Wanted, AM, Regen & Elixir

Journals - Major Programs
#70

October 20, 2021

Again a lot of introspection about my childhood. Especially in regards to relationships.

It got me bogged down for a bit. Everyone else seemed to have it so easily.

They were all confident, social, and had lots of friends. They all had better grades, better study habits, and higher status than me.

Most of these people were also on the rugby and hockey team, which led to even more feelings of inferiority because most were better than me.

What’s annoying is I was always considered one of them. I was good-looking (still am :wink:), Cool, athletic, funny. But as much as I was a part of their social circle, I never really felt like I was.

It’s like I was just tolerated. No one cared to invite me to things. Maybe a few people, but no one ever made it a point to invite me. It was like, “Mat’s coming. Okay, cool.”

Some people loved me, some hated me, some were indifferent.

I know it was because of my timidity and shyness. I was always afraid to be myself for whatever reason. I could always laugh at their jokes and make them feel good. But I could never be the centre of attention. I never had any great stories to make everyone laugh. I rarely had any witty comments or comebacks. There were times I spoke, and it was like I was invisible; no one even heard me speak.

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#71

October 24, 2021

Last night was chilling with my brother and my friend. And we got to talking about the past.

We talked a lot about me when I was younger. Around 2016-2017 I was super angry all the time.

Constantly fighting with my dad. And it wasn’t just fighting. It was full-blown screaming. Like to the point where I’d get so angry I’d get violent and break shit.

My brother and sister were afraid of me back then. There were times they thought I was going to hit them or something.

My mom even said that to me once. “You’re scary when you get really angry. I thought you were going to hit me”.

Of course, I never would. But that goes to show you how angry I was.

I don’t even remember why we argued so much.

I just watched this, and it perfectly described me. The first example particularly:

What’s ironic is I got it from my dad. And he got his anger from his dad. (Who was an alcoholic). He always argued with his dad. He was the rebel growing up. And his dad was a “scary angry drunk.”

I’m not an angry drunk or anything. But it’s strange to notice these kinds of similarities.

My parents constantly argued growing up. It was bad. But I was so used to it. I thought it was normal.
And in public, it was like a total 180. Nicest people in the world, everything looked fine on the surface.

I was always the mediator in the family. I was the nice one that made everyone feel heard and understood. I never took sides. My mom even once told me, “You keep this family together.”

Yes? But at what cost? Oh, I’ll tell you: My happiness, my mental health, my self-esteem, my confidence, my friendships—pretty much everything.

My upbringing was so toxic. I can’t believe i’m just realizing this now.

2 Likes
#72

Let’s switch things up, I wrote this last night after the gym.

October 23, 2021

WANTED

HOLY SHIT.

I just got out of the gym, and I’m FUCKING JACKED.

How is this even possible??? I drink vodka, stay out late on weekends and train hungover and despite that, my physique has never looked so good… and I’ve been back to training on weekends for only two weeks now.

My physique has never looked so proportionate. I got mad striations in my shoulders; they look bigger, biceps look full asf. Triceps are also looking DICED. Chest and back look incredible.

I’m actually in disbelief right now. Certainly, the fact that I’m taking multi and other supplements is helping. But my god, girls would be lucky to have this.

I’ll have to snap a pic in the future.

Another thing, I’ve been so hungry lately. I’m the smallest person in my family, yet I eat way more than everyone else. Even after dinner, sometimes I’ll sneak in some extra lunch meat or pasta.

Even last week, I was so thirsty. I thought I had a cold or something because, for a few days, my throat was so dry.

At work, I must’ve refilled my water bottle like six times instead of the normal 2-3 times.

I can’t believe how fast Wanted is working. Now, if only AM would catch up, then id be golden👌🏼

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#73

October 25, 2021

One of my sister’s friends made a shady comment towards me this past weekend.

“Just joking.”

Well, she wasn’t. It was kind of harsh what she said. It’s funny that when you’re down, everyone pretends to care. But once you’re back on your feet and starting to make moves, people want to belittle you.

It’s like do you want me to stay down forever? Does that make you feel good?

Like what is wrong with people…

I can even recall in grade 10, I was starting to work out. I had a great haircut, and I was beginning to get the attention of all the girls.

