Vibes + Seductress + DR: Regen

Journals - Major Programs
#82

My true goal with seductress is to both build my internal power and get to a point where my life stabilizes and I can help others.

I’ve had two therapists now who have advised I become more of an activist. I sometimes get hints like that in life, little outward nudges that says I need to reevaluate my path.

The goals of seductress are more than seduction for me. It’s about feminine power. Taking the thing that women are most judged for (physical appearance, sexuality, femininity) and flipping it on its head and using it as a tool to get what I need so I get others what they need. I’m not engaging in the male gaze for validation, but for my own benefit. If the structures of society are so deeply interwoven that those who are more attractive and charming move to the top then I’m willing to cultivate that through these subs. It’s hard to disentangle and rewrite how women are viewed in society when so many individuals are unwilling to change. After a while I realized there are some things that will never change until OTHER people pick up the baton and do their own heavy lifting and that’s not my responsibility.

But I do want romance and connections as well. I’m just shifting from heavy validation seeking. No good can come of that. Men who take advantage, are abusive, know how to exploit that. No this is about who fits in my world, who’s good enough for me. I have to admit I’m still purging the manosphere bullshit that’s entered my consciousness from needy and aggressive dudes that would rather blame someone else than take responsibility for why women have no interest in them. It makes me feel guilty for being picky and prioritizing my safety. But I’m not gonna be coerced by that emotional blackmail.

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#83

I’ve noticed I’ve become kind of careless with my spending and budgeting. I can’t tell if this is a good thing or bad thing. For one, I’m not paycheck to paycheck so I do have a little breathing room. I’ve had a very scarcity based mentality around money, trying to hold onto it for safety, but in the end that does nothing. Honestly I’ve just been kind of in a fuck it mood, the future is uncertain I might as well invest in myself. Some things I’ve done for myself recently.

1 Bought a nice razor for myself that uses disposable blades. For an easier time shaving my legs, cuz fuck it I deserve it
2. Got my eyebrows threaded
3. Got my hair styled and cut
4. Today I bought a custom created leather bound journal on etsy. On the concept of energy exchange if you believe in ritualistic magic and stuff. I pay more for energy and attention to go into it which will circle back to me. Sure I could have picked up any old lame composition notebook from a store for $1. But it wouldn’t have the same impact
5. Bought a nice multi color pen for journaling. The different colors will represent different parts communicating.
6. Bought some pumpkin seed oil capsules which I started taking to help regrow my hair
7. Started looking into a new provider for my transition related care that will actually help me guarantee an outcome that will improve my quality of life. Trans healthcare is abysmal. For something so important to my well being, some people will just never understand. I realized the other day I’ve been abandoning my own needs, very real needs that I’ve been made to feel are optional or excessive.
8. I’m going to start thrifting more and shopping on depop to find clothes I really like

Raikov is still flying under the radar in terms of how it’s going to manifest for me. I’m thinking about diving into a song a week as a goal. Going completely on instinct and seeing what emerges. Try to tap into the raw expressiveness of music. I was listening to some punk music the other day and noticed myself connecting more with how they played vs what they played.

I’ll be honest though, my biggest struggle right now is stuff feels really fucked in my life and it’s hard to commit time and attention to my needs even though that’s what’s needed the most right now. It’s like a hopelessness of why bother? I just have to slave away at a job I hate, with people who exploit me for a borderline unlivable wage due to housing/rental costs, and then I have to listen to a bunch of people tell me I need to invest in my skills or go back to school or do something to make more money. I’M TIRED. I’m tired of this shit and this hamster wheel game and throwing my time and energy into a system that offers me abuse in return. There’s no equal exchange of value here. I’m gonna figure this out but in the meantime, I have no idea what I’m doing

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#84

Recon from raikov sucks.

I feel like a massive failure who’s never achieved anything. And even worse everything I do try to achieve never ends in proficiency or anything beyond constantly struggling.

This is some bad depression and paralyzed feelings I haven’t felt in a while

#85

I don’t want to drop raikov over this little episode, but damn I feel terrible. This is only on 15 seconds as well. It’s not that I’m just feeling really insecure over my own abilities, it’s this fundamental lack of desire to try towards anything. I’ve struggled with this all my life and pushed and pushed and I never overcame it.

