There really is nothing complex about living life. It just seems complex because I just had so much go wrong in my childhood. I need to remind myself of that.
Every thought, decision, action, grants a different outcome. Unfortunately I have automatic stuff that makes it difficult. Nothing I can do there but keep deconstructing and changing. But boy do I fucking hate everything about this process.
I just realized having run seductress for 45 secs lately the recon kept coming up as a āthatās not youā type of recon. It made me feel like quitting and choosing something else, something more āmeā .
Iām so tired of this bullshit from my mind. Itās just a way to weasel out of change. Who is this illusive āmeā I keep referencing? Sheās nothing but a stack of trauma responses and poor fucking decisions throughout life. Do I really want to keep living my life that way?
Iām just so sad and upset and frustrated and I feel like being this confident seductive woman is just too pie in the sky for me and I wish it didnāt feel that way.
Back down to 30s to see if that helps. I could just fucking scream right now with everything not going right in my life.
30s of Regen and seductress today. Much more tolerable.
Just realized my negative mood lately might be the oat milk I switched to. Also the gluten Iāve been eating. I had a moment recently where I thought all these food intolerances were just manifestations of anxiety and wanted to challenge it. Nope.
So now Iām keeping a food journal. Being very observant with my body and noting anything that doesnāt feel good. Treating it with care.
But it really sucks. I just read symptoms can take 48-72 hrs to show so my mistake was thinking since I didnāt feel anything a few hours later I was good. Now I realize how itās been compounding and Iāve been feeling worse and worse.
This is gonna be rough for me. Last time I did this I reacted to a lot of things.
Me and my friend collabed on some music this past week. We also got into a deep discussion about music. Iām not good at recreating or the craft of music itself. Very often if I force myself to write something it turns out like crap because my soul has other plans. But I guess my ego gets in the way and wants to fit in with everyone else. Iām trying to be ok with whatever I write and get away from this mentality that I need to be super diverse or different vs me. I guess itās a bit like self acceptance which I also struggle with.
Speaking of self acceptance. Iāve been really struggling with family lately. As best intentioned as they are, I realize they inadvertently hurt me sometimes. A big part of my healing lately is acknowledging that the discomfort I feel with my body is like a chronic pain. But from childhood onward nobody ever payed that any mind and I was made to feel like I could just not let it get to me or focus on it so much.
Iāve realized that as a trans woman my quality of life hinges desperately on my ability to pass as a woman. Otherwise I face discrimination and Iām pushed down into the lower hierarchy of society where Iām met with poverty and struggle. I wish that wasnāt the case, but at least here in America it fucking sucks.
The worst part about all this is medically most doctors are horribly uninformed about how to treat trans individuals. Thereās almost no continuing research and society has a tendency to think āgood enoughā for our standards of care. I basically created my own treatment plan and then bounced it off the doctor to make sure there would be no health risks, but thatās about it.
Thereās a lot working against me right now and Iām just not sure how far positive thinking will get me. So Iām just trying to validate my struggles instead in hopes that maybe I can move past them and find some peace.
I can feel things circling my periphery, like sharks.
Iām afraid. I know thereās a lot of hurt and pain inside me. Iāve caught glimpses of it.
My main issue with allowing things and letting them pass. What happens when they donāt? What happens when they canāt? Thatās what I run into. People suggest feeling things fully then letting go. I just never seem to get to the letting go stage. I seem to just hurt myself more by experiencing painful stuff I donāt have the capacity to resolve.
And maybe itās not the pain itself, the experience of it. But the existence of it. Living with it, nobody really understanding, still having to exist and carry out every day tasks. A life, but a life of chronic emotional pain.
I donāt know. Still trying to figure this out.
Some things.
Iāve now had 4 people in my life tell me I look like a woman. They didnāt say it to make me feel better, they all told me I was kinda crazy for not seeing it. They all assured me they werenāt lying or exaggerating, but of course my neurotic self was like āthatās what anyone would say to make you feel betterā. Of course thatās what I want more than anything in the world, so maybe Iām scared to embrace it because I donāt want it to fall apart?
And I think about the whole ānothing has changedā sorta recon. I wonder if that extends to physical shifting and witnessing the changesā¦
In any case it puts my mind at ease that despite my VERY negative and pessimistic thinking, Iām still benefitting from seductress. Iām just always afraid I can somehow block results and get nothing and waste my time.
Because sometimes I look in the mirror and REALLY struggle with what I look like. My goal is to be able to look in the mirror everyday and like what I see. I donāt want to settle, I donāt want to feel like I can only look at myself on my best days and love who I am. I want to love myself all the time.
