Year of the Quiet Conqueror (QTKS Khan, WB, RICH)

[COWolfe]

• I just shot a couple shots on some of the social media groups I’m on, and on the ENM personals site we’re on as a couple.
  Odds of success may be low, but what the hell, nothing bad can happen to me, And nothing good will unless I start opening all of the doors to it that I can. I may have been making it difficult for the manifestation components of these things to work by not putting myself into situations where what I’m looking for can find me.
  The one I have the most hope for is a lady whose picture I really didn’t find that attractive. I’m thinking that I kinda need to get the pump primed though, so I’ll give it a shot. I’ve had some very good times with girls who weren’t that conventionally hot, and I’m thinking that with this, success will build on success, so I need to get the pump primed so to speak.

[COWolfe]

• I’ve had some stray thoughts that are worth noting. One was that this is moving slower because I’ve chosen the harder path. The path of deep and permanent change.
  I’m want to embody the archetypes in my sub for the rest of my life, not just for a little while and on the surface. That’s harder.
  I’m thinking that that means more exposure and pushing myself into a bit of recon. The recon is necessary for the sub to penetrate deeper and make the changes on the level I want it to be.
  I’m definitely going with mine minutes tomorrow night.

[COWolfe]

• I didn’t go with nine minutes tonight. I ran a full loop. Unless I seriously regret it for some reason, that’s what I’m going to be doing from here on in.

• I went to a back to school thing at my kid’s school. I noticed that I’m moving differently, and it feels different. Slower and more relaxed. Languid without actually seeming slow or lazy. Less jerky I guess you could say.

• I got right up this morning and did something I need to do to start to get something taken care of. Felt a bit more energy than I have recent mornings. I think that the dopamine supplement is helping me to process the sub more easily.

[COWolfe]

• I’ve mentioned the very pretty lady who comes past my post most mornings. She always spends an inordinate amount of time chatting with me, and I’ve caught hints of flirtatiousness in it.
  It was more than a hint this morning. I don’t remember exactly how the conversation got where it got, but she turned it blatantly sexual. And damn did she have some attraction body language when it did. She was licking her lips, real strong eye contact.
  I don’t recall specifics, but she said something about how it would be fun to be groped during security check in. And I’m the guy doing that.
  I’d call that a good sign.
  I’m going to have to be really careful if I try to make that go anywhere. Missteps could be costly.

[COWolfe]

• Second last loop before washout week. Not much happening at the moment.
  I’m having a little trouble making myself fully grasp the concept that the right way to use this thing is to more or less relax and let the results manifest into my life.
  I’m still having some paranoia about it working, and strong urges to try to “push the river”.
  I think I’m doing better at managing it though.

[COWolfe]

       **8/28/23 CYCLE 1 WEEK 4**
       **WASHOUT WEEK #1**

• We had kind of a rough weekend. Saturday was OK, I went to my kid’s best friend’s birthday party. I interacted with some people, they were maybe a little more friendly than I’m used to, or maybe it’s just them.
  Sunday sucked. The wife had her third bout of pneumonia in the last couple of months. I had to do all of the things that I didn’t get done Saturday too.

[COWolfe]

• I’m really not sure what to say about this one so far. Recon is light, especially considering I’ve got two monster cores in there along with a third lighter one.
  My thought patterns are starting to change, but it’s hard to put my finger on how. It’s positive. I suppose that I have a sense that things are working themselves into the shape I want them even if I can’t see it at the moment, and I should just relax and wait. The external stuff will start to happen when it can. In other words, arrangements are being made as we speak.
  That goes with a sense that I don’t need to (and shouldn’t) be obsessively looking for results. Just open the doors and live my life. They’ll find me.
  There is a sense of argument between the @old me” and the new me in my head, but it’s much calmer on this. On previous subs, it was sometimes like a shouting match. This is more like two academics debating over coffee.

[COWolfe]

• On previous programs I’ve usually experienced a bit of an emotional roller coaster during my washout weeks. At least the first few.
  This one is different. No up and down, no stress followed by resolution. I’m feeling solid.
  The only thing I noticed was a bit of a craving to keep running it during the first couple days. Now that’s gone, and everything feels normal.
  Maybe it assimilates faster because it’s even less distinguishable from my own thoughts, maybe it’s so dense that no one part made that much of an impression in two thirds of a cycle. I don’t know.

