Wanted, AM, Regen & Elixir

Journals - Major Programs
#49

October 4, 2021

I was really happy today

I had a dentist appointment; my new hygienist is lovely and did an excellent job on my teeth.

I’m looking into teeth whitening methods right now. I drink black coffee, red wine, tea, and smoke the occasional cigar.

So naturally, my teeth always have some stain on them, and it bothers me.

So I have white stripes, and I just ordered a whitening pen with great reviews. So I’ll let you know how it goes.

Back to my day, I showed up to work at 11 and finished at 5, so that was nice. Day flew by

Not just because it was shorter, but I felt almost high today. Theirs just something fresh in the air. I can’t explain it.

Like I’m starting a new chapter. Everything felt different today.

I did play a loop of Elixir this morning, so maybe that was it.

One noteworthy thing about today. When I was working, I was daydreaming a lot.

And I imagined myself running game on girls. I do this sometimes at random. To practise for any future situations.

And today, I was on point. I had quick and witty remarks. The push and pull was there. I could tease and flirt like a pro.

It was cool. I often think I don’t know how to flirt. I wouldn’t know what to say to a girl. But truth be told, I do. I just need to get out of my head. Often, I’m too logical, and that dampens the fun and makes things boring.

And that’s the last thing you ever want to do to a woman…

So weirdly enough, while working… I discovered some keys to being a better seducer.

The power of push and pull, not being so logical, building tension, pausing and using silence to build tension etc., further.

It was something else. Best of all, I wasn’t modelling my behaviour after anyone. It was genuinely me. There was no pretending; it was completely authentic.

Wanted… is that you?

Either that or it’s the one loop I played of PSITU before the party :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:

Pretty cool nevertheless

  • Mat
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#50

Yikes, remember the party? Neighbour’s snitched. Exactly as predicted.

I’ll update in about an hour

Wish me luck :hugs:

#51

Good luck :+1:t4::four_leaf_clover:

1 Like
#52

Ok, so I just talked to my mom.

Supposedly the music was really loud. To make matters worse, the back door was open, and I had a bunch of windows open too.

So the neighbours came over that night and asked us to turn down the volume as they had a one-year-old who was trying to sleep.

Even our cross-door neighbours could hear it. They texted my mom and told her about it.
So that’s how she found out.

I’m kind of pissed off. Not because I got caught, but because I didn’t listen to my heart.

I remember thinking of all the excuses I could use, different ways to play this down etc.

But a voice inside said, “Tell the truth.”

Literally, that’s what I heard.

Honestly, I thought I was going crazy for a moment. Did my brain just talk to me? Am I going schizo?

Of course, I didn’t listen. And as a result, it made things worse. She didn’t even care so much about the party.

She cared that

  1. I disobeyed her
  2. I didn’t tell her the truth upfront

Basic stuff, I’ve been through this many times before. Worse of all, I know this is what they want.

Honesty

Yet, I still thought I could think my way out of this. That I could outsmart everybody, and everything would work out just fine.

But no, it didn’t happen.

And because I lied, I seem even more untrustworthy now.

I swear my brain always gets in the way. It always leads the way for me. Not my heart. My head.

I think this is where a lot of my problems come from.

I’m gonna cut this one short and gather my thoughts.

Peace SC,

-Mat

#53

October 6, 2021

Short update today

Mood this morning was kind of trash. I was tired, felt angry at times. (Going through imaginary arguments with my parents.)

Probably recon.

Afternoon was a little better, but at one point I started getting really light headed and started sweating a bit. Thought I was on the verge of a panic attack honestly.

I think it was because I was holding my breathe. Anyways, I quickly regained my composure.

Toward the end of the day I was in a more social mood. I actually participated in convos instead of just listening.

Made people laugh :slight_smile:

So that was a nice end to my work day

Now I’m drained. Honestly didn’t feel like writing an entry today but a chapter out of Atomic habits that I’m reading convinced me to do it.

The goal is just to just get started.

