I have the same escapist feeling all the time, and indeed it should be due to a trauma that hasn’t been resolved, and its expressed through addictive behaviours like overeating.
I spent some time today walking and ruminating on my feelings.
I am avoiding my data science coach’s opportunities because I don’t want to hurt my current working environment. I have to accept that change will be painful.
I also had a thought that my goals will take forever to accomplish. I was thinking that I will take another 10 years just to become a data scientist and by the time I reach any goal worthwhile, I will be an old man with no energy.
This is a false thought. I have secret weapons now. I have QL. I have my flash cards. I have a circle of strong friends. I have the aura of self love. I have the discipline from my martial arts…
It is only a matter of time… Onwards.
Also, I bought a hard copy of “Objective Secure”. Nick Lavery man, what a G.
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Dreamt a couple of things. Very lucid dream tonight.
- I was saving little girl from the highway/street before she gets herself killed as she strolled into traffic. Bus driver gives me free bus ticket that I secretly wished for but went to pay anyway.
- Taking little girl to school, tornado by the gate, I knew here that I was dreaming. I told myself ok, make the tornado go away I just want to get the girl past this. Magically, the tornado goes away.
- I start jumping really high to get someone’s attention in the school to open the door
- Once I am in, the school turns into a club like setting with hot women and competitive dudes. I show off my high jump skills, thinking all eyes on me.
Super lucid dream. I knew I was dreaming at one point, and commanded my dream to get better. Pretty neat.
Ok, time to study. Goals don’t wait. I have the opportunity to make my waking dream come true too.
4/20/2023
Just watched a bunch of videos on real estate investing. Turning current cash into equity seems like the long term play. I’ll have to build out flash cards on real estate investing, considering I work in the field. I should be a subject matter expert if this is going to be a long term goal. (EOG and RICH working their magic? lol)
4/20/2023
I want to express some gratitude to you all. Gratitude for life, and others. I dedicate this post to growth. Growth happens. Maturation happens. Till the soil, deliver the proper nutrition and sunlight. There is a way up and out of our unhappy circumstances. I’m grateful to you all. Grateful to those who contributed. And grateful for anyone pushing themselves in their lives. We got one life to live. Death is always waiting around the corner. Time to live the best life possible before the time runs out.
It has been 10 months since I started using subs. When I started, I was a degenerate as per below:
- Smoking vapes, nicotine addiction
- Poorly sleeping
- I was overweight
- I had no discipline
- I was smoking weed to excess
- I was drinking weekly sometimes to excess
- I was not working out
- I was on YouTube everyday for hours on end
- My work life and desk was a mess. Papers everywhere.
- My room was a mess. Shit everywhere.
- I was unable to articulate my thoughts properly
- I was highly impulsive
- I was waking up at 6:30AM - 7:30AM and constantly stressing on how I will get to work late
- I was in a constant state of stress
10 Months later, as of today…
- I woke up at 5:05AM. Today was a bad day. I snoozed my alarm from 4:00AM till 5:00AM
- I sleep early, get vivid REM dreams.
- I am 3 months deep into martial arts. 2 more months until I get my first belt test.
- I have better coaches in my life.
- I am not smoking or drinking, even though the urges are still there.
- My room is organized 80% of the time.
- I just remodeled my bathroom. Currently remodeling my old room.
- I waste very little time on Youtube.
- My study habits currently are modeled after those who study in IVY leagues.
- Everyday I am honing myself and finding better systems and ideas to execute on.
- I hold my friends accountable and they hold me accountable.
- My desk at work is clean and organized.
- Currently I am hunting down all the traumas and limiting beliefs about my life and trajectory,
- Lost 30 lbs. 3 more lbs until my target weight.
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strong, this recon is.
4/23/2023
I ran QL ST1, DR ST1 + 2, EOG ST1 Friday night.
Saturday, I was in (and am still feeling to a lesser extent) a state of limbo
I knew that there was some deep unresolved emotion lying under the waves of consciousness. I didn’t know how deep it went.
I’m not going to lie. I have been feeling certain feelings to commiting to a task, to a job, to things I want to do. There would always be this resistence and I would feel it in my chest and for years…literally years I would wonder what the heck is that feeling…
Yesterday I found it. Unresolved greif over the death of a girl I liked back when I was 13-14. My first crush, first postive emotions. I was carrying this calcified sadness for years.
The moment I found this yesterday, the flood gate opened. I lost track of time. It was raw.
