- Well, we got an answer on my wife’s disability appeal. It was a no. Now we have to schedule a hearing. The news upset me, but not for nearly as long as it would have this time last year, or as badly. I may have spent a few minutes in “we’re screwed” mode and then I calmed down.
Now we have to schedule a hearing. That can happen relatively quickly, so this might not be as bad as we thought.
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OK, now that I’ve had some time to think about it, I noticed something. I had the negative spontaneous visualizations of the wife being rejected for her disability creep in for the last few days. I suspect that they really started when it actually happened. The timing is about right. I had been kind of fending them off because I thought that they were likely to cause a negative manifestation. However, now I think that I was just picking up on something that had already happened. They had kind of a different feel to them. That could be useful.
At this point, I’m less rattled by this, and I realized that I was never as rattled about it as I would have been a while ago.
I don’t know how things are going to turn out ok, but I don’t have to. I was counting on getting the money we need to make it through this way, but there are any number of other ways that could happen. -
I got a call back on a job I applied for a long time ago. It’s a place that I’d really like to work and have applied for a number of times, but have never had a callback for.
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I had a decent day today. It’s like the bad news from yesterday never happened. I take it for granted that I’m going to get us through this. I’m a bit frustrated that it’s taking so long, and that the finish line keeps moving, but I’m generally feeling good.
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**Halfway Point**
**Stage 3 Cycle 1 Week 3**
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It was an interesting weekend in that it felt very normal. As I mentioned, I got some bad news and after a couple of hours of feeling frustration, anxiety, and a bit of despair, I bounced right back to calm assurance that everything is going to come out well, and determination to make it happen.
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The wife and I got along really well all weekend until last night. We got into a minor argument that turned major. It really ticks me off to be doing all of the money making work, almost all of the housework, all of the yard work, and making all of the major decisions to get us through this, and then to have her get angry and degrading over little things. She was acting like putting clothes on a chair was akin to spending the kid’s college fund on hookers and coke.
It ended quickly and everything was ok this morning. -
I’m actually amazed at how positive I feel. The wife’s rejection for disability puts us back to at least the end of the year unless we get extremely lucky.
I just don’t feel the dread and anxiety I have in the past when I’m similar situations. I have somehow gained the ability to anticipate there being a way through without knowing what it is. I guess that it’s similar to how I used to anticipate something going horribly wrong even when I had no hint that it was going to. Funny, when I got that feeling I was usually right.
This is one of the shifts I’ve been waiting for.
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This is excellent 
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- There is a strong possibility that I’m going to be working in the Corrections/Detentions field again in the near future. This would be for a much better agency than I was with before and for a lot more money. While that job is never easy, it’s likely to be a cakewalk compared to what I’ve done before.
I came up with an Ultimate CO custom (fun fact, that’s actually not what the CO in my name stands for) to run if I wind up going that direction.
- Emperor Core
- Spartan Core
- PCC core (I’d actually put that in before Spartan)
- Alpha Body Language
- Dominion
- Godlike Masculinity
- All Seeing
- Eagle Eye
- Manipulus
- Emperor’s Voice
- Fenrir
- Fearsome
- Furious Ascent
- Sanguine (important)
- Dragon Tongue
- Ultimate Writer (reports, they matter)
- Iron Frame
- Call of Honor
- Journeys Guide
- Mosaic
That should help anyone get a good start in the field and help me get back into fighting trim.
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- I got a bit more clarity on the overtime I’ve manifested. A lot. It looks like I’m going to be working 72 hour weeks for quite a while. Probably a long while. This will get us through. It doubles my income and makes up for what the wife isn’t bringing in.
Sometimes it’s hard to see it from inside the story, but these manifestation subs really work.
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I had some, I guess it was recon about the time I left work. It took the form of that sword of Damocles feeling that something horrible was about to happen. I kind of focused on a little thing that happened as I was leaving. It was nothing.
The feeling was different this time. Usually when I get this, it’s a gut level visceral feeling of dread. This time it kind of stayed in my head and didn’t really cause me much discomfort at all. A lot of old negative thinking patterns tried to resurface as well, but they didn’t last long, and once again stayed in my head and didn’t cause much feeling. -
I had a phone screening for that job. I think it went great and I’m expecting an interview presently. This may or may not happen, but my mind has been telling me that it will. I’m getting daydream type visualizations spontaneously and I’m not detecting the undercurrent of fear or the “this is just fantasy it won’t happen in real life” thoughts that mark The Negator.
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The one thing I really noticed today was how much better I’ve been feeling physically since I started working out regularly. I don’t wake up sore and aching anymore. Shoulder pain that I’ve had since at least 2007 is gone, and the persistent clicking and popping that I’ve had in my elbow joints rarely happens anymore. May not be the direct result of the subliminal, but the subs did make me feel more energy, and develop the discipline to follow a workout program like I never have before.
