Welcome to the Dark

Journals - Major Programs
#142

On the recommendation of a few more experienced members, I experimented with running a 4th loop of Rebirth once a week.

I regret it immensely. It’s fucked me mentally and psychologically. I was having an immense amount of progress running Khan stage 1, it was such a great experience. But running that Rebirth loop twice has ruined everything.

I failed to take into account the fact that I was switching from QL stage 2 to QL stage 3, so that further messed things up for my subconscious.

I found myself caving into my weakness and my past addictions again, my productivity has diminished significantly, I have tripped into the darkness again.

I need help. I need to help myself.

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#143

Starting with a minimum 1 week washout, maybe I’ll do 1 loop of rebirth only for a cycle and take it from there.

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#144

Gonna take it all back in control starting today. Get my grip back on things.

These 9 days of hell and recon are done for, I’m in a washout and have no reason to succumb to previous vices. Time to get back into gear.

Today is the beginning of the psychological, spiritual, social detox. Tomorrow begins the physical and intellectual detox.

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#145

Good on you for wanting to do a lot of healing. Khan stage 1 and Rebirth might be a good combination if used in moderation. Perhaps 1 week washout, then run Rebirth at 5 minutes once a week, along with Khan twice a week at 5 minutes each, and notice what happens.

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#146

I actually have no intention whatsoever to do a lot of healing to be quite honest with you. I just ran Khan stage 1 and experienced a taste of the ultimate domination and relaxation feeling that was borderline therapeutic, and I want more but I’m just trying to figure out how.

I’m contemplating on how I should go about it. Wondering if I should put my muay thai custom on hold since it’s not really a priority of mine, and perhaps continue to run QL stage 2 instead of going to stage 3.

Rebirth, Khan Stage 1 and QL Stage 2 might just be the way for me to go but I’ll be honest; if I get recon from that stack, I’m exiting the Khan train for the time being. I think running Rebirth was kinda what f**ked it all up for me so whether it’s the actual healing or the by-product of using a 4th loop is for me to find out, once I resume my subliminal use between October 7 and 10.

If I cancel Khan, I’m gonna run LBFH instead.

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#147

Recon has completely messed me up. I feel hopeless and lost, and things keep compounding and getting worse. Don’t even want to post here, because people don’t really give a shit; they like you when things are going well but they’ll toss you out when it’s the opposite. I feel nervous about not running any subs at the moment, and I know that’s a by-product of the recon because I’ve never felt that before.

Self-pity, hopelessness, dependence; these are the feelings I’m going through right now. I should be able to let my mind rationalize and conquer those emotions and yet I cannot for the moment.

September 21, I felt like I was completely up and ready to destroy, progressing more than ever before. 10 days later and I feel like I’m back to the very beginning, over a year’s worth of progress gone to waste.

The future is deceptive. We should be grateful for every moment that we have. It can all be taken away instantly.

I wonder if I should try running LBFH. Think I need some self-love and love for others at the moment, just to get myself back on track. Or maybe I should just bite down and go all in on Rebirth and Khan stage 1, forge myself in the fire.

I pride myself on my mental toughness. I am clutch, I excel when the pressure mounts, I get stronger when I see people around me get weaker. But my greatest enemy is my greatest ally, and that is my mind.

What I need is to gain control over my inner voice again. My inner voice needs to be as gallant as it was before, my inner voice needs to remember that a man does not do what he wants, a man does what is needed. I need to do what is needed, I cannot waste all the progress I have made.

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#149

I really appreciate this message, thank you.

This is very true, and actually a bit of a pattern in my life where, despite being the most knowledgeable on a matter, I’ll defer to other people and their opinions. I’m pretty sure that it has something to do with feeling ostracized as a kid for being very smart, so the idea of deferring to others and/or dumbing myself down to be more relatable seems like the root cause of this.

Yeah, seems like that is the best way to go.

You are 100% right on this. Instead of being very methodical and precise like I usually am, I took a quick chance at trying something that I had a feeling wouldn’t work anyway. My ambition, impatience and, to be quite honest insecurity, was what worked against me here.

I chose to ran Rebirth because I was confused with the lack of recon that I was experiencing from Stage 1. I wasn’t going through a “total breakdown” (ask and ye shall receive lol) so I thought that I wasn’t getting the right results but in retrospect, I was clearly aware and satisfied with the results that I was having.

Fucking poetic. It means nothing because it is nothing. As Meek once said, wins and losses come with being bosses.

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#150

An interesting thing to note.

I was shopping with family and we were in some designer handbag store since that’s what they were looking for. They said that they remembered me because I was surrounded by women (they didn’t realize that they were all family) and they remembered my positive interactions with their staff, despite the fact that I really didn’t do anything much or out of the ordinary. I was running Stark at the time however, so I suspect that I stuck out that much more so that the second time I ever went, they clearly remembered who I was. I just thought that was odd, as I’m not a regular or anything like that.

#151

Is recon still hitting? Yeah I’d say so, even during this washout period. But thankfully, I feel like I’m being somewhat productive again with my time. School’s a lot more intense now, but that just means it’s more entertaining.

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#152

Man, I try to be more productive and all that happens is that I’m hit with major fatigue and a headache. This shit’s been happening almost every day since the 22nd, starting to get real fucking annoyed with this shit.

I was in bed for a few hours trying to sleep from how exhausted I felt, couldn’t even do that. So I decided to just get out of bed and get some work done, it’s really all I could do at this point.

