If you might need more rest days, please take them.
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September 23, 2021
Now that recon is slowly fading away; I’m getting a strong urge to start making money online again.
My job is getting on my nerves. It holds me back in so many ways. I need to escape this hell hole.
I started going through the course last night, and it’s fantastic; it goes into seminal retention, transmutation and more. I am going to continue it tonight.
I have some results from Wanted; my hair is really soft. And I haven’t even washed or used conditioner in 6 days. Another thing, the fella downstairs is holding more weight than usual.
I do jelqing, stretching and a few other exercises for length and girth. But results are coming in fast. Even just flaccid girth is noticeably bigger.
I’m even getting morning wood again.
So my optimism has returned. I think recon just had me feeling super pessimistic and lazy.
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I’m noticing some profound insights about myself and my behaviour.
Mainly pertaining to dopamine addiction.
Here they are:
I’m a total dopamine junky. I’m obsessed with how I feel. It’s the core motivator for everything I do.
Weekends come around, and I get excited to work on myself. But nothing ever really gets done…
I have this weird self-help mental jerk-off fest where I scan the internet for the best resources. And I always think, “maybe this will be it, this will fix all my problems.”
Buy it, then when it comes to putting in the work… all motivation dissipates.
Motivation gone, all hope is lost. I start to feel stuck again.
Until next weekend rolls around, I go out and party to escape my shitty circumstances. I get some socialization in (which is good, it’s an integral part of my healing process), but the next day I’m tired from all the drinking and lack of sleep.
So it makes things even worse. I already struggle with productivity and motivation. And I only make it worse. It’s like playing a video game on hard mode when you don’t even have the basic skills to play the game in the first place.
I have massive blockages when it comes to “putting in the work.” I’m a terrible student. Studying, taking notes, implementing what I learn is so tricky for me. It’s so dull it’s honestly painful.
I get a crippling sense of depression whenever I try. Occasionally I will feel driven. But it’s always fleeting.
More on healing, I need better friends. More connections, more networking. I wish I could run an inner circle right now rggghh.
I have this urge to go out to new places and meet new people. Like I seriously view partying as a way to network and meet people who can help me on my journey, and vice versa.
Brothers, I can build empires with. And in the process, meet some pretty ladies because what’s life without a little lovin’?
The people I party with now aren’t people I can network or build with. They’re family friends (who I love), but they’re all normies. Not into self-development, stoners, no real ambitions or goals in life.
I seriously think running starkQ would be an excellent fit for me. It’s a single sub that covers a lot of the goals I have, the script isn’t that much bigger than AM. But I also think switching subs could be counterproductive.
I don’t want to swap AM for stark only to realize that running it with Wanted and Regen is too much for me. But then again, perhaps it’d be perfect for me?
Maybe it’ll be exactly what I need.
Honestly, I don’t know; maybe I’m indirectly procrastinating by trying to “change something.” (Something easy. ) All while avoiding putting in the actual work, making real changes that are perhaps more difficult.
Feedback on this would be greatly appreciated.
I also think swapping LEU for Elixir would be ideal for now.
I have lots of healing to do still. And a lot of the work I need to do will help me be more productive and motivated.
It is easier to remove the gunk first than to brute force my way through it all.
Another thing: I sometimes scroll through people’s insta’s and vsco’s for inspiration.
I’m trying to reinvent myself right now.I want to take new photos and start being active again on social media.
So, I look at their feeds, and it’s full of lots of people, different places, and most importantly, it tells a story in a way.
I see social media as a tool. One to express yourself, show off your lifestyle to attract women, and overall elevate social status.
Anyways I look at my social media feeds, and it’s amateurish. The quality of the photos is sub-par. Theirs not a lot of people or different places showcased.
It doesn’t scream “fun lifestyle,” you know. It just gives off a lonely, mysterious and weird vibe that’s hard to describe.
Most people have no idea what’s going on in my life right now, and I guess it’s kind of a good thing for the time being.
But I want to have great socials. One that can be an asset to me. But I need to develop a lifestyle worth showing off.
What would make people interested in me? What would make people want to meet me? What could I do that would make people proud to be my friend?
I want that spotlight, I want people to ooh and ahh over me and my lifestyle, if I’m being honest.
For the Astro people, I have a 10 house Leo north node, so yes, this isn’t just a random wish and desire. The spotlight calls me in this lifetime. I’ve spent much too long being the “observer” of other people’s lives. Watching them have fun, all while I sit on the sidelines daydreaming about what it would be like.
I’m very drawn to people who “shine bright.”
I often ask myself: What could I do to shine bright like them?
I’m in a weird space right now. I want to go go go, but I’m held back by bad habits.
