Its weird cuase even though Im feeling reconciliation, my mood is very good.
It feels so good to be doing yoga again! took almost 2 weeks off to heal my knee. Today and yesterday my practice has been very refreshing and envigorating.
The levels of worry keep lowering down, today Ive had 2 experiences that used to be triggers for worry, but not today, kept my calm and did my thing.
Before I would have try my best to solve a problem, now I realize there never was a problem except for me worrying for nothing.
One of those 2 experiences happened 3 times today, and the 3 times I was calm.
Worries seems to be the theme of the day, Regen+Elixir+AlchemST1 are digging worries today. Ive been worrying about far too many things, much more than I was willing to accept.
Growing up in a house where my father had really big unrealistic expectations for me and a mother that was very harsh to point and correct every single mistake I made. I grew up being very fearful and insecure. Thats what I gain awareness of today… another piece of the puzzle. I was holding very big unrealistic expectations for myself and I was afraid of the posibility of making every possible mistake.
I feel Im detaching from that pattern now, specially after the releasing exercises I did, lets see how it all evolves.
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While reading my previous post, my stomach began to hurt a lot… something is there I can feel it.
What a relief! I just let it all out… did some releasing and I was feeling I dissapointed my father. A vivid childhood memory appeared and I started crying until it was all gone.
Im gonna do 1 Regeneration and 1 Achemist and go to sleep.
Ive noticed that adding st1 accelerated the rate at which emotional trauma gets to the surface.
I feel Im going it at a good rhythm, dont wanna add more loops.
Today I had the oportunity to prove that Im more relaxed and charming. I have a way with words when I enter the flow, and its getting easier amd more frequent for me to be in the flow.
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I cant remember exactly when I posted that I realized I was affraid of my girlfriend in certain contexts.
Well now Im not anymore, the evidence is that I can ask what I want in a joyful way and make her feel good about changing her behaviour, instead of holding it in until I got pissed off enough to just treat her poorly, as I did before.
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At this moment while listening to Alchemist Im feeling a lot of pain in my lower back. Not in the same spot as before, more to the center/left side.
Something being brought up? Or did I pulled a muscle doing yoga?
I dont know and at this point Im too tired to find out. But I been having lots of lower back pain lately
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My lower back is much better now, still hurts a little, but thats nothing compared to last night. I kind of remember being half asleep last night travelling to my spine and changing the energy… then I fell asleep.
Today Im taking the day off subs.
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Lol this is funny…
I fall asleep after waking up, I was just too burned out. In my dream, I dreamt I was sleeping in bed next to my girlfriend and I was having the most vivid and horny sex dream. I woke up from the dream inside the dream and began to wildly have sex with my girlfriend.
Then woke up from that dream into this reality with a huge boner and very horny, my girlfriend wasnt up for the task (shes also burned out) and immediately lost my hard on and the sexual energy disipated.
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This is day 25 since I started Regeneration + Elixir, I will be doing it until sunday to complete a month.
Then I think I will do 1 of my customs + Elixir and leave Regeneration for occasional use.
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All my plans are changing, Im in a point in which I dont know exactly where to go or what to do.
I discovered some internal conflict regarding my work and purpose, I think this is Alchemist st1 digging in.
At the moment nothing really seems to be motivating me, except for making money and even though I like money, I dont like it to be my only motivator.
Since yesterday Im having this “I dont want this anymore” feeling regarding to my job. Its not a new feeling, Ive felt that way many times before, even before subs I had a major crisis in which I wanted to do anything, except what I do now.
I understood yesterday that my conflict is me fighting my own purpose, at some level I reject it, I dont want it, too much responsibility. At another level I love it.
Now Im not loving it, besides that I cant afford this conflict anymore, cause one thing is to have a crisis and a whole other thing is the constant push and pull about doing my job
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Slowly but steady! getting better and getting things done, one at the time, Ive been actualizing my resources and organizing my work stuff.
Im making the experience much more seamless for the people, so they can engage and become new clients.
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Reconciliation is over and I feel fucking fine!
I am in awe of the amount of crap a person is able to collect inside in his life, Im glad Im giving Regeneration and Alchemist a second go… this cleaning is going really deep.
My plans for subliminal usage after Regeneration are a complete mistery to me for now, what I do now is its going to be simple, less is more approach.
This reconciliation felt like taking mushrooms in a way. It felt like a uncontrolable emotional purge, that I fighted to avoid at first, but gave into it once I understood there was no choice, but to go all the way into darkness, to bring light to it.
I feel awesome!! I just read the tarot to gain awareness on the whole month trip with Regeneration and Elixir, threw 2 cards per week and Im in week 4.
The cards for the first 3 weeks were on spot accurate.
1 of the cards for this week talked about self imposed defeat, quitting when Im about to break through, as the theme being worked on. The other card talked about equilibrium of the lower self, balance and a big realization.
I did a meditation and the whole pattern became clear, how I walked around in life accepting less than what I want, because of the conviction that its futile to go for the whole thing.
I used my toolkit to change those beliefs and free myself and now I feel expanded, relaxed and in silence.
The cool part is that the cards for the first week were about a need to integrate and balance from the higher self and the need to be honest with myself for the process to work.
To be honest with myself is fundamental in the healing process, no more bulshitting around pretending that an issue is not really an issue.
The ability to recognize and accept what really happens to me, no matter how painful or embarrasing it might be, is essential.
If I feel it, then its there to be taken cared of, it doesnt matter how much I pretended that something didnt exist or that it was already solved.
Its not going anywhere until I learn the lesson and transcend the emotional charge.
Currently running Elixir Ultima, just woke up and I think Im gonna let elixir take me deeper than the last time.
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