Thanks for the suggestion! I think I’m at a point where I’m trying to learn to put myself first. My ability has definitely declined but my job isn’t at risk.
What’s your experience with glm been? My biggest worry is it detouring from the healing by giving me the ability to function better but at the risk of falling into my old habits of putting others first.
Glm has given me good work ethic and calm of sanguine plus masculine/strong attitude towards life itself.
I am basically using glm to write computer code and it works hilariously well. 
About detouring from the healing, I would only include glm if I get some tangible day to day benefit, like I get confidence to program. Else, just raw dogging regen will work faster.
So, How was your day today? Wanna talk?
Yeah I’m not too drawn to glm. I need the opposite lol. I’m too reserved, I need to express. I need controlled chaos I can use. But that’s kinda Regen anyway, it’s calm but it’s fierce at the same time. It’s an interesting one.
My day was ok. Work takes a lot out of me. I guess this is my struggle right now. I’ve realized I don’t have very tangible goals. My biggest goal I think right now is to have my own bubble of influence moving through reality vs getting sucked into everyone else’s. Im trying to adjust something on such a base fundamental level so the circumstances of my life don’t hold as much weight. Having more flexibility in life vs a singular path if that makes sense.
It’s hard to articulate what I’m looking for because it tends to exist outside of the more typical stuff people want in life.
Trying 1 min of regen today to see how I do.
My resistance to the idea of emotionally healing is an interesting one. Deep down I feel like it’s a waste of time and I have to keep moving forward, we don’t have time to dwell, I’m doing it wrong, etc. But I know that resistance is a deep discomfort with the idea of facing everything.
I told myself for a while I can just grow by focusing on change and that’s it. Leave the past behind, become a new person. That was always just a fantasy. The fantasy being I could just separate a singular part of myself, mold it into what I want, and abandon everything else.
Using regen it’s kind of highlighted in me what my approach needs to be to move towards feeling whole. And it’s not like anyone else in my life. That’s the rough part of living sometimes, looking for peers for confirmation of an internal experience vs taking my experience at face value. It’s even harder when your experience deviates from the norm and most people don’t get it. The lack of internal trust can lead to doubting my own experiences which leads to outside approval seeking, which leads to more lack of trust, more approval seeking ,etc. It’s a vicious cycle.
But with regen I’ve been noticing I’ve been able to just slowly start to understand my experiences are real and valid. Despite what anyone else says.
Not sure if 1 min was too much. But I basically crashed the next day. Still have to try again and rule out the fact there was other physical stuff going on.
I almost added Executive to my stack then stopped. I want to be productive but first I have to learn how to relax and be calm. I have to make peace with doing nothing. I have to learn to let productivity emerge out of me as true desire. Not as a response to fear, not as an internal self worth measure, not as a shame induced knee jerk reaction. A lot of people hear that and just think I’m overthinking and procrastinating on life. I can say from my own experience that isn’t true, at all. There’s so much bullshit in society, so much manipulation that takes you further away from yourself and benefits someone else. I need these boundaries, I don’t have them. I’m establishing them now. And even if I’m wrong on this, even if it’s not the right path, I have to explore it first without having others interfere with it. I’m on my own journey
The craziest thing with all of this is I’m realizing I have so much frantic energy in me that is not doing or guiding me into what I want to do. I could very easily give up on this journey and go back to where that energy is pulling me. But I know it’s miserable, I know it’s imprisonment, I know it’s survival mentality that will not lead to happiness.
I’m also seeing how Seductress was so hard to execute for me because self expression necessitates feeling safe within myself. That’s really fucking hard to do when your environment is hostile to you and literally shoving in your face how you shouldn’t exist. So regen is helping me cultivate that safety within myself despite this awful looming presence in my life. I do feel like after another cycle or 2 of regen I’ll have a stronger foundation to be myself without feeling like it threatens my safety. I’m not there yet though. I tried to convince myself I was and stuff down the fear and pain, but that was just more shame about being afraid and hurt.
So a message for future me. I’m doing my best to transmute this fear and pain into transformative energy. To stop internalizing the harmful messages and move towards elevating my own life. Let yourself develop that confidence to invoke fear in others, there’s nothing wrong with protecting yourself. They’ve shown who they are, now let them know it won’t be tolerated.
1 min has increased the calm effect. Work has gotten easier, I don’t feel as anxious on the phone when I don’t have an answer immediately, boundaries are better. I’m also not relying on my fight response to protect myself. I started becoming more aware how I can be calm and just be mindful of bs vs putting up an aggressive wall where I don’t trust anyone. I made a few work friends which has been nice. It kinda just happened and I wasn’t trying. People were really friendly to me and it made me suspicious. I still have a lot of hangups.
Music making inclinations are creeping back in slowly. One of these days I know I’ll write something. I’m feeling the urge to tap into that creative headspace where ideas form and vibes live. Not necessarily a finished song, but exploring the space of one and letting something emerge.
