Thanks for the suggestion! I think I’m at a point where I’m trying to learn to put myself first. My ability has definitely declined but my job isn’t at risk.
What’s your experience with glm been? My biggest worry is it detouring from the healing by giving me the ability to function better but at the risk of falling into my old habits of putting others first.
Glm has given me good work ethic and calm of sanguine plus masculine/strong attitude towards life itself.
I am basically using glm to write computer code and it works hilariously well. 
About detouring from the healing, I would only include glm if I get some tangible day to day benefit, like I get confidence to program. Else, just raw dogging regen will work faster.
So, How was your day today? Wanna talk?
Yeah I’m not too drawn to glm. I need the opposite lol. I’m too reserved, I need to express. I need controlled chaos I can use. But that’s kinda Regen anyway, it’s calm but it’s fierce at the same time. It’s an interesting one.
My day was ok. Work takes a lot out of me. I guess this is my struggle right now. I’ve realized I don’t have very tangible goals. My biggest goal I think right now is to have my own bubble of influence moving through reality vs getting sucked into everyone else’s. Im trying to adjust something on such a base fundamental level so the circumstances of my life don’t hold as much weight. Having more flexibility in life vs a singular path if that makes sense.
It’s hard to articulate what I’m looking for because it tends to exist outside of the more typical stuff people want in life.
Trying 1 min of regen today to see how I do.
My resistance to the idea of emotionally healing is an interesting one. Deep down I feel like it’s a waste of time and I have to keep moving forward, we don’t have time to dwell, I’m doing it wrong, etc. But I know that resistance is a deep discomfort with the idea of facing everything.
I told myself for a while I can just grow by focusing on change and that’s it. Leave the past behind, become a new person. That was always just a fantasy. The fantasy being I could just separate a singular part of myself, mold it into what I want, and abandon everything else.
Using regen it’s kind of highlighted in me what my approach needs to be to move towards feeling whole. And it’s not like anyone else in my life. That’s the rough part of living sometimes, looking for peers for confirmation of an internal experience vs taking my experience at face value. It’s even harder when your experience deviates from the norm and most people don’t get it. The lack of internal trust can lead to doubting my own experiences which leads to outside approval seeking, which leads to more lack of trust, more approval seeking ,etc. It’s a vicious cycle.
But with regen I’ve been noticing I’ve been able to just slowly start to understand my experiences are real and valid. Despite what anyone else says.
Not sure if 1 min was too much. But I basically crashed the next day. Still have to try again and rule out the fact there was other physical stuff going on.
I almost added Executive to my stack then stopped. I want to be productive but first I have to learn how to relax and be calm. I have to make peace with doing nothing. I have to learn to let productivity emerge out of me as true desire. Not as a response to fear, not as an internal self worth measure, not as a shame induced knee jerk reaction. A lot of people hear that and just think I’m overthinking and procrastinating on life. I can say from my own experience that isn’t true, at all. There’s so much bullshit in society, so much manipulation that takes you further away from yourself and benefits someone else. I need these boundaries, I don’t have them. I’m establishing them now. And even if I’m wrong on this, even if it’s not the right path, I have to explore it first without having others interfere with it. I’m on my own journey
The craziest thing with all of this is I’m realizing I have so much frantic energy in me that is not doing or guiding me into what I want to do. I could very easily give up on this journey and go back to where that energy is pulling me. But I know it’s miserable, I know it’s imprisonment, I know it’s survival mentality that will not lead to happiness.
I’m also seeing how Seductress was so hard to execute for me because self expression necessitates feeling safe within myself. That’s really fucking hard to do when your environment is hostile to you and literally shoving in your face how you shouldn’t exist. So regen is helping me cultivate that safety within myself despite this awful looming presence in my life. I do feel like after another cycle or 2 of regen I’ll have a stronger foundation to be myself without feeling like it threatens my safety. I’m not there yet though. I tried to convince myself I was and stuff down the fear and pain, but that was just more shame about being afraid and hurt.
So a message for future me. I’m doing my best to transmute this fear and pain into transformative energy. To stop internalizing the harmful messages and move towards elevating my own life. Let yourself develop that confidence to invoke fear in others, there’s nothing wrong with protecting yourself. They’ve shown who they are, now let them know it won’t be tolerated.
1 min has increased the calm effect. Work has gotten easier, I don’t feel as anxious on the phone when I don’t have an answer immediately, boundaries are better. I’m also not relying on my fight response to protect myself. I started becoming more aware how I can be calm and just be mindful of bs vs putting up an aggressive wall where I don’t trust anyone. I made a few work friends which has been nice. It kinda just happened and I wasn’t trying. People were really friendly to me and it made me suspicious. I still have a lot of hangups.
