My first big post talking about reconciliation in detail
TL;DR; now that I have a few months listening under my belt, I see how recon hits me on a macro level. I intensely want to switch or stop subs as my main symptom of recon. I also become “cocky” and stop following my good habits. I’ve been drinking alcohol after 4 years of being mostly sober. I also get unproductive if I’m overexposed but that only lasts for one, maybe two days.
TLDR # 2; I stopped listening to Heartsong after getting great results, and yesterday my girlfriend had a panic attack from Jealousy/insecurity/anxiety.
Day-by-day recon isn’t worth reporting, to me. The equation is simple on a micro-level… overexpose yourself to subs and you’ll regret it.
But I’m VERY interested in reconciliation on a macro level.
The biggest types of recon I feel are the desire to switch to a new sub, the desire to add more subs to my stack, exacerbated procrastination, and impulsivity.
Impulsivity is the most interesting one and has undone a fair chunk of the benefits that subs have given me… when I got a bit of success in the business, my first response was to drop all of my habits. I spent 4 whole years of my life being obsessed with sobriety and perfect routines so that I could figure myself out and make something of my life. I was pretty committed to healing my brain, increasing my work ethic, decreasing my ADHD, and overcompensating for drug and alcohol filled high-school years.
The moment I got a bit of success though, I stopped making the sacrifices that I had been making to get there. I got comfortable drinking again, and my habit quickly slipped into a multiple times per week occurrence where I’m drinking at least 2-3 glasses of wine "to relax."
At this moment, I’m really present to the fact that I’ve been choosing having fun, letting loose, and socializing over accomplishing my goals and living the life I want to live. I’ve become inconsistent. I don’t wake up in the mornings full of energy, I don’t work as hard as I did, and I make more mistakes.
The feeling that I have been living with these past few weeks as a result is a lack of total presence, often disappointment in myself that I can’t exactly articulate or describe, and a quite frequent feeling when I’m doing something else that I should actually be working.
I also stopped listening to a sub, we stopped listening to heartsong completely because I forgot about it/thought it was working its magic on us.
Now that I think about it, we stopped listening to Heartsong around the same time I started drinking alcohol again.
It’s been three weeks since we last listened to HS, and yesterday, my girlfriend’s hyper-anxiety and insecurity/jealousy came back in full force. It’s been one of those subs where we listen to it so infrequently and yet it gives such massive rewards… so I’ve been listening to it less and less expecting the same results. But stopping it completely was a forgetful mistake and bad idea.
2 days ago, my girlfriend had a full-blown panic attack about one girl that she knew I was going to be seeing with a group of friends I was going to hang out with. It was a big one. Heart POUNDING through her chest even after she’d kinda calmed down. Crying. Panic. Anger at me. The works. I didn’t see the onset of it, but I saw the aftermath, and we did fight when I did see her because of how much tense emotion was in the air. That’s the first time we’ve fought about someone else since the first time we listened to HS.
The next day, in an unrelated incident, she sent me a facebook message showing a screenshot of a female realtor that I follow on instagram with the accusatory message “I thought you said you don’t add your potential clients on Instagram.” followed by another message that she deleted after sending, probably because it was aggressive. She had comments about it in person, too, upset that I told her I don’t but then instagram recommended someone to her and it was a female realtor I follow. Her mind went straight to the worst place.
She later apologized for that, but it’s the type of thought process that I haven’t seen from her at all since my very first loop of Heartsong with her.
My girlfriend has become more anxious as a result of stopping listening, and I’ve become less easy-going around sex and have gone back to my pattern of being impossible to initiate to, not initiating myself very often, and watching more porn.
And also may I add, being the leader in your relationship to your woman that you know you can be!