I need to do some healing, then get to work, then it’s time to shine. Does that sound right?
To summarize this giant rambling entry, somethings gotta give. I can’t keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.
Maybe I need a mentor; my dad is passive. And he can’t teach me how to do what I want to do. I need direction, a different perspective from someone wiser than I, someone to hold me accountable.
Someone to shine a light on things that maybe I’m not aware of.
I think that’s all for now.
Till next entry…
Deuces✌️
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What is your listening schedule for the next 9 days?
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September 27, 2021
Regen is deep at work. It’s been five days since I listened to my sub routine, and out of nowhere, I’m coming to many conclusions about my past.
Why certain things happened to me. Mistakes I made. Behaviours that sabotaged me.
Another realization about last night’s entry. My urge to swap AM for Stark was probably recon.
I’ve concluded that I have all these huge goals. And sure, I believe I have lots of potential. But what’s potential without action?
You could have the potential to become the greatest figure skater to ever live, but if you never pick up those skates and learn the basics… Then who cares about “potential.” It doesn’t matter.
Right now, I have a weak foundation.
I struggle with basic skills. Most notably studying, learning, and productivity. Building new habits, getting rid of harmful ones, motivation and discipline are also big ones.
Struggling with these makes all my audacious goals seem far out of reach.
This makes me think perhaps I should stick with AM as it’s also a foundational sub. I think stark is a little more advanced, and while it offers all the social/ fame aspects (Inner Circle, PCC, Daredevil and PSIT), plus the cognitive enhancement/ productivity I desire (Limitless) and the Business & Career/ wealth building I need (Emperor).
I’m just not sure I’m ready for it.
Maybe I’m wrong; who knows—just an idea.
The bottom line is that stark fits the exact archetype I want to become right now, so the urge to run it is still very present, but I’m hesitant.
Since Wanted’s physical changes are working real well below the belt 
:
I figured consciously guiding my mind via taking action towards my other goals was a good idea.
So to help me build a solid foundation, I picked up three books recently:
Atomic Habits (AM), The Presence Process (Regeneration & Elixir) and The Appearance of Power (Wanted).
Atomic habits is up first since my current habits aren’t optimal, to say the least. I have so many great resources at my disposal; the only thing that holds me back is my habits.
I will start reading that tonight, also still going through that course on how to quit PMO forever.
Finally, a little note on my day at work today:
I was in a social mood today. Instead of keeping quiet, nodding my head, and just observing my surroundings.
I made it a point to actively participate in the conversation. I cracked a few jokes that made people laugh and even weighed in on a few political and social chats we had.
This may sound insignificant to most (especially extroverts), but to me, it was a nice change. I’m not usually comfortable stating my opinions with people I’m not “close to.”
They tend to be the polar opposite of what mainstream society deems as morally correct or just different from the general group think/ herd mentality of normies.
But today I didn’t care so much 
Until next time
- Mat
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Current plan is:
- Monday (today)
1x Elixr
1x Regeneration
1x Ascended Mogul
-
Tuesday (Rest)
-
Wednesday:
1x Elixr
1x Wanted
1x Ascended Mogul
-
Thursday: (Rest)
-
Friday: (Rest)
-
Saturday: (Rest)
-
Sunday: (Rest)
-
Monday:
1x Elixr
1x Regeneration
1x Ascended Mogul
- Tuesday: Rest
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Looks like plenty of rest. How is your sleep?
My sleep has been pretty good actually.
I have no trouble falling asleep, I normally wake up feeling rested and ready to take on the day.
My energy levels are good. Sometimes I get some fluctuations, but for someone who does manual labour 9 hours a day, i’d say it’s pretty good overall.
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Oops, forgot to tag you
September 28, 2021
Last night I played: Elixir, Regen and AM (1x each)
When I first started Regeneration a month ago, I noticed old memories pop up at random.
At work, while cooking, just before going to bed. Just random times.
I also noticed a newfound interest in old songs I used to love.
I’ve concluded that this is my subconscious attempting to bring buried thoughts, feelings, events and actions to my attention.
And all the songs: it’s a way of accessing that emotional state or vibration, if you will, where these memories and emotions reside.
Music is the closest thing we have to a time machine. At least that’s my opinion.
I’m starting to notice specific patterns and themes in all of them.
What’s annoying is they tend to happen while I’m working? And I can’t just put down my hammer and go write them down in my notes.
So it’s fleeting, which is annoying.
I’m sure they will return.
Elixir certainly takes Regen to a whole other level. I can’t believe how many connections I’m making and how fast they come.
Oh wait, here’s one I had:
I randomly thought, how can I work manual labour 9 hours a day, yet I can’t even work on myself for a few hours on the weekend.