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I am once again having vivid daydreams about good things happening in the future. That ability seemed to shut down during phase one and two.
It’s different now though. The Negator isn’t telling me that these things are just fantasy, I actually see them as possible futures now. It’s kind of like my visualization/manifestation ability was down for repairs and now it’s coming back online.
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- Dang, I had a good daydream/visualization session right after I finished my loop of DE. It really seems that The Dragon has beaten The Negator. I am very sure that what I was thinking about is a Very possible future and likely will come to pass. I get no opposite visualization of it failing to happen and that causing me emotional pain like I used to.
I am starting to see a future again. Actually several possible ones and they all feel good.
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- Got some good news today. I have an interview on Monday for that job. I’ll have time to run a few loops of OBU. It’s a couple of hours after I get off work, so I’ll have the opportunity to do another an hour or so before I go in. Things are looking up.
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I ran a loop of Oral Board Ultima instead of FPU when I got up this morning. Apparently it has a good effect on my written communication ability as well as spoken. I had to turn in a kind of essay question before the interview. I had to write about how I embody one of the organization’s key values. I’ve had trouble with that kind of thing before. I’ve had some difficulties talking about myself too positively. I don’t know, it felt like I was sounding arrogant, or perhaps not being truthful. It was a self image problem. This time I wrote eloquently about how awesome I am in this regard and why and I even added a few more of their values in without going off topic.
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I’m having no doubts these last few days. It’s not that I’m absolutely sure that I’m going to get the job, but I can absolutely see it as a possibility. That’s a step up from how it used to be for sure.
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**Stage 3 Cycle 1 Week 4**
- Yesterday was …….interesting, actually, the last two days were. Ever have one of those days when it seems like the universe is fighting you every step of the way? That was my set of days off.
First off, my debit card got shut off. For no apparent reason. That prevented me from buying something I needed for my interview until I figured out what was going on and got cash from my bank.
Then, the dry cleaners I used had changed hours so I couldn’t get my suit until after I’d need to be at my interview. Some other stuff happened too.
It was one of those things where one problem cropped up and prevented me from solving the other problems.
I found a solution for them all in the end though.
I’ve had days like that before. This felt different. It felt more like I was being challenged to see what I can do than like the universe was trying to sabotage me and screw me up. These things have left me flustered and frantic before. I can’t say that I didn’t feel stress, but it was much less all consuming and debilitating than it would have been.
Now, I’m anticipating my interview and totally ready.
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I had my interview this morning. I had a message when I got up saying that I didn’t get the job. Again. Leading up to the interview I was quite convinced that I was going to get it, everything felt positive. This kind of dropped out of the blue and felt like a manifestation, but in the end, the brick wall between me and the real world results I’m after remains intact. Not moving on with my career, nor am I making desperately needed improvements to our financial condition.
The last couple of jobs I didn’t get didn’t hit me really hard. This one is for some reason. I am feeling a lot of the same things I used to when I was staking my full sense of self esteem on getting the job. Where I built myself up to a state of forced positivity only to have it destroyed time after time and have to rebuild myself on shaky foundations again. It was a miserable time and lasted an unbelievably long time. I am thinking of refraining from trying again at least until my DE year is complete. -
I think that part of my problem here is that while I express myself well in normal conversation, I have a problem organizing and expressing my thoughts when a longer speech style answer is required. I think I come off a bit disjointed when I do that.
Just running Dragon Tongue hasn’t helped with that, or not enough anyway. I think I’ll see when Toastmasters is going to start having in person meetings again.
I’ll also be thinking about what to put into my custom or customs for next year that would help me get hired. For normal jobs, one of the seduction titles might help, but I’m not so sure in my line of work. Storyteller might be of assistance I think.
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- I went back to FP this morning. I noticed something. It felt a lot smoother than OBU. I had a feeling of resistance while listening to OBU the two loops I got in between knowing I had an interview and going to it. It felt almost like a physical back pulling, hard to describe when it’s in my head, but it was kind of like trying to open a sliding door when it’s a little bit off of its track. It’s just harder to move than it should be. My subconscious definitely didn’t agree with something in there.
Thats a bit odd since I didn’t experience that the two times I’ve used it in the lead up to an interview before. I also didn’t feel emotional pain when I didn’t get the job either time before. There was something different about this one. Come to think of it, I felt perfectly positive about it until I ran OBU. Then I started to get a bit nervous.
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I almost forgot to run DE tonight. I’m at the point where it seems not to be doing anything. I know that often comes before a major breakthrough, and the forgetting seems to be a form of recon self sabotage at times. Something is going on in there anyway.
