Vivir Mi Vida - Matalexander305

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#61

It’s dawned on me that I’m at a crossroads of sorts. An in between sort of phase. Between the man I was and the man I’m becoming. I’m not even entirely sure who that man is yet.

But I just look around at all the things which surround me, from clothes, to fragrances, jewelry, my car, the foods I eat, the drinks I drink, the content I consume, the thoughts I think, the actions I take, the people I talk to, the places I go.

Theirs a lot of newness contrasting with a lingering sense of oldness. Like my room is filled with clothes I no longer wear, 90% at least. I wear 10% of my clothes 100% of the time. So why don’t I get rid of them? What am I holding onto? Is this a subconscious way of holding onto the past? To comfort? To familiarity?

I guess what I’m getting at is, I think I’m holding onto the past too much. I’m LIVING too much in the past.

Here in front of me, I have a blank canvas, and I can paint how I want it. Yet time and time again, I paint the same picture with ever so tiny changes.

I’m so tired of this picture, I think it’s time to burn it up in flames

#62

A part of me really enjoys nostalgia. Lately I’ve been listening to all my old music playlists and I’ve been bombarded with so many memories and feelings.

Contrasting with the above post, I’ve really been enjoying this, even though nostalgia is technically living in the past. (a form of depression)

I’m just reminded of times where I was free from social anxiety, when I had tons of “friends”, when I was surrounded by girls who wanted me and actively pursued me.

God I had some great times. Though I shouldn’t forget the bad that’s came with it.

Maybe that’s my issue, I’m trying to avoid the “bad” that’s comes with the “good”. And by doing so, I’m avoiding the fun memorable moments I could be having.

#63

Ok so todays the day, khan st4 here go

We made it, finally :innocent:

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#64

First loop of st4 done.

Today my mind felt unstable, in the sense that I went from anxious to tired and anhedonic. Back and forth, back and fourth and back and fourth.

Hell I almost took a nap before training, instead I slapped myself in the face, got dressed, went to the gym and suddenly felt anxious asf.

How I go from almost falling asleep to borderline tweaking is beyond me. Didn’t even take pre workout either.

The anxiety I felt was strong, classic social anxiety. Thinking everyone’s judging me, secretly laughing at me etc. Idk why I fell for this stupid mental trap, I should be wise enough to know these feelings are total BS.

So from the corner of my eye, I saw a girl who I thought was someone I knew. (And this girl is drop dead gorgeous) And because I felt so insecure about myself, I kind of avoided looking in her direction.

Well, at the end of my workout. That girl walked by me and I realized it wasn’t who I thought it was… instead it was:

She never wears her hair down, and she was dressed in all black (like me) which is unusual for her. I can’t lie, I was kind of impressed. I thought “shit, she’s actually not that bad”

2 Likes
#65

I want to dig deeper into those anxious feelings. What causes them?

  • Potential triggers could’ve been too much caffeine earlier
  • Looking tired (meaning I didn’t look my best)
  • Being anxious about the fact that I’m anxious in the first place.

But let’s go deeper , why am I insecure about not looking my best? I know I take great pride in my looks, but is that all I feel I have to offer?

I know that when I’m in an anxious state, I’m awkward, I’m not witty, I stutter occasionally, I can’t think straight. Because of this self awareness, is it possible that I’m further avoiding social interactions to avoid being perceived in this manner? Yes

So it’s a status thing. I’m socially anxious. It’s better to be quiet and maintain my status though the halo effect versus open my mouth and lower my status by talking in this less than ideas anxious state.

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#66

Obviously lowering my caffeine intake could help tone down that fight or flight response. But it won’t cure this social anxiety. It’s just an amplifier.

And anytime I don’t drink enough caffeine, I’m extremely lazy, depressed, anhedonic, brain fogged etc. I was even this way before ever drinking coffee.

Not disciplined, not intrinsically motivated. Just always reliant on external forces to get me going.

I do wonder if I simply have a brain chemistry imbalance. I know I don’t have adhd, but what could I even do?

I already know everything about nootropics and vitamins. Some have helped, others only made things worse.

Idk what to do, but I do know this. I refuse to give up and let this crap ruin my life.

I’m in control, I will reign victorious. Fuck these stupid feelings, they don’t serve me

2 Likes
#67

I had an insight while training. I think I should try labeling my thoughts.

What I mean is asking myself, “Does this feeling it thought serve me? Would my ideal self think this thought? Or let this emotion control me? What would my best self do?

Is this thought/feeling serving the old me? Or the new me? In what direction is it pulling me?

I really think installing this frame of mind could really help me.

2 Likes
#68

We have probably spoken about this but I have perfect experience with the Ashwagandha pill.
When I take it I am more at ease in social situations and I do not mean just slightly, it is pretty significant for me.
Also if you think you have some kind of brain disbalance you can try QL st1 which is precisely for this. And also Sanguine Elixir popped into my head. Maybe you have some block in your body that has to be cleared.