How am I so disciplined in one sense yet so lazy in another?
Maybe it’s the reward. I get a decent paycheck every two weeks.
Perhaps working on myself doesn’t yield a strong enough “reward” to further motivate me to do it again.
Maybe it’s the environment. And the associations I have with them. Home = Relaxing, Work = Well… work lol.
Maybe it’s because I work with other people; therefore, there is pressure to perform.
This needs more introspection.
Atomic habits probably covers a lot of this.
(Btw phenomenal book, if you haven’t read it. You need to read it NOW)
On the topic of socializing, I’m still feeling pretty social. But something irks me.
I think it’s to do with the people that surround me.
I’m just so different than all of them. SO DIFFERENT. I’m very different from most people, to be honest. And maybe that’s why I have a hard time relating to them.
Sure, I can put on a front. I can wear my “normie mask” if I need to.
But it’s annoying. Why should I lower myself to compliment you?
“Ohh yeah, life is so hard, I hate my life, happy wife happy life, can’t wait to retire.”
Like sorry, I can’t relate. Go co-misserate with someone else who cares. If you’re not willing to help yourself, then I don’t want to talk. You’re a waste of time
The thing is, I don’t want to be a complete social loner.
I already keep people at a distance; I don’t open up to any of them.
Because if I stated my honest opinions, I’d get a bunch of backlashes, question after question, cognitive dissonance etc.
And I have no patience to deal with that. I’m not here to wake those kinds of people up. I’m not Morpheus for the normies.
For example: on the last break, some guy starts talking to me about buying winter tires for his car.
“This place sells them for $649 while this one sells them for $593.”Like okay… why are you telling me this.
I’m 21; I don’t own a car. I know nothing about purchasing tires. The $56 difference is nothing to me; I don’t care about your tires or car. You’re an adult; you can make your own decisions.
Like why are you telling me this? I could be reading my book right now.
Then he talks about some young lad who used to work with him that was lazy and always slacked off. And then compared the kid to himself.
“I’m an old concrete worker; I work out two times a day blah blah blah.”
All he did was talk about himself. Never asked me anything. Never asked me about my day. Even when I go to say something, I’d get cut off mid-sentence…
Even I know that asking other people questions, showing genuine interest and making people feel heard and understood is a good way to make friends and be just be liked in general.
Anyways, I say all this to illustrate a point. And the fact is this:
I want to be more social, but I also don’t want to be a phoney. I don’t want to pretend to be someone I’m not.
Truthfully I think I need to find a better tribe.
Further motivation to get out of this place as soon as possible.
Anyways,
That’s all for today. Sorry for the little rant, I just want to imprint a certain energy in this entry. So that I can remember my what my thought process was today.
Till tomorrow
-Mat
A quick note on Wanted.
My body is looking more symmetrical. My physique has more flow to it. For lack of a better term, It looks more pleasing to the eye.
One thing I have noticed. My jaw is imbalanced.
I always take photos with my right side facing the camera because I always saw it as my “better side.”
When I took photos on my left, I was always put off.
And now I know why. It’s the asymmetry. I predominately chew my food with the right side of my jaw.
So no wonder. Going forward, I’m going to chew my food with my left side. I might even grab some mastic gum and start doing mewing; who knows.
September 29, 2021
Played 1x Elixir this morning and will play Wanted (solace) 1x and AM 1x
Today was a good day. Little to no recon present.
Still a lot of pondering.
Following the theme of habits. I asked myself; how did I quit weed so easily.
I smoked for 3 years, lots of it. I really used it to escape my feelings, escape my reality, to forget who I was.
It was a terrible habit I had. But it had such a strong grip on me. It made me feel like it was helping me in some strange way. But the whole time, it was really ruining my life. Stockholm Syndrome at best
Reason I thought about this, was because I’m trying to find some common themes. I’m trying to find what exactly caused me to put it down for good.
Maybe it was the pain/pleasure scale that changed directions. Instead of blaming all of my problems on other factors, I tied it to weed.
Learned about the benefits of quitting weed, and made my decision.
But I think there is something more because I really enjoyed being high. How could I give that up so easily? How could I so quickly decide never to touch it again?
And how can I apply this to quitting porn, or other bad habits like procrastination.
That’s all for today
Until tomorrow
-Mat
Hey Mat, I’m seeing you’re kinda like me in that you’re a total self-help junkie that loves to procrastinate and stop when the motivation ends (and it ends quite quickly). As for me I like planning these huge, big goals that sound amazing on paper but when I execute them it falls flat because there’s too much inertia to just do everything at once. And I know that I should do one habit at a time but I just want to do everything at once because I feel the need to catch up! Now I’m not where I want to be yet, nor am I anywhere close. I will say that at least for now, I can say that I’m making progress I’m happy with even if it’s not fast as I’d like.
