Year of the Dragon Emperor

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#703 
              **Stage 3 Cycle 1 Week 5**

  • I felt really good this afternoon when I woke up. I took my first doses of pine pollen and stinging nettle root. I definitely felt the increase in testosterone upon waking. I’ll leave it to that.

  • I continue thinking more about how to solve the problems that I’m having, and how to make the improvements that I want to in my life. I realized that I have been kind of waiting for solutions to come to me or happen to me rather than putting in a lot of effort to find or create them, let alone implement them. With powerful subs, that’s worked a lot better for me than I had any right to expect, but it hasn’t gotten me where I want to be.

  • The weekend was chaotic and annoying, not to mention a day shorter than usual, but we actually got a pretty amazing amount accomplished.

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#704
  • I’m glad that I took this year to run DR. Even though DE has Emperor and some modules focused on external results, I see that in the years before I did that, I was going about improving my life the wrong way. I was focused on making some external results happen and counting on that to fix how I thought, felt, and acted. Thats backwards, and that’s why I only saw occasional and suboptimal results. They weren’t enough to change my life to the extent that I want to.
    I expect that when I do start focusing on external results almost exclusively after my DE year is over, I’m going to get a lot more of them than I was before.
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#705
  • DAMN!!! I just did my first workout after being on Pine pollen and nettle root. I was able to push a lot harder, way past the point where my body (more like mind) would involuntarily quit before. It’s like my will was stronger and I was able to get into a zone that I couldn’t get into before.
    It confirms my theory that a lot of my problems with physical things has been a low level of androgenic hormones, probably caused by a high level of cortisol throughout my childhood. Weird that all it takes to improve that is some extra androgens from a fricking tree. It’s really weird that they work on me, I’m a human, not a damn pine tree.
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#706

Do they inhibit or block cortisol in any way?

What species of pine?

#707

I don’t know, but I’m not pumping out the cortisol like I used to. I might look for a cortisol blocker, but it’s not the problem for me that it was. I think my issue at this point is that the constant stress damaged my endocrine system growing up, and now I have to add the beneficial hormones or kick it back into gear.

Pinus massoniana

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#708

I did read your entire post.

I would encourage you to take a look at KSM-66 at Brain Forza (no magnesium sterate or steric acid), and LJ 100 Tongkat Ali at Protein Factory (no magnesium sterate or steric acid)

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#709

I didn’t know Tonkat Ali did that. Cool, I was already considering adding it. Depends how expensive it is.

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#710

  • I’m beginning to think outside of survival mode as far as our financial situation goes. I’ve been treading water on this for four years. I’ve done an impressive job of it too. However, this is not acceptable in the long term. I’m seeing past fear of the next looming disaster. Matter of fact, the next possible problems I can see aren’t causing me any major fear at all.
    I’m also seeing that I can’t just keep sitting here waiting for something to happen either. I’ve been doing that for most of the time, and things have happened, they’ve been amazing in some cases. But, they’ve just allowed us to stay just ahead of the disaster.
    What I need to do is find a permanent long term solution. At this point, I don’t know what that will be, but there has to be a way to permanently raise the amount of money we have coming in without working myself to death and without the risk of it disappearing at any moment.
    I have to think outside the box, the actions that I’ve tried to take haven’t worked. It’s out there, I’ve just got to lock my mind onto it.

  • I read something on the forum this morning about not chasing results. It served as a reminder, and it must have sunk in because as far as FP goes, I got the distinct impression while I was showering (I get a good gauge of what’s going on in my mind while showering) that my subconscious was telling me “stop worrying, I’ve got this.”.

  • I’m already seeing some results from the supplements I’m taking. I felt more muscle mass on my arms when I woke up this morning. The mirror did not disagree.

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#711

I think Tonkat Ali is supposed to reduce cortisol and increase the free testosterone.

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#712

That’s what I’ve been reading. It’s also supposed to do something with dopamine. I could probably use that. While I’m not feeling so much stress anymore, I’m also not feeling a whole lot of drive.

