-
I’ve identified the recon from stage four. Possible the same as from stage three. I am questioning everything about my life to date. Career choices, spirituality, everything.
I feel that I’ve wasted a lot of time and could be in a much better place in life if I had taken a more active role. If I had put in the consistent work to improve myself to become someone who would get the things I wanted in life instead of just trying the same thing over and over again.
A significant portion of my life has been lost to long term depression.
I may be being too hard on myself. I was raised by depressed people. I was conditioned to negativity from birth. I wasn’t able to even start to change that until I found subliminals and it didn’t really accelerate until a producer I was using really stepped up the game.
It is still frustrating that I haven’t really begun to make the needed changes until fairly late in my life. -
This all isn’t as emotionally distressing as it sounds. It’s been bothering me through most of stage three and four. Now I can put my finger on it, which means that I am beginning to work through it.
- I forgot to mention that some time while I was off sick, I remember a small snippet of a dream I had. I’m recording this simply because I so rarely remember dreaming at all.
I was training in grappling an opponent with a knife. I was on top of my opponent and went to get full control over their knife arm. I realized that he didn’t have the knife in that hand and he had switched to the other while I had been overly focused on it. As I realized that, I felt him draw the blade across my inner thigh about where the femoral artery begins. It was a cold feeling in that I knew that if this had been a real situation, I would be dead.
-
My thoughts have drifted to my resentments today. That means that DR has been digging into them. I didn’t really realize it, but I spend a whole lot of mental energy wishing ill on people I think did me wrong.
It started with me thinking about how I think and feel about Ex #4, the last one before I got with my wife. She was not fun to be around, treated me very badly, was dishonest to say the least, refused to make the slightest contribution to our living partnership, and was generally not a good person. At least during the time we were together.
Thats all true, but when I thought of her, I’d fantasize about her life going to complete shit in ways I’m not going to describe here. Lets just say that homelessness is only the beginning of the life I imagined her having. Now, with the way she acted and lived, that was a likely outcome for her. However, getting pleasure out of imagining someone, anyone, descending into that kind of hell is flat out evil. Especially if you consider things like manifestation a reality.
I didn’t really think of this as wishing this on her, but I was amused by the thought, and thats had enough.
I also felt a very smug satisfaction when I heard about various bad things she’d done, how she’d alienated just about everyone, and ways she’d managed to screwed up her life in the real world. That was just about everything I heard about her. I now realize that I was taking pleasure in her misery. And it was because I allowed her to draw me into a bad relationship, and allowed myself to be used for a time. I could have prevented any of the emotional, financial, and whatever other harm by following my instincts (which said not to touch her with a ten foot pole) and standing up for myself. I suppose I’m covering resentment of myself for not doing that.
A very wise friend of mine who I had a lot of contact with during and after that relationship had a saying. Whenever I would talk about what I hoped would happen to #4 she’d say “you hope for her to live and be happy, far away from you.”
At the time, I didn’t see how profound a statement that was. DR has really helped me to gain perspective on it though. It’s simply saying that I want her to be somewhere she can do me no more harm, but I’m not going to clog up my heart and mind with more negative shit. That’s harmful to me if not to her.
I don’t think that my imagining Ill on her actually caused her to have any bad outcomes that she wouldn’t otherwise have had. She really didn’t need my help with that. I actually hope shes doing better now.
The reason that I don’t think I actually harmed her is that I’m convinced that normal, healthy people have kind of an emergency braking system on our manifestation ability. Lets face it, we have all thought vindictive things at others. However, it seems to me that when it’s something that your conscience would have a problem with, it prevents it from releasing. That keeps you from doing harm, but it holds the energy inside. Now that I think about it, I know this because I can actually feel it as a very uncomfortable pressure.
It may be why I’ve had trouble deliberately manifesting the things I want to into my life. If the brakes are on for one thing, they’re probably on for everything. I think that one of the keys to getting the life I want is going to be letting things go so that the brakes can release. -
Interestingly, as unflattering as that realization was, I don’t feel any guilt about it. I was mentally acting out my traumas and bad programming and hadn’t yet attained enough self awareness to realize what was really going on.
I’m getting the feeling that this finishing stage of DR is going to focus on making me a better person. One I can really respect.
I’ve sometimes wondered if angry, vengeful, or other such fantasies coming up when on DR might be because they have been lurking in the background and now they are conscious they might better be discarded or outgrown.
I can’t prove it, but I’ve wondered.
It didn’t just come up. This is something that happened for most of my life. I think it’s been happening much less since I’ve been on DR. Whats new is that I recognize what it was and how incongruous it was with who I want to be.
