Its that part life that just is. It will never go fully away. Everyone feels really ugly on certain days no matter how sexy or pretty they are. That´s like universal recon haha. Some have it more often than others though. Feel you on that.
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Beauty recon is roughhhhhh
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It has passed. But now I’m listening to seductress again today so we’ll see.
Been feeling “in” my body more lately. Which is a foreign concept to me. It’s only when I started transitioning and started getting closer to how I want to look I realized the abrasiveness of being forced to look at a body every day that’s wrong.
It’s been a heavy thing. I can’t talk myself out of, use positivity, I just have to sit with it. And I did and it hurt a lot. I also realized I’m a unique human being. I was holding myself to standards of being born with the right body which I clearly wasn’t. I’m letting that go and just embracing who I am right now. It’s still a struggle but it’s a lot better focusing on what I appreciate about myself vs dwelling over what I don’t have.
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The funny thing about life to me, I get older, have experiences, and then learn those experiences were in a certain mindset and are a experience not the experience. So what does that mean?
I was raised to expect constants. Do this get x y and z. Life doesn’t work like that. For me there is no substitute for intuition. I can’t give you the facts or why, but I know my intuition and gut sense is more likely to land me in a better outcome than trying to formulate some plan.
All my life has been plan for this, plan for that. Not once, not fucking once has that worked in my favor. I’m over it. If it works for others cool, it doesn’t for me. I don’t understand how or why but my life gains momentum when I stop and observe my feelings and follow a chain of events that lead me to better outcomes. I can’t predict them, don’t know when they are coming, what it’ll be or who it’ll be.
Something I was thinking about the other day. A lot of people think insects don’t have consciousness. Like ants. People say they’re drone like, workers, and travel in lines and formation. Lmao, seems familiar no? Look at all the cars in traffic, people coming and going, stuck in routines that keep them alive but not always exercising free will. People argue consciousness is what sets us apart but how many people really are conscious? If you zoom out on the human race we’re ants too.
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New plan of action
Paragon sleep, seductress, and summertime.
Paragon sleep isn’t as seemingly productive as paragon as far as healing my health goes but I think that points to even more of a reason I need to use it. Rest. My therapist says I need to rest more, I need to stop telling myself rest gets in the way, I need to build a better relationship with rest. And sleep is the ultimate rest.
I quit caffeine and coffee during my work week. I only have it as a treat on the weekends now when I can enjoy it. I realized I was falling back into the habit of overriding what I could give for fear of consequences at my job.
Paragon sleep and summertime are REALLY important for me. This is the real foundational stuff, before I even get into societal things or the nuances of life.
The more I start actually regulating my nervous system, the more I realize how sideways things really went in my life. I really did not learn how to do any of this from a young age and I realize what a tailspin that put on my life. But I’m prioritizing it now. The problem is society really doesn’t like that, but I’m learning to enforce my boundaries for the sake of my own health even if others think it’s exaggerated. I don’t care anymore.
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Summertime and paragon sleep is good, but it’s been rough. I realized this bracing all my life is just trying to hold back everything from my past.
I have selective amnesia about my childhood. I think made worse by the fact I deal with my gender struggles. It broke my mind in a way. I don’t see the past as real a lot of the time, the only way I can understand what childhood was like is watching home movies and having that surface memories.
I honestly had expectations for summertime to be a fun present focused adventure, getting on with my life. But it’s making me so present I’m feeling like it’s opened space for the real stuff to come up. And it has me confronting a lot.
I stopped trying to control the process. I stopped asking myself if I was making everything up going on in my head right now. I’m just opening up to what unfolds.
Part of this unfolding is realizing I’m not gonna heal then form relationships. It’s never gonna happen. Instead I have to find people who love and support me for who I am and the unique struggles I face. Instead of trying to make myself good enough for others, I need to find others who are good enough for me. I hate the stigma around individuals who have had a rough life and how difficult they can be, like sorry I didn’t control this and I’m doing the best I can now. It’s hard enough living out here, I don’t need the additional pressure of being some perfectly healthy individual just because my way of relating is a little more cautious and reserved.
Honestly I’m running seductress for the physical shifting and embodying something powerful for myself. Do I want to date and attract others? Yes I do. But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a major pain point. Especially with men. This part of the scripting (if it’s there at all) is def fucking me up lately. I’ve seen how I land in patterns out of familiarity, I don’t want that to happen with a man. At the same time if I’m hyper vigilant all the time it’s gonna be harder to let any of them into my life. Everyone in my life is like “oh that won’t happen you are aware, you know better”. But do I really on a subconscious level? Or am I gonna blow right past all the red flags, ughhhh.
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Lately been feeling like… I deserve better. For no other reason than my standards aren’t being met. Especially with jobs. I feel like people are always like “you have to be more flexible and realistic”. Maybe that’s the problem, maybe I’ve been too flexible and not strict enough with who I allow into my life. I decided moving forward I ask myself what a company brings to the table. How do THEY benefit my life? Yes I’m gonna be selfish. Yes I’m gonna be a bit of a diva. That goes for anyone, why are you good enough for me? I’m done doing this wishy washy down to earth routine that has me feeling like I’m not the most important thing in my life.
