Delayed on my shower last night.
Cleared out one stuff I had delayed for some time.
Then had my shower and went to bed.
Woke up late today, still didn’t feel like doing shit, but I got moving. Hopped on calls I had delayed all week, then went straight into work mode.
It’s like the barrier to action is being slightly disentangled from my state in that moment.
I just had to get the stone rolling by starting the first phase of the work last night and this morning sorted itself.
Been trying to study but couldn’t focus for the life of me.
Working on school work since the term started has been through almost extreme willpower. Now, it’s exam period and I can’t let this continue.
I thought this time will be different with GLM, but same as last year, I’ll have to take TB out. So E//D//U will come back mid December.
Short summary of my evening.
Tried to get some work done.
Felt hungry, extremely hungry, the tire that cause dizziness. Got some food, but felt like throwing up, even while hungry.
Forced myself to eat, then started overeating.
Quite the rollercoaster.
Before I took up more food, I was quite conscious of what was going on.
My ‘one voice’ asked me “is this the decision you want to make?” I know it’s the wrong decision, but went ahead.
My body rejected by bringing my awareness to my thirst, to drink water and patch up whatever space left, but I refused to be stopped.
I just wanted to stuff myself with more food. I wanted to stress eat.
Started eating, then decided to stop.
I posted the previous posts, told myself I’ll rest and then get back to work again
Next thing I know, I’m dozing off 
Might have to sit tonight out, but let’s wait a bit.
Stayed around my current friends, just being in their presence, watching reels, with music in the background.
Seem to have been reset to baseline.
Time to give this work one more try.
One is the best because he seems to be in endless flow, he has always been that way. Effortless excellence, he doesn’t know what it is to be subpar.
The other, the best because he can’t see a reality where he isn’t so, he is the best because he decides it as so. Excellence by will, a balance of obsession and belief.
What happens when the lines between these two are blurred?
Something beyond these two paradigms is born, Something only you can define
The Self-Embodiment of Perfection
Well that didn’t work out. Stayed up late till the next morning, couldn’t sleep and couldn’t work either.
Today, had about three naps, with breaks (1-2 hours) in between. Woke up, chilled some more, and then, I was finally able to work, got most of it done.
Either I really needed sleep or it wasn’t a day to participate in anything that I don’t consider as self care.
Maybe both.
Got an ambitious idea of a result enhancement custom.
Actually I’ve tried executing this idea, but it didn’t quite work the way I wanted it to.
But with the new tech and Limitless:Raikov coming up? Oh boyy!!!
Extremely reluctant to change my stack now.
But something has to change, even for a short while. Currently in a mini experimentation mode.
First was Wanted + ASBR on Monday night.
Superb, both blended and enhanced each other—wits, playfulness, attraction, presence, fame, effortlessly leading the group. Like I effortlessly pierced through social situations. Little bit more withdrawn on the self amusement of Wanted though.
Focus and comprehension came back online almost immediately. This aspect has been hard for me to engage since this phase.
Kicked in immediately too. It was channeled into generating outcomes (productivity) and getting myself back under control—internally, externally, financially.
Way easier to wield. Usually with ASBR, I get this internal feeling of being “a massive force in motion piercing through anything.”
Expressed outwardly as sharp demeanor—Eagle-like expression, minding like a bullet. Overt expression of displeasure.
This time the feeling came out in the process of productivity. A flare up(overt expression of displeasure) started and I cut it almost immediately. Slight conflict in my walking step—model vs bullet.
No resolution or containment like GLM. The resilience just helped me create pockets to power through it. I pierce through anything, recon is no exception. It can be there, but won’t stop me.
Superb expression, it’s like I naturally flowed between expressing the more suitable sub for the right moment.
Going to work today, let’s see how that turns out.
Note: all descriptors used in my journal are used to describe my own experience and may not be completely similar to your own experience.
Now I’m trying my best to keep my mind open about ASBR, but it’s like I’ve already made up my mind about it and my answer is NO.
It fits my goals down to a T, but doesn’t completely align with my vision of self development.
My current goals/achievement markers require intense cognition, innovation, resilience/focus, fame and wealth scripting, basically everything in the copy.
However, Vision of self development is an ideal, something beyond achievement, state or capacity, it is the essence of being. Everything else is just an expression of that essence.
