Yesterday and today Ive been playing guitar for several hours, just randomly and suddenly some ideas appear and Ive recorded them.
They are pretty basic ideas, but recording them its a way to keep them, so I can revisit them later.
Theres also tons of sexual energy flowing within me… which is a challenge when you just broke up a relationship.
The hardest part is feeling lonely… not having someone to talk to, to watch tv with, to share a meal or any stupid thing you think of during the day.
Im not coping with that in the healthiest way possible, but Im doing farely well.
Something keeps reminding me that all the good things I lived with her arent worth it, if the price is I have to go through one of the real bad ones again, or even living in the constant stress that one might occur at any single moment.
The sadness melts away right after that revelation of the obvious.
Interestingly right after posting I realized that I was trying to hold on to the beautiful side of the relationship, in order to avoid sinking in the sad, lonely feeling.
Theres nothing wrong with feeling sad.
Feel, observe, let go, move on…
That tension between the parts of us that like (or need) to see and feel things in passionate extremes and absolutes, and the parts of us that see nuance, exceptions, and details.
All of those parts are necessary; but sometimes they fight.
Day#5
KB st1 × 5 minutes
Phoenix × 3 minutes
Theres something really scary for me about change and growth, this stack is definitely bringing it to the surface this morning.
This is gonna be a quite interesting weekend.
Pretty enlightening interviews
30 minutes ago I was listening to music and it trigger the memory from last sunday and I began to cry… I just went with it for a while.
10 minutes later I was boxing for the first time in more than a year and a half maybe.
It went pretty smoothly, I had more endurance and energy than what I thought. KB perhaps?
Now Im tired and sweaty, but very relaxed.
So… Im playing guitar, went back to boxing. Now I just need to make myself some money.
Im far too old to let myself go into a depression… Time is too scarce and life goes by too quickly… I better get a good taste of it before its too late.
On this cycle I made a conscious decision to pause my custom for 2 reasons, the first is that it has Ethereal Presence, Transcendental Connection and Entranced. All of those modules are attractans and I want to become “invisible” to my ex. For the same reason Im not gonna run WB, PS or the new HS.
The second reason is so I can focus on healing, the break up is showing me a lot of unresolved issues that I dont wanna bring with me into the future.
For the last hour Ive been playing guitar and I got to have one of lifes greatest pleasures. I was jamming mindlessly and suddenly I got into the flow of the music… ideas just came out of me without having to think at all, while I felt joy and connection… becoming one with the instrument… a channel of pure self expression.
“Write your Sad times in Sand,
Write your Good times in Stone”.
George Bernard Shaw.
Day#7
KB × 5 minutes
Phoenix × 6 minutes
I listened to KB first and the stress and tension immediately began to melt away. I have no idea what I dreamt last night, but I woke up feeling tight and uneasy.
I gotta admit that the levels of emotional regulation Im getting from Phoenix are quite impressive.
I get sad or angry at different times when I remember the break up, but when it comes to make decisions or communicate with my ex, its pretty easy to enter a balanced emotional state and find words that exactly expresses my point and dont prime any negative responses.
After almost 24 hours of what can only be described as infernal sex drive, I decided to do a bit of micro cosmic orbit… Im feeling much centered now.
Sexual energy with KB is on overdrive!!
I did a couple of extra rounds of boxing… KB is giving me lots of energy and if Im not using it, I feel a bit restless (and horny af).
Day#9
KB × 6 minutes
Phoenix × 4 minutes.
I woke up pretty tired so maybe Ill get some more sleep.
Sexual energy is more balanced this morning, but I need to take extra measures to keep it in line.
Some meditation will work good, also more boxing and emotional self expression through music, but specially saying what I feel and dont let fear stop me… Thats the Phoenix right there.
Things are looking brighter and the paths are opening.
Since starting Phoenix Ive been experiencing a lot of fears and worries, my stomach hurts on and off during the day.
The good thing is Im becoming aware of the triggers and Im doing what I can to overcome my situation.
Peace, happiness, and healing to you, brother.
Day#11
Im kinda depressed since yesterday afternoon, I just wanna stay in bed all day.
Of course Im not gonna indulge in that.
KB × 5 minutes
Phoenix × 5
Thank you! Im just in a phase in which it seems that all of those things are unattainable for me.
I know Im processing old, deep unresolved crap though, so I should be fine eventually.
I hear you.
Am going through some real stuff right now myself.
Just know that whatever else is going on, there are actual, real live people wishing the best for you and sending you energy of determination.
Those life challenges, right?! Gotta love them 
I believe in you man, you got this!!
I just want someone to hold me and tell me I am a good person… just writing this is making me cry.