Listened:
Yes three subs today, but UpX is my first listen in two weeks. Did it so I can focus more on work. The other two are part of the usual run. Khan Black ST2 is expected to start in May.
I must say, I continue to enjoy my runs of Daredevil. There’s clearly a difference in my socialization before and after I run it, even on a given day.
Time for another candid post.
Just now, I felt this: I honestly miss my hometown. And It’s only been a few days since I’ve arrived here. I didn’t want to think or feel this, but in those final days back there I was feeling it, too. Especially as I was doing my final hangouts.
There’s this one friend who it was especially frustrating with, because I had met them just last year. It was only after I revealed to them back in December that I’m leaving the area that we made plans to hang out much more. Of course, this year has had so many disruptions that the majority of our hangouts happened in the last few months! I wondered why it has to be like that. It does not help that as I came to know them better I learned we have a lot of things in common. I got the sense that they were like an older sibling, something I’ve rarely thought of anyone. Not only that, it felt like I was supposed to meet them a few years ago. Perhaps that would’ve been the case were the pandemic not to have gotten in the way. The way the friendship developed, a lot of hangouts had occurred between March and April. It was on the uptrend phase, the period that in my other friendships (whose development patterns I have noticed) I would consider to be the phase of rapid development. The problem here is that it was in that phase, and then it had to suddenly get cut off because of my move. They were also gone during my phase of “final hangouts” since they went off on a trip of their own (back since).
To me, what I got was a preview of a much larger friendship that I don’t know will ever happen. While I do not intend to stay in this new place I’ve moved to for life—I’m just here because it fits the current phase and goals I have—I also don’t intend to move back to the old region, simply because that’s not what will push me forward the right way in life. I’ll be going back to visit my parents from time to time and in fact, I’m doing that in a week. It’s quite a bit sooner than I had planned, but a wedding is bringing me back to the area. I first wished to stay only though that wedding weekend , but should I now stay longer, through the week?! My work would allow it since it has an office there, so that’s not the issue. But to enjoy that weekend, spend mother’s day with family and potentially meet up with the aforementioned friend as well as a few others?
I can’t believe I’m thinking like this. I’m looking to get acquainted in the new place and all this point I was in great consternation at the fact that the wedding was going to make me come back to the Bay so soon after moving. Though I’ve already resigned myself to the notion that this is going to be a very work-focused one, not one for much fun. There’s just too much going on there that I’ve been dealing with (albeit a bit slowly at times) while with all these big changes in my life. Adventuring, meeting new friends and dating—the big things that motivated me to move out—is simply going to have to wait until June.
The funny thing about my current circumstance is that I’m here at my new place by myself not because I chose to work from home or because I’d be bored outside with no friends to hang out with, it’s because I’m sick.
I wonder if some of these thoughts are from running Daredevil on a day when I’m staying all day at home.
Etheric cord cutting. While I’ve known of the concept for many years, I have not tried to use it for anything. It is most curious that that is the case, given all the thoughts I’ve had about the community back where I’m from and my desire to get away from them.
The concept came up during my recent visit back to that region. It was a sooner-than-ideal return but turned out to be an essential visit. I got to touch base with many people (some who did not know about my move) and see where they were in life. Many are making big changes, too—one plans to move away from there, a few are also considering moving out, too! One of my good friends who is into esoteric topics (hard to come by!) got it when I told them about these reconnects and how I felt that I was coming to peace about my decision to move. I had this idea in mind about “closing the connections,” but they suggested doing a practice to cut etheric cords. I thought that that was perfect.
Upon looking up what are the conditions to be ready to cut cords, I saw what was the key thing: to be at peace with that person/thing. Now it makes sense why it had not been brought to me earlier (and why it may not have worked earlier).
I write this all to say that I feel I’ve come to peace about my time there. When I first flew out I had a sense of “I need to get the heck out of here! I don’t want to see or hear from them again.” Leaving from this return visit, I thought “I’m at peace with the time I had here. It’s time to move on to the next chapter, and I wish all these people from my childhood and the community the best. I’ll live my life on my own terms as will they. Until next time.”
So I set my intention to release those connections. No longer shall I hold onto those energetic cords. I’m clearing them out so that I can have room for the new connections I’m making over here. I need not be disturbed by those people from back in the day, nor need I be the one to disturb them from afar. I now set my sights upon the people of my new area. Clean, new connections. While I could cross paths with the old ones in the future (e.g. they move to my new city and we click really well there), it’s not something I’m waiting out on. I’ve just assumed that they’re not part of the story moving forward.