My mind is reacting to possibilities and doing different stuff with so much fear of failure it would rather choose complete apathy. It’s like a wall of lack of interest or everything being pointless. I can’t “beat” it because the apathy causes all sorts of drive and motivation issues. But idk this is long overdue because I’ve never been satisfied with life and forcing myself to do things hasn’t fixed it.

This combined with being stuck in my call center job right now is resulting in a soul crushing depression of being trapped with nowhere to go.

Also maybe it’s some of seductress self worth scripting but I’m having a lot of trouble with my body. I feel trapped with that too.

It’s just a lot of shit I’ve dealt with for years and thought I could just push it aside and keep going. Maybe it’s time I stop fighting and start acknowledging the feelings.

I called out of work today because I wasn’t in any condition to be answering phone calls or be around people.

The only roadmap for “better” I’ve been given is being well enough to work. That’s garbage. So no wonder I don’t want to feel better, all feeling better has ever given me is more pain and expectations from others to be functional.

#86

Gonna drop Raikov, this is way too much for me right now. I don’t understand how this title is so triggering for me but something in it is. I’ve been down this road of pushing through subliminal usage and know that doesn’t result in a good outcome.

I think cognitively this is not the light add on title I had hoped it would be. I have never had such a polarizing reaction to a sub like this besides love bomb. But this might be an independent run for later when I’m more stable. If this chewed me up at 15s yeah, not a good sign.

#87

I lied, giving this an honest shot. I can do this. I just need to set expectations better and reframe my entire learning process. Do this SAFELY for myself.

Somehow I was executing this sub through the lens of the very traumatic life experience of being neurodivergent. So of course I hit a wall. And of course no sub could alter my life experiences so I accept the scripting better. It’s up to me to not get triggered over the content.

I know this has to do with my system and other parts that really don’t like this. So I’ll be communicating directly. Right now they are under the impression this is a sub to launch me back into the workforce and burn me out again. Need to move towards fulfilling things, genuine exploration and joy, this is not a harmful path. Even though they think it is. Cuz if I’m honest learning has sucked over the course of my life and I dread it. I want to change that

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#88

Ok so. I might as well write this here. I’m working on developing my voice more. I almost quit raikov. After a cry session the other day and much anger I found myself trying to work on my voice. And I was grasping concepts a lot better. So I was like eh might as well stick with it because my voice has been something that’s been causing me a lot of distress. Both in my personal and professional space.

If raikov can help me excel at this it’s gonna be massive for me.

I’ve also been thinking about curating a playlist of all different makeup techniques. Grab myself some coffee and just chill out and passively absorb it without stressing out about getting all of it. I’m getting these nudges to just absorb things and even if I don’t grasp it or execute it it’s fine. It’s about exposure and broadening my internal creativity so I have more to pull from.

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#89

I feel really dumb because I keep telling myself I need to maybe run a sub to help me relax. i’m the most highstrung underachiever I know in my life. And it’s like the fact I feel I need to listen to a sub just to do a simple fucking concept is a testament to how corrupt my brain is in terms of its inability to not judge everything I do on a scale of pass or fail.

Today in therapy I laid it all out to my therapist how I’ve been fucking up the past few months by continually pushing myself to make changes I couldn’t actually change.

I discovered that my fear of falling behind, losing time, or not doing enough causes me to abandon my needs which ironically leads to self sabotage, not better progress. Also how I’m just so obsessed with being better, I never actually get to be being better.

Stillness, relaxation, doing nothing, it fills me with dread. The fact that I’m so uncomfortable with that means i need to do more of it.

I failed to realize that survival mode doesn’t mean easily observable anxiety. It can be measured in my actions too. Me thinking if I stop, rest, ease off, means a threat to my life is telling.

I don’t like where I am, how slow my progress is, how much I have to overcome. But this is it I guess and the more I learn to work within my threshold the better my progress.

So with my 15 second reset and back to scratch plan I had with the subs recently, I’m expanding that outward to my life as well.

