Sungaze's Journal

Journals - Major Programs
#184

I had a fight with my girlfriend this morning.

She spent yesterday with some friends, and that reignited a familiar pang of jealousy within me. I’m grappling with whether this is rooted in my own insecurities or if there’s another underlying cause. I can’t shake the feeling that I harbor deep-seated anger that’s always looking for an outlet, often over imaginary scenarios (yesterday i even tried to figure out if there was a way to access her phone and see her chats :man_facepalming:)

Whenever there’s even a playful hint at questioning my masculine strength, my response tends to be overblown. In our intimate moments, it’s become evident that she desires a more assertive, dominant side of me. While I’ve made strides in this area compared to past relationships, there are moments when I find myself holding back. For instance, when she says things like, “tell me anything you want,” or comments about using my aggressive energy in our intimate moments, I just shut down.

I’m trying to discern whether this hesitancy stems from personal insecurity, shyness, or a fear of conflating she expressing her desires with commands (leading to a role reversal?). The idea of relinquishing control is challenging for me. Even something as simple as her taking the lead during our intimate moments feels strange and “danger”.

And this morning this raging side of me emerged. Even though we’d been playfully teasing each other, I suddenly uttered some rather harsh words.

Though we addressed the issue and reconnected later, I can’t help but feel that I might have caused a lasting hurt. This possibly ties back to the deep-rooted perfectionism I’ve had since childhood, this notion that “I mustn’t make mistakes” or the fear that “I inevitably ruin everything.”

As for Genesis I’m feeling stagnant. My direction remains unclear. Yet, there are days when I spontaneously experience gratitude for my blessings, which might be linked to the LBFH aura in Genesis.

Right now, my emotions are heavy. I’ve become acutely aware of my limitations in our relationship, and there’s this looming feeling that I’m on the path to damaging it.

Please, if someone can give me some help :pray:

#185

Question for you. Have you discussed any of these challenges with her? Not just the things that might hurt her after the fact, but the reasons why it’s showing up in your relationship?

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#186

Yes, things about repressed anger… fear of losing control/making mistakes… jelousy…

Sometimes my mind even fear I’m over exposing myself and ruin some ideal realtionship I guess

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#187

That’s good. My piece of advice is don’t ruminate on potentially damaging and ending the relationship. It can be a self fulfilling prophecy. It’s also an escape from the feelings being brought up in this relationship. If the relationship collapses then you don’t have to face those deeper emotions.

Keep being honest with her. The next time something does come up in the moment try to communicate that with her. Even if you can’t identify it clearly in the moment. Sometimes when you revisit things after the fact there’s time for defense mechanics to engage again or overthink. But if you tackle it in the moment there’s a spontaneity and less thinking and more feeling.

She sounds supportive. If she’s stuck around despite all this it seems like she wants you to open up more and connect.

Do you feel comfortable around her? Or does it feel like you’re on guard in a way?

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#188

I feel veeeeery good with her almost all the time… Still I feel I get “defensive” when something happens that apparently damage my image (as I was saying before not being assertive “enough”, in control, the thought of being cheated…)

#189

I’ve added S&S X to my stack that now is composed by:

  • Genesis (basically to find my purpose, no luck so far)
  • Wanted (physical shifting)
  • S&S (see here)

I’ve listened to it twice, but I’m still experiencing what is described in my post above

According to her, the issue is just her pre-cycle she has no desire (although I have doubts here because every now and then she has moments of desire).

For example, last night this happened:

I reached her at her house, the evening was pleasant and playful (even with sexual allusions, etc.).
Then we went to bed, we haven’t had sex for a while and with the fact that she’s pre-period I didn’t want to risk it (maybe I’m also shutting down a bit).

I think I have a very strong sexual energy chakra and I often start to feel like a fire in my lower abdomen, this makes it difficult for me to sleep.

In the morning I ask her how she is and she says that she is worried about me, seeing me having difficulty falling asleep she immediately thought that I missed sex, she felt “obliged” to do it but she held back.

I also ask her why she came to bed only in a t-shirt. She replies that she would have liked to receive oral sex, but she thought it was bad to ask because she didn’t want to reciprocate…

I say that lately we’re not “aligned” sexually and she bursts into tears. Because (first time I’ve heard it) she’s always had this problem, in her words “why does someone always have to want to have sex?”, “I thought about talking about it with the psychologist too”

I tell her that I don’t think she has any sexual problems, in fact she is the most sexual girl I have ever met. However, I think that mutual blocks are being created, and that it is not useful to put everything under the “umbrella” of the pre-cycle, that is just a way to not talk or think about this.

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Main Disc. Thread - The NEW Sex & Seduction X -- Now Available (Free Upgrade)
#190

Sorry to hear that man. SSX seems like a good add. Healing and escalation all at once with NRE. Curious to see what happens for you.

If you run your stack with Wanted on one Listening day, and then Gen/SS on another, she could likely benefit from the Gen/SS loops too!

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#191

Maybe next cycle

I was currently doing

  • Gen+Wanted
  • SSX

But I was thinking of rearraging it like you suggest because of Wanted energy consumption due to physical shifting

#192

She’d definitely benefit from SS.

This is definitely a case of her wanting to seduce you but feeling like she can’t.

And trust me, once you gave her oral sex, she would’ve gotten honey and had sex, 8 times out of 10 :joy:

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#193

Honestly?
This was happening waaaaay before SSX, basically since I know her (from march)

I gave her oral sex, and she says I’m amazing…
so… no, unfortunately

#194

what if you guys both listened to KB1 or Divine Diamond? I know that was discussed a few months ago but what are your current thoughts on that?

#195

She doesn’t listen to subs, neither know english

#196

That’s right. Forgot. Not even very very basic english?

#197

Yes, read and written. But to immediately understand when someone speaks it, I would say no

And anyway, is the script in very very basic english?

#198

There was a conversation like this once before and I remember it being said that the script was in basic english and even someone that didn’t speak much english should be able to benefit. You should definitely submit a support ticket tho. Things change.

Even if your girl can only read written english, that means that the words are locked into her subconscious…

Subconsciously we know the meaning to all the words we’ve ever tried to learn in a foreign language, but consciously we have to remember they’re meaning, what order they go in, how they’re supposed to sound. When we “remember” we are successfully tapping our subconscious, but when we “forget” we’re failing to tap into it.

My point is that because she can read english, her subconscious knows more english than she does, so it might work. And it won’t HURT her to run subliminals… either she doesn’t understand enough english to be affected at all, or she understands enough to be positively benefited. No harm in trying.

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#199

Anyways just read this today and thought it’s exactly what you were looking for, something to consider…

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#200

I’ve just started SSX and it’s supposed to wonders… I don’t wanna jump here and there

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#201

This morning unfolded into yet another intense conversation about sexuality…

The prospect of reviving the vibrant sexual connection we shared months ago appears to be slipping farther away for me.

For her, everything seems routine and ordinary. There’s nothing unusual – just the regular rhythm of her pre-menstrual cycle OR the arrival of her period OR and a general discomfort in her new apartment OR…
This morning, the issue was that I should caress her, kiss her neck, and engage in delicate conversation to arouse her… actions that, in truth, I undertake daily.

I’m contemplating whether the solution lies not in drawing closer but, rather, in taking a step back. Perhaps being less present will prompt her to discern the difference.

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#202

Have you thought about Diamond? Because it can make her more horny.

#203

She can try Limitless or BLE. On the one side, you will see if it working at all and on the other side, it can also lead to improving her English by better brain utilization.