So here I am now, with those energetic connections now removed. I’ve a lot coming up that I’ll be focusing on. New adventures, new friends, new relationships.
Here we go.
The new city’s been pretty good for me when it comes to meeting people and dating. There’s so many more opportunities here. What have I done?
The subliminals have assisted this well. I’ve been running the following stack:
Now what I plan to do starting tomorrow—the second half of the year—is to upgrade this stack to be more intense.
Would you look at that. I’ve been journaling elsewhere in light of a coaching program I’m currently undergoing to sharpen my skills in approaching women, which is why I haven’t updated this journal so much since 6 days ago (I started the program in June). I must say, that coaching along with this new environment has been changing me quickly. However, I’ve taken this weekend to slow down and rest up more.
You can imagine that it’s perfect to be running my current stack in light of that coaching:
The main things I have come up against in the last week really concern the following:
A lot of these things can be reworded and rephrased to apply to making new friends, too—particularly developing new close friendships. I’ve met a lot of new people in my time here, but how will I get close to them? There needs to be a developmental phase or key conversations that allow those friendships to be built quickly.
I ask that Primal Seduction and Daredevil assist me with these things and reveal the answers.
Well…this happened.
Essentially, I realized that I went sub-hopping. July timeframe:
Unfortunately, this wrecked me yesterday. Primal gave me serious recon. I became very inwardly drawn. My motivation to go out there and approach women dropped a lot. I stayed inside and watched a movie. And unfortunately…I did PMO as well. This is despite me going quite a while without it. Not good.
To counter this downslide, I am taking a break from subs for a bit. I want to do a 5-day washout at the least. And then, I will revert back to the stack I should have been with since the beginning of this month:
I have to thank @Sub.Zero, @Fire, and everyone else in that thread for commenting on my concerns. It seems that I went on a wild goose chase only to get back to the lesson to stick to my stack and not chase the next sub as answers to immediate problems. The whole thing started in response to some feedback I had gotten on the coaching program, but that feedback is addressable using my stack of SSX and DD. (Not much to say on KB ST3 => again, a natural progression from ST2).
I also want to make a bit more public my commitment to avoiding PMO. That stuff is just a waste of time and ultimately a destructive habit. What’s especially clear to me now is, it has no good place in the current story. Let’s talk about it in the context of what I want to do.
So I now commit to abstaining from all forms of porn (and definitely abstain from masturbating to porn). For masturbating, I want to continue upon NoFap as a lifestyle, circulating the sexual energy to the extent necessary to continue upon my development implicated by the stack and my goals.
I’ve been enjoying my stack post-washout:
This has been fairly smooth, save for the times when my sex drive goes up and I feel like unnecessarily wasting the energy. I avoid that on weekdays by going to the office. Today, I tried out a 10s microloop of SSX for the first time and I noticed it did help me out in some daygame-related practices today. Of course, I’ve quite a ways to go before I get good at this stuff. This is why I intend to stick with this stack all through summer, through the end of my coaching program.
I wish major name embeds were already here—they would most likely help me with SSX the most, given that’s the program I’m on with the biggest room for growth. I want to daygame effortlessly and get numbers from women who are genuinely into me, and go on dates with them. I want to be able to meet people organically.
Stack so far has been the same. Here’s what I’ve been doing as of late:
Main stack:
Weekday bonus:
Weekly addon:
I found that AsCh still works, based off of the way I got so horny earlier today. Unfortunately it wasn’t timed right, I should have run the sexual part of my stack later in the day. I’ll keep that in mind for next time.
I’m still running through that coaching program.
Random thought: I don’t want to get another QTKS sub until ZPU exists. Haha
This summer has been very eventful, and I haven’t journaled enough about it. I can’t believe that it’s August 11th already. I would not say that the summer “flew just by,” because so much happened each week. I scroll back to my previous entries and I see that between each entry is a a significant chunk of time. That’s unfortunate. I should be journaling more consistently, especially given the current program I’m going through.