Other updates. Iām trying to actually see who I match with on bumble and get some light conversations going. But Iām so afraid I just have this mental block and have trouble being myself. Iām not very put together in life, like Iām trying my hardest out here but I can only do so much. Iāve been so hung up on waiting till Iām good enough to look for connection and itās such a trap.
I think itās time I put myself out there more and stop living in an echo chamber in my own head saying Iām not good enough for others. In some ways running seductress kinda sucks for me. I have all these expectations of myself. I think I have to hit all those check marks on the copy before Iām allowed to engage with anyone. I absolutely do not feel desirable in any way or exude that. I feel like Iām just failing to align with the archetype. Seductress is such an all eyes on me type sub and I just dread that type of attention. Itās really conflicting because how do you be charming, seductive, and radiant without embodying those things and letting them shine? I have trouble taking up space in life so maybe thatās part of it.
Cleaning up the absolute destruction of the internal self by other people in my life is one of the most devastating things Iāve had to grapple with.
Thereās the complicated feelings that it was all my fault and I did something wrong, the guilt of being a fully grown adult and being weighed down by childhood, and the continuing shame of when the ongoing repercussions of trauma prevent me from doing the things I know I want to do.
Itās suffocating. Not excelling or thriving. But at the same time not able to provide enough self compassion or care for myself. And then being held to a standard for everyone else, which I try not to do to myself but society does and itās really difficult not to let it get me down.
I will move past this, but I have to do it my way and say fuck society. Their way is never going to work for me and Iām sick of feeling like Iām wrong just because Iām different.
I wrote part of a track yesterday and I was a lot more present. It went through several stages which Iām seeing now is whatās making music hard for me.
Stage 1 is the inspiration. A spark or idea. This is before I get to my equipment to write.
Stage 2 is when I start to write. Playing around with instruments and trying to feel out the vibe. This is the first part where things go wrong. Iāll pick out a sound and think I have to do something more with it, that itās overused, or that I have to be unique.
Stage 3 is when I start thinking about how others will think of my music. This leads me to be less curious and wild. I try to make stuff thatās closer to what Iāve already heard to fit in. I want people to listen to my stuff and I want to be accepted as a good musician. Approval seeking that kills the spirit of my music. Things start to feel right or wrong.
Stage 4 is when Iām getting some ideas out but I donāt know how to progress the track. I get worried about trying new things and ruining the song. Iāll also overcomplicate the structure. Creating new chord progressions that donāt fit and trying to force it vs just letting that harmony stay the same.
Stage 5 is when something is forming but it doesnāt feel good enough. Instead of just finishing and expressing myself I start scrutinizing every part of it trying to figure out what needs to change. Itās an inability to accept that sometimes a song is created and itās not great. Dumping time and energy into preventing that vs moving on and using that energy for fresh inspiration is important.
By the time Iām finished writing Iām exhausted because I battle with this stuff every time. The goal is to make this process more fluid where itās inspiration ā execution.
I also realized part of my difficulty is the fact that I struggle with identifying emotions. So much of musical decisions and composition is fueled by subconscious feelings. Like do I want to express more chaotic feelings? What synth best represents that or how should the drum patterns change? Without that identifying or where do I want to go feeling itās easy for me to start defaulting to looking for the ācorrectā safe musical theory.
One of the ways I gauge progress is spontaneous comments from others. āYou have this daddy energy about you.ā (Interestingly enough, I was listening to Emperor Daddy at that time.)
Another way is peopleās nonverbal reactions. If I am running WANTED, and I walk into a store, and I notice women staring at me as I walk by (and I know they are staring at me because their heads are following me as I walk, and there are only a few other people at the store), then I know itās working.
That is quite poetic! Now, what poetry can you write in your head to undo this metaphor?
These I have, and they have been helpful:
https://www.amazon.com/Jazz-Improvisation-Theory-Practice-Cassette/dp/B01JXS6WHO
(I donāt have the cassette, though.)
These I do not have, but I would get them:
https://www.amazon.com/Music-Theory-Practice-Bruce-Benward/dp/1260493555/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0
Also, Iāve found this composer VERY insightful:
His compositional tutorials were very helpful to me!
Also, check this out:
And then there is Soviet Wave, such as:
Maybe this can give you a bit of - what ever you might need or want! 
Thanks!
Iām gonna check out those books and see which ones I can work with. I have no formal music background so traditional music theory can be a lot to digest for me.