• I ran an errand at the grocery store this afternoon, and did notice that more people initiated conversation with me. One guy complimented the shirt I was wearing, and one older gentleman stopped me before I rode off to tell me a story. I found the latter a bit weird and maybe a little annoying, but neither of these things have been normal for me. I usually get through errands without talking to anyone and without being noticed as far as I can tell.
  I also got decent eye contact and smiles from a few women. Noticeable improvement.
  I’m sure it’s from the sub, but also, I didn’t wear the leather vest or anything today because it was obscenely hot today. Might be that I look a bit intimidating to the suburban soccer mom types who frequent most of the places where I run errands when I’m wearing the biker gear.
  I know that CAN be a good thing, but I may need some work on how to play it.

[COWolfe]

      **9/4/23 CYCLE 2 WEEK 1**

• Washout week was pretty smooth all told. Had a pretty good week. No sign of recon whatsoever.
  RICH seems to be kicking in in the same way it usually does. More overtime. I have to say something about that though. I’m getting some of it because one of my older co workers got hurt. I certainly hope I didn’t manifest that though I’m sure that the manifestation scripting has safeguards against harming others. I don’t really know how that works.

• I ran a full loop last night, and man this thing is smooth, especially for how dense it’s gotta be. It kind of doesn’t feel like I’m running anything. Shifts in thinking are there, and they’re profound, but they’re a lot harder to spot. Feels a lot more natural, like I’ve thought that way all along.

• I once again noticed that I have a sure sense that I’m going to come into a significant amount of money in the near future. Enough that I’m not going to have to worry so much for a while. I have no idea where it is coming from, but I know it’s on the way. Kinda weird.

[COWolfe]

• I had been running one loop a week of Ascension Chamber before switching to QTKS. I did a minute of it tonight. We’ll see if this makes a difference. After my loops, I’m getting a kind of full head feeling. It’s not unpleasant, and it definitely shows that I’m receiving information with this thing.
  I think that other than that, I’m going to keep running QC solo at least until the end of the year.

• I’m feeling a lot more patient as far as results go on this one. I think that’s because I have more faith that they WILL happen. I’ve mentioned that I have a sense that the money manifestation is in progress, and as soon as I get around more women, the right kind of women, that part is going to take off like gang busters.
  Matter of fact, as I mentioned, the money manifestation has already started hitting in the form of lots of OT. I have a strong sense that there’s going to be something more though. Something unexpected and a lot more substantial.

• I’m thinking about where I can go with my very limited free time where I can find the right type of women. At the moment, not to put too fine a point on it, I’m just looking to get sex quickly and I’m not too sure what type of women are likely to be open to that with me, or where they’d hang out.
  By that I mean me specifically with my particular set of traits.
  I’m not I’m my twenties anymore, so finding a hookup is not going to work the same way as it did when I was.

[COWolfe]

• Some recon today. It’s hard to describe on this. Just I don’t want to call it hopelessness, but a sense of futility. The impression that there’s nothing to look forward to, no point, amd no right direction to go. Emptiness. That’s it.
  This isn’t as distressing as I’m making it sound here. And fortunately I know what it is and I can get through it. This too shall pass.
  It’s similar to what I sometimes felt on DR, but on this it’s at the same time deeper and easier to manage.

[COWolfe]

• The recon from the first loop of this cycle started to alleviate after last night’s loop, and I feel a lot lighter and clearer today.
  There really isn’t much going on externally right now. I’m working all the time. Matter of fact, I’ve got tomorrow off and I’m going to an event with the family, but I’m working the next thirteen days straight after that. Great for the wallet, not great for social opportunities.
  Not a problem, the opportunities will come.

[COWolfe]

         **9/11/23 CYCLE 2 WEEK 2**

• Had a pretty good weekend. I went to a yearly festival with the family. We had a great time. I noticed that the crowd didn’t bug me as much as it usually does. I just felt more confident moving around in it.
  Crowds freak me out a bit and make me paranoid since I worked in corrections. No real problems this time.
  I didn’t notice any signs of attraction from all the random women walking around. Maybe I’m missing it, maybe I’m just of an age where I can’t expect that in the general public sphere as much as I was thinking. Don’t know.

• There was an interesting incident there. The army recruiters had a booth set up with a trap bar deadlift. There was a younger guy struggling with it.
  Even though I’m way too old to recruit, I gave it a try. I wound up doing twice the reps with twice the weight that they were looking for.
  A fairly attractive woman who was watching said “dang, that guy makes it look easy”.