The goal isn’t to read for 20 minutes, it’s to read 1 page

The goal isn’t to write a huge journal entry, it’s to write a few words about how you felt today

The goal isn’t to do my skincare routine tonight, it’s to walk to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

Just doing these small tasks, led me to complete my bigger tasks. Despite my low motivation right now.

So bad start, but a good ending to my day

Until next time,

-Mat

#54

How would you summarize your progress for the past 30 days?

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#56

My progress is good. A bit of a roller coaster honestly.

Overall: I feel great. Like I’m growing into a new person. Theirs lots of pain and pleasure. Theirs a lot of uncertainty. Recon hits hard sometimes, but it’s brief. I also have occasional periods of fatigue, which, again, are usually short-lived.

I’ve identified a lot of areas that need improvement

Things like: Get my habits in order, then optimize my learning speed and retention. Identify who I am? What is my purpose? Optimize my style, relationships, money, sex life etc.

I’ll delve a bit into each sub and the themes

Wanted:

Oral care (Using electronic toothbrush, mouth wash, floss, and teeth whitening methods.
Doing length and girth exercises for penile growth. I am supplementing with a multivitamin, fish oil, ZMA, And others.
Washing face daily, moisturizing, shaving regularly. Going to start doing vocal exercises to deepen my voice. I am getting a better feel for fashion. I’m outgrowing old clothes and styles.

My physique is starting to look better despite not training for two weeks now
(I’ve got to get back on that) Also I love looking at myself in the mirror. I almost always strike a pose real quick and just laugh and think…

“Fuck, I’m handsome”:joy:

Regeneration & Elixir:

I’ve identified that I read too much on my phone. Too much mindless scrolling to get that dopamine fix. Too much thinking and not enough action.
Sometimes I even think I don’t know what or how to take action on my goals. Almost like there is some invisible barrier stopping me.
(Could it be limiting beliefs?:face_with_monocle:)

Whenever I start taking action on something new, like growing my IG account or starting a side hustle; I get super bored and go back to procrastinating (reading and learning about what to do or even mindless scrolling)

I’ve also realized that I live in my head too much. Everything bores me. Even when hanging out with friends, the second I get bored, I tune out and start daydreaming or singing along to music, making me feel like an outsider. It’s like I turn invisible; no one acknowledges me; even if I try to say something, it’s like no one even hears what I say.

Then I look at all the other people with the attention on them and think, “I wish I could be like that.” Why does he grab everyone’s attention? What’s he got that I don’t? Why does it come so easily for them? Why does everyone like them and want to talk and hang with them?

I swear I overthink everything. Continuing…

My relationship with my sibling is getting better. We chill together more often. Take more pictures and videos together. We don’t fight anymore which is really cool too.

When I re-read my journals, it’s kind of painful. It isn’t easy to describe. It’s like “yucky.”
I don’t like the vibe I get when reading a lot of them. Perhaps that’s a sign of growth?

I also identified that I’m uncomfortable being the centre of attention. I get self-conscious when everyone looks at me and listens to me talk. I think it comes down to a fear of rejection/ needing the approval of others.
Typical people-pleasing attitude. I adjust my speech and attitude to please everyone around me. And because I can’t fully express myself, I don’t talk often. Again, I just sit back and observe. I’m always the quiet one, and I fucking hate it.

Oddly enough in certain scenarios, when I am the centre of attention, it feels really good. Something inside me lights up. I feel like superman. I get more witty, seductive, social. I bring high energy to the group. (As I’ve been told). My brother says I get everyone hyped when I’m around. I let loose; everyone else lets loose. Sometimes I forget that I’m the oldest there, so naturally, everyone follows my lead.

AM:

I’m getting ideas for my future lifestyle. Like gym routine, what car I’m going to buy, etc.
Spending habits: identifying wants vs needs.
I’m getting more realistic about my financial goals and the timeframe it’s going to take. Along with the steps I’m going to have to go through.

The only negative, I’m losing discipline. Everything was great for about a week, then I moved to my mom’s (Parents are separated), and now it’s gone. It might have to do with my environment. My room is clean at my dad’s but is a mess here at my mom’s.

