There really is nothing complex about living life. It just seems complex because I just had so much go wrong in my childhood. I need to remind myself of that.
Every thought, decision, action, grants a different outcome. Unfortunately I have automatic stuff that makes it difficult. Nothing I can do there but keep deconstructing and changing. But boy do I fucking hate everything about this process.
I just realized having run seductress for 45 secs lately the recon kept coming up as a āthatās not youā type of recon. It made me feel like quitting and choosing something else, something more āmeā .
Iām so tired of this bullshit from my mind. Itās just a way to weasel out of change. Who is this illusive āmeā I keep referencing? Sheās nothing but a stack of trauma responses and poor fucking decisions throughout life. Do I really want to keep living my life that way?
Iām just so sad and upset and frustrated and I feel like being this confident seductive woman is just too pie in the sky for me and I wish it didnāt feel that way.
Back down to 30s to see if that helps. I could just fucking scream right now with everything not going right in my life.
30s of Regen and seductress today. Much more tolerable.
Just realized my negative mood lately might be the oat milk I switched to. Also the gluten Iāve been eating. I had a moment recently where I thought all these food intolerances were just manifestations of anxiety and wanted to challenge it. Nope.
So now Iām keeping a food journal. Being very observant with my body and noting anything that doesnāt feel good. Treating it with care.
But it really sucks. I just read symptoms can take 48-72 hrs to show so my mistake was thinking since I didnāt feel anything a few hours later I was good. Now I realize how itās been compounding and Iāve been feeling worse and worse.
This is gonna be rough for me. Last time I did this I reacted to a lot of things.
Me and my friend collabed on some music this past week. We also got into a deep discussion about music. Iām not good at recreating or the craft of music itself. Very often if I force myself to write something it turns out like crap because my soul has other plans. But I guess my ego gets in the way and wants to fit in with everyone else. Iām trying to be ok with whatever I write and get away from this mentality that I need to be super diverse or different vs me. I guess itās a bit like self acceptance which I also struggle with.
Speaking of self acceptance. Iāve been really struggling with family lately. As best intentioned as they are, I realize they inadvertently hurt me sometimes. A big part of my healing lately is acknowledging that the discomfort I feel with my body is like a chronic pain. But from childhood onward nobody ever payed that any mind and I was made to feel like I could just not let it get to me or focus on it so much.
Iāve realized that as a trans woman my quality of life hinges desperately on my ability to pass as a woman. Otherwise I face discrimination and Iām pushed down into the lower hierarchy of society where Iām met with poverty and struggle. I wish that wasnāt the case, but at least here in America it fucking sucks.
The worst part about all this is medically most doctors are horribly uninformed about how to treat trans individuals. Thereās almost no continuing research and society has a tendency to think āgood enoughā for our standards of care. I basically created my own treatment plan and then bounced it off the doctor to make sure there would be no health risks, but thatās about it.
Thereās a lot working against me right now and Iām just not sure how far positive thinking will get me. So Iām just trying to validate my struggles instead in hopes that maybe I can move past them and find some peace.
I can feel things circling my periphery, like sharks.
Iām afraid. I know thereās a lot of hurt and pain inside me. Iāve caught glimpses of it.
My main issue with allowing things and letting them pass. What happens when they donāt? What happens when they canāt? Thatās what I run into. People suggest feeling things fully then letting go. I just never seem to get to the letting go stage. I seem to just hurt myself more by experiencing painful stuff I donāt have the capacity to resolve.
And maybe itās not the pain itself, the experience of it. But the existence of it. Living with it, nobody really understanding, still having to exist and carry out every day tasks. A life, but a life of chronic emotional pain.
I donāt know. Still trying to figure this out.
Some things.
Iāve now had 4 people in my life tell me I look like a woman. They didnāt say it to make me feel better, they all told me I was kinda crazy for not seeing it. They all assured me they werenāt lying or exaggerating, but of course my neurotic self was like āthatās what anyone would say to make you feel betterā. Of course thatās what I want more than anything in the world, so maybe Iām scared to embrace it because I donāt want it to fall apart?
And I think about the whole ānothing has changedā sorta recon. I wonder if that extends to physical shifting and witnessing the changesā¦
In any case it puts my mind at ease that despite my VERY negative and pessimistic thinking, Iām still benefitting from seductress. Iām just always afraid I can somehow block results and get nothing and waste my time.
Because sometimes I look in the mirror and REALLY struggle with what I look like. My goal is to be able to look in the mirror everyday and like what I see. I donāt want to settle, I donāt want to feel like I can only look at myself on my best days and love who I am. I want to love myself all the time.