In this summer I’ve been getting into the new big city life that I’ve been wanting for sometime. There’s so many events here and new experiences that I just wasn’t having back where I’m from. I just look at what happened over the past week and it’s astonishing—I did not do most of that stuff elsewhere. I’m so grateful to be able to live here. However, lately it’s become a bit much. Yesterday I got burnt out from socializing and being out and about, because I had been outside (after work, for fun, for experiences etc.) from Monday through Saturday. Now that is a lot. I decided I need time to rest, to recover my social energy for the next big thing. This coming Thursday, I will be attending a singles mixer event (read: not speed-dating). I haven’t been to this kind of event since late June and so I want to be sure I show up as my best self.
That event is related to this next point: One of the biggest skills I’ve been picking up this summer has to do with dating—game. You see, I’ve been undergoing a coaching program related to that skill, and my subliminal stack has been designed to go with it.
I’ve gone through a majority of the program and I must say that it has been very helpful! Prior to this summer, I had never approached anyone. And now I can do it quite a bit! It really helps that I’m in a city (as opposed to a suburban area) that is conducive to this type of stuff. I’ve had a really good mentor, too. But I still have some challenges.
I feel like overcoming the latter marks the fundamental shift I need for my dating life. Can this be changed? I think so and I must find the way.
As I continue to go through this program and find my way in this new city, I intend to do the following:
The social burnout that occurred yesterday really threw me off, because I just decided to call it quits and lost the motivation to socialize, to do anything outside. In fact, unlike last week I intend not to go to any events until Thursday. Additionally, due to the mental burnout, I’m taking a break from the subs until Thursday, which is when the event is. I will then get myself powered up quickly by running DR ST3, SSX, and AsCh all in one go an hour before the event (and after the workday)!
After another nonsense session of messing around with my sexual energy, I’ve decided I’m going to make the final jump in the Khan Black multistage. That’s right—I’m moving to ST4 when I continue this Thursday. This is despite my initial plans to run ST3 until the end of that coaching program which is expected to finish in September. The reason for this is that although I am undoubtedly benefiting from ST3’s sexual energy boost, I am also finding it a bit tougher than expected to not mess around with that energy.
I mean, I haven’t gone much more than two weeks on ST3 before I bussanut, nomsayin? 
And even though ST3 is probably helping me recover much faster from those releases, it doesn’t sit well with me that I do that stuff (even if fairly infrequently now). I know from experience that ST1 works extremely well to remove that behavior and I found that sometimes interleaving it in my stack has helped a little bit. Why not let myself benefit from the discipline and control while I continue to cultivate my sexual energy? I’ve been running KB ST3 since July 1, so by the time I continue on Thursday it will have been 45 days, the minimum suggested amount for a single-stage run.
With ST4 I’ll be able to benefit from it all: the removal of sexual limitations and the cultivation of sexual energy (and simultaneously the energetic channels needed to handle that energy). It might be slower than running one of the individual stages, but that’s fine by me. Give me the sexual energy AND the proper discipline/mindset to go with it together.
I want to have sustainable consistent growth rather than wild ups and downs; it was truly wild when, after I ran KB ST3, SSX and AsCh all in one go last Friday, I felt so horny at work that I wanted to have sex with one of my female friends whom I have no romantic interest in.
The final stage of The Crucible brings together the previous three stages, melding their transformative power into a single, all-encompassing subliminal program. The Crucible Combined will see you wielding your newfound sexual energy, charisma, and magnetism with absolute mastery, achieving levels of personal power previously thought unattainable.
I really like the idea of KB ST4. In a way akin to what @Malkuth once said, it’ll become the engine of my subliminal stack. This is significant especially as my stack has become very much focused on my dating, romance, and social life. This is nearly the opposite of what it was during the pandemic. I would like to keep KB ST4 in my stack until I have achieved my big dating and romantic goals. This means it can be in my stack for quite a long time, as it’ll persist:
I imagine KB ST4 will be in my stack for quite some time. I really do want it to help me all throughout this whole adventure that has arisen out of my desire to be more social, to have massive success in dating (especially in game and other interactions), and to continue to kick ass in my career. I mention the social and career stuff with ST4 because I do believe this title helps with those things.
So there you have it. I can’t wait to run this stack on Thursday, before a singles event:
Had another coaching call today. This time, I got a second opinion from a woman coach I’ve worked with during the program. What she pointed out as my sticking points pretty much sealed the deal for me regarding going back to ST4.