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#153

Then perhaps just go to stage 2.

But perhaps washout for about 1 week or so.

#154

Still sick, still having sleep problems, quite a frustrating scenario.

Still had more sleep than yesterday though, so that means that I should be able to complete more work today.

Dropping the ball when it comes to spirituality, which I realize has probably more than likely affected my state of being. Gotta get back on that as well today.

#155

Finally got my day of good sleep in. Time to kick some fucking ass.

#156

Alright, I’m ending my washout today.

I’ve done some reflecting, and decided that I want to run a stack of my MT custom with Emperor, with the 3rd sub still undecided.

The main reason why I made this decision was to get a grip back on my productivity levels. I’ve been sitting on my ass wasting time smoking weed every day, while hanging out with my girl too much. This is some pure soft-boy soy bullshit behavior that needs to fucking stop, it disgusts me just thinking about it.

Maybe I should LBFH as my 3rd sub; the idea would be that the cultivation of self-love would allow me to appreciate myself and value myself too much to afford to take the steps back that I have had.

Regardless, Khan was a fucking amazing experience and I loved every moment of it. But a friend from this forum said it best: Khan is really great when you have everything figured out, but you have to get there first. And I agree with the idea, so I’m gonna try Emperor again and see how it goes.

Also will be using the FLAC version, as the FLAC version of True Sell was an awful experience so I’d like to truly test out the effects of the FLAC files for a longer period of time.

I’ll have to embrace not being as approachable and as popular as I was on Khan and Stark, but fuck it. I want to try and see what Emperor could make me do.

This journal was started with the idea that I was running Emperor. Welcome to the Dark is about working in the dark, when everyone else isn’t. Getting your hours in before anyone else has a chance to, that’s the whole idea and point of it. So let’s get back to the path.

For the 3rd sub I’m leaning towards LBFH or QL Stage 2. I’ll be making that final decision soon.

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#157

Best part of starting new subs are the dreams, I must say.

Ran an 11 minute loop of Emperor FLAC and a 7 minute loop of LBFH yesterday. Hadn’t been in the gym since September 24 but I couldn’t resist the urge and found myself back in the gym à few hours after that Emperor loop.

Had a fascinating dream as well. I had tickets to a movie in a large mall, but I couldn’t find the entrance to that movie because it was in a different area and I needed to find an alternate entrance because the main was blocked off. I asked workers for direction but found myself going in circles. I see a girl, looks like she’s from my country of origin, beautiful but also very modestly dressed in our cultural clothing. I’m not sure how but we started talking, and realized that we were both looking for the same movie. We walk together and decide to sit beside each other for the movie. The movie’s about to start so she asks another employee who gives us directions.

We both start running, and there’s multiple flights of stairs that we have to climb. She’s ahead of me, there’s people going down so it’s crowded, and these stairs are steep but she’s right in front of me. She turns to make sure I’m there and I keep climbing those stairs following her. Since the stairs are steep, once she gets to the top I don’t see her anymore but I eventually get there a few seconds after.

I get to the top and she’s gone. I see a massive screen of the movie and it’s an outdoor terrace of sorts, with a bunch of people gathered sitting around, some still walking looking for places to sit. The people there are of my skin color and cultural heritage like her, and I’m looking for her but can’t find her.

I turn to my left and there she was, standing right beside me. Her face is beautiful, innocent looking, she almost has tears in her eyes as she says something along the lines of ‘these are our people’. She then looks into my eyes, grabs my hand and I wake up.

What an odd dream. Never had anything like that before, that’s for sure.

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#158

Recon ain’t a bug, it’s a feature.

Eating shit for a few weeks, wondering what happened? Maybe you’re just fake as fuck. These subliminals are basically fancy overpriced affirmations for you at this point, you might as well sit at a campfire singing kumbaya to yourself you pitiful fuck.

The true test is the rebuild. Any fucker can get lucky, any bum can land a hot streak once and reap the benefits. The ones that can rebuild, the ones that can do it again and again, they are the oens that separate themselves from the pack.

Falling down happens to everyone. If you don’t get back up, you become like the rest, the ones you’re trying to separate yourself from.

Wins and losses come with being bosses. Work on the next W, or you’ll be stuck forever accepting the L.

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#159

Are you still sick?

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#160

Thanks for checking up on me. No I’m not, I definitely feel better. Still a bit of throat soreness but I’m definitely good to go.

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#161

I am also having this problem recon just never fades. @SaintSovereign this issue is very serious honestly. I have taking very very long washouts. But it does not seem to work.

  • 11 sep-10:31 pm-(PCC, GLM, Commander) custom 3 min-Khan ST1 and Khan ST4(3 min each)
  • 21 sep-9:39 PM(PCC custom)-5 min-Khan ST1-3 min- Khan ST4-3 min
  • 8 oct- 7:54 am- True sell-3 mins
  • 11 OCT-11:10 AM- Khan ST1(3 min), True sell(3 min)
    The (maybe) recon did not fade and my life was falling apart. So I listened again. I slept at the parks in cold weather. Now I have my first own business :sunglasses::sunglasses:.
    Khans are forged in the fires of adversity.
    Anyways, please share your insight. Recon seems to never fade.
#162

Hmm, interesting strategy.

I’m not Saint Sovereign, but making sure that you do not have any nutritional deficiencies, that you are getting plenty of B-vitamins, staying hydrated, and potentially having someone to talk to when you are experiencing recon (to help you process it) might be beneficial.

Congratulations on your business!