Vibes + Seductress + DR: Regen

Journals - Major Programs
#102

I want to be hot, healthy, and HAVE FUN goddamnit. Told myself I’m having a hot girl summer this year. New stack is

Paragon
Summertime
Seductress

Paragon gets run on its own days. I told myself only 2 titles max but I just couldn’t resist running summertime. It hits on so many things I’ve been cultivating within myself. Which seems ironic given this title is less about doing any more “work”. My biggest blocks have always been just having trouble being. I’ve untangled that web and I still am and I can analyze everything that went wrong forever and ever, but all that matters is now. Even in the now I don’t explore enough, I don’t express enough, I don’t adventure enough.

Especially this past year has been really rough for me. I’ve just been so focused on how to survive and prevent my life from getting worse. It didn’t help. I needed the opposite, to just be in the moment and make the most of everything and be more of myself. I’m looking forward to summertime because it’s like the exact opposite of what I was doing but it’s also what I needed the most.

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#103

Ok summertime and seductress is bomb.

I’ve actually had a lot of difficulty with running seductress because it’s intimidating. It tends to immediately trigger my “I’m so far behind, I’ll never be the attractive strong woman I want to be”

But today I looked in the mirror and I was like ok there’s still growth to be had but what do you have NOW you can appreciate? And instead of that appreciation and acceptance being like “well this is all you get” I felt deep down there was more to come and something even better. Instead of fighting pain I can look forward to future comfort and ease in my body.

There’s also some melancholy here too. I have fond memories with friends in the past, but it was only a part of me. It hit me that I haven’t truly built up a lot of positive life experiences yet as myself.

But most of all it’s like I’m in the moment and I was able to see all the hard work and love towards myself I’ve put in to give myself the chance to be myself. I don’t acknowledge that enough

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#104

I feel like I’m getting a lot of deep insights.

I kept telling myself I was ugly as a sort of beat them to the punch thing. Cuz hey, if I already knew I was ugly there’s no letdown from actually feeling I’m beautiful and then that blowing up.

That’s a really common trend in my life. Internalize the painful stuff so I’m ready to deal with pain from others. Being prepared for pain by self inflicting pain. It’s a rough way to live.

I feel like I can start to let go of that now and welcome the more positive stuff into my life

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#105

I’ve started reintroducing food I struggle with into my diet again. Moving out of this restrictive mindset. Now I’m not saying I imagined my symptoms, but I did subconsciously send the message to my body that these things are bad for me. One by one foods were eliminated until I barely could eat anything, in hindsight I do think this was a manifestation of self harm. When I was younger whenever I couldn’t achieve something or I wasn’t doing well mentally I’d withold food from myself as punishment.

And me with self harm. Well self harm feels like a weakness so in and of itself it routinely got masked or obscured by my mind. It can show itself in more clever ways.

I realized the other day after grocery shopping and buying some tasty snacks and being excited to eat them I felt guilty. Like I shouldn’t be getting joy out of food. Prior to recently I honestly didn’t think I had an eating disorder. Definitely paragon bringing about this awareness more.

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#106

“You’re wasting time, you’re wasting time, you’re wasting time” That’s the voice in my head.

There’s this fear that what if finding peace and happiness in the moment without striving for goals makes me complacent? What if what’s keeping me from happiness has been me convincing myself happiness is bad for growth?

I’m starting to feel like it was all a scam and I bought into it. Don’t enjoy what you have, be something better, strive for great things. For what? To be respected, admired, different? Having a career never appealed to me but everyone swore up and down that’s the key to life.

No it needs to be on my terms. And maybe I don’t need a lot. Maybe I don’t need everything that society pushes you towards. I wonder how can anyone be happy being caught up in something like this with overwhelming pressure to be anyone but yourself? Or maybe that’s just me with my shaky development and projection and some people live like this already.

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#107

I’ve been feeling more confident lately. Walking taller and more gracefully.

I’m pretty sure I put out an aura that I’m not even conscious of. I’ve had moments at my job where I’m walking in the hall and relax a bit and unwind and someone looks back at me. When I relax I feel like my field of energy gets bigger, but then people notice me and I contract again.

