Hello. It has been far too long since an update. I am not sure if the creators of this product made this as close as possible to the movie but damn do I feel good about my outcomes so far.
A lot has happened since the last post of 11/22/2022. I will try my best to succinctly explain.
The club I usually frequent went under and closed down. I was sitting there on its last day, wondering whether to feel sad or happy. I cannot use this place as a cocoon of comfort anymore. Everyone who frequented that place now has to adapt to the new status quo. Other nearby areas will absorb the volume. I have primed my brain to accept new and far more difficult hardships.
Although it is winter, I did not bother wearing any jacket. I wanted my body to adapt and grow its brown fat stores. I went home that night with the greatest gift. I didn’t know it at that time. The girl tore me a new emotional asshole in a manner I was not ready for. She may have also been upset at the closing. Anyways, I woke up the next day in a new manner. My emotions were gone. I was torn out. I was not feeling apathetic but a VERY STRANGE SENSE OF PEACE.
It is odd to explain, but the muscles that held anxiety in my chest just stopped working and stayed relaxed. I felt some relaxation in my diaphragm. My voice deepened. My facial structure changed. My posture changed. Relaxation is the key to all of this……………(hint)
I felt this peace and wondered, is there someone else inside of me? Is there an entity in my head? Is this subliminal programming to blame? The answer is a resolute FUCK NO. I realized I had all these tensions in my head from all that emotional baggage. This state of peace is LITERALLY MY ACTUAL SELF and nothing else. A metaphor here can be a rusted pipe vs a polished pipe. Time and experience had worn me down emotionally and my own self sabotaging actions led me astray. I was used to this neurotic fanatical way of thinking and my thought patterns were all fucked up from my degeneracy over the years. However, this peace told me otherwise.
Speaking of self-sabotage…:
There are certain illogical things in my life that stemmed from the past of video game addiction. Once of these is having to play some games that I own all the games for. God of War Ragnarock dropped on November 9, 2022. I secured myself a PS5 on 11/19/2022. Couldn’t get it on the same night. This was not planned…but, this game is an extension of my childhood. I have to play it. There are no exceptions. I changed. I became focused. Knowing that my order is arriving, I predicted how bad my behaviors will get. I knew that I will go into sitting down and playing video games for hours and hours and hours on end. I know that I am that type of degenerate. Jerking off and playing video games cyclically is a wonderful way to break the dopamine circuits in the brain. As a response, I started working at my job like a crazed madman. My coworkers were wondering what has gotten into me. Sheer ruthless focus on my work. I needed to overwork for the impending under-work lol.
A tangent here on the focus mode. I hate calling it that…too egoic. Sounds like some anime bullshit. I only say this because although I love anime, the delusions spurred by it for me are unhealthy. Anyways, when we were hunters, we had to kill animals to survive on meat amongst other things. I watched my friend’s cat play trying to chase me. Play is just training for violence for these animals. However, I noticed the cat’s eyes shift down into a more focused state……like my eyes….the animal wanted to kill me……and I wanted to kill my goals. It is sheer ruthless focus. I look down at my goals like a piece of meat ready to be butchered.
I hope this set-up is coming along well. Keep reading…
I did not know what I stumbled upon. I love surprises. This product is…a fucking surprise. I feel like that bald goon in that Limitless movie. Just wonderfully surprised.
My PS5 package arrived at my door on a Saturday evening 1 week before Thanksgiving. I went out of my way to buy both smoking weed and edibles for the occasion. It was a celebration. I ordered a feast on UberEats. Impulse control was out the window. The club I usually frequent closed down. I was tired from going out 3 nights a week for the past 4-5 months. Everyone was going home for thanksgiving. People were going to chill with their family and friends and loved ones. My family was getting together too. That first weekend, I started off with 60mg of edibles and worked my way up into a high hundred edible mistake on Sunday (I called in sick on Monday and I was barely coherent on the phone…like some asshole who took ludes or something.)
The PS5 is set up. The game turns on and I look at the difficulty settings. Remember that scene from the movie where the dude just jumps off a cliff? He just wanted to do it. I looked at the game with a sense of rabid excitement. My eyes went into that strange peaceful state of ruthless focus. For years….I floundered around in video games with no discipline. This game will be a test of the programming. I chose the hardest difficulty. GMGOW. Fuck it. I’m gonna figure it out on the fly on hard mode and see what happens. Additionally, I’m going to impair myself with as much weed as possible. “Fuck it” was my mental state followed up with sheer ruthless focus on the thing in front of me. Within 31 days, I beat the game. 100% plat on GMGOW. It took 161 hours. I played roughly on average 5.3 hours a day. I would aim for 16 hour stretches on the weekends. On top of this, I was blasted out of my mind high. I bought the strongest shit I can find both smokable and eatable and pushed the limits of my stupid actions.
There would be days where I would be so high, I would sit on the sofa, staring at my TV in a high stupor, barely able to move my character. I would literally sit on the sofa for 8-10 hour stretches. Water pooled up and swelled up my feet from inactivity. I would be in a blur of consciousness. One moment, I would be at my office working and crushing it. Another moment I am at home and playing video games. Weed tends to fuck with your perceptions of memory and time distortion. I would pass out and sleep on my sofa. Wake up, play, smoke weed, get ready for work, smoke more weed, work, smoke weed during lunch, work, go home, play video games and smoke some more weed, eat an edible and pass out on the sofa around 3am, get 4 hours of shitty sleep and repeat variations of this cycle for 31 days. I did not go outside or socialize outside of this.