My hesitation towards my goals stemmed from this pain. What if I lose the person/goal/job? What if it was all for nothing? Fear of others dying, fear of my own self dying.
I knew that I hit the motherload. The urge to smoke was intense. I watched youtube videos, ate sugary foods, watched porn…literally anything to distract me from the pain.
I did not smoke or drink alcohol last night. Just stayed with the feelings and observed them.
I’m grateful for this emotion hiding in the midst. I’m glad I found it now rather than 10 years from now…
Had no energy all of yesterday. Hella draining emotion, this greif stuff is. What a bummer lol.
I will rebound soon enough. Just wanted to share.
DR is a helluva sub.
I was a very vengeful guy when I was younger. I felt that the world has wronged me. Lot’s of anger. I have been in a mental prison for a very long time. Resorted to drugs/drinking/video games as my preferred tools of coping. Environment and upbringing was very subpar. I’m still working through feelings of hatred, anger, sadness.
I will become someone much stronger. I’ll have wonderful, supportive, stimulating, and loving relationships. I’m going to build a regiment of healthy habits. For all the mistreatment, unfairness, pain, sadness that made me angry and sad in the past, I will have an equal, if not greater positive experience in the future.
I thought I was in a positive growth spiral all this time…but little have I realized these hidden self-sabotaging behaviors…until now. I knew they were there and I thought I handled them all. Boy, was I mistaken.
Feels like I am finally cleaning the rust off a blade.
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Ran 1 loop LBFH just now. onwards
My productivity spiked. I stopped fearing the small things. Mentally, I stopped chasing girls.
I’m finding the unstable foundations of my imperfect beliefs and thought patterns.
Overall, in a much better mood.
The grieving process took a toll on me. Balanced out the drain with some ice cream for emotional support.
I can now do 12 pushups in a row. Progress! Been forcing protein into my body.
Also, first martial arts belt test in T-minus 6 weeks. Going to start applying to other jobs as well.
Life is moving fast, and I am finally keeping up with it…barely. 
POWER OVERWHELMING
My friend calls me at 5AM, I’ve been snoozing the alarm since 4:00AM.
Handled my coding goals, cleaned up my room, organized everything.
Paid my mentor for more sessions. Reviewed my budget and current financial circumstances. Reviewed “Objective Secure” book’s mission planning strategies.
Currently setting up the datascience work flows.
Need to set up flash cards to review all martial arts moves that will be tested - 1 hour practice everyday required.
T-minus 44 days until belt test…
There are no more excuses, only executions.
It seems “excuse” and “execution” have simililarities
excuse (n.)
late 14c., “pretext, justification,” from Old French excuse, from excuser “apologize, make excuses” (see excuse (v.)). The sense of “that which serves as a reason for being excused”
execute (v.)
late 14c. “to carry into effect” (transitive, mostly in law with reference to warrants, sentences, etc.), also “carry out or accomplish a course of action” (intransitive), from Old French executer (14c.), from Medieval Latin executare, from Latin execut-/exsecut-, past participle stem of exequi/exsequi “to follow out, to follow to the grave,” figuratively “to follow, follow after, accompany, follow up, prosecute, carry out, enforce; execute, accomplish; punish, avenge,” from ex- “out” (see ex-) + sequi “follow” (from PIE root *sekw- (1) “to follow”).
4/29/2023
I took a nap today for 1.5 hours. I woke up somber. Thinking about the cycle life and death. We all will die. I have to be on my path everyday. The highest leverage actions.
I ate 2 large boiled chicken breasts. The renovations are coming along nicely.
Another day of purposeful work.
Dragon Reborn has been the most useful and most draining sub I have ran. I processed real deep underlying emotions.
Most importantly, I have rooted out deep resentments hiding in plain sight. This is a significant work in progress.
Still running QL ST4 of course.
I ran all 4 stages of DR this morning.
Also ran 3 mins of each stage a few days ago.
Every negative feeling that I have had for years, I’ve been not only questioning, but digging into my emotional core to find the root cause. What trauma/memory was it?
All these years I would cast them aside thinking nothing of it. Just “power through” and “be a man” about it.