And it was precisely around this time, one of my “friends” started poking fun at me for my shortcomings.

“It’s okay; Mat’s just dumb.”
“Bro, why are you so lazy.”

I never tried in school, so as a result, my grades were always bad. I could never motivate myself to do homework. I was and still am a huge procrastinator.

So when he said stuff like that, and others laughed… well, it didn’t feel good.:disappointed:

And I would question myself. Maybe I am dumb? What’s wrong with me? Why is it that everyone else can study and focus? Why can’t I? Why does everyone have better grades than me?

Some friends. I could’ve made fun of him. I could’ve called him chubby, told him he’s a terrible athlete etc.

But why would I do that to a friend? Nobody’s perfect. So who am I to belittle someone on their shortcomings?

Being an empath is hard; people use you as a punching bag and then get mad when you finally hit back.

Also, I think this was part of the reason I got so mad and cut everyone off. I was tired of being the nice guy. Tired of being walked all over. I was tired of being made fun of.

So I denied the empath in me and turned into a selfish asshole. A total 180. It’s no wonder my behaviour put people off.

How do you go from nicest guy in the world, good looking, works out and eats healthy, tons of friends? To a selfish, angry loner, that smokes weed all the time, skips class, and has zero respect for his parents.

It’s uncomfortable, almost unfathomable now, but that was me.

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#74

It reminds me of something I wrote in my notes two years ago:

When you set out to make changes in your life, your identity will change.

How do people know you?

People have expectations of you, and if you are no longer fulfilling that expectation.

You have disrupted their sense of reality because you changed your identity.
When you break those expectations and make people feel inadequate, if you start making people question who you are, they’re not going to like it.

For example, when alcoholics quit drinking, they lose all their friends because the experience of sharing drinks surrounded all their relationship experiences.

Another example: When a man decides he wants to take charge and get in shape. This can go two ways.

  1. The wife is happy he is finally taking charge and taking care of his physical and mental health as they see him express more positive aggression and leadership.
  2. The nagging wife(who wears the pants) resents the man for taking charge. She doesn’t want to lose power/control or to feel inadequate compared to her husband. They are no longer that person she once knew.
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#75

“I’m sure to you it was a joke. I question the motives about your alleged sense of humor”

Ever read the book When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel Smith?

1 Like
#76

No I haven’t, I’ll check it out!

#77

October 26, 2021

Regen is kicking my ass right now

So many uncomfortable memories are popping up. Feelings of anger and depression are showing up.

It went away for a little bit and I was feeling really good. But now it’s back again

I thought about back to when I was going through cbt. And how my life felt like Groundhog Day.

Wake up at 9, eat breakfast, drink coffee, go on phone. Go to gym, come back home, Eat do dishes, eat dinner with parents, then relax and do it all again.

I wasn’t working, I was barely socializing, I wasn’t in school. That’s how bad my “anxiety was”

I don’t mean just anxiety, I was afraid of having another anxiety attack. Anxiety about having anxiety.

It felt like an invisible prison. Words can hardly describe how dreadful this was day to day.

When most people talk about their “anxiety” it’s almost offensive to me. Makes me want to slap them upside the head because I know what it actually feels like. It’s not something to wine about on social media, it’s not something you even want to talk about.

It’s like asking a WWII veteran to recount what he saw on the battle field. It’s not just uncomfortable, but it’s traumatic. (Certainly not to the same extent, but you get the point)

Words can’t paint this picture. But I’ll try my best to recount the story for this journal.

That’s coming up tomorrow.

Until then :v:t4:

3 Likes
#78

I sympathize. I ran Regeneration with pre-Q tech. It worked. I got results. However know that I’ve also listened to DR, I would choose DR over Regeneration.

I’m not saying you should drop Regeneration and go get DR, what I am saying is that having run both, I definitely prefer DR.

As for what is happening, it all happened to me. I think running Elixir helped me. If you have Sanguine, please consider that as well.

Now at some point, I would ask you to think about reading about DR.

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#79

Elixir as an addon will help out as an immediate solution. Regeneration seems to bring up trauma in waves, but something you can handle.

If you decide on Dragon later, see it as next level healing and prepare yourself because it is tough.

