- I went to a couple of stores today (I know, the height of excitement during the Covid era). I acted very differently from my normal. I was downright gregarious interacting with people, had a louder and deeper voice, somewhat clever things to say.
I had a great joking talk with the very good looking lady who helped me one place. She giggled at a couple of semi funny things I said, and just kept the eye contact locked the entire time. And, yeah, now that I think about it, there were a number of other body language tells as well.
Then at the grocery store, a number of female customers randomly said hi and asked how I was doing. Nothing more to it, but that’s highly abnormal.
I think that part of it is that I’ve started experimenting with pheromones, but that’s not done me a lot of good in the past, at least not out in the normal world. I realize now that that’s because a. I wasn’t acting the part, and b. I wasn’t noticing the hits I was getting.
I think that I could have taken the interaction with the shop lady further, and I felt no fear of trying. Unfortunately, I just plain didn’t know how.
That made me realize what one of my problems has been on the social front. I had severe social anxiety growing up and into my early adulthood. Especially where girls were concerned.
I have conquered it, and before Subclub even. The social anxiety is quite simply no longer there. The problem is that I grew up not interacting normally because of the fear, and I never developed the skills. I really have no clue how to guide that type of interaction where I want it to go. Oddly, I’ve had well over the average number of errrr… successes. When that happened, I really didn’t know it was happening until the girl made it BLATANTLY obvious. I think that I was mostly scoring on looks and girls took my quiet introversion as a brooding bad boy type persona. There was no skill going on on my part and I’m realizing that I could have done a LOT better with a little knowledge and confidence.
This has effected me with other types of interaction as well.
That’s OK, My social skills have already improved markedly in the week I’ve been using OBU, probably thanks to True Social. Now that I know what the problem really is, I can deal with it.
I will definitely be getting a custom Ultima with PSIT and True Social as soon as I have time to devote to that particular pursuit.
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I respect how you keep journaling all your insights. I’ve taken a break because they just come so quickly like they’re on a conveyor belt. I’m really happy for your progress man!
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Thanks. I’m really doing because it helps me solidify them and think them out fully. I’m basically just thinking out loud here. [quote=“RVconsultant, post:444, topic:6718”]
they just come so quickly like they’re on a conveyor belt.
[/quote]
I know. And it’s set on its fastest speed too. I can see how people can get overwhelmed. Fortunately, I currently have the time to think, process, and write without much distraction right now.
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**Stage 2 Cycle 1 Week 4**
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Good weekend. As I mentioned, I was super productive. I also noticed a major change in how my wife was treating me. I did some complicated cooking for Easter dinner because the wife’s MS symptoms were kicking up and she couldn’t (which we had yesterday so I could participate, I work a twelve on Sundays). I was kind of unprepared for this recipe because I’ve never done anything remotely like it. Naturally, I was kind of bumbling through it, and had to ask for her help a couple of times.
She saw that I’d not doing things in the most efficient way possible. She didn’t get critical and superioristic the way she often would in such a situation. She was visibly restraining herself too.
For my part, when she did that, I gave her a look that said I wasn’t going to put up with it. That seemed to shut her down this time instead of her seeing it as a challenge or something and escalating. -
I got an interesting article in my email this morning. Matter of fact, it was from one of the two other sub companies that I consider to be worth a crap.
It talked about how extremely successful people often look at what they’re trying to succeed at as a game that they’re trying to win. I like that. I’m extremely competitive, so I will try as hard to win a game as I will at anything. However it really takes away the pressure of thinking of everything as life and death or having my sense of self worth on the line. Healthy attitude I think, I’ll try to adjust. -
I am anxiously awaiting trying this title out in Qv2. It shouldn’t be more than a couple more days.
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I was reading someone else’s journal where they were talking about what exactly it means to be Alpha. That got me thinking about what exactly that means for me. As in, what am I trying to become by using all of this Alpha programming? What do I want the end result to look like, and what besides listening to pretty and increasingly powerful water noises do I need to do to get there?
The person whose thread it was (sorry, I forgot who) said something like he had seen “alpha” men as guys who get their sense of self worth from how many women they sleep with, and how much money they have.
And no, that’s not it. An Alpha male (ditto with an Alpha female) is someone who can unapologetically live as he chooses. The women, money, and even the people willing to follow their lead are just side effects of alpha ness. The main thrust of it is being someone who decides what they want to do and how they want to live, and does it. It’s about having an internal driving force and a sense of direction to guide it.
If an he wants to be a womanizer, he does that.
If he wants to be a family man, he does that.
If he wants to do both, he arranges his life so he can, and he does. He doesn’t worry that that’s not what you’re “supposed” to do.
If he wants money, he does what it takes to get it.
If he wants to be a monk meditating on a mountain, he does that.
