Thank you 
It can feel like fighting an invisible war sometimes and drives me crazy.
But I definitely hear you. Mastering this energy is my #1 priority too. I don’t plan on being a hermit and shunning society lol. But I do want to live life on my terms.
You will — I believe it. I have the same feeling and the same wish: living life on my own terms and being able to impact society in what TRULY matters.
And you know, you’re in the right place at the right time, living and unfolding things that are so unique to your journey. 
I relate to so many things you share on the forum. I also hope you have support offline, because it helped me a lot along this journey. (actually, still does)
Thank you. I know you’ll get there too. As long as we keep moving forward it’s impossible not to.
My support system is a little weak at the moment so it has made things difficult for me. I’m trying to learn to trust people more so I’m not doing this all alone. But every supportive comment on this forum helps a lot and I really appreciate you taking the time to read my posts!
The most difficult part of change is the transition period. So here I am acknowledging all the things that make me feel bad. Ok we start letting that go. Now what? We build the new life. But you can’t look back on the past to define the future. And that’s been a really strong safety seeking behavior in me. What can I do? What was possible in the past or I struggled with and how does that apply to this currently?
It doesn’t. It never does. It’s just a limiting filter applied over everything. It seems like it’s well thought out or could benefit me but it rarely does. Instead of being open to new experiences, I cling onto what’s familiar to define my reality.
At the same time I can’t hold resentment for that or blame myself. But I do have to try to see the obstacles for what they are vs what my beliefs tell me they are. That can be really difficult.
I’ve been writing music for 10 years off and on. One of the most difficult things for me is just trying to capture my expression in the purest way. What I mean by that is I think too much about genre, what time signature, if this sound is good enough, if this section is too weird, if these ideas connect, etc. I wish I could let loose and just have something cohesive form. I’m good at little pockets of ideas and moods, but stringing it into a whole song still stumps me. I can do it if I force it, but I don’t want to have to force my music every time I write just to get something.
Next project I’m gonna just write and not worry about cohesiveness or how random something is. I’ve got so many ideas and moods inside me, they all want to express themselves at once and the music can get cluttered. I think what I’m trying to do mostly is remove this weird right vs wrong dichotomy when it comes to music because that’s screwing up my creativity and expression.
Decided I’m going to stop my cycle here, 5 days to washout, then pickup Regen solo for a month or two and come back to seductress and vibes.
I’m trying to do too much at once and I feel it. Some goals are getting hit, others not so much, but I feel overwhelmed in life. Then I feel like I’m not trying hard enough which makes me feel worse and more overwhelmed. It’s just not the way right now.
Also recently in therapy I came to a realization with some stuff and how my mind processes change. I’m reorienting myself to be in alignment with that and exploring it more. I’m trying to really listen to what I need and honor that vs pushing.
Right now does it feel good to drop seductress and vibes? No not at all. But if I look at my life and what’s needed, I’m not ready for rapid growth or change. I’m still trying to feel regulated and not burnt out.
It sucks but I have to scale back even more. This is becoming a theme for me this month. The things I thought I could handle but really can’t.
So on one hand I don’t want to fall behind. But on the other I haven’t really been progressing much in the avenues of my life that truly matter.
I know I have to take care of myself better and this is part of it.
Also in this 1-2 month period officially starting today I will not care about anything. Every single thing that has been weighing on my shoulders I give myself permission to disregard. I have my job, keeping myself fed, and enjoying life and that is literally it. If something is stressful and I absolutely don’t need to do it for survival I won’t. I’ll only engage with things on my terms and if they add a good experience.
That means showing up at my job and disengaging. Doing what’s required and that’s it. None of the weird tribal oh we have to do this, we have to do that, this is important, that customer is upset, you made a mistake here, etc. Nuh uh, it doesn’t matter. Done.
That also means not going crazy trying to get my makeup or clothes right. It’s about what feels good to me and what I like. Exploring how I want to express myself pressure free. If that means for the next 1-2 months I’m doing absolutely nothing with my appearance? That’s fine.
My goal is to calm myself, let the inner spa do its thing, and gradually learn how to do things in my life without fueling it through a stress response.
I am spite relaxing. Fuck this country,fuck the systemic inequality, and fuck the stupid games. I have had it.
During this washout things are becoming more apparent.
One that is very troubling is I’m not connected to myself. This is basically a prerequisite for subs working. Inner connection and communication. There’s a breakdown in my mind. Without that it’s hard to work with more challenging subs.
Second is that I noticed when I can’t execute the subs it’s almost more torture having the idea of it unrelenting in my head. If I’m not taking action, if I’m stuck, if I’m feeling like a failure, more of the sub isn’t gonna help.
This is a traumatic wound from when I was younger. When I was struggling with pretty severe mental health issues and constantly shamed and guilted into doing things better. It’s a similar dynamic.
To make things more complicated I learned I have what’s called structural dissociation. Which means stuff like that can act as not just emotions and feelings, but autonomous parts that can influence “me”. At this point “me” is just a surface level representation or who interacted with the world. But there’s multiple fragmented selves, some I’m not even aware of. At extreme levels people switch and have different identities and stuff, but I don’t have it that severe. I don’t exactly have a “normal” experience of my mind though which has been a lot to process lately.
Just realized my name is fractal explorer lol. I guess part of me realized this a while ago but wasn’t conscious of it. My mind is very much like a fractal. That’s been my experience trying to figure out how to get stuff to work for me. Getting closer, it just involves trusting myself more and not immediately discounting experiences because more people don’t have them
Probably wasn’t easy to admit.
Now how long has that been in the background; and how might those sentiments been linked to (what seems to me) many years of distress you’ve posted about, including having difficulty running subliminals (such as intense reconciliation)?