The biggest lie I told myself throughout my life. If I just keep pushing, if I go through all this pain and struggle, if i just hold out, if I just make this one more push for change I’ll have this massive breakthrough. I have NEVER had a massive breakthrough doing this, ever. It’s an ineffective harmful pattern and yet I perpetuate it in myself over and over and over. Today I was like this is dumb, this clearly doesn’t work, do something different even if it scares you. The odd thing is doing nothing scares me the most. Meeting myself at my own level scares me the most. Setting safe limits and guidelines for myself scares me the most. Taking care of myself scares me the most. It all highlights where I’m ACTUALLY at and that’s intimidating because I realize I’m not where i want to be in the slightest. And that’s a hard thing to reconcile with.

4 Likes
#90

I got a response back from support about my difficulty with raikov. It made me realize it’s not the right time for this sub. I’m not nearly active enough with it and it’s a lot for me to process.

I’m going back to regeneration but stacking it with seductress. Right now it’s about protecting my peace and growing as a person. And boy is there a lot of stuff trying to destroy my peace my right now.

I’m reminded of the most important thing when choosing subs for myself. Choose the subs that are already in alignment with the path I’m walking. Simple concept but it’s easy to forget because I think “oh but if I run this sub and do this then I’ll get that” a big fat if. Which again rarely ever works out the way I expect.

I need to find me, buried under all these expectations, pressure, judgement. Until I do that I’m running someone elses script, I’m dysregulated, I’m living a life that is pointless. I know it’s bad because last week while going through a mental breakdown I asked myself what’s the point? Genuinely I saw no way out of this hell that’s been a constant repeat in my life. That made me realize I need to drastically alter my approach.

I’m stacking these two because I feel one of the things I need to work on is opposites and making them work together. There’s nothing that says healing and rest can’t also result in productivity and forward momentum. I’ll be swapping out my seductress name embed with another one I had which includes singularities paradox module

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#91

I ran regeneration before work today and it made my day so much more tolerable. I took my time answering and handling customers. I had close to none of that anxious energy where I start getting nervous about them being upset I’m taking too long or not working fast enough. I probably appear less eager to please and customer satisfaction minded to my supervisor but fuck it I really don’t care.

Also I noticed my body relaxing today. I also had this interesting moment where I breathed in and there was this sort of quivering and it kind of felt like when you cry. That sort of shaky inhale when you’re processing the emotions.

There’s a deep release going on right now.

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#92

If I remember correctly, I thought Regeneration was really helping with that Inner Spa effect.

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#93

Can definitely attest to the inner spa. Out of all the improvements on the subs this has been the most noticeable to me. It has been helping me navigate a toxic work environment that doesn’t realize it’s toxic.

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#94

I made some new friends. But all I can think about is when they’ll get tired of me and want to leave. I expect people to forget about me. I’ve gotten used to being alone but that’s a crutch for poor relationship skills.

It sounds depressing but I don’t dwell on it. It kinda just exists there coloring my relationships. Awareness of these complex emotional problems doesn’t offset them.

Part of my life now is knowing who’s a safe person vs isn’t. I don’t broadcast being trans to the world unless it’s for my own safety. Online dating I have a big header about being trans so other guys know and I won’t get hate crimed or something. But in my day to day I never know who knows or doesn’t. Generally I assume most people do, but people in my life have told me it’s not that obvious.

Lemkin institute just issued a genocide warning for trans individuals in the US. So one of my other issues is this definitely takes a psychological toll on me. I’m a strong person but I’m not so strong that I can keep pretending everything is all fine and crank out the same level of productivity week after week at my job. I have family members that don’t want to “get into politics” but I’ve cut out all those people. It has nothing to do with politics it’s just human right violations at this point.

And then on top of that I express it to some people in my life and they’re like “yeah don’t let it get to you” lmao what? You can’t recover in an abusive environment, unfortunately that’s what I’m stuck in. Do I try? Of course. But I don’t need guilt piled on for not being able to detach from all this and thrive. Which is unfortunately what some people end up doing to me.

So yeah never ever would have expected this to be my life 10 years ago. Just leave me the fuck alone. I’m trying to live as myself.

3 Likes
#95

I moved up to 30s recently and I don’t think I’m ready yet.

