At this point I’m certain, people just can’t not engage with me.
Even when I’m deep in recon or not wanting to engage for some bullshit reason, they still come.
Even when my eyes are deeply frowning like I’m wrestling a dragon, they still come.
When I say I don’t feel good, the engagement increases.
Unless I completely cut off energy, blatantly ignore, which has been proving difficult to do without good reason.
(Supposed to post this yesterday)
Taking it one level further, people have been coming to me for validation.
Kind of like “do you see me?” “You’re here for me right?” “I want you in my side” “My pov is justified right?”
These are the phrases that pop in my mind when these interactions come up, and they’ve been doing so more frequently.
They come up even when I’m overtly furious, creased brows and all that. Like can’t you see I’m supposed to be angry?
Now that the rant is over.
Another interesting development is regardless of what state I was in, I snap into presence when the interaction starts. Calm, steady, self-amused, with judgement gradually fading into the background. Like I’m there, for both myself and the other party.
How do you see me?
Tall, voice that startles people, a resting bitch face, wide upper body, gaze that seems like fury. I am intimidating. Rather, I can be intimidating because it is now a thing of choice.
I’ve been meaning to ask the question above to people around me. No, it’s more of a “I want to see me through their eyes” type thing.
Recently been described as nonchalant, calm, sexy, hot; but I don’t feel that way. I just feel free-er, free to be myself.
Sexy? I agree. Nonchalant? When I feel like. Calm? Hard to agree. I feel chaos, the anxiety of uncomfortable situations, my body and energetic system literally shaking in the background when I’m close to rest.
And you think I’m calm? Even when I’m angry?
I thought it ridiculous, laughing whenever it’s mentioned.
I guess it’s more of a perception of or containment of my energy thing. Like the information gleaned from my aura takes precedence over my body language and speech.
Another interesting observation I haven’t properly logged.
I’ve been using subtle cues like “relax” “reset” “move” “stop” “breath” “faster” “slower” “order” and some I can’t recall for now.
They’re used almost subconsciously, like they’re somewhere on the border between the conscious and subconscious.
To clarify, I get a subtle intuition or feeling to use one of them and the word flows to the surface of consciousness. As it’s coming up, I consciously say it, followed by an/sequence of actions that execute the cue.
An analogy would be to imagine a stream flowing in a circle.
One day I might start stringing them in combos😂
Okay three interesting things happened today
Came into work today on my usual baseline. My boss’ boss was in. Now, I respect him as a work superior, but he’s not my favorite person. And I had a feeling he knows so.
He walks past me, didn’t see him. Next thing I know, he greets first, which is rare, if it’s ever happened, then completely ignores the second guys greeting.
Only for my immediate superior to later tell me that my boss’ boss recommended me for a promotion, out of nowhere🤯
As I was reeling from the surprise I just got, a thread started in my mind. It was my usual “conversation with my self” where I question myself in a concept and I try to flesh it out as much as possible, like I’m trying to make a child understand. It’s a mix of conversations with myself and playing out scenarios.
I wondered why a leader wanted me in a leadership position.
Then it shifted to me giving advice to my immediate leader on being a better leader.
Then to being asked “how do you know that’s what a leader should be like?”
And I literally said “I am not telling you the way to be, I am simply giving you an idea of the type of leader I’m willing to follow. The details are for you to figure out. Gather more information from others that follow you and you will find your answer there. After all, that is the work of a leader”
Then as I’m catching up on the nearly 300 unread posts on the Season 4 thread, I see this for the first time.
The third one being the joy scripting from GLM shone through, dominantly for the first time.
I think it’s because I listened to Wanted and GLM back to back, then kept E//D//U separate for night.
E//D//U is an absolute monster.
There’s always recon, like 24/7, no rest, no plateau.
Habits have not been the best, actually took a dip, some minor “suboptimal” decisions like eating/sleeping late, eating out etc, lack of focus when it comes to cognitive aspect of executive functioning, body constantly shaking/tremoring.
But all are within acceptable range. Nothing affects my quality of life. The other subs in stack have made it seem like a mild discomfort beneath the surface.
Social life and work life jumping levels, even under recon.
Just ran E//D//U, let’s see how tomorrow morning is.
If the breakdown/live life cycle continues, then this’ll be my new listening strategy.
Need me that GLM grounded in your body feeling that people been talking about.
Woke up this morning. The breakdown is here, don’t feel like doing shit right now.
Let’s move and see how it turns out.
Leaving this here
I have an observation—if you can perceive a connection between the subs and express that connection, then any sub can be stacked.
The issue now is the rate of embodiment of the concepts discussed in each sub.
Let your philosophy guide your path
The way you live an embodiment of your philosophy
Your skill the expression of your entire life.
But never restrict yourself to philosophy, keep growing, forever boundless.
Umm this didn’t quite work out as expected.
No drive to do anything, I just want to be lazy and be taken care of by someone. Didn’t accomplish the goals I set out today.
No lethargy, no fatigue, no energy drain, no running emotions. The breakdown feeling is still in the background. But the feeling like my energy system taking a hit is very prominent, it’s the second dominant feeling I usually get on TB, haven’t felt it in quite a while.
Just not in the mood for anything.
Still hit the gym though. Time for a really hot shower.
All is well.
External results are so numerous, I almost don’t consider them “results” anymore. It is simply my reality.
Goals that aim at accomplishing things or hitting targets are being classified as achievement markers.
Actual change in my perception of life, how I engage with life experiences and shifts that improve my quality of life are now considered results.
Today I told my friends about one of the shifts I’ve had regarding my physical body. And it seemed like some sort of regression happened.
Wanted directly contributes to this shift and I’ve mentally noted it since my second week on it. I’ve been trying to make this change through exercise and stuff, but never made it a habit. Wanted just made it almost autopilot, so I don’t just have to exercise for it, I live it every moment and permanence develops with time.
Immediately I shared the result in detail, it’s like I immediately snapped out of that loop.
I’ve noticed this pattern numerous times—sharing the result externally in detail currently brings about some immediate regression or test of that result. The same also holds for internal results.
This seems like a limiting pattern to me, so I’ll test it again, and on something that has become my perceived baseline.
Delayed on my shower last night.
Cleared out one stuff I had delayed for some time.
Then had my shower and went to bed.
Woke up late today, still didn’t feel like doing shit, but I got moving. Hopped on calls I had delayed all week, then went straight into work mode.
It’s like the barrier to action is being slightly disentangled from my state in that moment.
I just had to get the stone rolling by starting the first phase of the work last night and this morning sorted itself.
Been trying to study but couldn’t focus for the life of me.
Working on school work since the term started has been through almost extreme willpower. Now, it’s exam period and I can’t let this continue.
I thought this time will be different with GLM, but same as last year, I’ll have to take TB out. So E//D//U will come back mid December.
Short summary of my evening.
Tried to get some work done.
Felt hungry, extremely hungry, the tire that cause dizziness. Got some food, but felt like throwing up, even while hungry.
Forced myself to eat, then started overeating.
Quite the rollercoaster.