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#81

I will run DR, decided that a long time ago. It’s just a matter of when.

Regeneration is just a stepping stone.

I know it’s going to be hard, but quite honestly my life has been very hard for that last 3 years and I would do just about anything to fix it.

I want to get it over with, Im ready to move on with my life.

Regen is already guiding me towards other subs like StarkQ and QL and PS.

It’s showing me areas that need improvement. And while I’d love to run these subs ASAP. I know running DR will build a solid foundation from which I can truly flourish.

Honestly, I am a bit intimidated by DR as I’ve never ran a multi stage sub.

On top of that, I don’t want to drop Wanted or AM. But if I can run these with DR, I’m golden.

I’ll give Regen another month, and then I think I will begin my journey with DR.

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#82

Wanted + Dragon is too heavy and it won’t work fully since Dragon will take over the stack. A Regeneration is a better option.

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#83

Ah I see, too energy intensive I guess.

So would I be better off running DR as a stand-alone?

What if I wanted to stack it with something like daredevil or inner circle?

Getting better at social interactions is a huge part of healing for me, so would that compliment DR?

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#84

Dragon by itself is best, you can stack it with any other program as a deep cleanse journey, like @Simon suggested:

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#85

Thanks for the suggestions!

#89

I can relate to that. Sometimes I come across as too serious looking, or it’s just the other way around, and often that joy is not very grounded and hard to relate too.

What I do is heart based meditations and metta too soften it out. The heart has a huge energetic radius compared to the brain. When I’m feeling centered in my heart space people just naturally gravotates towards me.

When you’re too much in your head, you have guards up too, so people just mirror that.

Also Love Bomb Ultima is great for this too.

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#90

Update: so no one saw us making out.

But, she told my sister yesterday at school. Said she couldn’t hold it in any longer.

I was worried about her finding out; she hates when her friends hit on me.

But to my surprise… she seemed almost excited to tell me. She was all giggly and full of energy. She even whispered it to me at the dinner table in front of my mom😅

“You made out with “insert her name.”

I pretended like I didn’t remember. (Which is half true)

But I was so taken back by her reaction. I spent all day paranoid about anyone finding out. And to see my sister and brother laughing it off like it’s no big deal was relieving.

But damn, I know gonna get ripped to shreds by my friends for it this weekend :sweat_smile::skull:

3 Likes
#91

I feel like switching subs right now

It could be recon, idk. But I’m feeling depressed and lonely.

I look at my sibling and friends. And they all have so many friends. They’re all texting each other, snap chatting each other etc.

My phone? So dry. I text 1 or 2 people regularly.

The thing is, I used to be like them. I had so many friends, so many people that wanted to hang out with me back in my early days of high school. And now… almost nothing. It has been that way for three years.

I don’t even know how to make friends, honestly. I mean, I do, and I don’t m. Cold approaches scare the shit out of me; I don’t know what to say, I get all self-conscious and in my head. Most of the time, when I do talk with others, I rarely say much as I don’t have much to say. It’s like I’m too logical and analytical. It’s like I lose my sense of self and analyze them, and until I know who or what I’m dealing with, I can adapt to complement that person.

But this comes at the cost of my true personality, opinions, wants, and needs.
Everyone loves to talk to me because I can nod my head, laugh and give them approval all day. But when it’s my turn to talk… blank. Nothing to say; I don’t know what to say.

When I drink, that all goes away; I enjoy being the centre of attention; I enjoy leading conversations, making people laugh, poking fun at others etc.

So clearly, there are some limiting beliefs here.

Quite honestly, I fear the judgment of others and have an inferiority complex, So it’s no wonder I experience “social anxiety.”

I’m getting tired of living like this. I want to have lots of friends that love me, respect me and listen to me. I want to enjoy social interactions rather than view them as a constant source of stress and anxiety. I want to enjoy being the centre of attention instead of shying away from it.

I want to feel good In my skin wherever, whenever.

Been living this way for way too long, and it’s driving me nuts.

1 Like
#93

How long have you been running each subliminal on your playlist?

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#94

I’ve been running AM, Regeneration and Wanted since Late August (2 months). Elixir: A little over a month.