Music making inclinations are creeping back in slowly. One of these days I know I’ll write something. I’m feeling the urge to tap into that creative headspace where ideas form and vibes live. Not necessarily a finished song, but exploring the space of one and letting something emerge.
I stopped feeling like every day was like holding my breath till the weekend. I started being ok with being sad or upset on my way to work, or at work. I still get misgendered on the phone and it feels bad, but I’m working on my voice. Basically I put down the emotional labor of showing up at 100% for my job. I’m a fucking human being going through a really difficult time, they get what’s in my capacity and that’s it.
I don’t care about screwing up or getting fired anymore. If a company wants to be that drastic or rigid whatever I’ve got better environments to work in. I stopped internalizing that I need to be better for these companies, I don’t care anymore.
There’s a difference between recon that’s hard to handle vs difficult emotions. Upping to 1 min is showing me I have to acknowledge this stuff.
I think I’m going to start a private journal so I can have freedom of thought without worry.
This journal will be for more insights, success, progress, challenges, etc. Still going to be transparent about it all but I think it’ll be more of a surface level representation and then the deeper stuff I have my own safe journal I can talk in. Part of boundary setting from regeneration I think, I deserve to have full freedom of expression and it’s easier to do that in what feels like a safer environment.
Companies have gotten too comfortable with thinking they own their employees. Fuck them.
So tired of healing. But I know I’m not done yet. I just discovered today why I’m so critical of how others look which has bothered me for years. And as with most things if it’s happening externally, it’s happening internally too. So that damaging judgement is being pointed at myself too.
My biggest struggle is sometimes I do like how I look or feel good about myself. And then something happens that shatters that. A picture, a comment, clothing not fitting right, difficulty with makeup because of my features. I just feel really really bad and then looking at myself in the mirror is more of a trigger to feel worse. And I have trouble feeling good again. And it goes like that in cycles and at any given point I can’t tell what I actually look like to others.
I tell myself it shouldn’t matter, I shouldn’t waste my energy on these thoughts. But there’s a deep emotional wound there I need to figure out what to do with.
Woke up this morning and felt better. Idk if it’s things on the horizon at sub club or my Regen run still hitting at stuff.
But basically I have a deep fear with losing touch with reality. It has prevented me from exercising my own personal power. I feel as if I’ve had small moments in my life that point towards something bigger. But I’m not all that grounded, I still have a lot of anxiety, I still struggle to make it through days sometimes. But I was thinking today maybe all of that is just a small bubble in the weaved tapestry of reality.
I’m not all that immersed in typical life or invested in it. Similarly I’m not on some grand spiritual path. I’m just sitting here in between worlds not knowing how to merge it together. And on top of that I exist in a body that I fundamentally reject in a world where a lot of people preach naturalism and acceptance of who you are. I feel exiled and I don’t even want back in. I’d rather just construct my own because fuck all this.
I decided today I’m gonna be open to things beyond my current concept of reality. If I go off the deep end oh well. But living in fear of losing touch with reality and staying attached to one that makes me objectively miserable seems more insane.
Also lately I just feel entitled, but not in a bad way. Like yes I do see some jobs as fundamentally incompatible with my life. Why would I subject myself to low pay and abusive environments? To show I have work ethic? Don’t care. Call me a diva, whatever, I want to live a life of lavish comfort. I keep focusing on shit environments and circumstances to get stronger and more resilient vs focusing on stuff that adds value to my life and is healthy. Preparing for abuse is not the great strategy I’ve come to assume and just puts me in more abuse.
Things are shifting for sure. There’s just a lot of shame and guilt. Like why should I be comfortable and make plenty of money when others struggle? I can’t change that, I can’t intervene in others lives as much as I want to. This is probably just an extension of the parentification I experienced and feeling the need to be responsible for everyone else before me. I’m disgusted with the structures of this country, but I have to elevate myself before I can help others.
I hate being perceived. I wonder if that’s why I never got any attention on seductress. I hate when people look at me or give me attention. I don’t know what that’s about. Maybe on the surface level the validation would feel good but deep down I want to be invisible. Conflicting things in me. I feel like I actively worked against some things in that sub and it’s frustrating. I know I don’t truly want to be invisible, that’s just a trauma response. But at the same time I’m not chomping at the bit to be in the spotlight either.
I was going through older journals of mine and it’s just a merry go round of misery. Same as I am now. Intellectualizing, thinking I’m getting somewhere. Grateful for these subs but I have to step away for a while and explore something else. So I’m putting this journal on pause for the moment along with the subs.
I really need to know if these subs are the best option for me or I’ve just convinced myself they are just because I have used them for a while. Need some perspective. To be honest I’ve been increasingly disappointed with myself that I anticipate new titles or features that make me feel like I need those improvements to grow. There’s a dependency here that isn’t healthy that I need to sit with.