Khan and GLM are the only subs that help me cultivate this. I am the universe’s incarnation of power, freedom and continuous alignment and that’s how it is. Constant self embodiment.
ASBR feels like an archetype, like I’m trying to live up to something. I am a force of nature, but I’m still in some sort of confine—a game of understanding and aligning with reality to generate outcomes that suits my will—and with it comes the capacity and resources to do so.
In summary ASBR has gravitas and Khan expresses the phenomenon of gravity.
Again, just my expression of the subs.
More intimacy issues being worked on in the background.
During recon the thing I craved the most was the presence of a woman that actually cares, cuddling without words and getting lost in each other’s eyes; a welcoming escape from the intense chaos I was processing.
Another thread I noticed is the desire to trust. The scenario I described will not be possible without me being able to and actually trusting her.
Continuing with the desire to trust, it’s also reflecting financially.
Had one of my spontaneous scenario generations that cooked up when I process/heal stuff—taking multiple perspectives in a scenario, asking guided prompts on the topic and me replying to those prompts.
Happened at work and in this scenario, I entrusted my card to my coworker to make a payment for me, while I rush to do something else.
He asked me “how/why are you so trusting? How can you just give me your card like that?”
The voices of doubt flooded my mind
“you’re so naive” “how/why are you so naive?”
“Have you forgotten where you come from? People cheat and get scammed”
“What you’re doing is foolish”
And then I replied his question “are you going to use it for something you’re not supposed to? Are you planning to cheat me?”
He just kept staring at me blankly, couldn’t muster a reply.
I continued “so why not?”
Got propositioned for the promotion again.
Testing GLM + ASBR today.
Promising results already.
Navigated two situations now with dead calm. No fidgeting, highly expressive speech patterns and body language.
Took my time to articulate before giving replies. This was strange. In the moment when I’m articulating there’s almost nothing in mind, like I’m not writing through the process consciously, but when I start speaking, everything flows.
Cognition on point.
Play, play, play. Ferocity from ASBR was in the background, with the internal joy shining forth, even in unlikely situations, which was highly accepted.
Resilience-> Eye of the Storm. This wasn’t the usual feeling of internal dominance. I am simply the center of my world and by extension my external environment. My permission was needed for things to progress (only expressed on Khan).
Fame, I don’t really know how to explain this one. It’s not that people just know you, there’s this element of gravitas and admiration. People keep coming back.
There were some times when I cracked jokes that were usually funny, but my deliveries were too serious. They register it as me being serious; then I make it clear that was my attempt at a joke and they’re all start laughing? WTF
The first person that comes to mind when I think about the way this expressed is Steve Jobs, except with more internal joy.
Something I didn’t note here was going into work on Tuesday and everyone kept saying they missed me.
I was only gone for 4 days, with two of those being weekends🙂
Feel like dropping E//D//U completely, and moving on to ST2. The going is getting tougher and more destabilizing to handle. However, I will remain, right here.
Now, back to observations.
Working through more intimacy issues. There’s one person constantly on my mind, it won’t be a stretch to say I actually miss her, even though I saw her last week. This was quite unexpected.
Had a dream about a past situationship. It seems I’m processing things from all my past relationships and situationships. Gradually crawling from the lighter to the darker stuff.
My music profile yesterday was really lo-fi sexy songs, from morning till night. Still find I couldn’t listen to some garbage—a “not for me” followed by an automatic skip😂
I’m horny, almost constantly. Yet this has a different feeling. It doesn’t feel subdued, but slightly subtle, with different peaks and dips.
Lastly, the “crouching dragon” hasn’t responded since this week. I think there’s some qualitative refinement happening within my sexual energertics for now. I don’t feel any changes , I just know it is so because that’s what pops in my mind when I think about it.
Suddenly, I can’t remember her name. It feels like my consciousness is locked out from certain memories abut her.
Probably get accessible again when the time is right.
Always play your best card first, for any given situation.
You might not be your best card. You don’t have to be the one holding up the banner others rally around. You are the cause behind the banner.
Your hidden card might not be your best card for the situation, it is the best card used as a final resort. You will find that your hidden card will often be you.
You are the one your best cards come to when in need, and your best card is rarely in need(that’s why it’s your best).
Play your best card, let it shine and watch your will align reality.