I did about 20 minutes of Microcosmic Orbit to balance and replenish my energy.
Sleeping is all I need right now.
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Day#13
Phoenix × 4 minutes
KB × 5 minutes
Its pretty early still, Im gonna do the Microcosmic Orbit meditation and get some more sleep.
Im not fully recovered yet, not physically, nor emotionally, but Im getting there.
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Yesterday I was feeling sorry and sad for my ex and tried to suppress those feelings, until I reach an understanding… I was becoming empathic with her situation, but I was judging the experience negatively instead of just observing it.
It became obvious to me that every time that I was able to really forgive someone and let go, first I need to put myself into their shoes and gain perspective.
So now Im allowing this to happen.
Later I was feeling really horny and craving for her body, we had sex 2 times on the days after the breakup, but then I began telling her no because afterwards I just felt empty, so I never went back again.
Now I understand that what I really miss isnt only the sex, but the intimacy… Just having sex doesnt provide me with that and both times we did it, then she began talking about anything and I immediately felt awkward, realizing something is broken, broken beyond repair.
I am able to really forgive her and move on with my life, in fact Im determined to do so, but theres nothing more for me in there… Theres nothing more for her either, she just doesnt realize it yet.
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After exactly 1 month doing the Microcosmic Orbit twice a day (about 20 minutes each time), I arrived at the stage in which I could feel the energy moving and flowing all on its own, without me having to move it to the next spot.
It moved all around in the Orbit by itself and it felt (still does) as if it was lava, burning hot, like a river of flames.
KB surely is triggering lots of sexual energy.
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Day#15
KB × 6 minutes
Heartsong × 3 minutes
Yesterday was tough, I missed my ex a lot. I know is bound to happen every now an then and that its getting better.
Whats surprising though is that theres an inner strenght, that keeps me from doing anything that I could later regret.
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The last couple of days I experienced a lot of recon in the form of neediness. I was needing love, attention and affection, fortunately I didnt do anything stupid that I could regret later.
This whole experience led me to conclude that its on my best interest to be free of neediness, if I want something in the future, whether it is a relationships or any type of adventure, it has to be an honest choice… It has to be because I want to and when I want it to, not to try to fill an emotional sense of lacking.
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The feeling of loneliness runs very deep.
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Day#17
KB × 10 minutes
Phoenix × 1 minute.
Since I started the Microcosmic Orbit a bit over a month ago, my perception of the energy has been getting progressively more refined. The energy is getting more intense, more electric and hotter.
Thats it until today, in which the energy was really magnetic, watery and cool. Instead of moving powerfully, it quietly and peacefully moves.
At first this change kind of put me off, but then it began making sense in relation with a series of changes I decided to make yesterday. Basically I was being controlled by sexual impulses and that had me very open to manipulation, I decided to take ownership of my sexual power.
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It never cease to amaze me how we play games to deceive ourselves and play into our delusion, sometimes to the extent to deliberately discard information, cause it doesnt fit what we want to be the case.
Its making me smile, I feel free of such a big weight.
By the way, at this very moment Im experiencing some sort of ecstatic trance revelation.
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Sometimes Im way more stupid than what I give myself credit for 
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Ive been removing a lot of blinders lately, understanding things I couldnt before, accepting things that were to painful before, to be able to even admit the possibility that they were true.
Now its time to pick up the pieces and continue to heal the wounds. I was and still am to a dregree, traumatized, hurt and under the influence of a highly manipulative woman with BPD.
Im on recovery… but its impressive the degree to wich I was in negation of my situation, trying to convince myself that I had the upper hand, that I was in control of myself and had the ability to deal with whatever she threw at me.
The truth is Im way more hurt than what I thought and I need to protect myself as much as possible while I heal myself.
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And this, ironically, is wisdom.
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I woke up and did a 40 minutes Microcosmic Orbit meditation and now Im ready to go on about my day.
Admitting to my weaknesses yesterday have me feeling very liberated and with a sense of power, power to actually make a difference.
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Things are running pretty smoothly… even more than I anticipated.
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Boy do I feel relieved… Ive been purging lots of negativity and trauma these last 3 days.
Ive just did 35 minutes of microcosmic Orbit, which in combination with KB its simply amazing.
Feeling sky high right now.
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Day#19
Phoenix × 5 minutes
KB × 5 minutes
I decided to go to KB st2 on the next cycle with HS. 2 cycles of st1 with Phoenix has done a pretty solid work.
Im gonna read st2 description right now and get some more sleep.
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Ended up doing almost 40 minutes of Microcosmic Orbit, too late now to sleep again.
Ive been wondering about different fears I got and how they have been mutating, transforming, releasing and giving space to other hidden ones to manifest into consciousness.
Last night while meditating a fear just popped out and automatically vanished as I became aware of it, it was something related to authority figures and feeling powerless and alone.
Now Im contemplating that I care too much about what some people might think of me, wheter they approve of me or not and that leads me to accept their narrative and manipulation, or sometimes it triggers me to defend myself and explain things that I do not really want to share, that are not really of their business.
On the other hand thats the same reason/fear that many times makes me think and use manipulation tactics to get what I want, because Im afraid theres no other way of getting it, or that I would be shamed or punished for simply asking or acting in alignment with what I want.
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Yesterday I met with my ex downtown for lunch… she said I look different, like before the fight and the break up, she also said I look like Im not longer in love with her. Both things are pretty precise feedback that Im actually doing some deep, thorough healing.
I also noticed something very important at that lunch, that took me some hours to really process and release.
I was mourning an idealized version of her, suffering cause I wont have that anymore and blaming her for changing, but in reality that version of her only existed in my mind and gave me anger to see her and notice how different she behaved.
Ive released that image of her and accepted the fact that I never fully loved her exactly as she is, I was always in some part of my mind hoping that she became more and more like I wanted her to be and trying to deny myself that other aspects of her personality were real.
She told me that I stopped loving her a long time ago, I replied by saying that I loved her in the only way I was capable of.
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Forgot to say that she downplayed her own responsibility, minimizing its effects and scope, while focusing on exposing, maximizing and distorting things to make them appear as flaws of mine… all of this in a very calmed way… I fell for it at first, late it pissed me off.
She is relentless when doing this, but I dont resent her anymore, she doesnt even realize what she does, she really believes her own thoughts and has a lot of trouble even considering the remote possibility that she might be wrong.
When I cooled down I said fuck it… Theres no need to explain anything… I own my shit and fix it, shes free to do whatever linguistic magic she wants to feel better.
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I had a kind of obsession with sex for the last 4 weeks or so, on the last 3 or 4 days its been melting away…
Considering my last 2 posts, I can understand why I experienced that and whats the reason its melting away.
Khan Black is pretty amazing for enhancing emotional tramsmutation techniques and giving awaress on how emotions operate in the body, at the same time that it makes it easier to manipulate my internal landscape, emotionally/energetically.
Phoenix is awesome when it comes to gain awareness of the core issues that needs to be resolved and to have the will to go through hell and fire to achieve resolution.
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