Other updates. Iām trying to actually see who I match with on bumble and get some light conversations going. But Iām so afraid I just have this mental block and have trouble being myself. Iām not very put together in life, like Iām trying my hardest out here but I can only do so much. Iāve been so hung up on waiting till Iām good enough to look for connection and itās such a trap.
I think itās time I put myself out there more and stop living in an echo chamber in my own head saying Iām not good enough for others. In some ways running seductress kinda sucks for me. I have all these expectations of myself. I think I have to hit all those check marks on the copy before Iām allowed to engage with anyone. I absolutely do not feel desirable in any way or exude that. I feel like Iām just failing to align with the archetype. Seductress is such an all eyes on me type sub and I just dread that type of attention. Itās really conflicting because how do you be charming, seductive, and radiant without embodying those things and letting them shine? I have trouble taking up space in life so maybe thatās part of it.
Cleaning up the absolute destruction of the internal self by other people in my life is one of the most devastating things Iāve had to grapple with.
Thereās the complicated feelings that it was all my fault and I did something wrong, the guilt of being a fully grown adult and being weighed down by childhood, and the continuing shame of when the ongoing repercussions of trauma prevent me from doing the things I know I want to do.
Itās suffocating. Not excelling or thriving. But at the same time not able to provide enough self compassion or care for myself. And then being held to a standard for everyone else, which I try not to do to myself but society does and itās really difficult not to let it get me down.
I will move past this, but I have to do it my way and say fuck society. Their way is never going to work for me and Iām sick of feeling like Iām wrong just because Iām different.
I wrote part of a track yesterday and I was a lot more present. It went through several stages which Iām seeing now is whatās making music hard for me.
Stage 1 is the inspiration. A spark or idea. This is before I get to my equipment to write.
Stage 2 is when I start to write. Playing around with instruments and trying to feel out the vibe. This is the first part where things go wrong. Iāll pick out a sound and think I have to do something more with it, that itās overused, or that I have to be unique.
Stage 3 is when I start thinking about how others will think of my music. This leads me to be less curious and wild. I try to make stuff thatās closer to what Iāve already heard to fit in. I want people to listen to my stuff and I want to be accepted as a good musician. Approval seeking that kills the spirit of my music. Things start to feel right or wrong.
Stage 4 is when Iām getting some ideas out but I donāt know how to progress the track. I get worried about trying new things and ruining the song. Iāll also overcomplicate the structure. Creating new chord progressions that donāt fit and trying to force it vs just letting that harmony stay the same.
Stage 5 is when something is forming but it doesnāt feel good enough. Instead of just finishing and expressing myself I start scrutinizing every part of it trying to figure out what needs to change. Itās an inability to accept that sometimes a song is created and itās not great. Dumping time and energy into preventing that vs moving on and using that energy for fresh inspiration is important.
By the time Iām finished writing Iām exhausted because I battle with this stuff every time. The goal is to make this process more fluid where itās inspiration ā execution.
I also realized part of my difficulty is the fact that I struggle with identifying emotions. So much of musical decisions and composition is fueled by subconscious feelings. Like do I want to express more chaotic feelings? What synth best represents that or how should the drum patterns change? Without that identifying or where do I want to go feeling itās easy for me to start defaulting to looking for the ācorrectā safe musical theory.
One of the ways I gauge progress is spontaneous comments from others. āYou have this daddy energy about you.ā (Interestingly enough, I was listening to Emperor Daddy at that time.)
Another way is peopleās nonverbal reactions. If I am running WANTED, and I walk into a store, and I notice women staring at me as I walk by (and I know they are staring at me because their heads are following me as I walk, and there are only a few other people at the store), then I know itās working.
That is quite poetic! Now, what poetry can you write in your head to undo this metaphor?
These I have, and they have been helpful:
https://www.amazon.com/Jazz-Improvisation-Theory-Practice-Cassette/dp/B01JXS6WHO
(I donāt have the cassette, though.)
These I do not have, but I would get them:
https://www.amazon.com/Music-Theory-Practice-Bruce-Benward/dp/1260493555/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0
Also, Iāve found this composer VERY insightful:
His compositional tutorials were very helpful to me!
Also, check this out:
And then there is Soviet Wave, such as:
Maybe this can give you a bit of - what ever you might need or want! 
Thanks!
Iām gonna check out those books and see which ones I can work with. I have no formal music background so traditional music theory can be a lot to digest for me.
Also funny you mention Soviet wave cuz that was the last music project I was working on. I have to get back to that project soon. But I love how that music is so simple but catchy.
I got invited to a little event this week too so Iāll see if I notice anything from others in terms of seductress.
Iām gonna contemplate that one, but itās a really good point.
Appreciate you stopping by my journal!