You might want to look into the concept of a Non-Zero Day, I’ve found it really useful for myself. I’ve been procrastinating heavily for years and this has been the thing to push me forward, ever so slightly. It’s a long post (and you should read the OP post too) but I think it’d be worth it for you, just like it has been for me and so many other people. Maybe give it a try and allow yourself to accept that even just one small movement (like one pushup, one minute of work, one minute of meditation) is enough to jump start that process to lubricate those wheels. Eventually as you start to get moving you’ll pick up speed and you will thank yourself for it.
Also I’d definitely read Atomic Habits as per your recommendation, sounds similar to the concept advocated for here too.
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Awesome, thank you for the recommendation!
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Today was interesting
The first half of the day was pretty normal.
The afternoon was a little different.
The overall mood was great; it’s Friday, and I’ve been sticking to my nightly habits.
Journaling (almost) daily, Reading atomic habits, doing my exercises for the goodfella south of the border , and meditating before bed.
Also still working through the quit PMO course.
So I started thinking about the past again. And a few things came up.
This girl I was wheeling. I was thinking about her today.
And how that situation was a major contribution to my downfall back in high school.
So I was trying to remember how we broke things off. And I remembered that I had told someone we were dating when we weren’t.
She then asked me about it over text. I said maybe it was a miscommunication.
Then we broke things off.
I was hung up on her for years. Honestly, I was still until today.
See, when I work I can’t listen to music. So I sing songs in my head.
Chris Brown has always been one of my favourite artists. So I was singing a bunch of his songs today.
Loyal Chris Brown - Loyal (Official Video) ft. Lil Wayne, Tyga - YouTube
This was what I was singing for a while; then I got to thinking about how many dudes are out here simping for promiscuous females.
Then started singing other songs, which began bringing back memories. Ones that made me think of the past. The ugly stuff mostly.
So as I noticed, these songs were bringing up memories that had been buried. I was connecting dots.
So I commanded my subconscious to play a song. A random song.
I waited… 10 seconds later
Rock you like a hurricane comes in blasting : Scorpions - Rock You Like A Hurricane (Official Music Video) - YouTube
Then it hit me, (like a hurricane)
This girl started wheeling another guy as soon as we stopped seeing each other. Then a few weeks later was with some different dude.
She was also texting lots of dudes when she was with me.
So then, upon realizing this, my mind switched songs back to Loyal: “THESE Censored AIN’T LOYAL, WOAHHH THESE Censored AINT LOYAL.”
Then I cracked the biggest smile and just started laughing.
I was hung up on a promiscuous girl. It took me five years to realize that as beautiful as she was, I couldn’t make a promiscuous girl a housewife.
I was trying to give her love. I was trying to make her mine. But she didn’t want it.
I even thought back to the times we hung out. And she was always boring. She had nothing to say; she was always on her phone, texting other dudes.
The only time she was fun was when we were drunk. That’s when we had our magical connection. But sober… nothing.
I cannot believe it took this long to come to this realization. Wow…
And just like that, a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
I’m free now; I don’t care anymore.
I made peace with my past today.
A few weeks back, I was on a camping trip with some old friends.
And out of nowhere today, I remembered another camping trip we had in 2017. (Which was the same year this all transpired)
They told me I was a wreck. Drunk, crying, sad etc. I told them a bunch of stuff about my situation.
And I had no idea; I was blackout drunk. But when they mentioned that to me, I grew nervous at the time. “Omg, what did I say? How did I not know this WTF”. Then I grew more paranoid.
I thought: “If I don’t remember this, then what else did I do that I don’t remember from back then. I could’ve drunk texted her or something else stupid.”
But now, it doesn’t matter. I was hurt. And everyone has wounds. After all, I am human.
So I forgive myself. If I ever hurt others, and I forgive everyone that ever hurt me.
The past is gone. I was young, my intentions were good. If I f*cked up fine. It is what it is. I can’t control the past.
I can’t even control the future…
I can only control the present.
Till next time
- Mat
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Ah yes, my apologies SC.
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Thank you for the editing above.
Regeneration can bring these things to the surface.
Now at some point, I would encourage you to think about getting DR and WANTED.
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Thank you, I’ve actually been running Wanted for about a month now. I just don’t know how to change my journal’s title. Perhaps I’ll open a new one to update the playlist.
But yes, I’ve been thinking a lot about running DR for a while now.
As much as I want to move onto bigger titles like StarkQ, I think dragon reborn would really help me build a solid foundation.
Just type what you want to change your journal title to and I can change it.
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