Know what? I’m going to clean it right now and see what happens. I think it will help me.
Cleanroom, clean mind.

Also, I’ve been feeling a little more anxious than usual. Like my resting heart rate is a little higher than usual. My forehead vein is also showing, which is a telltale sign that I’m stressed about something. Even just going for a walk these past few days, I felt self-conscious for some reason. I really need to get back into the gym. This always seems to happen when I stop working out.

What’s annoying is despite my nervous/ restless energy, I’m feeling sluggish, like 0 motivation to do anything. Another thing is, again, productivity. Completely lacking. I haven’t been doing anything to move towards my goals these past few weekends(At least it feels that way). It’s really frustrating.

Quick note: After re-reading this post, I’m noticing a common theme. It’s almost all thinking. All planning. No real action taking. Just mental masturbation.

Besides going out on weekends and socializing. That’s the only area where the action is being taken consistently. And I am noticing a complete change in my behaviour and the way people react to me. But besides that, nothing. I mean, yes, I’m doing little things for my looks and personal hygiene. Yes, I’m reading my book. But no significant action taking.

Internal changes are very noticeable,
External is a mix. Physically… yes. Actions and habits, not quite. Very small changes.

So yes overall it’s a mixture of good and bad. And at the time of this entry I am experiencing recon so maybe I’m biased towards the negative right now. But it’s alright though, I’m optimistic. Things always get worse before they get better. At least that’s my experience.

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#57

Great summary!

1 Like
#58

October 11, 2021

This weekend was pretty fun. It’s Thanksgiving here in Canada, so it’s a long weekend.

Saturday was awesome. I haven’t seen my family in a year and a half due to covid. (And Canada’s commie rules, IMHO)

So we had them over for dinner. After greeting everyone and serving everyone drinks and appetizers, we all sat down to catch up.

At first, I was a little nervous. Mainly about talking about myself. I think it’s because I know I’m capable of so much more than I currently do; I’ve got this weird inferiority complex.

My younger brother is doing HVAC; he’s almost done school, he’s working in his field, he just bought a new car. And me, well, I’m doing manual labour. I don’t have a car yet, or my full license. I know I’m smarter than him, and also, I’m older too.

So it’s weird. I feel like I’m behind. But it turned out fine. Everyone’s always happy to see me, and they know I’ve overcome a lot in the past few years. So they’re proud of me :slight_smile:

Now let’s get to the good stuff.
My sister invited her friend over to the dinner. And she’s gorgeous. What’s strange is before this evening, I was attracted to her. But I didn’t think much of it. After that night… wow. I’m growing quite fond of her, to say the least, :innocent:

Just watching her talk to my family. She was so kind, passionate, so interested in what they had to say. She was a natural. So confident talking to everyone.

Oddly enough, she rarely looked at me at first. But that started changing very quickly…
After I made a joke and started talking more, she began to look at me. I think she was nervous around me before. I mean, she is younger than me too. But I think showing off my playful side made her warm up to me.

As the night went on, we went outside to the backward. The girl I was talking about before was sitting across from me. And I could sense this tension between us. I started to notice her eyes on me a lot. Sometimes I’d even catch her staring real quickly, and then she’d quickly look down. She often adjusted herself and played with her hair a lot too. She also laughed at everything I said.
Even things that weren’t all that funny.
She smiled at me a lot too.

At dinner, (and I’ll do my best to describe this)
It’s like there was this subconscious seduction thing going on between us. I wasn’t even doing it on purpose. Just her presence alone filled my heart up with passion and seduction. I just had this very subtle but seductive body language going on, and I could tell she was into it. Like this extra flair of a swagger had been activated on a whim.

When my sweet potatoes were ready, I went into the kitchen to grab them. And before I did. I turned around and looked back at her. And she was already staring at me. And her look was hard to describe. She was smiling, she had that seductive gaze, but it transitioned into this look of “melting away.”

I’m trying my best to describe it. If I could read her mind at that moment, it would be something like, “omg, I just got caught.”

After that, I was like… “ok, she’s totally into me.”

