Cutting everything out is seeming to be a pain, harder than I thought it before.
It feels more like sacrifice and I don’t want to lose, not even to myself.
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I was always in love with learning — connecting the dots within seeming chaos, understanding, no, feeling its concepts, plus the derived concepts of what I’d possible.
Then applying that process to anything I encountered.
Only now, am I falling in love with the concept of creating, which implies embodiment and doing. It’s extremely slow for now, but it’s happening regardless.
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You’re building something beautiful, treat it with the respect it deserves.
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Over time, I’ve found myself using proper/more specific wording in engaging (comprehending, describing, conversing about, thinking, etc) things, especially with regards to change and time.
Which surprisingly has given a lot more room for ambiguity🤔
And it didn’t just happen subconsciously, I can recall moments of consciously wanting to make whatever I was engaging clearer.
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Hmm, now there’s a need too create personal moments and to treat them as ritual.
Everything that matters, be distilled into simple moments, which are upheld as rituals.
Moments of silence/presence, prayer, brainstorming/problem solving, introspection, eating, exercise etc.
Still goes back to the need for “systems” aspect of living, except that I’m simply living.
To think I absolutely loathed timetables and schedules previously just feels strange😂
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Also the awareness of the energy in my gut area has returned. Except now it isn’t “triggered” by just music or emotions, almost everything (both internal and external) does so, it’s becoming more like a natural response.
…
Had something that came to me about why it’s this way, didn’t to note it down, and it’s slipped my mind, for now. It’s going to come back to me another time anyway.
The feeling of the energy is something I can’t quite nail with words I currently know, as it’s a feeling that can be interpreted in different ways - as power, anxiety, desire, fear, encountering limits, desire to conquer etc. I was able to discern these possible interpretations through the thoughts I had in the moments where I felt them.
The common unifier is that the energy is heavily emotionally laden and responds to emotion, and, it seems to do so regardless of how the emotion is spurred.
Interesting stuff.
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When the energy is “excited” the first thing I get is similar to when the horns come in from the song above.
It’s like a vibration in my entire gut area, with subtle reverberations of that vibration traveling through my body.
Then I notice my heart rate quicken slightly, even though I’m still breathing normally. Followed by an “injection” into my blood stream, which generates this feeling
Also my new custom came in yesterday
Essence//Depths//Unveiled
Khan St1
Khan Black St1
Synergy: Subconscious Mastery
Experimental ZP Anti-Recon
Omnidimensional
Mosaic
Deep State
I’ve gone through so many names trying to capture what I intend for this custom and they just couldn’t do it justice. The complete name just came now, as I was writing this post. I don’t even know if using the “//“ makes any sense conventionally, but I like it and I’m using it.
Current stack is
E//D//U + EB + RoS
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I’d call it GENGHIS ST1 haha!
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I thought about it, but you already took it😜
How’s your experience when you used GHENGHIS, also are you still using IT?
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Lol! It’s fine by me bro. Use it if you like the name.
I really liked it although I need to run through the stages of Khan. I hadn’t done so after the NEW Khan update although I had run every previous version of it.
Currently am not using my GENGHIS custom but the aim is to get back to it one day. Right now there are other priorities in the way.
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Frame of identity is being questioned.
“If you see yourself as ‘this’ way, why aren’t you ‘this’?”
“If you truly believe ‘this’ why isn’t it working in your life?”
In essence, “where is your evidence and why aren’t you living it?”
And then a voice screams from the shadows “You fraud”, like it waits for that moment to come, every time.
“The one that speaks, but never comes to past. If only you had an achievement for every time you spoke, you’d be the greatest man alive”
PS
Writing this now actually cracks me up a little.
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Hmmmm…. Turns out this one’s a bust.
I have no idea of the core thing I learned or changed within me. From a conscious perspective, I didn’t achieve my goal with this stack. However, it is time to move on for now.
Need more grounding and internal structure before I can properly engage this current goal in a safe way.
Note the sub didn’t cause any harm, just realizing I need more growth in another area.
Time to bring in my one of my fantasy stacks GLM + HERO: Earth
GLM for embodiment of self and masculinity through inner stillness, presence and joy.
HERO: Earth for mastery of my physical form and embodiment of rituals (silence, prayer, stillness, exercising, etc) mentioned in a previous post.
I’ve been hesitating on this stack for a while, keeping it for next January. I might not go in-depth as I planned to next year, but it’s what I have to work on now.
This is the general idea
Gaddamn, this shit is a multifaceted multidimensional web that intersects everything, with new at the center.
Digging too much into one angle/topic triggers everything. It seems I have to keep digging around the periphery consistently, while laying the foundation to handle more focus.
I wish there was a manual for this. But where’s the fun in that?
“It’s expensive”
One of the phrases I dislike more as I live, and, I mean it in every sense.
I keep hearing things like “oh, that’s the optimal path, but it’s expensive” from my environment and each time I hear it, I fight “wtf do you mean it’s expensive?” And I proceed to come up with a way to directly offset that expense. Till…
I found myself saying that save phrase this past week, and, you know what?
I am angry and I’m done with that.
Today is such a beautiful one. And I’m not e be n talking about beauty stirred by anything. It’s beautiful because I identify it as so.
Being feels effortless, not power from dominance, just effortlessness from being and self amusement. Last time I felt something similar to was on Primal.
I’m sorry HERO: Earth, WANTED has bounced you😭
I feel like a damn model