I stopped feeling like every day was like holding my breath till the weekend. I started being ok with being sad or upset on my way to work, or at work. I still get misgendered on the phone and it feels bad, but I’m working on my voice. Basically I put down the emotional labor of showing up at 100% for my job. I’m a fucking human being going through a really difficult time, they get what’s in my capacity and that’s it.
I don’t care about screwing up or getting fired anymore. If a company wants to be that drastic or rigid whatever I’ve got better environments to work in. I stopped internalizing that I need to be better for these companies, I don’t care anymore.
There’s a difference between recon that’s hard to handle vs difficult emotions. Upping to 1 min is showing me I have to acknowledge this stuff.
I think I’m going to start a private journal so I can have freedom of thought without worry.
This journal will be for more insights, success, progress, challenges, etc. Still going to be transparent about it all but I think it’ll be more of a surface level representation and then the deeper stuff I have my own safe journal I can talk in. Part of boundary setting from regeneration I think, I deserve to have full freedom of expression and it’s easier to do that in what feels like a safer environment.
Companies have gotten too comfortable with thinking they own their employees. Fuck them.
So tired of healing. But I know I’m not done yet. I just discovered today why I’m so critical of how others look which has bothered me for years. And as with most things if it’s happening externally, it’s happening internally too. So that damaging judgement is being pointed at myself too.
My biggest struggle is sometimes I do like how I look or feel good about myself. And then something happens that shatters that. A picture, a comment, clothing not fitting right, difficulty with makeup because of my features. I just feel really really bad and then looking at myself in the mirror is more of a trigger to feel worse. And I have trouble feeling good again. And it goes like that in cycles and at any given point I can’t tell what I actually look like to others.
I tell myself it shouldn’t matter, I shouldn’t waste my energy on these thoughts. But there’s a deep emotional wound there I need to figure out what to do with.
Woke up this morning and felt better. Idk if it’s things on the horizon at sub club or my Regen run still hitting at stuff.
But basically I have a deep fear with losing touch with reality. It has prevented me from exercising my own personal power. I feel as if I’ve had small moments in my life that point towards something bigger. But I’m not all that grounded, I still have a lot of anxiety, I still struggle to make it through days sometimes. But I was thinking today maybe all of that is just a small bubble in the weaved tapestry of reality.
I’m not all that immersed in typical life or invested in it. Similarly I’m not on some grand spiritual path. I’m just sitting here in between worlds not knowing how to merge it together. And on top of that I exist in a body that I fundamentally reject in a world where a lot of people preach naturalism and acceptance of who you are. I feel exiled and I don’t even want back in. I’d rather just construct my own because fuck all this.
I decided today I’m gonna be open to things beyond my current concept of reality. If I go off the deep end oh well. But living in fear of losing touch with reality and staying attached to one that makes me objectively miserable seems more insane.
Also lately I just feel entitled, but not in a bad way. Like yes I do see some jobs as fundamentally incompatible with my life. Why would I subject myself to low pay and abusive environments? To show I have work ethic? Don’t care. Call me a diva, whatever, I want to live a life of lavish comfort. I keep focusing on shit environments and circumstances to get stronger and more resilient vs focusing on stuff that adds value to my life and is healthy. Preparing for abuse is not the great strategy I’ve come to assume and just puts me in more abuse.
Things are shifting for sure. There’s just a lot of shame and guilt. Like why should I be comfortable and make plenty of money when others struggle? I can’t change that, I can’t intervene in others lives as much as I want to. This is probably just an extension of the parentification I experienced and feeling the need to be responsible for everyone else before me. I’m disgusted with the structures of this country, but I have to elevate myself before I can help others.
I hate being perceived. I wonder if that’s why I never got any attention on seductress. I hate when people look at me or give me attention. I don’t know what that’s about. Maybe on the surface level the validation would feel good but deep down I want to be invisible. Conflicting things in me. I feel like I actively worked against some things in that sub and it’s frustrating. I know I don’t truly want to be invisible, that’s just a trauma response. But at the same time I’m not chomping at the bit to be in the spotlight either.
I was going through older journals of mine and it’s just a merry go round of misery. Same as I am now. Intellectualizing, thinking I’m getting somewhere. Grateful for these subs but I have to step away for a while and explore something else. So I’m putting this journal on pause for the moment along with the subs.
I really need to know if these subs are the best option for me or I’ve just convinced myself they are just because I have used them for a while. Need some perspective. To be honest I’ve been increasingly disappointed with myself that I anticipate new titles or features that make me feel like I need those improvements to grow. There’s a dependency here that isn’t healthy that I need to sit with.
I’m back!
I had a brief break where I was just exploring some other subs and alternatives for myself.
Suspecting some of the results I saw on break were bloom, but not 100% certain. All I know is the processing on the other sub was super rough.
Anywho going back to my seductress name embed and running that alone for now. No vibes or regen.
To make this short, I am not doing too well right now but I’m optimistic because I’m de-tangling the things that were causing me to be miserable.