Also funny you mention Soviet wave cuz that was the last music project I was working on. I have to get back to that project soon. But I love how that music is so simple but catchy.
I got invited to a little event this week too so Iāll see if I notice anything from others in terms of seductress.
Iām gonna contemplate that one, but itās a really good point.
Appreciate you stopping by my journal!
Vibes does a surprising amount of digging in me emotion wise.
Iāve bounced back and forth with the whole I want to have a deeper engaging lifestyle around music. I always listened to others around me. The people who said if you turn it into a career it will ruin it, the people who said itās better to get a higher paying job and do music on the side, and the people who just constantly say itās not a realistic goal.
And I told myself, yeah I donāt really want that. I squashed my passion and creativity, dulled it out so that deep spiritual need to create wasnāt at odds with my life path. Or that I didnāt feel like a loser for chasing a dream like that and speaking about it around others.
Here I am, years later. My āsafeā career path turned out to be incredibly harmful to my mental health. I have no long term plans for how to pivot career wise. At this point Iām just like fuck it, run vibes, make more music, see what happens from there. I have to try. Iād regret it for the rest of my life if I didnāt.
I need to find my spark again. I killed it for my own self preservation and convinced myself it wasnāt real or ever a thing. I listened to everyone over myself. Even in the end if this never goes anywhere Iād still feel better that I started following my own wants and desires vs listening to everyone else.
Self preservation is a killer. All childhood validation stuff.
Still blows my mind sometimes learning other people donāt experience self preservation to that extent where it feels like you cease to exist.
And itās not like a light switch that can just be flicked on. It takes practice being yourself. Actual dedicated mental energy to commit to who you are.
Having recon, if anyone reads this would appreciate some thoughts!
Seductress isnāt entirely sex focused, but its heavy on seduction and Iām starting to feel that itās clashing with me a bit. Itās not that I have no interest in sex or romance, Iām just so uncomfortable in my body I really canāt get over feeling like Iām too ugly for anyone. Even if I push past this and go on dates with people who find me attractive, I know Iām going to struggle with intimacy. And tbh Iām worried about getting pressured by others and having trauma responses make me act in ways I absolutely do not want to. Iām not gonna get into it, but there are a lot of not so great people that insert themselves in lgbtq communities just so they have easy access to people who may have more vulnerabilities to exploit. Disgusting typing that out, but itās a reality I have to live with and be mindful of.
I just want to meet people who will be gentle with me and understand I have a lot of walls up. Itās hard not having typical relationship patterns everyone expects and I canāt just fix it all at once. I am trying, Iām doing everything I can, but I still struggle a lot and I need someone who understands that.
Iām not ready for a long term partner. I just want to have fun and date and learn myself more and get more experience. I donāt know if thatās bad, I donāt know if thatās a genuine desire or a way to avoid intimacy.
So this has me at a crossroads. I can stay on seductress and keep moving forward with these issues. Or I can switch to HoT focus on myself and being comfortable in my body while pursuing my music and taking care of me. One of those (HoT) feels safer, but again Iām wondering if thatās just me avoiding intimacy and human connection and going back to my self isolation ways.
Idk itās like I should take care of myself, yes. But at the same time that requires doing things differently right? Vs the same old crap that results in the same outcome.
Ughhhhhh. Iām also questioning if Iām actually bisexual or if Iām just more comfortable around women than men and trying to force attraction there because it feels safer. I donāt know anymore and it feels like one of those things where I just need to experience it to know better.
Have you run Love Bomb before? Not to suggest a stack change at this point, but a 1-2 cycle run in the future might help with feeling a higher level of comfort in your body.
Sometimes, even when Iām not running a title, I like reading through the discussion thread for it and āscanningā for recon almost. Someone posts about an issue getting brought up? What feelings does it invoke in me? Do I just want to hurry and move on to the next message, or am I able to internalize their growth to mirror my own? My results also tend to mirror the thread Iām reading at the moment too, kind of similar to the proxy results thing we talked about.
Running Wanted felt good to me at first, until I suddenly woke up one day with the strongest urge to switch it outā¦ that I actually listened to. I gave it up and started trial running a few of the more self-love based titles alongside Regeneration, which honestly felt really good. With WDB out now, my results have been much better, and I just feel much better too. I honestly donāt think Iād have gotten them if I hadnāt taken the time to go inward. I went deep into exploring my own inner landscape, which parts of me needed love, and why I was so focused on running an attraction title. Weāre all different, so Iām not sure how your subconscious will choose to approach it, but for me, my nerves around dealing with people that I thought I had gotten rid of came to the forefront. I spent about two weeks just caring about myself and talking to my inner child, because our inner children would be insanely proud of us and the trajectories weāre on. To even have the courage to fight such strong patterns that have been ingrained in us from the start. Receiving and truly feeling love felt wrong to me when I was younger so I physically blocked out its perception. It took perceiving and feeling it from myself before I could finally open up to the world again, which is probably what my subconscious was trying to communicate to me during my Wanted run.