One thing that turned me on was her gracefulness. So feminine, so elegant. I was impressed.

I drank red wine for most of the night. She started drinking white. And I think she was mirroring me. See, I hold my wine glass by the stem as it’s proper etiquette. Most people hold their glasses from the bowl. At first, she held it by the bowl. But after a while, I noticed her holding it from the stem.

Interesting…

A little after dinner, all of my sister’s other friends come over. One of them is also cute.

I say what’s up to her, and immediately her eyes light up. Pupils dilate. Exited look on her face. Almost exaggerated smile. “I’m good; how are you.”
First time I’ve ever seen her look at me like that.

So my brother and I decide we’re going to leave and see some of the boys.

We do, and the girls join us later.

We hung out on the front porch, and as I heard the girls coming. I immediately saw her, and we both locked eyes immediately.

They all sit down. Start playing music. I get up to use the washroom. And one of the cute girls grabs my attention. “Mat!”

And I’m like “what” all aggressively. And she just stared into my eyes with this dreamy look.

“Nothing, I just wanted to say hi.”

And then she kept staring into my eyes with increasing tension.

Then I’m like, “what are you doing” (broke the tension)

And she’s like, “witchcraft. I’m casting spells on you.”

(Side note) about a year ago, I called her a witch for some reason. And it seems to have stuck with her because whenever I see her, she brings it up in a joking manner.

I think she got turned on when I raised my voice at her.

Back to the story: the girl I’m very fond of starts playing her music. And every song she played was one I knew. Not only that, but I knew all the words to most songs.

Like damn. Do we have the same taste in music too? We sang and danced, often looking at each other and smiling too.

Her, I and a few others were in the kitchen. She and I were talking. (I don’t remember what about) All I remember were her eyes and her smile. Her eyes are electric. My favourite thing about her. So beautiful, my god.

We all leave, we’re walking on the street

I ask the other cute girl for a sip of her drink; she says, “no, I don’t want your std’s” (flirting)

I then go and take a piss on her ex’s front lawn (genuinely cause I had to go but also found it kind of funny)

Then we start messing with the stop sign out front.

It falls, then the girl I’m into grabs it and starts carrying it down the street. Then she decided to drop it in the middle of my road :joy:

That turned me on. Not only is she classy and beautiful. But she’s got a wild side. That I dig…

We get back to my house; it’s almost 3 am. The others want to go home. But she and I tried to stay up and hang longer.

So we all go to my basement.
Everyone’s tired except her and me. She saw our red solo cups and said she wanted to play beer pong. So we dI.

She wasn’t that good, and I was doing pretty damn good. I think she was messing up on purpose, honestly.

Then she started FaceTiming her “soon to be boyfriend,” and that’s when everything clicked.

That’s why she’s holding back. I knew something was up because energy doesn’t lie. Not only that but she’s my sister’s friend, and she’s two years younger than me. I swear if I could get her alone, we’d be off to the races.

Anyways ever since that night, I can’t stop thinking about her.

Idk what’s gotten into me. I woke up dreaming about her. The next day, I daydreamed about her a lot.

Dancing and singing with her, making out with her, making love to her. Everything. Last night I stayed in, had a few drinks and fantasized about her all night. My god, I haven’t felt this way about a girl in a long time. I think theirs something special about this girl.

I hope fate works out for us. Because that was something else, I can’t believe how into her I am. It’s crazy. Like what did she do to me?

Theirs just something about when we lock eyes. She has these eyes that are just…magical.

Wanted seems to be working, but it’s like it’s also working in reverse.

Because I want her… Bad

I’ve never felt like this before. What’s going on…?

#59

Be careful about using mouth wash. Unfortunately, not only does it kill the odor causing bacteria, but it also kills other important and beneficial bacteria as well.

As far as using an electric tooth brush… Is it really better than doing it manually? I’m asking because I’ve never really tried it. I’ve always wondered about how good it would be.

1 Like
#60

Ah yes, thanks for the heads up. Just read about this.

Personally, I have noticed a difference. My teeth look a lot cleaner. Be sure not to brush too hard if you decide to use one. It can lead to receeding gums. You gotta let the toothbrush do the work.