My big sticking points appear to be with perfectionism (which relates to having “internal freedom” when it comes to how I present myself to women I am interested in) as well as sexual shame. Yep, you read that right :-\ . I think that’s something I’ve known about deep down for a while (it’s probably a factor in some recent behavior), but once the coach presented some straightforward tests to me, it readily became apparent that this issue exists.
Now let’s take a look at ST1’s description.
The first stage of The Crucible is an intense and transformative healing process. This stage delves deep into your psyche, targeting and repairing any traumas, insecurities, or limiting beliefs surrounding your sexual energy and sexuality. As you immerse yourself in this healing stage, you will feel the shackles that once bound you to mediocrity shatter, and a newfound sense of freedom will surge through your being.
I need that stuff. Not just for the sexual discipline but to absolutely clear the sexual shame that’s stopping me from being my best masculine self.
I am REALLY looking forward to running a full loop of ST4 tomorrow.
Full duration of all titles unless otherwise stated.
Singles event—got two numbers, talked about going on a date with one of them next week. At another place, did a night approach with a friend. That was nice. But in the singles event where one showed high interest in me I clearly saw the issue with sexual shame and trying to be perfect pop up. It frustrated me in retrospect because I felt there were opportunities to escalate further. My friend had even suggested the idea that maybe I could have tried to just pull tonight. But that’s uncharted territory for me. I knew she was getting closer and closer to me…but was I supposed to kiss her? Or escalate this somehow? I got her number/IG and flouted the idea of a date and all (which is actually a better result than most of my approaches this summer), but after what my friend said it felt like I could have tried more, and I think I didn’t because of these issues.
I must get over this.
Listened:
…Yea, that’s a lot of listening. I found myself reaching for a full run of UpX as a refresher (I’ll go back to microloops for it tomorrow). And then there’s the DD full loop so that I can get back the social energy. But it ended up being a lot of listen time. What ended up happening is I got processing recon in the latter half of the workday and I wasn’t productive (despite me having run UpX to be productive). Now that is funny.
There was a while where I was thinking about leaving work early to do some nonsense back at my apartment. But I told myself I should stick around not only for the food but also because of why I came to this city. I have particular things I want to accomplish and I don’t want to get in my path of success.
Processing recon sure is weird. This is the first time that it’s happened to me in a long time. I differentiate it from the other types of recon by the heaviness I experience in my head. And processing recon is a surefire sign that what I’ve got to do is reduce the listening time of my subs. Yea, I said that I wanted to run UpX at full duration today but that should have come with a tradeoff, like the tradeoff of not running DD and/or SSX today. Instead I just
I think I also fell into the old trap of trying to get the subliminal to do all the work for me. I see this especially be the case around DR ST4 and sexual discipline. I think I’ve been slipping there (though not to the extent that I was with ST3) despite the scripting of ST1 because I try to depend on that ST1 scripting to do the work of making me practice NoFap. But there’s no subliminal that’s going to force me to take my hand away (know what I mean?), just as how there’s no force right now that is making me be nonpracticing. It’s all within my control and I have to pledge once again.
Now…despite what’s going on with the sexual discipline as of late, I did see some interesting results with ST4 between Thursday and Saturday last week (first and second runs of ST4). I got approached by a woman at a singles event on Thursday, and on Saturday I got approached by two different women during the day. The first one on Saturday I didn’t even recognize what was going on since I was in the middle of something at a coffee shop, but the second one I took action on.
Now look…I get the sense ST4 is increasing my sexual energy and changing its outward projection in a brand new, probably really fantastic way. I notice that I got looks even today as I was on my way to and from work. Random women I never met before even greeted me as she entered the elevator and as I left.
This tells me that the sexual energy scripting boost, projection (and synchronization with SSX?) is working despite the recent masturbation. This is a testament to how far SubClub has gone with their sub. Now what is going to happen when, with this journal entry, I pledge to stop (once again, this time making sure I’m giving a genuine intention) and I let that energy build up? What will happen when I choose to play nicely with the discipline scripting that is surely in there, instead of trying to do whatever and thinking “Don’t worry, the sub will cancel it out?” That’s when I’ll be flooded with some magical results. Hell, that can even happen later this week if I stop being silly about the discipline part. I’d gladly welcome something showing up by Wednesday.
I get the sense that by my decision to play nicely with ST4 (which I am promising myself by writing this journal entry) I will see results fast. Fast enough to appreciate not only the energy scripting of ST3 but also the amazing healing scripting of ST1.