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#713
  • As mentioned above, I currently don’t feel a whole lot of drive or desire, at least not consciously.
    I think it’s because almost all of my motivation used to be based on fear. Even when I had a goal, it was really designed to get me away from something or prevent something that I was afraid of. That did motivate me enough that I’ve got a normal life, and let me avoid any preventable major disasters, but it’s also not caused me to achieve any kind of greatness in life or to be really happy for any length of time. You have to actually be working toward things for that.
    Come to think of it, a part of my success ceiling may have been avoiding achieving anything, acquiring anything, or moving to a higher level in any way. I may have been doing that because it’s harder to maintain a higher level, and getting there would trigger fear of losing what I’d gained.
    That’s an interesting insight. Rings true too.
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#714

Thanks for sharing that insight @COWolfe. I can relate to the fear-based motivation and avoidance of doing “too well”.

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#715

  • Ok, I can see how the fear of success works and has worked on my life.
    I haven’t gotten into the career field I want to because I didn’t want to achieve what I’ve striven for only to find out that I’m not capable of doing the job well enough and lose it. So, my subconscious found some really clever ways of making sure that I never had it to lose. Usually it made me nervous enough to screw up the interview, but if I got through that, any number of uncanny things have happened after later in the process. I think that I was protecting myself from the pain of losing what I gained because I wasn’t fully confident in my ability to keep it if I got it.
    Because of that, I kind of kept myself, or more accurately the topmost layer of my conscious mind in a constant state of thinking that I was on the verge of getting it, but never actually getting there. That gave me the ability to vividly fantasize about it, and I suppose some of the feelings of actually getting there, but protected me from the possibility of losing it.
    Meanwhile, my subconscious kept the actual circumstances of my life to something that it was absolutely sure I would be able to maintain.

  • A big part of the problem was that the negative voice in my head was louder than the positive one. In other words, if I couldn’t be very assured of a positive outcome, I would consider a negative result to be much more likely when I was considering wether or not to do something. I often wasn’t very realistic about those negative consequences I visualized either. The reason I have never deliberately hit on girls is that when I considered it, I didn’t imagine the real most likely negative outcome which is that she politely turns me down and we both go about our lives. Oh no, my mind comes up with scenarios where she turns me down in a very imaginative, degrading, and publicly humiliating way, everyone I know finds out about it, and I get mocked about it for years to come.
    The odds of that actually happening, at least after middle school were minuscule, but that’s the result I saw most powerfully when I considered doing it, so it seemed to me that it was very likely.
    Needless to say, I didn’t hit on girls who didn’t hit on me first. Once I knew for sure that she was interested, I was fine, but most girls would have to practically strip naked for me before I’d be sure enough to put myself out there.
    This same thing played out in many aspects of my life.

  • This is stage three though, I need to be figuring out how to be aiming toward good things rather than running from bad ones. I’m not sure what I can do to help that process at this point.

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#716

I think it’s admirable how you consistently are able to be so introspective.

Regarding that pesky negative voice, I’ve found with DR the negative voice starts to weaken and lose in intensity, frequency, and duration. It’s just gone more often.

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#717

It’s pretty much gone at this point. The problem I’m having now is that I’m not used to thinking about what I DO want.
Everything has been about escape and prevention from here. Its funny, I’ve been striving to reach a kind of neutral place where I didn’t feel a whole lot of negative stuff constantly my whole life. Thanks to DR I’ve made it there. Now I need to figure out how to really light the fire in myself, and find my direction.

