Guys, I thought I would add a section for good ole fashioned jokes.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: It goes without saying that the jokes should be in good taste.
A Guy parks his car in front of a building. As he’s getting out, a security guard rushes to him and says,
"Sir…sir, you can’t park there. The Senators will be down any minute.
To which the driver responds:
“No problem I have my car alarm on.”
A guy goes to a psychiatrists.
“Doctor, Doctor, my wife thinks she’s a chicken.”
Psychiatrist: “how long did she have this problem?”
Guy " Going on two years."
Psychiatrist: “Why did you wait so long to see me?”
Guy: " Because we needed the eggs."
“How is it possible to have a civil war?” (George Carlin)
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years, because I didn’t want to interrupt her.” Rodney Dangerfield.
“I have good looking kids, thank goodness my wife cheated on me.” Rodney Dangerfield
Judge: Mr. Mouse, I simply cannot grant you a divorce based on Minnie being crazy.
Mickey: I didn’t say she’s crazy. I said she’s fucking Goofy!
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
Nice one!!
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. (Anne Landers)
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your children. (Sam Levenson)
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. (George Burns).
Have you ever noticed, that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anybody going slower than you is a moron. (George Carlin)
According to a new survey,90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is kind of disturbing when you consider that man’s best friend is his dog. (Jay Leno)
The third and last one got me
A thief stuck a gun in a man’s ribs and said “Give me your money.”
Whereupon the man replied: “you cannot do this, I’m a U.S. Congressman!”
Whereupon the thief said: " In that case give me my money!’
A man goes to the secret police and says :“my parrot disappeared.”
Officer: “Why did you come here, go to the regular police”.
The Man: “I will, I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever the parrot says.”
The NSA: a government agency that actually listens to you.
Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing. when someone says " roll up the window, they might mean ROLL UP THE WINDOW." (Jay Leno)
The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up. (Jay Leno)
What does a nosy pepper like to do?
Be Jalapeño business
There were two students who went on spring break. Instead of studying for a major exam they partied the whole time. The morning that they were scheduled to go back to school they hatch a scheme.
They would arrive after the exam was over and tell the professor that they had a flat tire, and they couldn’t arrive on time for the exam.
So they showed up late and told the professor what had happened. The professor said no problem boys, just come back tomorrow for a make up test.
So the next day they showed up for the exam. The professor puts one student in one room and the other student in another room. He gives them the test.
Question number 1. What is your name? (worth 5 points)
Question number 2, Which tire was it. (Worth 95 points).
“My teacher tells me to follow my dreams, but she never let’s me sleep in class.”
“My friend used to teach computer science, but then he lost his drive.”
Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
An Emperor, A Khan and A Stark walk into a bar.
Nevermind…they’re nothing to laugh.
“After months of dieting, I lost 30 whole days!”
Why do people eat TV dinners? So they can watch what they eat.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don’t lose weight, but from a distance you look thinner.
“The only way to lose weight is to check it as airline baggage.” (Peggy Ryan)
I knew the psychic was a fraud, the second she accepted my check.
What do you get when you ask a politician to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
3 different answers.
I just saved a ton of money on my christmas shopping by expression my political views on facebook.
Did you hear the one about the two people who stole a calendar? The each got 6 months.
Why can’t bicycles stand up on their own? Because they are two tired.
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner. They’re usually 90 degrees.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because their teacher told them that it was a piece of cake!
Why did the cabbage win the race? Because it was ahead.
Why was the cucumber mad? Because it was in a pickle.
I went to the garage to get the hammer,
And then it hit me.