• I glanced in the mirror when I first got up. I noticed that I’m showing more definition in my upper body. Interesting since I haven’t been working out.

[COWolfe]

• I was watching a show tonight, and one of the characters said something that really hit home with me.
  He said that he always felt detached. Like he could see the world but couldn’t touch it.
  I’ve felt just like that for as long as I can remember. Like I’m separate from the world. Watching, but not really able to participate.
  That may be a part of why I’m not currently seeing the results I want. Not sure why, but it’s part of why I’m not living the life I want to be.

[COWolfe]

• I can definitely feel something happening in my head after my loops with this one. Processing I suppose. It doesn’t FEEL like overload. At least not like I’ve experienced before. I might be kind of going right up to the line of overloading myself though. That is probably a good thing for long term change.

[COWolfe]

• Had something kind of interesting happen today.
  Lately I’ve been kind of gradually changing my style. You’d think it would be toward a more mature, conventional look as I get older. It isn’t though. I’m going more towards the edgy badass bad boy look I was going for in my younger days.
  I think I know why. It was the way I looked before I decided to get into LE.
  I gave up a lot for that. I cut my hair, gave up my look, and went “respectable”. I also focused all of my attention on getting into that job, to the exclusion of much enjoyment of life, or really being the me that I was before.
  I never got there. I spent too many years struggling to get that job, and wasted an incredible amount of time and energy. I also lost sight of “me”.
  Now that I’ve abandoned that quest, I’m getting back to “me”.
  The me before I started getting into that field was the one who got girls left and right. Well, I had confidence problems, so while I did very well, I missed a lot of opportunities and could have done epically better.
  I figured out how the persona worked for me though. I came off as the kind of dark, quietly angsty, troubled badass. The troubled part was, at least on the surface because I was always pining for the last girl, but it did give me that mysterious edge.
  It worked.
  It was also, now that I think about it, a Wanted Black persona to a T.
  I’m re learning to be that guy. It’s going to have to be a bit different this time. I’m not in my teens and twenties anymore, and to be Frank, I’m definitely not very angsty anymore (thank the gawds)
  But I am a whole lot more genuinely confident. I have subs now, and I can be that guy all grown up. What an awesome realization.

• Ok, since I got completely off track, back to what happened today.
  I had the urge to go back to wearing a more classic “biker” style jacket rather than the more refined looking one I had been wearing. It’s a more badass, raw type of look.
  I got the one I used to wear in my early twenties out of the closet and tried it on.
  Let’s just say that it became clear that I had expanded beyond it. You know, with all of the personal development I’ve been doing and all.
  I found another one in the closet though. Am even better one. Not only does this one have the basic style I want, but the buttons amd zippers are blacked out in a way I like, and it’s a very expensive, real riding jacket. Hundreds of dollars.
  Apparently, I’d bought it years ago, never worn it and forgot about it. Strange.
  I’m definitely counting this as a manifestation even though it had been hanging in the closet for years. Exactly what I wanted, perfect style for me, great for riding, and it just kind of appeared right when I wanted it. Awesome.

[COWolfe]

• Thats interesting. I see in retrospect that shortly after every time I ran a loop of QC, at least a full loop, a wave of recon pushed into my mind. It felt like depression, and it was really subtle. I mean that it felt more like my own feelings than on previous types of sub, so I didn’t recognize it as recon.
  The reason I did after this loop is that when it started to happen, another subtle and gentle, but very powerful eh, call it, force in my mind pushed it out.
  I actually feel pretty good right now.

[COWolfe]

• The malaise I had been feeling on my between loop days is hitting again tonight. That kind of feeling of pointlessness and hopelessness.
  The good news is that it’s much milder than it has been.
  I think that means that I’m getting through the recon phase with this thing, and onto the results.
  It’s notable that the recon just kind of slides into your kind on QTKS, much like the results are supposed to. It’s not subtle, but it’s really hard to realize that it’s recon coming from the sub. It just feels so natural and normal.

