Thank you 
It can feel like fighting an invisible war sometimes and drives me crazy.
But I definitely hear you. Mastering this energy is my #1 priority too. I don’t plan on being a hermit and shunning society lol. But I do want to live life on my terms.
You will — I believe it. I have the same feeling and the same wish: living life on my own terms and being able to impact society in what TRULY matters.
And you know, you’re in the right place at the right time, living and unfolding things that are so unique to your journey. 
I relate to so many things you share on the forum. I also hope you have support offline, because it helped me a lot along this journey. (actually, still does)
Thank you. I know you’ll get there too. As long as we keep moving forward it’s impossible not to.
My support system is a little weak at the moment so it has made things difficult for me. I’m trying to learn to trust people more so I’m not doing this all alone. But every supportive comment on this forum helps a lot and I really appreciate you taking the time to read my posts!
The most difficult part of change is the transition period. So here I am acknowledging all the things that make me feel bad. Ok we start letting that go. Now what? We build the new life. But you can’t look back on the past to define the future. And that’s been a really strong safety seeking behavior in me. What can I do? What was possible in the past or I struggled with and how does that apply to this currently?
It doesn’t. It never does. It’s just a limiting filter applied over everything. It seems like it’s well thought out or could benefit me but it rarely does. Instead of being open to new experiences, I cling onto what’s familiar to define my reality.
At the same time I can’t hold resentment for that or blame myself. But I do have to try to see the obstacles for what they are vs what my beliefs tell me they are. That can be really difficult.
I’ve been writing music for 10 years off and on. One of the most difficult things for me is just trying to capture my expression in the purest way. What I mean by that is I think too much about genre, what time signature, if this sound is good enough, if this section is too weird, if these ideas connect, etc. I wish I could let loose and just have something cohesive form. I’m good at little pockets of ideas and moods, but stringing it into a whole song still stumps me. I can do it if I force it, but I don’t want to have to force my music every time I write just to get something.
Next project I’m gonna just write and not worry about cohesiveness or how random something is. I’ve got so many ideas and moods inside me, they all want to express themselves at once and the music can get cluttered. I think what I’m trying to do mostly is remove this weird right vs wrong dichotomy when it comes to music because that’s screwing up my creativity and expression.
Decided I’m going to stop my cycle here, 5 days to washout, then pickup Regen solo for a month or two and come back to seductress and vibes.
I’m trying to do too much at once and I feel it. Some goals are getting hit, others not so much, but I feel overwhelmed in life. Then I feel like I’m not trying hard enough which makes me feel worse and more overwhelmed. It’s just not the way right now.
Also recently in therapy I came to a realization with some stuff and how my mind processes change. I’m reorienting myself to be in alignment with that and exploring it more. I’m trying to really listen to what I need and honor that vs pushing.
Right now does it feel good to drop seductress and vibes? No not at all. But if I look at my life and what’s needed, I’m not ready for rapid growth or change. I’m still trying to feel regulated and not burnt out.
It sucks but I have to scale back even more. This is becoming a theme for me this month. The things I thought I could handle but really can’t.
So on one hand I don’t want to fall behind. But on the other I haven’t really been progressing much in the avenues of my life that truly matter.
I know I have to take care of myself better and this is part of it.
Also in this 1-2 month period officially starting today I will not care about anything. Every single thing that has been weighing on my shoulders I give myself permission to disregard. I have my job, keeping myself fed, and enjoying life and that is literally it. If something is stressful and I absolutely don’t need to do it for survival I won’t. I’ll only engage with things on my terms and if they add a good experience.
That means showing up at my job and disengaging. Doing what’s required and that’s it. None of the weird tribal oh we have to do this, we have to do that, this is important, that customer is upset, you made a mistake here, etc. Nuh uh, it doesn’t matter. Done.
That also means not going crazy trying to get my makeup or clothes right. It’s about what feels good to me and what I like. Exploring how I want to express myself pressure free. If that means for the next 1-2 months I’m doing absolutely nothing with my appearance? That’s fine.
My goal is to calm myself, let the inner spa do its thing, and gradually learn how to do things in my life without fueling it through a stress response.
I am spite relaxing. Fuck this country,fuck the systemic inequality, and fuck the stupid games. I have had it.