Vibes + Seductress + DR: Regen

Journals - Major Programs
#102

I want to be hot, healthy, and HAVE FUN goddamnit. Told myself I’m having a hot girl summer this year. New stack is

Paragon
Summertime
Seductress

Paragon gets run on its own days. I told myself only 2 titles max but I just couldn’t resist running summertime. It hits on so many things I’ve been cultivating within myself. Which seems ironic given this title is less about doing any more “work”. My biggest blocks have always been just having trouble being. I’ve untangled that web and I still am and I can analyze everything that went wrong forever and ever, but all that matters is now. Even in the now I don’t explore enough, I don’t express enough, I don’t adventure enough.

Especially this past year has been really rough for me. I’ve just been so focused on how to survive and prevent my life from getting worse. It didn’t help. I needed the opposite, to just be in the moment and make the most of everything and be more of myself. I’m looking forward to summertime because it’s like the exact opposite of what I was doing but it’s also what I needed the most.

4 Likes
#103

Ok summertime and seductress is bomb.

I’ve actually had a lot of difficulty with running seductress because it’s intimidating. It tends to immediately trigger my “I’m so far behind, I’ll never be the attractive strong woman I want to be”

But today I looked in the mirror and I was like ok there’s still growth to be had but what do you have NOW you can appreciate? And instead of that appreciation and acceptance being like “well this is all you get” I felt deep down there was more to come and something even better. Instead of fighting pain I can look forward to future comfort and ease in my body.

There’s also some melancholy here too. I have fond memories with friends in the past, but it was only a part of me. It hit me that I haven’t truly built up a lot of positive life experiences yet as myself.

But most of all it’s like I’m in the moment and I was able to see all the hard work and love towards myself I’ve put in to give myself the chance to be myself. I don’t acknowledge that enough

7 Likes
#104

I feel like I’m getting a lot of deep insights.

I kept telling myself I was ugly as a sort of beat them to the punch thing. Cuz hey, if I already knew I was ugly there’s no letdown from actually feeling I’m beautiful and then that blowing up.

That’s a really common trend in my life. Internalize the painful stuff so I’m ready to deal with pain from others. Being prepared for pain by self inflicting pain. It’s a rough way to live.

I feel like I can start to let go of that now and welcome the more positive stuff into my life

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#105

I’ve started reintroducing food I struggle with into my diet again. Moving out of this restrictive mindset. Now I’m not saying I imagined my symptoms, but I did subconsciously send the message to my body that these things are bad for me. One by one foods were eliminated until I barely could eat anything, in hindsight I do think this was a manifestation of self harm. When I was younger whenever I couldn’t achieve something or I wasn’t doing well mentally I’d withold food from myself as punishment.

And me with self harm. Well self harm feels like a weakness so in and of itself it routinely got masked or obscured by my mind. It can show itself in more clever ways.

I realized the other day after grocery shopping and buying some tasty snacks and being excited to eat them I felt guilty. Like I shouldn’t be getting joy out of food. Prior to recently I honestly didn’t think I had an eating disorder. Definitely paragon bringing about this awareness more.

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#106

“You’re wasting time, you’re wasting time, you’re wasting time” That’s the voice in my head.

There’s this fear that what if finding peace and happiness in the moment without striving for goals makes me complacent? What if what’s keeping me from happiness has been me convincing myself happiness is bad for growth?

I’m starting to feel like it was all a scam and I bought into it. Don’t enjoy what you have, be something better, strive for great things. For what? To be respected, admired, different? Having a career never appealed to me but everyone swore up and down that’s the key to life.

No it needs to be on my terms. And maybe I don’t need a lot. Maybe I don’t need everything that society pushes you towards. I wonder how can anyone be happy being caught up in something like this with overwhelming pressure to be anyone but yourself? Or maybe that’s just me with my shaky development and projection and some people live like this already.

5 Likes
#107

I’ve been feeling more confident lately. Walking taller and more gracefully.

I’m pretty sure I put out an aura that I’m not even conscious of. I’ve had moments at my job where I’m walking in the hall and relax a bit and unwind and someone looks back at me. When I relax I feel like my field of energy gets bigger, but then people notice me and I contract again.

Still trying to figure out how to expand my energy and take up space without getting self conscious. Cuz I’m in this world too and I can choose to go through it as a baddie.

Maybe summertime can help me with this.

7 Likes
#108

What have you been listening to for the most recent 21 days?

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#109

Seductress, paragon, and summertime. I think summertime has been helping a lot

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#110

My finances have been wrecked by :sparkles: ME :sparkles: lately.

It’s just small things like snacks,coffees, little treats. They all add up. I have to get back to my budgeting. But I don’t want to do anxiety budgeting again, that sucked. Anxiety budgeting is me hoarding away money because I’m terrified of everything collapsing in my life and needing that cushion.

Tbh I’ve given up on this game here in the US. I’m just living my life, I’m not bothering to save any more money beyond what I already put away. It doesn’t matter. Is it responsible? Mehhhh. Probably not, I just don’t care anymore. I could die next month. Is it really that much better to put away another 100 for some distant future vs the cute clothes I’d feel good in every day?

Besides, this country has shown me you can do everything right and still be fucked over. It’s an illusion of being on top of things or building to something when a bunch of arrogant decisions are made by powerful people and then they gaslight you about it. No thanks.

This isn’t me being a victim. If anything I find it empowering because I’m breaking away from the conditioned do this or that nonsense and finding out things for myself that are important for my own life. I’ll be damned if anyone else tells me what I need.

4 Likes
#111

The cage I’ve built myself composed of shoulds, don’t do that, don’t do this, do this. Exhausting. And for what? At the end of the day I feel more lonely because I’m not being myself and the very fear of being rejected basically manifests already because I reject myself and showing up as that person around others.

I’ve always been a little odd or off or eccentric to others, underlying all that was a desire to fit in. But WHO CARES. I still don’t fit in trying so literally whats the point? It’s just more wasted energy.

Maybe not much has worked out for me because I’ve never given myself a chance to see where my place is in the world, without all the stupid bullshit expectations placed on me. And I hold A LOT of resentment for those expectations because those are the ones that stopped me from experiencing life as myself fully.

I’m here now. How much more time am I gonna waste being too afraid to be myself?

2 Likes