1 Like
#61

October 13, 2021

My nervous mood has subsided. I felt a sense of calmness and inner peace today.

I had to train some newbies at work, and it went pretty well. I’m not always comfortable taking the lead and teaching others.

But it felt good to get out of my comfort zone today, which reinforced an important lesson in my life. Facing uncomfortable situations and feelings almost always reaps the rewards. How can one expect different results from making the same decisions over and over?

Being bold has always worked for me.

“Oh, I’m scared to do XYZ.”

“Fuck it, do it anyway. Will you die?”

“Okay fine”

This is usually my thought process, lol.

From giving oral presentations, speaking up in a group, making moves on girls. Being bold has always challenged my limiting beliefs. And it’s very liberating to succeed.

“Oh wow, I am good at public speaking. What was I so nervous for?“

“That line I was too nervous to say to that girl? Worked like a charm; why did I doubt myself?”

“That new bench press PR I hit today? I didn’t think I had it in me. But I got it!”

I need to push myself more.

I don’t have anyone around me to push me right now. It’s just me. Maybe I’ll start pushing my friends more, and as a result, they’ll push me?

I need some healthy competition in my life, even if it’s just against my old self.

Your comfort zone is a silent killer.
So get out as soon as you can.

  • Mat
#62

I was in a great mood today

Again feeling very social, it’s like my old limiting beliefs are subsiding. I’m starting to feel more comfortable talking in front of people.

My energy was high today, and I felt extra “sexy” for some reason😂

Wanted is a great sub. It’s helping me feel like my old self. The happy, good-looking and witty Mat is returning. But with a bit of new flavour.

“The game of hot and cold will become your second nature when dealing with others.”

This couldn’t be more true, LOL. I’m such a flirt on wanted. I even find myself coming up with more witty comments when just casually talking to other men.

Life’s a lot better when you don’t take it so seriously all the time.

#63

October 16, 2021 (A little behind in entries)

Last night was… Wow

Remember this girl? Ya, we had a small house party, and she was all over me last night.

Before I showed up, I was on the phone with my brother, who was already there. And in the background, I heard a girl say, “Omg Mat’s coming?? I love mat!!” in this very enthusiastic tone.

It was her.

When I got there, my God, was she flirty with me. Right in front of everyone too. Even though she has a boyfriend…(who wasn’t there)

“Mat, can we take shots?” with that sweet innocent look.

I said no at first.

We play kings cup, and I get to make a rule. I say that she has to drink whenever someone else drinks.

“That’ll get her off our backs,” I say to my friend.

Later on, we’re chilling in the same room together. Just us two. That’s where things started escalating. We were laughing, touching, hugging. The flirting was really getting obvious.

We decide to take shots together. Other people come, and we get pushed together. She’s flirting with me even more now. Touching me in front of everyone. Looking deeply and lustfully into my eyes. She and I were glued together all night. At one point, she did this awkward fail of a wink at me, and it was cute as hell. The energy I felt radiating from her just oozed attraction.

Not so much a primal sexual type (though it was still very present), but more of a seductive & hypnotic attraction. She was certainly drawn to me, to say the least.:wink:

My friend even said, “You guys were so obvious.” Everyone could tell you two were flirting. My brother even told my best friend “Watch him” a few times😂

At one point, we were up in a bedroom with a few others. And me and her we’re flirting a lot. I don’t recall everything we were talking about, but there was clear sexual tension in the air that they could all feel.

My friend even left us alone, then one of my other friends looked at me with those (you gonna get some) type eyes. As he walked out, he came back in shortly after to check on us. (I think he was testing us.)

What’s funny is she got a text from her boyfriend shortly after, and started getting all sad. Then she starting crying and drunk texting him. That’s when I got serious for a moment and held back. I just let her hug me and cry. I was almost like a father to her at that moment. I was encouraging her to love her man and understand that she had done no wrong.
(Yikes, I’m so bad wtf)

Then we went downstairs and started dancing and stuff. She started dancing with me at one point, and I immediately grabbed her waist. Then I let go And thought, “fuck, what am I doing?”