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#718
  • I’ve been feeling very dissatisfied with the current shape of my life this weekend. I recognize that I have changed, and the negative thinking and emotional patterns that got me here are gone. What I think I’m starting to do is think about what I want my life to be like, but I’m still having a bit of difficulty reconciling that with where I am now.
    I think The big problem in the back of my head is that part of me is trying to be “realistic” about what changes can be achieved at this point in my life. Thats limiting me to something that is probably well below what I could achieve if I got all the stops pulled out and my mind was all aiming in one direction.
    The fact that im thinking about it usually means it’s resolving, so im looking forward to seeing what this washout week does.
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#719 
            **Stage 3 Cycle 1 Week 6**
            **Washout Week #5**
  • Ok, I’ve got seven sub free days coming up. We’ll see what that does to me.
    The stuck feeling I’ve been getting, the feeling that I need to do something to break out of all of my ruts, but have no idea what to do may be recon.
    When I look at my situation from a wider view, it looks to me like a huge tangled knot of problems that all work together to keep any of them from getting solved. Some time today, I started thinking that that impression was an illusion. There is a solution to every single one of the interlocking issues, but my mind is still trying to see the problems as insoluble because there is still some fear of moving on to the next level. I might not be able to handle whats expected of me on the next level, so it wants to stay in that anticipating getting there phase.
    Hell, in this case, I (a part of my subconscious) may just be afraid that it won’t be able to function without major stress and pressure.
    Come to think of it, during the times in my life when I didn’t have much real stuff to worry about I really haven’t done well.
    I did two things in each case. First, I stopped working toward any kind of goal or improvement in my life. I mean I let everything go and just sat there watching TV, entertainment reading, and doing whatever the fuck it took to waste ALL of the time. In the absence of stress and pressure I had zero ambition or drive. I’d just kind of coast along and exist. Not in a nice way though, it just didn’t feel right.
    Thats a bit odd because when my back is against the wall I’m extremely clever, determined, and industrious.
    The other thing I did was I found something to be stressed out about. My mind made some aspect of my life into the worst thing in the world. It was often some extremely stupid stuff too, but it did generate that stress feeling.
    I am feeling better on DR, but some part of me may still be resisting stepping into a place where everything is OK.
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#720
  • This washout is interesting, and so we’re the last few weeks I’ve been listening. Since I’ve been using advanced subs, I’ve always been thinking about them. What the sub was doing, or at least what it was supposed to be was always there in the back of my mind. This wasn’t a good or bad thing, it was just always there.
    That’s disappeared lately. Most of the time I’m just not thinking about it. I’m not sure what that means, but it is a change.
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#721

  • I’m also not having the urge to try out other subs like I have during previous washout weeks.
    It’s hard to put my finger on. I don’t know if I was extremely burned out, or if I’m just content with how things are going at this point, or what.
    I do have a feeling that something major is shifting below the surface, but I couldn’t tell you what that is.

  • I think that one thing I really need to do is to start thinking about what I really DO want in life. I need to be more organized about it, and then I can start finding paths to those things.

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#722

  • I might have known. Every time I say I need to start thinking about something in my journal, my subconscious vomits a stream of info on the subject directly into my conscious.
    It came in a very interesting form too. In the form of the things I want to feel on a regular basis rather than the things that I want to have in my life. It seems to have Yes, I see having sex with new women or having time to ride my motorcycle as desirable things, but they are ways of reaching the emotional states that I want, and they may not be the only ways.
    In a way, stage three seems to be working from the inside out. Starting with the base feelings that I want, and then figuring out how to make them my normal. It’s somewhat opposite of how one and two seemed to work. That makes some amount of sense because they were about destroying undesirable things, while this is about creating desirable ones.
    So in no particular order, here is what I became conscious of wanting. There may be more, but this is what I have now. Remember, what I really want is the feelings associated with these things in case that doesn’t always translate well.

  • Excitement/Enthusiasm. That there’s always something to keep driving for, something I WANT to get out of bed for, and always something to look forward to.

  • Adventure. Get to do nonstandard exciting, and unpredictable things.

  • Newness/Wonder. Always look forward to what’s around the corner. Always something to discover.

  • Accomplishment. Meet my goals and feel good about it.

  • Interest/Fascination. New things to learn, figure out and master.

  • Extreme Attraction/Connection. Mostly sexual. I want to regularly experience that “new relationship energy” which will require both new and regular partners. Plus deepen and improve my main relationship.
    I want to feel attractive and attracted.

  • Respect. From others, and most importantly from myself.

  • Admiration. Once again, most importantly from and for myself.

  • Power. Feeling like I have the ability to control my environment.

  • Badassness. Is that even a word? It is now.

  • Purpose. That I’m doing something that matters.

  • Mastry. That I am VERY good at some things, and enjoy getting better.

  • Mystery. That there are things just beyond my knowing and a possibility of finding them out.

  • Freedom. To do what I want when I want to some extent.

  • Stability in the important things. Know that I can always keep the bills paid and the important stuff taken care of while I’m having excitement and adventure.

That’s a good start from my subconscious there. Stage three is finally starting to do what I thought it would.

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