At some point I started caring much less about what others thought of me. One of my biggest insecurities was other women accepting me. All the awful stuff I had either read or seen about trans women really wormed its way into my head and made me feel like I’d never be accepted as woman. Eventually I got to the point where I was like fuck it, I don’t care, I’m just gonna be me. Some people are gonna dislike me and others are going to like me, there’s literally nothing I can do about the people who don’t like me and that’s not a reflection of my worth as a person.
Also I was running these subs and expecting to eventually break through to something that made my life trajectory make sense. What I wasn’t seeing is I was still running an old program of fear and security that my dad instilled in me with regards to living life. I’ve been deconstructing that and trying to start from scratch. Also been mentally throwing out all the stupid propaganda that was fed to me growing up.
A major change in me that happened is I’ve been acknowledging and calling out shit my employer does. Not at them, but just in general. Like I can say, no I don’t think this is a healthy environment without a sense of guilt or feeling like I’m the problem. I’ve been kinda pissed at them lately tbh. But the other sub had some stuff in it for removing people pleasing, I think it went a little too far and I started dipping into a fight trauma response which isn’t great. But it just always amazes me how much companies want you to go above and beyond for little pay, as if the prestige or honor of working for their company is enough motivation. Nutjobs. I decided if I’m the cynical villain of this story I honestly don’t even care anymore. I’m protecting my peace and that’s all that matters.
So yeah gonna see how everything continues from here
I created a profile for online dating a few weeks back. I had some guys msg me, more than I was expecting. I took some cute pics of myself but I’m always paranoid I’ll end up catfishing someone. Just really insecure about my looks irl.
Anyway just been struggling to talk to anyone on there. Guys make me really anxious.
Me thinking I can run 1 min lol
I’m restarting and being really strict with how I increase exposure. I’m really tired of feeling not great and pushing myself for bigger and bigger changes and barely executing what’s already on my plate.
Is the progressive microloop strategy appealing? No lol. But you know that’s part of my self growth too, for a long time I’ve demanded too much of myself and not given myself any bandwidth to integrate on my time. Also that’s kinda because society sucks. You’re just hurried along to a grave. And I feel like I’ve lost a lot of time doing what everyone else wanted instead of doing things for me.
I’m gonna be coming up on 2 years on my transition this april. A lot of things have changed and some have been me frustratingly stuck. One thing I became aware of is I burned a lot of energy micro managing every aspect of me that was more feminine. I still am gradually learning there’s no repercussions to being myself. I’m still learning how to be me. In ways that really call into question how I’ve interacted with the world a majority of my life.
I’ve been trying to not think of my past. But I had friends I made happy memories with. And it can be bittersweet looking back on really nice memories of people I love and simultaneously feel like that person they interacted with wasn’t entirely me. My future is important yeah, but I realized these memories can’t just vanish. They’re a part of me and all the experiences I held. It doesn’t mean if I find joy in them I’m somehow less of the person I am now.
Complicated stuff
Ok I said only seductress but raikov has some really good stuff in it so I think I’m gonna stack that. I think I have to break this identity I’ve developed of not being good at anything. I’ve said for a long time now I’ve had a perpetual fear of learning, no matter what I do it always feels stressful, forced, and the outcomes suck which is horribly demotivating. I think this sub could really help me break out of the rut I’m in. Not particularly looking to master a specific skill but me more flexible in life. Not feel like “I’m only good at this and my survival revolves around it” Cuz right now that’s my sticking point, getting stuck in jobs I hate, studying things I don’t care about, all because I don’t see myself capable of much else.
Gonna run raikov and work on identifying as someone where subliminals are easily integrated lol. Let’s see if I can overcome my self defeat with this loophole.
Raikov is giving me some much needed perspective shifts and working through stuff.
It’s always been hard for me to go for goals or improving myself without overcorrecting and just outright suppressing who I am. So as a consequence the idea of growth not only deals with the usual fear of failure, but fear of abandoning myself. It’s an absolutely over the top belief, but that doesn’t stop it from being influential.
Running this sub I’m trying to instill the idea that I can change drastically and still be me. There’s no threat to my safety. No matter how much I change and I also can try different things and it’s all ok and it’s not failure if those things don’t work .
I guess my usage of raikov is a little interesting because I’m building my own identity and I’ve been crippled by exploration in the past. I want to have the freedom to explore myself and what I like or dislike without fear I can get it wrong.
Had an interesting dream experience a few days ago. First I was in the dream first person perspective, then it was third person. And the third person perspective looked different and my hair was way different. I decided to get my hair cut and styled the other day and it reflects the dream image of me. I thought that was interesting. It’s kinda like the internal image is trying to manifest outwardly more.
Oh also I have untouchable in this seductress name embed and I have a few people I connected with where they’ve been really supportive. I’ve also been able to be more vulnerable with everyone and speak about my experiences. I’m slowly moving away from my hyper independence and trying to cultivate more skills around connecting and community. Recently I’ve really started to feel like I’ve left out a really important piece for health and well-being. Vulnerability, seeking help, not insisting on trying to solve everything on my own. It was never strength to do these things on my own, it was based in fear.