- I’ve been pretty introspective the last couple of days. I’ve really been thinking about a couple of things that I want to change about how I mentally deal with the world.
The first is the mental reaction that I have to annoyance. I’m showing progress on that in that I’ve gained the ability to disrupt the the thought process that I don’t like when it and the detachment to realize that I need to. That’s major progress, but I’ve got a lot more work to do if it’s going to change to any major extent.
**Stage 4 Cycle 1 Week 5**
- Introspection continues. This morning I was thinking about a tendency I had to self sabotage socially.
When I become involved with a new social group I would often say something that would make whatever group it was not like me and or look down on me. It could be anything, but it generally was something that I could be pretty sure that that group specifically not only would disagree with, but that a lot of people in the room would have enough of a problem with that they’d dislike anyone who said it. Do that a few times and you predictably will become a barely tolerated pariah.
The weird thing about this pattern is that I knew that I was doing it. I mean that I knew that that would be the result of what I was saying before it left my mouth, but it seemed not that I couldn’t help it, but that I always chose to say it anyway.
There was kind of a mental pressure to say something that was purposely designed to make the group either think I’m an asshole (due to disagreement with some prevailing opinion in that crowd) or stupid, or weird, or any combination thereof.
Now, the question is, why did I do that? It was clearly a form of self sabotage, and one that I consciously knew I was engaging in, but seemed weirdly powerless to stop.
The reason is simple. That course of action made what I expected to have happen happen.
Not what I wanted to have happen, but what I expected.
It’s easy to see the roots of this one with the great power of hindsight.
When I first went to school I was “weird” because I guess my parents were a bit more intellectual than most peoples’, or at least they had dealt with me in a more intellectual way than most and I hadn’t had much contact with other kids before that. So, I didn’t know how to deal with people my own age and came off “weird”.
Kids reject and mistreat others who don’t fit a mold, so naturally by the time I was into kindergarten, I was the weird kid who no one liked.
That was a formative experience and taught me what I should expect when I dealt with any group. It played out that way every time I went somewhere new. That solidified the expectation even more every time it happened.
I really started noticing that I had the tendency to socially self sabotage and an inability to stop it when I got to college, but I didn’t seem to be able to stop.
Some people might be saying “duh” right now, but for me this is a huge insight into how success, manifestation, and all forms of life improvement work.
My subconscious has been tailoring my actions to make what I expected to have happen happen all my life and I didn’t even know it. Because of certain factors in my childhood, my expectations were negative when it came to a lot of things, so I’ve had some pretty negative results in those categories.
Once those expectations are really ingrained, it’s even worse (or better in the case of positive expectations) in that I’ve brushed off and ignored a lot of evidence that my expectations and self image were not based in current reality because they were so deeply ingrained. For instance, I continued to be afraid of interacting with girls because I had a very deep impression that they found me disgusting despite having a dozen or so throw themselves at me in a year or so period.
I haven’t said anything new here. What changed this morning when I was thinking about it is that I suddenly just GOT the concept in a way that really applies to my life.
How has empor challenge manifestation affected you, where there any you couldn’t handle?
I’ve been in a very challenging situation for the last three years or so, so I don’t think that Emperor dumped anything extra on me. I could be wrong about that, but I can’t point to anything.
If anything, it made me a lot better able to handle what life was throwing my way anyway.
- I had some anger coming through between waking up and leaving for work this morning. I found some of the wife’s way of dealing with me to be kind of superioristic. I mentally reacted with anger. I was able to interrupt it after a bit, so we still have progress here.
I think I was having a touch of recon. That’s OK, I’m finding that with QV2 at least if Im not getting any recon I don’t see any results either.
I suspect that with DR if it can’t push me into a state where I’m questioning myself and taking notice of internal things I’m not satisfied with then it can’t do what it was designed to do.
- I had a slightly crazy idea when it comes to rebuilding URE. I was debating wether to add a core, and if so which one. It was between Minds Eye and Limit Destroyer as either of those would support any and all goals that I’d be running subs for.
Then I thought I should do both. I’m a bit concerned that that might make it a bit heavy for a sub just meant to support others. What do y’all think?
As long as it’s in support of the rest of your stack, I think it’d be fine. Worst case, drop the number of loops if it causes issues. Assuming lower number of loops would still give you what you’re looking for
- Ok, here’s the new design. I’m going to sleep on it before ordering.