For the majority of the night, I forgot she had a boyfriend. I wasn’t even thinking. Something just took over me; it was like she put me in a trance. We were both so attracted to each other it was like nothing, and nobody else existed at that moment.

Whatever this was, was exactly what I felt last night. (I see you “Wanted”:clinking_glasses:)

It feels like a superpower. Being able to access that state of being is something else. Now I need to be careful of how I use it…:sweat_smile:

Because I genuinely don’t want to interfere with people’s relationships, but for some reason I just couldn’t help myself last night.

So in two weeks, two of my sisters friends are both clearly into me. Both have boyfriends, both are friends with eachother, both are blondes and both are Leo’s♌

Interesting🧐

4 Likes
#64

Go get 'em, Tiger.

1 Like
#65

October 17, 2021

I woke up feeling full of love. I slept in for an hour to keep dreaming about her and reminisce on that night together.

This is so fucked up. It feels so good, but it’s so bad. The chemistry we have can’t even be put into words.

I even remember the first night I met her. Her boyfriend was saying bye to the other boys. She walked up to me with this cute and shy look. “Well, it was nice to meet you,” she said with this fiery look in her eyes.

It was like something out of a movie—that look. Fellas, tell me you know what I’m talking about.

Then I took a slight pause while gazing into her eyes and said, “Yeah, you too.”

Then there was this awkward moment where we kept staring at each other, so I dapped her up to cut the tension.

This is the kind of shit I mean, it’s like something out of a movie.
I’m worried that if she breaks up with her boyfriend, she’ll start chasing me. Then fall hard for me.

I kind of always had this effect on girls tbh; it’s rather strange. I can recall multiple occasions where women were obsessed with me, and I had never said a word to them in my life, yet they’d look at me like I’m some celebrity. I’d catch them staring; they start giggling or running away and hide.

I even had girls that, after kissing me once, just fell hard. And I mean HARD.

She’s definitely that type of girl.

Ugh, I’m torn. I want her, but I don’t like the drama that would likely follow.

After finishing up at the gym today, I took a sauna, which put me in a mood. Man, this is such a weird nostalgic feeling.

I left the gym and started playing my slow R&B playlist. Like damn, when I start listening to that type of music. Somethings up.

Even walking to the bus stop, I was singing while staring at the sidewalk. Just fantasizing about her again. I can’t get that look out of my head. Just us locking eyes. It’s been playing over and over again in my head all day. It drives me insane just thinking about it.

Then “Down Low -R.Kelly” starts playing. And I just started laughing. Oh, the irony, I guess synchronicities have a sense of humour too

“WHAT IS A MAN TO DOOOO, IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS”

But then I got serious for a moment and thought, what if this is where we’re heading. I can’t lie, a part of me is into those kinds of thrills.

If I didn’t know her boyfriend so well, I would do it. But because I grew up with him, and because I respect him. I don’t think I’ll do anything with her.

“Think”

When I was on the bus, in was still listening to my playlist just looking out out the window. And this dude comes to the back of the bus, looks at me and sits down.

At first glance, he struck me as mentally unstable, so I ignored him.
Then he sat at the very back, near me. He then asked me, “everything alright, buddy.” To which I pretended I didn’t hear him as I had earphones in.

I could tell he thought I was sad. But it wasn’t so much that. I just felt lost for lack of a better term. It’s hard to describe what I really felt.

It’s like my life is starting to feel like a movie; it’s unpredictable what will happen next. But one thing is for sure; something is going to happen…

1 Like
#66

Oct 18, 2021

I had a terrible sleep last night, one of those nights that felt like I didn’t sleep at all.

It’s weird, this happens every once in a while. I’m not quite sure why.

I do remember a dream I had, though. It was about the other girl (the first one).

I agreed to do some play with her; it was very last minute.

I remember being at the theatre seeing her dressed up, all hot and sexy. Before I could go up and talk to her, the scene switched to an old friend from high school. Still at the theatre, but it was just us two and the set.

