and my own willpower once I decided to come out of the darkness.
Problem is, I need to access some of what I had back then in order to get WB to work. Right now I’m really more like a Chosen type person. That’s great, especially for being a father, but it’s not going to get me the type of, call it adventures that I want.
It’s a part of who I want to be, but not all of it. That darker, wilder side is still there, and I haven’t been giving it any attention or any of what it needs. That silent intensity is what I need to get that mysterious aura going.
Come to think of it, A lot of the girls who went for me said they wanted to “figure me out”.
Quiet intensity. That’s what I’ve lost. I said I was a brooding bad boy and it worked well. I came off that way, but what it actually was was covering for severe social anxiety. It worked on some.
What I need to do is get that quiet intense presence back without going back to the dark place. The bad news is that’s hard to get to without the pain to make me actually, well, brood. The good news is that it’s actually backed up with real confidence now.
It’s just being able to touch that energy again. -
I have noticed lately that my voice sounds a lot different. Deeper and has a lot more power behind it.
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- I noticed that this morning that my arms are showing more definition. That’s really interesting since I haven’t started working out again yet.
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- I think that I know what at least part of the problem I’m having with projecting the aura comes from.
Since I don’t remember when, I have had a problem generating any kind of strong emotion. Especially at will. Most of the time I really don’t feel much.
An aura, at least the type we are talking about here is your emotional state projecting out into the world. If you’re not feeling anything strongly, it doesn’t matter how squared away your subconscious thoughts and whatnot are, there’s nothing to project.
Don’t get me wrong, I have emotions of all kinds. I just don’t feel them viscerally. You know, there usually isn’t a physical sensation that goes with them.
Occasionally I get one from anger or emotional pain, so at least I know what’s supposed to be there. But in general, it’s like the volume is turned way the hell down on everything else.
At this point I don’t know what to do about this, but I’m at least aware of it now.
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I had an easier time projecting an aura with major titles especially with wanted/libertine and genesis.
Genesis was by far the strongest for me.
Through customs it took a bit more time.
It worked best when i ate many fruits favored blue berrys and protein, avocados are nice too
Sometimes i take a pill of ‘bion3 energy’
Helps in refilling energy and regulating the energy center
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I think one is projecting their aura at all times. Strong here, weak there, but it’s always going, as long as your heart is beating. You are still transmitting if you aren’t feeling emotional, just not radiating emotion.
I’d like to help, if I can. You want to boost up your aura for the purposes of meeting women for sex, if I’ve been reading your journal correctly.
So, the boosting part. I would encourage the practice of semen retention, if you don’t do so already. You’ve stated you are in your mid 40’s, so in my experience it takes longer for released energy to be regenerated. Allowing that energy to accumulate will give you the ‘energy bank account’ for the ladies to respond to. Going longer between release times will increase your average energy level over time, and it will garner responses. 
When I’m able to go near a week without release, I have all sorts of young ladies talking to me, vastly different from the day back after a weekend of wild relations with my wife. When that energy builds, they want to get at it, per my experiences.
I’d also encourage some supplements. Honduran Sea Moss is great, love that stuff. Agobe T boost offa Amazon is something I take 5 days a week. Fadogia Agrestis, Shilajit. MMmm good.
I hope it was some help! Good luck! I appreciate your QTKS journal.
You are right. You’re always projecting AN aura. What I think is happening here is that I’m not projecting the correctly charged aura for these purposes. At least not yet.
Or maybe I’ve just not spent enough time anywhere I would notice it working.
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I’ve gone several months (not while on this program) and not noticed that effect. More than a week is a fairly common occurrence for me.
It’s something else.
Hopefully it’s working better than I think it is, and also working through whatever was blocking execution.
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Come to that I have a thought on what might be at least part of the problem.
I get in my head too much. Instead of just being in the moment wherever I am and letting execution happen naturally, I’m often thinking about it. Correcting how I stand, wondering if I’m getting results at the time, ect.
That’s something I have had a problem with for most of my life.
I think I need to just focus on not focusing for a while. Just go places and not worry about it. Try to enjoy being in the moment and let what happens happen.
Easier said than done for me, but it’s something I’ve had to work on for a while. I suppose that would count as taking action. -
I ordered a couple of things. A greens drink for one. My diet isn’t the greatest, and to be Frank, that’s not really likely to get much better. So I figured I should make sure that I was getting all of the nutrients and crap that I should be. I’ve tried a greens drink before, but it tasted like aardvark ass, and I couldn’t choke it down. Hopefully this one is better.
A pheromone product that I haven’t tried before. It got excellent reviews for being something that works naturally without having to be “driven”. I’ll try it out next time I get the chance.
A neurotransmitter supplement. From the description, it seems that it might help with processing subs. -
The lady who comes in in the morning is definitely a conundrum. She always lingers as long as she can talking to me. She’s always pleasant and bubbly, and she’s brushed on sexual subjects.
This morning she spent a long time glowingly thanking me for keeping her safe. It was over the top, but in a good way.
These are all green lights, though I don’t know how she acts with anyone else.
Here’s the problem though. I don’t know how to try to push anything forward subtly enough that I’m not risking my job.
Probably best not to, but damn she’s cute.
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I would say let her make the first move, but she might be one of those who won’t.
Sounds like she’s having fun at least.
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That’s about what I’m thinking.
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- OK, my wife is losing it. She is “overwhelmed” by parenting a very energetic child while she is constantly exhausted from MS. The room mate, and a number of other things. She was talking about leaving to, be “separate for a while” (she means from everyone, not just me)
She’s had bad episodes before, but this one is especially bad.
She will probably get over it, but it really has me in emergency planning mode just in case.
I will be OK, because I have to be, but if that happens I will obviously have other things to focus on and will have to abandon this run.
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Just a thought but why not let her try this sub then. 
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Give me some tips if you find the right answer, have a cute girl at work too but the direct way didnt work for me so far and made some problems for me.
Now i dont know how to push things forward
She is still into me but its not easy to talk with her because of circumstances 
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There is an old male wisdom saying. “Don’t get your (slang for cat) where you get your paycheck.”.
It’s generally a good idea to live by that unless you can live without a job.
If you do choose to do anything, just kind of let it happen if it does. Especially if you’ve tried the direct approach and it didn’t work.
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