I never processed these emotions until now…Never had the tools to do so.
I talked out my memories, the ones with emotional charge.
I asked myself “Ok, I am feeling this way…what is my body wanting to do?” When I practice this, my behaviors are like: 1) put up my arms in a guard position 2) cry, 3) put my head down and shrug up my shoulders, 4) look for reciprocation from another human for emotions, 5) wanting to hang out with someone just for human contact/exposure, 6) the need for intimacy, 7) have my personal stash of funds that no one else can touch or take away from me (hoarding resources), 8) curl up into a ball with my quarters, 9) smell dollar bills, 10) sheer loneliness, - before maybe I would hold myself in a self-hug, but now I can deal with it with out showing it outwardly…but my voice tones don’t lie and at times, the loneliness leaks through.
Another observation:
When I think spontaneously: “Oh I should go do that thing, I should go try that, it will be good for me.”
I am met with that same inner resistence. A calcified shame, frustation, anger, like a corner injured dog…and then I end up doing nothing, not pursuing the thought that can be executed into a productive action.
I think this is related to how my parents/others mannipulated me over the years…even if I tell myself to go do something, I fight back with the same reluctance and defensiveness as if someone else told me to do it.