If he wants to change the world in some way, he does it. -
With that, I am starting to see a picture of what I’d like my life to be. I’m also seeing how the parts of my life that I’m not happy with are the direct result of me not living that way. They’re the result of seeing myself as someone who can’t live like that. Of denying and ignoring the things that were stopping me rather than facing and conquering them. Of settling for what life gave me rather than taking the risk and effort and going through the discomfort it would take to get what I really wanted. This was a choice, and despite the childhood factors that contributed to it, the responsibility for making that choice until recently is mine alone.
The reason I made that choice day in and day out boiled down to one thing. I predicted failure whenever failure was possible. I’ve gone into a lot of the reasons for that, but the bottom line is that allowing it to continue as long as it did was also my own choice. My own responsibility.
It was a choice in that it was perfectly clear that I had severe confidence and self esteem problems, but I denied the problems, hid from them, and accepted the limited life I could have with them still active rather than doing something about it.
For example, I was unable to approach a girl to start the process of getting something sexual or romantic going. I don’t mean I was bad at it, I mean I flat out couldn’t do it because the fear was too much to function through. Seriously, facing down a yoked up felon with a shank scared me a lot less than attempting to hit on a girl. That’s not normal. That indicates a problem. It should have sent me searching for potential solutions.
It didn’t. I went on not thinking that there was a problem by carefully not thinking about it, and made due with the girls that directly threw themselves at me in ways that couldn’t be missed. There were a few nines and tens scattered in there, but for the most part it was girls who had to make the extra effort. They saw a very good looking, cool guy who wasn’t going for the super hot girls and made it happen.
Even with average looking women, it’s pretty rare that they directly throw themselves like that, and if that’s happening, it means that there are a lot more interested and giving more subtle signs. Thinking back, I ignored a LOT of really not very subtle signs of interest from some really beautiful and awesome girls because I wouldn’t make a move if I wasn’t 100% sure.
That is as I said because my mind would predict failure in anything if I wasn’t absolutely sure of success. I could have had had a much better time in my younger days if I’d recognized the issue and started searching for ways to deal with it.
I could have found some too. That newfangled internet thingy existed in the late nineties, so all I’d have had to do would be to A. See that I had major confidence problems, and B. Type “how to increase self confidence” into whatever search engine we used back in the premyspacian era.
I would have found a plethora of things that would have helped. Hypnosis, mental exercises, and even the early generations of subliminals. They weren’t nearly as good as what we can get here today, but they must have had an effect, or people wouldn’t have continued to develop the technology. There were plenty of things I could have found if I had made the choice to. And that applied to many aspects of life, not just that one.
I did get and read several of the early how to get laid books, but with the underlying confidence issues, I couldn’t make use of what I’d learned. It may as well have been “how to handle live bamboo snakes while naked”. I could read and understand the material, but there was no way in Hell that I was going to try to apply it. -
I think that the thrust of stages one and two were to stop me from believing that I can’t have the life I want and get me thinking that I can. I suspect that stage three will help with actually figuring out how to do it. The gorgon knot of financial problems and responsibilities that my choices landed me with doesn’t seem as daunting anymore, but I still don’t know how I’m going to untie it.
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- As much an I’m enjoying the effects of OBU, I’m going to switch my ultima back to RICH. The main real world issue I have to deal with immediately is our financial difficulties. Hopefully the improved manifestation technology in Ultima B and Qv2 will help with that. I’ve switched my ultima listening to right after I wake up. It means that I have to wake up an hour earlier, but I can kind of doze as I listen, and I can use the good earphones.
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Your alpha thoughts are deep. Reminds me of something I advised my friends to use if other people pressured them:
Peer pressure: “Hey why don’t you do what we’re doing? Are you a wimp?”
Response:“I’d really be a wimp if I did it because you wanted me to.”
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The only notable thing that’s happened today is there were a number of those flashback incidents.
These dealt with how I handled the breakup with girlfriend #2 again. It was a different interaction with a different person this time, and was at the event that she invited me to, and then pledged her undying love to this other guy who she’d had a thing with for years, but only at this yearly event. I was talking about it with someone else, and pretty much saying that I didn’t care that much, then going and enjoying the amazing partying and debauchery that this event had to offer. That is definitely not how it actually happened.
One might wonder why these flashbacks focus so much on how I could have better handled my early love life. I was wondering myself.
I think that it’s because that was a major factor, if not the most major factor that both caused me not to live the life that I could have, and reinforcing a negative self image going into adulthood. Matter of fact, I really cost myself a lot of potential success and happiness over it.
When I got with #1 for the last half of high school, she was the first girl who I noticed being interested in me (in retrospect, there were quite a few before that, but I talked myself out of noticing) She had lower self esteem than I did, was a complete mental mess (a little worse upbringing than me, and just didn’t have a certain internal strength that I have), not very conventionally attractive, and had poor social skills. She would have gone for any male who gave her approval and done whatever he wanted her to.
