Dropping this here
I’ve been finding it hard to trust. This is not new information, I’ve just refused to note it down this blatantly, but it’s the truth. For me to express all that I desire, I must acknowledge this.
The exact memories that contributed to this outcome have been accessible for over two years now. When they became accessible I just went through them to see the entire premise, but didn’t do anything about it.
That premise being a constant violation of trust. It was expressed in numerous ways, but mostly socially and financially—stealing, gossip, power games, bullying, broken promises directed towards me or people I care about—from extended family and the people I kept as friends.
I didn’t change my situation as some where genuinely out of my hands, some I believed as so and the rest I believed I couldn’t do better.
I see this lack of trust expressing even in my new relationships. I identify and stop it from playing out. Only for the pattern to repeat again.
1 Like
I’m going to be leaving behind little notes on each sub in stack, then I’ll put them all together at the very end of the stack.
GLM - Presence, strength, self-mastery
Timelessness, order, holding space, beyond dynamics, self-embodiment(I AM), pure essence, fortress of veiled strength.
Peace, joy, resilience, detachment, warmth, calm, care.
An edge that transcends the labels of softness and hardness into something basic, yet transcendental—sacrifice.
Father of all, I feel like I’m in the latter end of my journey.
Mystical.
1 Like
Yesterday I felt that energy in my entire gut area, it was the same activation I had on St3, responding to the state I was in.
Except unlike on St3, this had a very “waking up” feeling. It was invigorating, pleasurable even, but I didn’t let it spread.
The name “crouching dragon” came to mind and it fits very well. It’s like “I’m here I’m not asleep, I’ve just not decided to rise, just assign me a target”
1 Like
Slept around 11-12 and woke up by 6AM, been in bed since then feeling the breakdown. Slept then woke up again.
The sleep-wake/breakdown-live cycle is very much present and healing happens somewhere in-between.
Though I’m very certain when I decide to move, I’ll shift into ‘living’
1 Like
I also find that there is no rest on Khan St1, I don’t know if it’s how it’s supposed to function or is it’s how it expresses for me.
I think it’s the former though. Just keeps breaking down shit, going as deep as I let it, no plateaus or rest in-between.
GLM has proven to be a very good companion for this effect, containing chaos from the breakdown, help in opening the door of masculinity and allowing change to slipstream into my reality.
Synergistic and easy, it’s more of how long I am willing to give it.
Where are my enemies?
I remember watching season 2 of Vinland Saga, which took a drastic turn from the first season. Though, it was a natural progression of the story, I expected more violence, hoping for the main character to flip out at every opportunity that presented itself. But the writer surprised me, impressed even.
How can you put something so profound to paper? Communicating enlightenment the way he did. It was beautiful to witness and only now do I begin to experience this for myself.
The bar for offending me is getting high, I mean really high. I see brothers, girls that melt in my presence, I see kids, some of them bratty sometimes, fun to watch, but no enemies.
The internal feeling that accompanies it isn’t always dominant, but comes to the surface when I go grocery shopping.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not a doormat. There have been moments where I communicated displeasure or anger in a very Khan-like way. People literally shrink and immediately become apologetic, like my anger is the worst disaster that can happen. I also notice awareness rises along with anger, ensuring I don’t misuse it.
As soon as boundaries are reset, my anger also resets. This is the edge, with deeper layers wielded when necessary.
PS: I used “girls that melt in my presence” and not “sisters” because I’ve literally not encountered someone that fits the bill, except my biological sisters. Most of the women I encounter end up melting, like a wholesome blend of attraction, respect, friendliness and safety.
Are you invincible because you’re capable or are you capable because you’re invincible?
Something just happened.
I had a sharp pang of energy everywhere within my body, except my gut area. Lasting for less than 2 seconds.
It’s like an energy going from “crouching” to “flying” in one go, traveling through wires in my body. I say ‘wires’ because it felt different from my blood vessels.
It seems very familiar, but distant. With it came invincibility and desire. A desire to stand at the top, with the world at my feet. It doesn’t feel psychotic. It’s the desire to conquer with the phrase “I am the rule plastered in my mind
Very edgy stuff, I wish I was kidding typing this out.
Been developing a habit where I notice a state and when I question myself regarding the state, it invites a more efficient introspection, as it feels more like me inviting myself for a deeper, intimate conversation.
For example, I begin to notice hints of anger, I ask myself “are you angry?”
Woke up this morning. Breakdown feeling present, but no information on what was being worked.
Beneath the breakdown feeling was the energy of conquest. Can’t quite explain this. Think of it as layers of being with one on a deeper level than the other.
Couldn’t sit long with it as usual as I had to start my day immediately. Heading out for grocery shopping. Don’t have much to buy, but trying to make this a habit.
The sun is always beautiful and I love basking in it.
Same general parameters, completely different realities.
The only outlier being you.
Feeling behind on my achievement markers again. Third time it’s happened since I started this phase.
Truthfully? I am actually behind on hitting my achievement markers.
Now, I can switch my stack and hit them in new personal record time. Yet I have to remind myself once again, this is not the phase of external achievements.
The work I’m engaging now and experiencing the results is way more foundational. At this phase I want to lean into them as much as I possibly can. Opening as much doors that serve as raw materials.
Guess I’m going to keep revisiting this same topic, till I get to where I want to.
Lately there’s been this deeper feeling I can’t put to words. It’s like I’m an experience women I encounter won’t recover from. I am adventure, peace, safety, pleasure, mischeviousness, pain, joy and this wistful feeling of endless fulfillment.
Can’t really explain it, but I’ve been feeling quite dangerous for some time now.
This same feeling is then reflected in my voice, gaze, mischievous smile, self-amusing behavior and conversations.
Most times it’s funny seeing people react in real-time. The openness, mirroring me, finding reasons to engage me etc.
I also notice there’s almost no secret I can’t get out of a woman. Been putting this new power to good use🙏
Once again,
Are you invincible because you’re capable or Are you capable because invincible is the only way to be?
Woke up this morning, heart pounding, no dream recall, no info download, breakdown feeling in background and my morning wood trying to stare me in the face.
Mind almost empty, except for the question above. I let it sit there, oscillate it a bit, recall my focus to it, but didn’t try to reason through it.
“Two sides of the same coin” came to mind as I was typing out the previous post.
The first drop in the bucket.
Four skills necessary for efficient sub use
Grounding
- Self care
- Physical movement
- Presence/awareness
Self exploration
- internal sensitivity
- Expression (journaling/craft)
Meeting energetic requirement
Patience
- To realize anything of value, a function of effort and time comes into play. Patience relates to both variables directly—effort when the outcome isn’t your expectation based on the effort; and time as your reality will have to align to realize that outcome.
I ran 15 secs of both BL and EE last night before bed to help with studying for some school work.
Woke up this morning and all seemed normal, till I tried to start studying. Crashed hard, harder than a mf’er. Tired throughout the day, couldn’t study.
Still hit the gym though🙂