I think I might be having a little externally triggered recon, or maybe it would be better to call it self sabotage and self doubt.
Both of the things I expected to manifest to make our financial situation better failed to happen. The wife didn’t get her disability, and I didn’t get the new job. The wife is going to have to wait somewhere around ten months to get a hearing. The good news is that she is very likely to succeed at that point. And the job, that seemed like a manifestation dropping into my lap.
Matter of fact, it may have been a manifestation, or, let’s call it an attempted manifestation. It just kind of didn’t work out this time. I’ve seen that happen before.
The experience did get me thinking about what action I need to start taking to get where I want to be professionally. I came up with two things, and that I need to do. I am seeking out coaching services for the specific type of interview I have to deal with, and find a toastmasters group to help me generally organize and present my thoughts quickly. I’ve tried the last before, but I didn’t stick with it. I’ve gained some follow through from this program, so I am likely to now. -
I generally felt better today and yesterday. Getting rejected for the job hurt a bit, but it didn’t last long, and wasn’t really that bad. The only reason it hurt at all was that I was fully expecting it to go well. I wasn’t forcing myself to feel optimistic about it, I just did. The outcome may have been a challenge to my new worldview. Thats ok, internal progress will lead to external success.
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I ordered some herbal stuff to help me with losing fat and gaining muscle. I suspect that my testosterone may be a bit lower than I’d like it to be, so I got two forms of pine pollen and stinging nettle root from a really good place. That should help.
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Everything still feels normal. It FEELS like I’m not running subs at all. I don’t know why that is, but I’ve run into it before. Often just before I hit a scheduled washout.
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I also think that my confidence in the process got a bit rattled on a deep subconscious level. It’s not too bad I don’t think, but I am learning to expect success in a world where I’m not going to succeed every time I try to do something. The early stages of that can be difficult when the outside world seems to disagree with your internal view that you SHOULD succeed. It may take a few setbacks before I start seeing the reinforcement, but that’s why I’m running this sucker for a year.
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I was watching a YouTube video on the psychology and biology of fear, and the guy being interviewed who is a big name in the combatives/self defense world. He made an excellent point about the psychology of intimidation. That is if you are visualizing what the enemy might do to you instead of what you’ll do to him, you are intimidated. He also compared it to mountain biking. If you’re looking for the rocks you can crash on, you’re a lot more likely to crash because that’s what you’re paying attention to, but if you’re looking for the clear way through them instead, you will most likely make it through.
Neither of those things is really new to me, but a lightbulb went off this time anyway. I really GOT the concept and on a life in general scale. Most of my life I’ve been focusing on and fearing the rocks instead of looking for the clear way. DE is training me to look for the clear path.
Here’s the video. https://youtu.be/nSKfYqJUXvo
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- The main theme of Stage Three seems to be finding practical solutions to the problems that the thinking and emotional problems that stages one and two dealt with.
I seem to have the urge to research things that would help and take action right away, or if I can’t, save the information for when I can.
This week I’ve looked up a way to improve my testosterone to estrogen ratio, and I’m now studying ways to increase my base dopamine level. Both of those should help me take my fitness, drive, energy, and dominance to the next level.
I suspect that I have a deficiency in both from the massive and constant stress that I was under throughout my childhood, and kept myself under through my young adulthood by keeping the mental patterns that formed in childhood.
Then, after I didn’t get the job, instead of feeling dejected (for more than a day) I started really thinking about why I’m not scoring very well on these oral boards. I found a number of specific oral board coaches online, and I have a friend who has connections looking for some local options. I’ve also found a toastmasters group that works for my normal schedule. That should help me with the way I generally communicate and present myself. I can’t get there while I’m working all this overtime, but as soon as I’m not, it’s a go.
Part of my self sabotage on the employment front was that I spent a lot more time applying for the job than I have improving my ability to get past the board. Now I’m going to be doing that. If I don’t even try again until next year, that’s fine.
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What have you discovered?
Have you also looked at the relationship between cortisol and testosterone?
My stuff arrived yesterday. I’m taking raw pine pollen, stinging nettle root extract, and a tincture of both of them to isolate the androgens. So far, I’ve taken one dose of each. I woke up feeling different, that’s all I can say at this point.
Yes. They seem to be antagonistic. Actually I have a theory about what that’s done to me. Since I had a very high stress childhood, I suspect my free testosterone has always been relatively low. That would explain why I have always had a great deal of difficulty losing belly fat even when I had very little on the rest of my body, why I responded to strength training slower than others seem to, and many other signs.
Because the major stress started before puberty, I may have had some permanent damage as far as my ability to produce test goes. Now that I’m not pumping out cortisol like I used to, I have to look into repairing it, and will probably have to supplement somehow to get where I want to be. I’m trying the natural route with the pine pollen first.
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