I had a dream last night and it made me realize my lifelong struggles with feeling like a burden on others and asking for too much. It’s because that’s the message I got when I was a child. Really that simple, you don’t feel like a burden out of nowhere.

If I didn’t have this stupid job and I had time to explore this deeper I’d continue with 30s. But the more I bring up challenging emotions, the more I have to mask that at my job, which causes more frustration and stress and it just doesn’t work like that.

Taking another 2 or three days off till this clears.

I’ve been really more attentive to what I can handle and not pushing myself beyond my means lately. It’s been difficult. There’s still this lingering sense of not doing enough, but I know that’s the very thing that burns me out if I listen.

Feel like I’m in hell right now but I think that’s the recon speaking. The thing is it’s not so bad, the emotional turmoil. What is bad is not having a supportive environment to explore any of this or recover or heal. And maybe that’s a lesson too, to learn to say fuck off to people and things that want me to put aside my needs for their benefits.

#96

Had such a terrible day. I came home from work and just went right to music. Wrote something, ran into some blocks, fought with my inner critic because my stuff always seems too simple compared to everyone else. At the same time I don’t like putting stuff in my music for the sake of just having more stuff. I guess that’s the hard part for me and always has been.

30s of Regen was hell for me.

Just fucking ughhhhhh. I’m angry and sad all at once and I’m sick of dumb stuff in my life taking me away from music all the time. But I’m more sick of never catching a break in life. On top of everything else I just realized today I have some kind of eating disorder.

It’s just not good lately. I try so hard to make the best of things but I keep waking up every morning feeling like I’m fighting the same battle on repeat over and over again.

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#97

Simplicity is pure and can be beautiful. Don’t compare your music to others. It is your music, it is your baby and I am sure it is beautiful.

I don’t know if this will help at all, but just wanted to send you a big hug.

2 Likes
#98

It does help thank you :heart:. I’m trying to get back to the joy of making music and I just have a bad habit of being overly critical.

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#99

So I’m stopping regen and moving to paragon. Breaking my stack.

I realized something recently about my physical health, I’m battling chronic pains, my eating habits are terrible (in that I struggle with food a lot due to sensitivities), my health is just really unpleasant.

And I know for a fact all this is contributing to hormone treatment not getting me to where I want to be body wise and consequently prolonging my distress.

The only way I ever got through life was ignoring my body and detaching from it. I hate my body. It keeps me alive and I hate it. It’s such a poor relationship and I know that could be better.

I’ve reached a point where I can’t just keep trying to fix everything in the mental realm. And I’m willing to bet a lot of struggles I fight mentally and try to keep on top of wouldn’t even be there if I took care of myself better in a physical sense. Like falling into a deep existential crisis and feeling hopeless, then eating food, and it’s like yeah you could either eat a snack or battle some mentally drawn out inner dialogue drama. If you eat the snack it’ll go away, it’s kind of obvious which one is the smarter choice. But I guess that’s my problem, years of neglect and inattention I barely have any signaling for things.

I’m afraid though. I’m afraid because fixing health issues is such a damn rabbit hole. And on top of everything else in my life being my own health expert is not something I feel I’ll excel at. But I have to try at least.

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#100

15 seconds of paragon and slept all through the night. I haven’t been able to do that in weeks. I struggle with sleep a lot because sleep has been associated with the stress of a new day vs deep restorative self care. Looking forward to see how this develops

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#101

This is probably leftover from regeneration. But I’m learning how to move past the harm my parents did to me as a child. Or maybe it’s paragon too helping.

There’s a lot of weird links and connections that happen in my head with these subs. Webs and commonality between things that don’t always show as immediately obvious.

The hurt I sustained as a child was physical on my body, despite it being purely emotional based. It feels like by focusing on the physical healing im letting go of the emotional attachment and stories. The memories and topics brought up evoke very location based hurt. Trauma hurts because it triggers the body, the trigger from the body is what starts to ensnare the mind.

The only reason I gravitate towards the overly complex heady interpretations and solutions is because I lost the ability to release or heal the pain held in the body. I also don’t acknowledge it. But after that one loop of paragon I have this internal perception of how the emotions and physical react with each other vs running in parallel.

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