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Doing a little wishy washy since yesterday. Gonna take some break from the subs and reassess my plan. I’m probably gonna build a HoT name embed for myself today.
I’ve been running seductress in some form for close to a year now consistently. Older title and newer one. Maybe it needs to bloom a bit.
I bought some new clothes yesterday. Thrifting so I got a bunch of stuff for cheap. But I also went to a second store and tried stuff on in the mirror. Was really upset with my body. It made me realize how much of my quality of life is suffering underneath due to the little things that stack up and hurt me.
I can look pretty good with the right clothes, but it gets exhausting getting really excited to wear something and then realizing it just doesn’t work. I end up in this hamster wheel of thinking I just need the right clothes and if I do this or that it’ll all work. I’m slowly realizing my difficulty is with my body, not the clothing. I’ve been in this cycle of not updating my own personal style because the exploration is like walking through a minefield.
I’ve been thinking about money, careers, dating, music. All this stuff and you know I didn’t stop to address the fact that maybe my foundation is my physical body. I’ve been holding myself to body positivity standards again that are designed around cis individuals. I can’t just think the right thoughts and feel better. I can’t just appreciate what I have. I’ve most definitely stopped feeling so horribly ugly. But that’s the bare minimum. I deserve to be able to look at myself in the mirror and feel comfortable, to have peace.
This is my biggest neglect wound. I told myself it’s not a big deal growing up. I said I just needed to get used to it. That’s what life is. Maybe it’s time I put focus on it and really start healing through self care and giving myself what I need 
. I keep thinking it’s vanity to pursue this but maybe that’s the echoes of the criticisms of others I’ve encountered through life.
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Please remember that women (CIS and Trans) come in all shapes and sizes. There isn’t a particular sterotype shape that we all must have. Having said that, most women are unhappy with their bodies because they don’t look like the Holliwood/Insta stars that have had a lot of plastic surgery plus AI modifications that make them look better. Those looks are unattainable because they are fake. I am not saying that you should stop trying to improve yourself but perhaps you should also work on your self esteem?
In anycase, I hope that you can get what you are looking for with your HOT custom.
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Self esteem is important you’re absolutely right. It only goes so far though. That’s where I’m at right now. I have remnants of a physical body that caused me a lot of trauma, it’s not entirely based in body insecurity. Although yeah there’s definitely some of that too and separating them can be difficult.
But yeah that’s the struggle. Trying to figure out how to feel better.
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Thinking some more I’m gonna stay on seductress. I just got motivation to leave my job, I’m building more self worth, I’m breaking free of bullshit. I don’t want to stop this momentum when I just started making a major change in myself. And typical of my brand of recon, thinking I need to address something else when the thing I’m addressing now is moving.
I’m changing, I’m breaking free of old ways, it’s shaking up my internal system. But it needs to happen, I can’t keep accepting subpar treatment from life.
I know seductress has plenty of scripting for self image too, maybe that’s why all this is coming up now and I’m working through it still. I haven’t reconciled what it means to be confident as I am in the current body I have. I don’t want to wait anymore to live my life and enjoy who I am, I’ve done enough waiting.
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Yeah guess my stack is getting broken. Once my washout is done I’m doing stabilizer and paragon sleep.
It’s really hard to just set aside the forward momentum for a bit but I’ve been here before. I push and push, absolutely convinced around the corner is breakthrough. Nope just burnout and overwhelm.
My challenge is I always feel like I’m losing time. I’ve lost so much time. I don’t want to build, I don’t want to heal, I just want to live my life. But I know I self sabotage a lot, I know people take advantage of me, I know I don’t have strong boundaries, I know deep down I’m uncomfortable with peace and comfort. It all hurts so much more because I sink so much time and effort just to be ok and I want life to be more than ok for me.
So focusing on the mundane and rest it is.
I’m looking forward to running the stabilizer, cuz I’m not stable lol.
My place has been a mess, I’m stuck at a job I hate thats grinding away at my mental health, financially speaking I’m just treading water, and relationship wise… Well it could all be much much better.
Something that really annoys me. I feel like I don’t have free will. I know I have free will but I can’t exercise it. So life turns into this prison where I make these little small choices that don’t add up to anything. They are just choices within the confines of something I don’t want to be a part of. Like right now at my job I can feel the subtle pressure of the organization trying to absorb me and make me feel in some way responsible and representative of them. Meanwhile they don’t really offer me much in return so I have no desire to. This is gonna cause friction down the line so I need to get out before it blows up.
I don’t know how anyone does this. Out of necessity ? Conditioning? What idk. But I woke up the other day to it all and decided this can’t be my life. It’s going to drive me fucking insane. I think back on my life and ask myself what decisions have I made that were MY decisions? Barely any and I can’t keep that pattern going.
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Last time I checked in here I believe you were using regeneration. Any reason why you stopped?Thinking of trying it myself
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No real solid reason, just intuition. Having said that I’m stepping away from these subs for a bit to explore different avenues of growth.
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Oh ok. Wishing you good luck
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Good luck, I hope whatever you choose works for you.
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Thanks!
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