This was an easy intro to dating for me. We were set up by a mutual friend so I didn’t have to approach, and I was off to the races.
I had control of the relationship at first, but something shifted later in those two years. I think that it was when she realized that she could attract guys by acting sexual. When we went off to college, I was the one who missed her and couldn’t accept that we were going to college in different states and the relationship wasn’t going to last.
We went through several cycles Of break up get back together. That was interspersed with her psychodrama, suicide threats, and all kinds of other fun and frolic. Though it was a lot of fun when I went to visit her. She made sure that we never really broke contact, but kept playing yo yo with me. Meanwhile, she flunked out and guided her life straight into the gutter.
Oddly, it was this year that girls really started throwing themselves at me too. There’d been a few flings in high school (yes, during that relationship) but it was nothing like my first year of college.
It was epic, but would have been a lot more so if I’d dealt with some of the problems I’ve been describing here.
I realize two things here. First #1 was getting off on jerking me around. She was getting validation from the fact that she could have a guy so obsessed with her for so long. Second, with that many girls vying for my attention, most hotter, saner, and more fun, I should have realized that I was one hell of a catch and gained confidence. A lot of it.
Not how it went down. I continued to focus on her and feel bad. I think I went into a depression.
That focus took away my focus on school. I was on academic probation by the end of my first year.
During the summer, I visited her one more time, and stuff happened, but this time she let me know that we really weren’t getting back together.
I felt even worse going into my second year. Until I met #2. It was good. We had a great time, and my grades were up enough that there was a year three.
Unfortunately, (it could have been fortunate) she chose this other dude. Not only that, but she made sure I’d be there to see it. She played naïve dingy and stupid, but damn, I see it now. She did that shit on purpose. She deliberately made me as miserable as she could just to prove to herself that she she had the power to. That’s fucked up.
I went right back to the pit of despair I’d been in. I flunked out at the end of the first semester.
I had a year lease on an apartment, so I stayed for the rest of it, but that was a bad time, and the obsession didn’t die.
Also, #2 kind of set #4 on me so there was a lot of drama during that period. I remained obsessed and miserable throughout the entire year I lived at home before going to another school out of state. And I fell into the same pattern again shortly after.
There is a point to all that. It’s what all of these flashbacks have been pointing to.
In both of those cases, I put my happiness and sense of self worth in someone else’s hands. I handed over the power. Both times, they misused it to stroke their own egos as soon as they realized it. Both times I did tremendous damage to my success and self image by trying to hold on.
All of the flashbacks feature me taking my power back, moving on, and doing things to make myself successful and happy. That’s the lesson or at least one of them. Keep the power over my happiness and sense of self worth in my own hands. -
Dang, that was one long winded post.
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I enjoy reading your posts since you admit the problem, and continue to write to see reasons or solutions. That makes an encouraging read. I like how you wrap your writings up.
You’re making definite progress 
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You ain’t doing too bad yourself. Keep it up.
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I’ve been listening to RICH in Ultima B in the morning for the last couple of days. It feels really smooth running. So much so that I don’t notice any feelings or anything.
I do notice that while our financial situation isn’t good at the moment, not only am I not freaking out like I would be even last year, I feel zero anxiety about it. I mean none at all. I am sure that it ends well, though logically I shouldn’t be. I know that we’ll get what we need when we need it to get where I want to in life. I’m sure of the outcome, like I’ve already read the script.
I read on another thread that this one is a manifestation sledge hammer. It seems to be, I can tell you that even without seeing any manifestations yet. They are on the way. It’s like I’ve read the script in advance. -
I looked in the mirror this morning and I swear I look more muscular. I also seem to be losing fat. My clothes are fitting differently. No reason for either thing, I’m not working out and haven’t changed my diet.
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Since tomorrow is the fifth business day since I ordered, I really hope that my run can be a single loop of DE st2 Qv2. Good timing since my two day break will come right after.
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- No flashbacks today, that’s interesting. My guess is that when I was finally able to solidify and express the message they were trying to give me consciously that was the last stage in dealing with it.
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I set my alarm an hour early as I’ve been doing in order to run my Ultima. I noted that I was dreaming. Nothing coherent, just kind of flashes of scenes that lasted a few seconds. I got the sense that this showed my subconscious was busy doing some kind of processing work.
I’ve often been somewhat concerned that I seem to hardly dream, at least compared to a lot of people here. This shows me that I do, I just don’t remember it most of the time. -
Argh, I still haven’t gotten DE st2 Qv2. I’m oddly patient and impatient at the same time.
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It is available. Are you having any difficulties accessing it?
No, I’m just not the most patient human in the gene pool.
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I’m glad you are in the gene pool man!
Unfortunately, I forgot to bring the chlorine.
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HAHAHAHAHAHA! I think I just had my biggest laugh of the day!
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- And it has arrived. First run presently.
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- OK here goes. I’ll let y’all know.