All of this to say, I think the emotional reaction youāre getting may be highlighting exactly the area your mind wants you to go. You said youāre feeling uncomfortable in your body, and worried about potential trauma responses resurfacing and the walls that you have up. Do these reflect the ways youāve been shown conditional love in the past? Why are those walls specifically there, what situations are they still there trying to present? From there, itās a matter of finding your own new way to prevent those situations. Finding a title that specializes may help, but having Regen already is more than enough. Then, itās about just comforting your inner child and showing them both the growth and new protection youāve made for them. āLook, you can exist freely now. Iām at the point where I can protect you, you donāt need this specific wall anymore. You can be more of yourself.ā
Sorry if everything I said was completely off-base, but I think that if youāre at the point where your recon is bringing up issues with this level of clarity, youāre very close to reaching profound change. You made it to a point where now your subconscious has to throw your deepest insecurities at you to get you to stop, youāre at a point where youāre threatening that deep of a subconscious structure. Iām looking forward to reading more of your journey here, no matter where you decide to go!
Perhaps these might be helpful:
Kate Bush
Bjork Bjƶrk
Iāll have to read my love bomb experiences again. Itās a hard title for me to run. The direct approach to love made me feel bad. I donāt know if it would be different this time around. Something to consider for myself thank you.
Appreciate your thoughts though. I totally get where youāre coming from with the inner child thing. But if Iām honest that inner child knows I canāt protect them. I do my best sure, but deep down they are aware itās not safe. I guess thatās the struggle. Iāve made a lot of promises to do things different or build a better life that have failed. Itās going to take a lot of trust rebuilding.
I worked with my therapist today on some stuff. Talked about inner child things. Came to the realization that thereās a very big split and I tend to bulldoze my way through life. But thatās left my inner child neglected.
So part of repairing my relationship was going to the mall and she could pick out any toys or fun stuff. Also got some candy and snacks. Itās kind of an apology for the really bad days weāve had at the job.
I feel like this is the closest Iāve ever been to starting to repair this relationship. It is really sad. I realized itās just a direct reflection of how I was treated by my parents.
She gets really scared and overwhelmed easily and for so many years Iāve just been like āget used to it thatās lifeā. Which is horrible.
I guess I conflated in my head being an adult means more self neglect and just getting on with things. Which is a wild concept considering how damaging that is.
I have all this knowledge you know? Understanding what is healthy, emotional regulation, self care. But I have this tendency to think Iām further along than I am. That I can just skip right over all of it because intellectually I get it.
And I canāt skip it. And the more I try to do that the more I stray from any type of foundation and more towards short term bursts of pushing past things to survive another day.
Been thinking about money and stuff.
Iāve basically had a toxic relationship with money. It provides a false sense of safety.
What I really want. Is that sense of safety independent of money.
I acknowledge my privilege, having never been in extreme poverty. However that has set up a fear in my mind of being afraid to end up there and makes me inflexible.
Money is the tightrope I walk between ending up homeless or in a rough situation. I also canāt help but feel people know this and exploit it here in the US. Having health insurance tied to a job, it forces you to maintain the capitalist machine. There is no social safety net.
I want to give the middle finger to those exploitative individuals. I want fuck you money energy without the money. Cuz if Iām honest I donāt have the desire to put into anything to generate more money. I am so indifferent to money because every avenue Iāve looked at just corrupts the initial idea. I need to reframe that, that I can make money while still being aligned with my life. I havenāt been able to nail that yet. It just feels like a fairy tale tbh and maybe thatās part of the problem. It doesnāt help most people you talk to just go on about āoh yeah thatās life, everyone has to deal with thatā. NOT ME!!! I am tired of this shit. If Iām 1 in 50 people that does things different Iām good with that, Iām not gonna stop until I figure out how to make this work on my terms not bending to society
Youāre not alone in these things. Iāve been reading your posts lately and honestly felt a strong desire to say this. Sending love from another country. 
You know, I wonāt bend either ā but I also need to make this energy work in my favor.