Still trying to figure out how to expand my energy and take up space without getting self conscious. Cuz I’m in this world too and I can choose to go through it as a baddie.

Maybe summertime can help me with this.

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#108

What have you been listening to for the most recent 21 days?

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#109

Seductress, paragon, and summertime. I think summertime has been helping a lot

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#110

My finances have been wrecked by :sparkles: ME :sparkles: lately.

It’s just small things like snacks,coffees, little treats. They all add up. I have to get back to my budgeting. But I don’t want to do anxiety budgeting again, that sucked. Anxiety budgeting is me hoarding away money because I’m terrified of everything collapsing in my life and needing that cushion.

Tbh I’ve given up on this game here in the US. I’m just living my life, I’m not bothering to save any more money beyond what I already put away. It doesn’t matter. Is it responsible? Mehhhh. Probably not, I just don’t care anymore. I could die next month. Is it really that much better to put away another 100 for some distant future vs the cute clothes I’d feel good in every day?

Besides, this country has shown me you can do everything right and still be fucked over. It’s an illusion of being on top of things or building to something when a bunch of arrogant decisions are made by powerful people and then they gaslight you about it. No thanks.

This isn’t me being a victim. If anything I find it empowering because I’m breaking away from the conditioned do this or that nonsense and finding out things for myself that are important for my own life. I’ll be damned if anyone else tells me what I need.

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#111

The cage I’ve built myself composed of shoulds, don’t do that, don’t do this, do this. Exhausting. And for what? At the end of the day I feel more lonely because I’m not being myself and the very fear of being rejected basically manifests already because I reject myself and showing up as that person around others.

I’ve always been a little odd or off or eccentric to others, underlying all that was a desire to fit in. But WHO CARES. I still don’t fit in trying so literally whats the point? It’s just more wasted energy.

Maybe not much has worked out for me because I’ve never given myself a chance to see where my place is in the world, without all the stupid bullshit expectations placed on me. And I hold A LOT of resentment for those expectations because those are the ones that stopped me from experiencing life as myself fully.

I’m here now. How much more time am I gonna waste being too afraid to be myself?

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#112

I know summertime is a social sub but I’m noticing I’m actually less social. Or rather I don’t feel obligated to do socializing. It’s more like I’m recalibrating how to interact with others putting my own comfort first. When I do socialize I notice it’s more fun because I did it on my terms and it flows better.

But it’s kinda rough right now because I feel like I’m gonna be perceived as aloof. But I don’t want to feel like I should be more social, I just want it to flow, otherwise it’s just a performance for the sake of someone else.

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#113

Reading up on human design again.

Some of the principles of it. Deconditioning, following my body feelings to make decisions, waiting and letting things come to me, saying no to things I don’t want to do, planning less and experiencing more.

These are all things I’ve been attempting to cultivate. Maybe I should double down and really dig into my chart.

The thing is for me everything feels wrong. There’s a tension when I do things, it almost feels like I’m forcing my body against its will just to maintain a routine. It feels like my optimal way of moving through the world is clouded by a metric fuck ton of societal bullshit I’ve internalized.

I walked into work today and I was like " I don’t like it here, I’m not staying" and that was that. So now I’m opening up to a new possibility. None of that “oh it’s not that bad you can make it work” type think. What does my body say? It says NO. And that should be enough.

If I could just carry that clear focus with everything in my life and just live from it fearlessly I feel like my life would feel a lot lighter.

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#114

Update on the paragon side of things. I’ve started eating gluten, dairy, and oats again. Oats were rough, so I’ve been soaking them overnight in apple cider vinegar. While I still don’t feel great eating these things, I’m also not getting the huge polarizing swing I had before. It’s hard for me because this isn’t unhealthy food, but in my mind I really started holding that belief that these things aren’t good for me and the subsequent anxiety of eating them.

I don’t know if I’m feeling better or normalizing the discomfort of eating it again. But I can say that my quest for perfect comfort by eliminating foods quickly turned into a dark spiral. I was chasing a fantasy and the food restriction got worse and worse until I stopped wanting to eat. I forced myself to for health reasons but that got stressful. Now though I look forward to food, honestly maybe with the inclusion of summertime I find joy in the little moments of getting something I really want.

So overall it seems like things are a little better.