[COWolfe]

• Well damn. I just saw HERO origins. Yet another thing that I wish to the gods existed twenty years ago.
  I am convinced that if I had access to these subs when I started my attempt to get into that career field, things would have gone differently. It’s too late for that now though. I’m not going to go back into that cycle of getting my hopes up and putting in the effort only to have them crushed over and over again. That has cost me too much life.
  I would be tempted to use it now, but I’m committed to a full year of QC. At this point I’m not stacking either. Not until I start to see some undeniable results anyway.
  Perhaps next year will be HO and WB ( there’s an off color joke in there somewhere). That could be an interesting combination.
  Maybe a much better fit for my natural personality than Khan.
  I actually chose Khan because it doesn’t fit me that well. I’ve always been quieter and not that outwardly dominant. I feel that I need to be more so, or at least have the ability to be so when I need or want to. But I think that in my ideal form I’ll still be more of a quiet badass than a loud and gregarious alpha.
  Don’t get me wrong, Khan is a good choice still. I was a little too quiet. It often came off as meek and I don’t want that.

• I’ve been thinking more about the times in my life that I’ve been a major girl magnet.
  I can think of two stretches where they were all over me (even though I didn’t have the confidence to acknowledge a lot of them)
  The truth is, these were times that I felt like shit.
  Matter of fact it was the times when I was obsessing on the last one to dump me (this was a pattern for me. I cover it extensively in my DR journal) and causing myself a lot of mental pain.
  Why this made me particularly attractive is a mystery to me. I was probably attracting girls who had an issue or two themselves too, but that’s beside the point.
  Maybe the kind of dark and brooding aura gave me that air of mystery that WB talks about.
  So what I need to do is to figure out how to project whatever I was projecting back then. But this time I’d prefer to do it without feeling like shit, thank you.

[COWolfe]

• My loops felt like nothing tonight. Like I was just listening to water noise. That’s actually good. That is one of the signs, at least for me that the major recon phase is over and a sub is really starting to sink in and begin the process of becoming my reality.

• More thoughts on how I was those times when I was attracting girls left and right.
  This was definitely the pre sub, old me. Hell, it was for the most part over twenty years ago. Yes, I’ve had what seemed to me to be sporadic success since then. But it was actually pretty steady considering the lack of effort and the lack of confidence.
  But when they were all over me, I had a few factors going on. Namely, I was obsessed with a girl who had left me (girlfriends #1,2,and 3). I was bitter about women, life in general, and the whole damn world. And frankly I was just plain pissed off at the universe. Not just because of girl problems.
  I didn’t act out very much. No drugs (other than occasionally weed), minimal drinking for a young guy, no REAL fighting, and I was quiet and kind of a loaner.
  The truth was that while I had all that going on, and dressed and spoke like a “bad boy”, I had some really strong inhibitions, serious social and general anxiety, and virtually zero self confidence.
  The inhibitions were probably a very good thing
  The whole quiet and brooding thing, which I think was part of what worked for me was actually how I avoided my biggest fear. Humiliation. If I didn’t talk much I couldn’t embarrass myself. I just kind of put on a front of being the quiet tough guy so I didn’t look like the meek little nerd that I felt like.
  How in the actual FUCK did this make the girls flock around me???
  Matter of fact, the more painful the period in my young life, the more girls I got with. I don’t get it.
  Or maybe I do a little.
  This is kind of hard to describe, but it might have something to do with it. During those times, as melodramatic as this sounds, I kind of cast myself as the tragic hero in the story I told myself in my head. You know, the guy the universe beats the crap out of, but he can’t be kept down. Tortured by lost love and all that crap. (I’m laughing at myself while I write this) There was kind of a glory in that, and I suppose it lead to a sort of messed up self esteem.
  I’ve loved a lot of books, movies, and shows with that kind of male protagonist. I really modeled my image and the way I at least tried to carry myself after some of them.
  Thing is, those characters get laid left and right. Also women respond to this kind of character. I mean real life girls who read and watch this stuff. Sometimes obsessively.
  The question the sub seems to be guiding me to is how do I tap into that energy again at this place in my life? And how do I do it without actually going back to that dark place. I really have no desire to feel like that again. Plus I might have a hard time connecting to it since DR helped me to finally finish DISconnecting from that pain.
  Maybe I can kind of update the story. You know, play the dark hero who has found a better, more peaceful life and thought all of that was behind him, but has to bring it back out at some point.
  The key is going to be figuring out how to touch on that energy without actually feeling like shit. It’ll work better now if I can do it because I have actual confidence now, and the anxiety is gone.
  Implementing this could be really interesting.

• Come to think of it, a good part of why this worked for me is that I spent a lot of time in groups that were full of the types of girls who were really susceptible to that kind of fantasy persona.
  Ok, so I’ve got to find that kind of thing that’ll work for a man my age.
  Lots of useful thoughts tonight.