I tell him I’m so nervous because I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do in the play. I don’t even so much as know my role or the story of our play.

He then takes me through this winter Bootcamp where it’s like full-on warfare. Like some real call of duty shit. The mission was to capture something. And in the blink of an eye, the scene turned into a full-on war against Russian soldiers. Felt completely real; the theatre background completely dissolved at this point.

I don’t remember all the details, but I do know it was intense and felt real.

Towards the end, everything shifts back to the theatre. I see my parents and family walk up to me and hand me a pumpkin spiced latte (which I don’t even drink). They go and find their seats. I’m just happy to have some form of caffeine and sugar to give me some energy, as fighting Russian soldiers can be pretty exhausting.

I hear the crowd now. There is only 5 minutes until showtime. I still haven’t discussed with the girl what her or my role is, let alone anything about the play. I don’t even know where she is at this point. I’m all confused and nervous because I have no idea what’s about to happen and then…

MY ALARM GOES OFF.

Fuck I was so mad, I wanted to know what was going to happen😂

#67

October 18, 2021

Trying something new, going to make Wanted my driver for the next month.

So: Wanted 2x a week, Regeneration 1x a week, Ascended Mogul 1x a week, Elixir 2x a week.

Felt weird around lunch today, lightheaded and distorted. A feeling of depression came over me and dragged on for the next 2 hours.

After lunch, I almost felt sick. I was tired, even yawning, which is compltey unlike me. I never get afternoon slumps.

Can recon manifest as physical symptoms? I was certainly experiencing it, but the physical symptoms were odd.

Maybe Regeneration is working through something? I don’t know, honestly.

After my last break, I started feeling good again. Actually great. All physical symptoms subsided and i felt at ease again.

#68

October 19, 2021

Recon strong right now

I’m at work thinking of all the childhood experiences that led to me developing an inferiority complex, from my hockey teammates to classmates.

Hockey teammates always seemed closer together than me. Most were bigger and better than me at most skills; they all hung out often without me.

Classmates, same thing, always seemed closer together than me. It’s like I was just the observer laughing at everyone’s jokes, but rarely would I ever speak. I also felt inferior because my grades, work ethic and study habits were terrible. This made me feel stupid and lazy.

I also was getting angry at my parents because they used to get mad at me for smoking weed all the time. So I’d hide it to avoid the pain that came with being scolded for it.

“Tell the truth, mat,” ya?

Well, when I did, I got treated like I was fucking Hitler. It really makes a kid feel loved and cared for. Addiction is so misunderstood. People used to escape the pain of their lives. They don’t use it because they’re just “losers.” Theirs a deep-rooted pain in their life that drives them to use. And I got no sympathy. I was just treated like a bad person who wanted to get high “just cause.”

Relieving these memories is painful and depressing, to be honest. I hope theirs a point to all of this.

#69

October 20, 2021

I had a dream last night

Rather weird, but I’ll write it down anyways.

My dad and I were walking onto this dock, and we saw a bunch of my old friends fishing on the side of the ocean.

We tell them to come with us.

My dad and I walk to the end of the dock (which is high up in the air). We get to the end of the dock, and there’s a wall. But it’s open on both sides.

We decide to jump in. After landing in the water, I remember slipping and sliding on the water like I was a boat😂

Then suddenly, I’m back up on the dock. But it’s no longer a dock; it’s a big house. And I’m throwing a huge party.

I come in and ask, “Where’s my bottle of Hennessy?” Then I see some fat dude that I don’t even know chugging a bottle of Henny.

I get mad because I think it’s mine. Then my sister walks by and says (insert name of the girl in my last dream) has my bottle.

I was relieved😂

Then suddenly I’m watching the new Spider-Man movie with my co-worker. I start falling asleep. Eventually, I started dreaming in my dream about the alien symbiote trying to attach itself to my body.

Right towards the end of my dream, I see venoms face right in front of mine, and he says, “We’re not finished yet” (in the venom voice)

Then I hear “TIME TO WAKE UP” (again in venoms voice)

And then my alarm goes off.

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