1 Like
#69

Also about this, I have had a problem with this for my whole life, and with my stuttering, it is even worse.
For most of my adult life, I have tried many things to lower my anxiety with dozens of supplements.
And I have to tell you that for example Ashwagandha did not work for me in the past, had terrible brain fog from it.
But I do not know how, after I discovered SC, ran QL st1 or maybe from other programs like Spartan or who knows. Suddenly some supplements which did not work before suddenly work.
Maybe it is due to NMN which can somehow repair DNA who knows. But you have try many things to deal with this.

And I also can not drink coffee I am very anxious after that, but green tea is better and the best is white tea. When I need quick energy I go for green tea. When I just want a nice drink I go for white tea.

Also, you can try Rhodiola Rosea for better stress handling.

2 Likes
#70

Taken it many times, makes me super depressed and anhedonic. It’s just not worth it for me.

Absolutely, I’ll have to run it in the future.

Wow that’s wild

Thanks for the suggestions, cheers

1 Like
#71

Also, the same situation as with Ashwagandha happened to me with Rhodiola and TMG. In my past from Rhodiola, I was too excited to even from a low dosage like 100mg, and from TMG I had headaches.
Right now from Rhodiola 100mg I feel almost nothing, need to take 400mg to have more energy.
And thanks to TMG I get methyl donors and also my sleep is better.
It is honestly a mystery to me but the explanation could be that some SC subs help to somehow optimize my inner biological system or NMN.
This NMN is kinda a supplement of the future, you can research that but you are a young guy and this stuff is more for much older guys but who knows what it can do to a body?

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#72

Yes, kinda the same feelings I got from it in my past. Nowadays I do not have those.

1 Like
#73

Another food for thought.
Maybe it is not a direct imbalance in the brain but maybe in thyroid hormones, production of T3 or T4. I also like I mentioned did my share with Spartan and also with Emperor Fitness 1,2,3 stages. So they could also optimize my inner doings.

Or you could just go with Paragon and consciously guide it to heal things out also with Sanguine Elixir.

EDIT: Also you can make a custom with those repairing modules like Endocrine system, SPS: Nervous System, Asclepius, etc. I had them in many of my customs.
And probably thanks to this module Fusion Optimized I was guided to find my go-to supplements.

1 Like
#74

:ok_hand:t3::ok_hand:t3::ok_hand:t3:

1 Like
#75

Reading a lot of your posts it does come across as ADHD. Doesn’t mean it is. But how far back does this behavior go?

On the flip side you could be dealing with chronic stress and that’s where the lazy anhedonic feelings come from. The coffee overrides it temporarily.

1 Like
#76

I’ve been tested for it, I don’t have it.

How far back? Very far. I never did homework when I was a kid unless I was forced to. Always handed in projects late, got bad grades cause I didn’t care about the subject at hand.

1 Like
#77

I’m becoming very quickly becoming interested in wealth acquisition.

I’m thinking of getting a second job or something. Maybe even switching my current job for something that pays better.

If I’m gonna sit around and waste my free time, I may as well use it to make more money.

1 Like
#78

I’m bored, so I’m gonna post random rough drafts of customs I want to run.

I know I want to make one, maybe even two… but I can’t decide what I want. I want to make a Khan /Wanted custom, but do I want to go full focus on seduction? Do I want to take a more balanced approach with this and add productivity, wealth and seduction modules?

What about a Daredevil, LBFH and Inner circle custom? This would skyrocket my social life which seems to be a major pain point for me right now. I could run that with some variation of a khan Wanted custom and use it as a result amplifier type of thing.

Heck I also want to run CWON this summer for the good vibes it brings. I feel like this would be amazing in a custom with LBFH.

Anyways, I have no clue what I want to do yet. So I’ll just randomly post rough drafts I whipped up.

Feel free to tell me what you think

1 Like
#79

Daredevil Rough draft #1
Daredevil
LBFH
Inner circle
Mosaic
Joie de vivre

Carpe diem Ascended
Divine self image
Emotions unfettered
Remembrance
Plateau Transcendent

Gloryseeker
Dragons tongue
Song of joy
Story teller
Furious ascent

Psyche restoration
Psyche augmentation
Subconscious flow
Jupiter
Void of creation

1 Like
#80

Khan Rough draft #1
Khan st4
Wanted
Ascension chamber core
Alpha of alpha
Dominion

Lion IV
Iron frame
Manipulus
Fearsome
Lifeblood fable

Aura of craving
Chosen of Venus
Transcendental connection
Ethereal presence
Entranced

Focused arousal
Temptation
Instant spark
Charisma and flirting mentor and improver
Panther