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#115

Dragon Reborn really helped me clear away societal bullshit. What all have you found helps you clear it out?

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#116

Staying consistent with my stack lol

But my actual answer is that I haven’t found anything that helps clear it out. I don’t even think it’s possible and I’ve tried for many many years. What seems to work is focusing on self expression and listening to myself more and letting that overwrite the noise.

I think the problem for me is there’s nothing to go back or return to. So clearing things out just results in excess ruminating

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#117

I have had so many men message me on these dating apps.

I’ve been through like 2 of them so far. One was a guy saying we had so much in common but all he had was hookups for what he was looking for. Yes sooooo much in common 😮‍💨. I know their game, they think they can just push the right buttons and sex happens.

I’m not against hookups and casual sex if that’s what you want. But I get irritated when there’s a clear mismatch and they try anyway.

I’m also doing my best to learn to say no. Whether that be looks, personality, interests, etc. Learn to do that and not feel bad about not giving someone a chance. I’m not even talking to them just literally swiping on an app, but it feels dehumanizing. But I just know forcing myself to date someone I didn’t feel interested in would be a trainwreck. I know this is partially my empathy and partially my conditioned response of putting my needs below others and partially internalized misogyny. Lots to unpack, a lot is purely subconscious.

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#118

I was listening to Bat For Lashes the other day. She is an amazing musician. I started getting sad though. The expression, the ability to put together such cohesive and thematically rich music, I want that. I started to cry because it feels like this is the thing I want the most and I’m just not able to do it and life feels so difficult and draining right now.

And I don’t want to grind. I don’t want to monetize it, get famous, be well known. I don’t even care about that. I just want more time, freedom, and ability to play and execute ideas without worry.

In my heart I know I’m a musician. That’s where I’m most happy. Unfortunately I got dropped in a capitalistic hellscape where money is both the reason and outcome of literally everything.

It’s not even about grand visions and goals anymore to me. Making a “career”. OMG I’m so tired of this shit. I just want to exist and have energy to enjoy the things that bring me fulfillment but even that seems like too big of an ask.

This was a vent post. But I’m turning over a new leaf. I’m feeling like I can do more with my life on my terms lately. Building something for myself vs getting sucked into propoganda. It’s become blatantly obvious here in the US that they don’t want this, they want us in debt, to feed the economy with our overextended labor, to be good little cattle and produce more children for their conveyor belt of misery. I won’t be part of that. Fuck them.

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#119

Thanks for the music idea:

It reminded me of other music videos where they use contact improv type dancing:

I sympathize. These songs help give me perspective:

I think the Bowling for Soup song is more straightforward, so I was trying to summarize who the cool kids are, but I think ChatGPT did it best, pulling out universal themes:

These lyrics aren’t just about popularity—they’re about:

  • The pressure to conform
  • The gap between appearance and reality
  • The shared human experience of insecurity

The message is almost paradoxical:
Everyone wants to be a “cool kid,” but no one fully feels like one.

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#120

I see what you mean about the choreography. It’s interesting how similar movements can entirely change context based on the music too. That’s one of my favorite bat for lashes song too.

I love that echosmith song. I listen to it every now and again when I’m feeling down.

I’ve always struggled with the gap between understanding all this and living it. I can see if I just went my own way and be my own person my life would be easier. There’s just something very habitual that drags me back into old ways.

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#121

I’m up to 30s on my subs now. Kinda rough.

With seductress I went through a day or two of feeling incredibly ugly and unwanted. I’ve put a lot of effort into my appearance but some days my physical markers of male puberty are like a swift kick to my gut. And then having to show up at work, get misgendered on the phone because my voice still isn’t good enough, I’ve fucking had it.

Soooo combined with Summertime I’ve slowed down at work. I don’t rush to provide customer care because this company has shown me they just expect my team to clean up their messes and make them look good. I don’t worry about a backlog because they don’t have enough people. I don’t worry about my qms and kpis because unless they really want to fire me, it’s just some lame attempt at controlling my productivity.

Once all the recon passed I looked at myself in the mirror and felt good again. But I’m sure that’ll change. Pictures, reflections, all kinda one dimensional views of myself. I’m terrified how I look to others.

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