Very very long. Even with the best of intentions, sometimes when I run subliminals old conditioning takes hold and it becomes less about fulfilling my needs and more of the stuff I’ve been indoctrinated with. So after a while just the act of running any subliminal that is associated with society can trigger recon.
And that’s just the surface before we even get into the deeper stuff I’ve got going on. But I think the fundamental issue with trusting my own intuition and choices makes it harder to run more complex subliminals that are centered in the world more and you really do need a strong center or trust in yourself to navigate that.
I’m wondering if seductress is too much for me and after this time on Regen if I should just run HoT to focus on my needs physically.
Things I really really want
Buy more clothing I feel good in and develop my self expression
Feel good when I look in the mirror
Feel more comfortable in my body and with my own beauty
Get better at makeup and be more confident about pulling off certain looks.
Things I struggle with immensely that I feel I’m hitting walls on with seductress
Sex. The idea of sex. Guys finding me attractive.
Intimacy and being rejected
My safety and hateful violence towards me
Me being all seductive. I feel like I’m too awkward and shy and not anywhere close to embodying that essence of seductress. And it felt like I wasn’t getting any closer because it’s hard to feel that way when I don’t feel good in my body.
So it’s a lot of blocks and I really don’t know if they are something I can work through or not on seductress.
Part of me is like feeling sexy and attractive is a mindset and then another part of me feels like that just isn’t possible with how I am physically right now. I ran seductress a decent amount of time too. Some stuff stuck and others didn’t. It just feels like the idea of seduction and stuff is too much to handle right now.
Hey. I got a quick opinion to share.
Whatever U remove or add from Ur stack, keep regeneration in Ur stack.
I believe all emotional issues will be fixed by regen with long enough exposure to it. My own plan is to run regen until I achieve permanent inner peace (along wid self love, happiness and everything else that comes wid complete emotional healing) (and currently I can see great progress when compared to before I began running regen). Good luck.
Thanks! Yeah I’m still trying to determine if Regen is better cycled or alongside other subs. I intend to keep using it, I’m just trying to figure out what’s best.
I think three subs is too much for me to juggle so I’ll likely run Regen solo and then a 2 sub stack.
Forgive me for intruding but what you mentioned with the tons of societal rules and what is expected of you is going to be a lot of subliminal breaking through to your genuine core Self. It sucks to be setup in such a cruel way with what “society” demands of each of us, but at least those rules can be spotted and reduced down to a manageable level.
Rooting for you 
Thank you
I’m getting there. I thought at first it was entirely my own doing, then I’ve been gaining more and more awareness of structures and the immoral people upholding them. Life can feel like one big abusive house I’m stuck under. I know that’s not true in its entirety , but there’s no way to direct confront the perpetrators. It’s just a far reaching black cloud of systemic claustrophobic oppression. I realize the only way out is becoming strong enough so I can just shine through that black cloud wherever I go. But having that as a prerequisite for enjoying life is definitely a bitter pill to swallow.
I decided after this Regen cycle it’s continued work with seductress. I am tired of accepting “good enough” in my life. I want great things, I want my life to feel fulfilling. I know it’s going to be hard because I’m changing so much I’ve come to associate with being “me”.
I know the aspect of seductress that trips me up the most is the whole being attractive thing. But there’s so much in this sub that I love outside of that. I love the archetype portrayed in the description. I know I want that, I’d enjoy having my life feel like that. I just can’t see myself being it and that’s the painful part. And it’s so easy to say “maybe it’s just not me, maybe that’s not who I am authentically” and just give up and settle with a different sub.
Reflecting on that now, maybe that’s why I’ve had such a hard time with the sub. Every time I ran it I wouldn’t identify with that archetype as something I could realistically embody. Hoping this cycle or two of Regen shifts my feelings on that. There’s something really traumatic itself about putting a ton of work into yourself over the years and then seeing others who just thrive on a whole other level. Sometimes it feels like I’m on a dark timeline, like nothing has lined up in my life correctly and it’s always been a struggle. I just want a break.
One other thing I struggle with. I’m afraid of healing and finding something really bad in my past. I have no reason to believe there is something there, but then again my memories are really blurry. I’m trying to get past this fear.
I used to think perceiving the past as some separate life, a thing that wasn’t me was a sign of growth. Like I had grown so much I couldn’t relate to it anymore. In toxic new agey terms, I no longer resonated on that frequency or timeline. It’s just all dissociation. I wrapped it up in positivity just so I could move forward. But a harsh truth I run into again and again, there is no relief in running forward to escape the past.
Oh boy do I have some growing to keep doing
Day 2 of Regen solo.
I’m getting a growing awareness of why life has been really difficult for me. Every time I didn’t fit in, didn’t like the model of life presented to me, was so opposed my body literally fought me to do things, I blamed myself. I felt ashamed because I should be able to just fit this mold and if I couldn’t I was doing something wrong. I systematically taught myself to disregard my own intuition. My strongest and most powerful ally in life, and I didn’t cultivate it.
I never liked my options in life. Never liked trying to immerse myself in someone else’s creation for living. Im seeing I just have to build my own life, independent of what others think. That’s the only way I’ll be happy.
One of the most painful things I’ve had to deal with is the suppression of myself. Every day I deal with these sensations of being stuck. The automatic reactions, the armoring, the feeling of stress. I know these reactions are me also, but I also know there’s a different me in there I catch glimpses of.
I have had so much sadness these past two days. Just needing to cry because it hurts to just exist as myself
Hey if Ur ability to function professionally or personally is declining coz of healing, don’t hesitate to throw in glm in there. It works great for motivation for work and gives U the calm and inner peace of sanguine.
Best of luck.