- Minds Eye Core
- Limit Destroyer Core
For strategic thinking and finding a way
- Wayfinder
- Mastermind
- The Lines
For general positive attitude
- Inner Voice
- Courage reclaimed
- Furious Ascent
For Energy
- Fusion Optimized
For manifestation improvement
- Jupiter
- Yggdrasil
General make subs work better
- Deus
- Omnidimensional
Other, but always useful
- The Wonder
- Mystery
- Fortune’s Favorite
- Organization Perfected
- Eye of the Storm
- Immortals Blade
- Mosaic
That should be a great support program. It’s got help with manifestation, removing any mental limitations that survive a year of DR and a bunch of stuff that will help no matter what I’m doing. Anything else I need can be put into the task specific subs when I get there.
I’ve done this. I didn’t, however, know the above information when I ordered it. It makes sense that it’s like a hard-hitting Q custom. It took some time before I really felt it kick in.
It’s the following:
Jet Stream B
Ascended Mogul Core
R.I.C.H. Ultima
Financial Success Reality Shifter
Sultan
Secret Source
Unrelenting Wealth Motivation and Energy
Current Invoker
Yggdrasil
Right now it’s on a temporary hiatus. I’m going to be working with Dragon Reborn alone for a while, and then I’ll gradually reintroduce my beloved, familiar programs.
In my case, I find that this kind of doubt/questioning cycle sometimes goes along with playing the program more frequently or with a more intense schedule. You feel the ‘energy’ of the program more obviously, and the dips and valleys in the process are part of that. The inevitable catharses and resolutions are very welcome when they (finally) come.
(as you can see, I’ve been catching up on your journal. Maybe if I have further comments, I’ll just hit the ‘re-edit’ button and add them to this same entry.).
This quote from you reminded me of a funny prayer I sometimes repeated for certain persons: God Bless You and Keep You (far the hell away from me). 
One of my current fantasies is of having the confidence as a child to stand up more in the face of dislike or unpopularity. To be more okay with myself. I stood up a few times, but I found it pretty emotionally difficult and gradually I clammed up. It’s a kind of superhero fantasy to imagine as a child being okay with myself in the face of those social reactions.
Both of these are considered somewhat lighter cores. So, that adds points to the ‘pro’ column.
When’s the last time that you ran Universal Results Enhancement? Is it in your stack now?
I haven’t run it since I switched from my ascension custom last December. I figured that cramming DR into a custom with Emperor and switching stages every twelve weeks would put enough of a strain on my brain.
Now that I’m almost done, I’m considering adding the new version in for the last eight to ten weeks and continuing to use it with what I’m going to be running all of next year.
That’s awesome.
For me it was physically difficult what with the getting beat up and all. I learned a hard sociology lesson when I learned to fight too. The in crowd feels no obligation to keep it to a one on one fight when they’re keeping the social outcasts in their place.
(long slow whistle) Damn. I hear you, man.
wise.
Got it. Makes sense.
- Ok, here’s the latest version of one of the customs I’m designing for next year (The year of the sexcessful Emperor). This one is the success focus, or week A. I plan to switch off which one I’m running each week for the entire year. This version is very focused on getting a career track job.
- Emperor Core
- Limitless Executive Core
- Way of ROI
- Natural Winner
- Iron Frame
- Machine Action
- Machine Rest
- Ultimate Writer
- Sacred Words
- Infomaticon
- Information Releaser
- Alpha Body Language
- Dragon Tongue
- Voice Master
- Debt Annihilator
- Financial Success Reality Shifter
- Journeys Guide
- The Boundary
- True Sell
- Mosiac
- And here is the Week B sex focused one designed to help me take advantage of my open relationship status.
- Wanted Core
- Primal Seduction Core
- Diamond Core
- Alexander’s Play
- Inner Gasoline
- Instant Spark
- Seducer’s Gaze
- All Seeing
- Prevent PE
- Transcendental Connection
- Ultimate Writer
- Sacred Words
- Long Range Seduction
- Iron Frame
- The Boundary
- Eagle Eye
- Dragon Tongue
- Voice Master
- True Sell
- Mosaic
-
I had an interesting thing happen as I woke up this afternoon. It happens occasionally when I’m running subs and if nothing else it lets me know that they’re doing something.
I woke up kind of slowly just before my alarm would go off. As I was coming out of it, I “heard” all sorts of head voices and while I don’t remember exactly what they were talking about, I got the distinct feeling that they were related to the subs and that it was my mind trying to process the new data and reorganize itself accordingly. It’s a very quick view into what processing looks like. -
After I got up, my thoughts turned to how things really are starting to look up for us.
The roommate got her disability and has started to contribute to the household. The wife’s disability case is showing some signs that it’s likely to resolve in her favor soon. And while it’s brutal to work this much overtime, things have happened at work that made it available to me as long as I’m going to need it.
It looks like I’m going to finish the year of the Dragon Emperor strong.