Why am I telling you all of this? This sounds fucking terrible.
Here is the hint. I relaxed. I offloaded all the troubles of my mind for 31 days. The sheer amount of focus I felt was unexplainable. I decreased every other stressor in my life. Fuck what food I eat. Fuck what others think of me. Fuck chasing girls. Fuck shaving. Fuck ironing my clothes. I paused 80% of all activities that were get wells. Fuck my datasci goals. Everything was toned down to a minimum. Thanksgiving was a 4 day weekend. I didn’t shower or shave for 4-5 days.
December came around. The entire month of December was taken largely in part with the weed and video games.
161 hours later, I can feel all the joints in my fingers. The muscles in my hands were aching. The thumb that moved the left joystick controller was inflamed at the lower joint.
I became faster, sharper and more ruthless. I forced myself to respond to faster stimuli while under impairment. I forced my hands to move when all I wanted to do was close my eyes and sleep. For 161 hours it was me and that stupid fucking game. Locked in a dark dungeon circling each other like degenerate gladiators. My coworkers knew something was off with me. I was unusually quiet. Little did they know I was going home to die to some boss for another 8 hours and cry myself to sleep.
My fingers were faster but were in pain. My typing speed improved. My mouse click accuracy increased. I can follow the mouse around the screen faster. My office desk became organized. I started killing the issues at work similar to the little creatures in the game. The high levels of THC addled my mind and blurred the lines of reality. I lined up the problems at work and worked at a new level of layering multiple work flows over each other and finding higher efficiency behavior sets to output more work within the same amount of time and minimize mistakes. Because I cried myself to sleep trying to kill a boss I couldn’t understand under impairment, I was releasing even more emotions through those tears than usual. My goal was right in front of me and to kill this boss, it will take me another 12 hours and maybe another 100 attempts.
I beat the game and gave the PS5 away. Within 36 hours I cleaned up everything. Like a automatic machine. I cleaned up all the junk, all the trash. I went into my room and started pulling everything off the shelves. Like the speed cleaning scene from the movie. The trash and clutter of 31 days of degeneracy. Mind you, the movie makes it look so cool. Reality I that I was in the super-focused state of mind and reorganized my living room and my bedroom within a few days. For the past few years, I thought I was organized. This was on a whole different level. I was in a constant state of organization. If I had 2 seconds, 5 seconds, 10 spare seconds, I can throw out a piece of trash here and there. If the action can be done under 1 minute, I do it immediately. I kill it like one of those little things in the game.
I treated the cleaning and organization of my entire environment around me like one of those bosses in the game. It didn’t matter how long it took. I wanted to achieve the standard/outcome. I wanted to achieve the feng shui. I want to reflect the peace in my mind to the world around me.
Additionally, this past week, I stopped all thc intake. I am curious what the speeds be without the shackles of weed.
I have these urges to show up hours early to work just to crush every single task required for the day. I haven’t acted on those urges because I would rather spend my morning on more productive self-goal oriented shit.
Speaking of goals. In the past 31 days, I attacked my list of getwell thoughts in my head. I bought a Bluetooth scale to track my weight. Lost ten pounds in water weight so far. Might actually be 8 lbs due to the clothing I was wearing. I meal prepped salads for myself based off the Sweet Greens recipes on Youtube. Hell, this damn essay is hitting 1900 words and I only started an hour ago go figure.
Oh, and, I hired a new coach 2 days ago for data sci. Lets just say there is a silver lining when it comes to these tech firings…Opportunity is all around me. My life is on afire.
Here is the bottom line, the TLDR:
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This shit works. Give it time. I stopped the loops completely for 31 days and let the sub do its work.
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I am calmer than usual (probably due to all that weed)
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My face straight up looks different now. From all that staring at the computer monitor. I have this intense stare sometimes. Sometimes during work, I get up during my focus mode and walk around the office fixing little things here and there. I work fast but walk relaxed. I also didn’t drink alcohol for the past 31 days. My face is much less puffy.
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My interactions with my clients improved significantly. I am able to get to their root problems faster. I am able to keep them emotionally calm to get them through their issues. The anxiety is manageable.
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Organize Organize Organize. My body and mind and state of being are in this state of self-reorganization. If there is a paperclip on the floor. It takes 2 seconds to pick it up and throw it into the holder. If the floor is dusty it will take 5 minutes. I set a timer and kill the task. Standard routine things like laundry, cleaning a room, and general decluttering habits have all ramped up significantly. The organizational abilities are getting close to 2nd nature.
Gif for effect hehe
- Work (of any kind) feels like a slow drip sense of mentally cumming. I wish I can explain this feeling. It does not really matter what is in front of me. I will pick it apart and break the task down into its fundamentals and create a solution that was not there to begin with. I will find faster and more efficient ways of doing things so that I can free up more time for myself both mentally and physically.