However, today, I found another deep, calcified trauma. I was sitting at my computer trying to distract myself. I wanted to smoke this whole day. I was eating random snacks, watching random things on youtube…something was up and something was coming…
I told myself, rather than going out to buy a cigarette, I can just lay in bed and have a quick masturbation session. That can relax me better than a cig or vape. Might as well give it a shot…
Here is the crazy part, I was transported back into childhood, where I was using masturbation as an escape. Unrequited love. the urge to masturbate manifested into other “escapes” like video games, smoking, etc. the root cause was from childhood of me as a kid wanting affection, love.
This realization was profound. How many years of blockages were getting erased? I followed through with the masturbation session…but something was different. After the blockage was understood, my body started acting differently. The release I had was as if I came for the first time. I was not using porn, I was barely even visualizing in my head. I came so hard I passed out.
The dream I had was I was a kid again. Untouched by the world. Going through and navigating my world fearlessly. Before I understood money, or girls, or anything. Just a kid doing his thing, exploring the world, handling his surroundings under his own power. I woke up and saw my vision was still a bit blurry. As if my body was still releasing new hormones or something. It is hard to describe.
5/3/2023
Every passing day, I’m going deeper into the core emotional problems.
Yesterday night, I came across the mother lode. Real raw stuff. Real emotional distress. Stuff I have buried for years and years and years.
To say DR is kicking my ass is an understatement.
I feel like I have much stronger emotional control, resilience, and less emotional fluctuations.
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DR regularly kicked my ass into the middle of next week.
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5/3/2023
Went to my martial arts class. I had much more energy today.
I think having the unresolved emotions actually drain caloric energy within the body.
Kind of brings a literal meaning to energy vampires, negative energy draining the body, etc. These are all abstractions.
What I really know is that I felt alot lighter today. But to get to this feeling of lightness…gotta go through the flames…onwards!
@RVconsultant lolll middle of next week 
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5/7/2023
Another day, another emotional bag found from the body’s lost and found.
I have spent the past couple days in deep introspection. Questioning every thought, every belief I held dear. Questioning the very foundations of what and who I am. This is a highly useful exercise and is something that I have been avoiding for a very long time.
At the same time, my urges to have a cigarette have been at an all time high. I have been finding ways to distract myself as much as I can. Chocolate, coffee, and youtube have been my healthier nicotine alternatives. I have come to realize this means I am onto something deeply emotionally charged and it is only a matter of time before it presents itself…which it usually does.
I spent some time today talking out the feelings that I felt to myself. How I felt about myself. Then I went over my failures as well as my successes.
While it is true that we tend to believe the negative self talk that we tell ourselves, the strength of the belief itself is a useful tool to instill positive self talk with the same enthusiasm as the negative. Like a coin flip, I can control my emotions. It is quite wonderful. I listed all the negative things that my thoughts and feelings can usually muster on a general day. Then I countered with “yes, those failures and pitfalls have been true and are a foundation to me feeling like a lonely miserable failure…but let’s meet that same foundation with a list of all the successes…”
I realized that I have been avoiding those feelings of failure, loneliness, sadness. I refused to acknowledge them for what they are. Instead, today. I sat with myself and acknowledge that is how I feel and it is totally fine to feel that way. On a usual day I would find ways to distract myself with sef-deprecating talk, a funny youtube video, a jerkoff session, food, anything.
After about half a day of introspection, the coffee kicked in, I got work done.
Next 5 days are meal prepped. I know exactly how many calories and protein I will be consuming in total for the next 5 days.
Today I ran:
QL ST4
Dragon Reborn ST 2, 3, 4
Emp fitness ST1
Beyond Limitless ZP
Paragon Sleep ZP
EOG ST1
RICH ZP
Sidenote: Chest did get bigger from all the training these past few months. Lady at the supermarket licked her lips walking past me. I was walking with a better posture today.
If I am understanding that you ran all these in one day, you are risking overloading yourself.
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Yezzir.
Considering my earlier experimenting with ZPT^2…I can manage with the emotional charge and headaches. There is a day or two where I do get a mild headache but nothing that I had so far came close to nicotine withdrawal symptoms. Definitely manageable.
However, your miles may vary. Different folks different strokes. I can handle it now. Before it was lots of recon, lots of emotional turmoil. Now it is much much more manageable after months of using subs.
Also, I run all this one day a week. Overall 1.5 -2 hours of exposure, and then I let it ride for the week.
If I do sense any negative effects, I will dial it back immediately.
Interesting observation…I have all this energy right now…where is this coming from? I am supposed to be tired after work…
Feels like I unloaded alot of emotional baggage. at least 25% more energy through my day…even now…hmmmm