I’m listening tomorrow morning, but rest day 3 has been having me feel sad, anxious, and frustrated. I had coffee when I got home, so that may be aggravating it.
But I’ve got to say this: I believe I’m insecure since playing helpless and afraid have been my lifestyle norms. I won’t defend it. It is true. I think recon came in since while out in the sun today, I felt productive and responsible with my time and choices. It felt really good.
Then, when I got home, my norm of “hiding from life” came up, and I was able for a while to both hide on my computer and imagine feeling good while being responsible in real life. Since I was watching a movie, I drifted towards the belief that hiding was my only choice.
I’ve lived in that “helpless at home” mindset for a number of years now.
But I’m sensing a real desire to be near people again. Geesh, it is my top emotional reason for going to work everyday.
I think Emperor and LBFH are challenging my beliefs about what makes me happy. I’m wishing for and even imagining relationships again. For example, I’ve been thinking about a female coworker who I’ve liked and felt comfortable around. She has a boyfriend, but she’s been sharing a few personal things with me lately. She told me one today, and I realized it was a true issue in her life. She said she struggles with ignoring her femininity working with all men. She said if she could, she’d live in her true femininity and not be so guarded.
I know I’ve handwaved women’s signals away before, similar to me dismissing sub manifestations, so I’m mentioning it. She’s been sweet to me the last few days. I find myself smiling when she’s near.