Hope you are doing better now.
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If you are talking about the migraines… I am better, but not good… thank you. Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment.
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Yesterday I was still beaten up by the headache… and also today, although it feels more like the hungover from the migraine. I havent listen to any sub since last thursday.
Today I have an appointment for a brain MRI, even though the doctor said yesterday that there are no signs of a neurological disorder or whatever, the exam is more of a precaution and for peace of mind.
Yesterday I realized that I was carrying massive amounts of guilt and that was eating me up.
The exam results will be ready in 1 to 3 days… I believe I will be clear headed enough by then to make a decision about what to do from now on, definitely I need a different approach.
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MRI came out allright.
Headache has been bothering me intermittently everyday, but today I got a massive understanding of the cause and at the same time I felt a profound relief. Theres nothing I can do to change the outside circumstances, because Ive already made an arrangement and gave my word. I have to wait 2 more months to finish that issue… nothing more for me to do than to trust the process.
Still washing out, now for 9 days… Maybe I’ll do 14… Im already getting the feel for what to do next.
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Glad to hear it.
And have a good washout.
These days I play 3 days a week for about a month, then I take 10 days off non-listening before starting up again.
Just started that today, so I’ll join you on a little washout.
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Thanks!!
Sounds like a great plan!!
On my side today I have a bit of a headache again and that puts me off of subs, not saying they are a cause, I know what the cause is, at least one of them.
So my washout at the moments depends in having at least 3 days fully free of headache, doesnt matter how small it might be.
Today is my second day without coffee and Im reducing dairy too.
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Working plan for next cycle…
DR Red st2: after 2 cycles of st1 and reading the description of st2, its obvious to me that the only road worth pursuing is through the pain and fear onto the other side.
This is the only sub that has a sure spot in my stack for now.
LB: this title could be used as secondary aid and with much less exposure. This is going to be like the 5th cycle with LB and for now Im still not sure whether or not I do really need to add it.
PS: In the previous cycle PS really helped me to pick my ass out of the hole and to focus a bit the dragon power into issues about masculinity and relationships which was exactly what I needed.
This title is “under consideration” also.
Possible starting date tomorrow.
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Back in the game after the longer washout Ive done since I remember… 2 weeks.
Dragon Reborn Red st2 × 1:30 minutes
Primal Seduction × 1 minute.
Last night I had a very profound and interesting experience that convinced me to start today and with PS.
I might write about it later.
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How are you?
Have you considered taking perhaps a 14 day washout?
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Doing much better, Thank you!! How are you man?
Thats exactly what I did… 2 weeks off.
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Yesterday being my first day of DR st2 I felt really restless and binged in sugar… I ate enough candy for a month.
Today Im feeling much quieter.
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Good. My 5 day washout/rest flew by.
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Yesterday I did my 2nd loop of DR Red st2 and PS, today for the very first time in 3 weeks (maybe a bit more) Im feeling amazing.
I woke up and some kind of weight was lifted and I found myself thinking about beautiful things.
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The levels of anxiety I experience everyday are off the charts… I want to drink alcohol everyday, but binge on sweets most of the time. I got really drunk last friday.
I must be digging on something really deep and scary, I really hope I have the strength to go all the way and not quit.
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Stay on the path, brother. I believe in you!
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I had the most awful dream last night…
I was lying in my death bed with a terminal disease and my ex visited me. She started saying that I could get better, that I was going to make it, at that exact moment I started crying and said… I want it to be over… I want to die.
I woke up at that exact moment crying and with a deep sense of worthlessness, only to fell asleep again minutes later.
Curiously enough today Ive been feeling a bit better, more decided on what I want and how to get it.
No shit!! 
Its been a very hard and dark ride… Sometimes feeling very hopeless and helpless, but somehow I keep pushing through. Theres a feeling of “going in circles” repeating the same issues over and over again, a feeling that things never really get resolved. That makes it extra hard.
Its seems to me that I forget my wins to easily and punish myself to hard for what I cant do or havent done yet, to the point in which I freeze in life.
I remember being a kid or a teen, wondering how would it feel like to be someone else… to have someone elses life. I just never really liked to be me… Always looking for ways to escape reality… through music, alcohol, drugs and later in life sex too.
Well writing this gave me a lot of clarity… Ive been focusing too much on the details, on the specifics and not noticing the big picture.
Self Imposed Pain
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I feel rested, happy and in a great mood for the first time in a long time.
Approaching the end of the cycle and getting ready for DR st3.
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How are you?
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Hey man! Well it goes up and down, feeling kind of down right now.
Thanks for asking!
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Last night I had my “letting go in peace” dream and today I feel much lighter.
Anyways alcohol has been a strugle for me as a cope for pain and loneliness.
I started training Systema last week, Im getting fat and I spend too much time alone between 4 walls…
I need movement, exercise and socializing. Systema is something I wanted to learn for years and nobody teached it in my city… Last week in one of those funny coincidences I discovered a new school 200 mts away from my house, went for a free testing class and loved it.
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