Let’s do this for real.
Now this is something. It’s been three months since I’ve moved to the city. So much has happened since the start of this new life. Work has been dynamic. I keep getting more opportunities to properly demonstrate that I’m still an excellent performer at my level. And working out of the office here is fun—I like it more than the previous office primarily due to how easy it is to get there and how it’s close by to so many great things I can do afterward. My only gripe here would be in how often I’m working there by myself, but recently that’s been just a factor of others on my team traveling far and wide.
Now having been here for three months, I can say I’m glad I worked through my early career elsewhere. It would have been harder to focus on that stuff while in this city due to all the fun stuff happening here (would I have worked those long hours back in the day? Would I have saved as much? Would I have been as career-minded to begin with?). I will say, that having Index Gate: Ultimate Programmer X helps out a lot here since that subliminal allows me to get the boost I need. And thanks to how developed I already am in this field, I’m able to run it as a fourth title in my stack via microloops on workdays. Now that is something.
Financially, I’m doing just fine. I’ll just say, I’m very grateful for the kind of job I have—it pays well for me to live comfortably here. I’m also still saving, though perhaps not as fast as I was before the move since this city has so many great experiences to spend on.
Then there’s fitness. I’ve been making it a habit to go to the gym five days a week. It seemed like this would be easy given I was going six days before I moved. But the eventful nature of even weekdays sometimes makes this hard. I had not gone for a few weeks before I restarted my routine in the middle of last month. I like going to the gym primarily to ensure I remain lean, don’t lose my muscle, and maintain a solid masculine frame.
Last but not least, there’s the social/romance part. This is the part that my subliminal stack primarily focuses on now, and for good reason. Nearly all of my reasons for moving to this area have to do with this part of my life. And I have to say, I’ve been thoroughly enjoying it. From dance class to comedy shows to other social events, there have been a lot of things happening that have given me an awesome adventure. Daredevil has been an amazing subliminal to have in my stack, because of the social energy, the skills enhancement, and possibly the inner circle scripting helping to bring in cool friends. If I include both guys and girls I talked to for friend/romance purposes, we’re looking at around 100 people or so.
That coaching program I’ve been doing this summer has been cool. From the beginning it gave me a big jump. I had never approached a single girl my entire life until this summer and I had closed on the first try. Can you believe that? That was a sign that I had this ability locked within me for a long time and I needed the right place, environment and state of mind to bring it out. I’ve been getting coached throughout the summer on primarily daygame, and this is why I’ve had SSX in my stack for so long. I’m still not done with the program; I’ve had my moments where I’ve paced a little slower than I’d have liked. Right now features one such snag because I haven’t done all of the exercises of the current chapter just yet. However, I have seen changes in the way I meet women. I’ve done approaches in daylight, I’ve gotten dates via friends of friends, and as of three days ago now women are approaching me.
SSX and Daredevil have synergized fairly well:
It’s also clear to me that Khan Black has helped throughout all this. My only regret there would be that I did not start it earlier! In retrospect, it was funny that I had WB, SSX, and titles like that in my stack back in January. I should have started KB in January—then I would have been on ST4 by the time I got to this city and I would have been running that the whole summer. Oh well. Anyway, while the discipline is still a WIP, I’m still doing way better than I expected in terms of social/romance results and I think that’s because of the sexual energy I’m still generating plenty of with the help of KB (and potentially SSX, plus some social energy from DD) and the simple fact that I’m taking massive action.
One other benefit I have noted around maintaining my sexual discipline is that I have a more steady stream of energy that can be used for both social and romantic things. I think doing events 4 to 5 days a week consistently is possible with the help of my sexual energy and discipline.
And hey, I think even if ST4 is replenishing all my energy after each release I still don’t think that would convince me to go “well why not just be okay with releasing all the time?” The thing is, I think doing that (especially so often) will get my brain to think “The job’s been done, you can rest now. You don’t have to go out and about” and I really don’t like that. If I was in a solid relationship or having real fun sure that’s one thing…but that’s not what we’re talking about here. The job’s not been done, and I do want to be out and about. I don’t like things artificially sapping my motivation against being social and doing things to advance my romantic journey. I write this all to remind myself that even if ST4 is taking care of giving me sufficient sexual energy, I still have to make use of it properly. I’d rather not be in a situation where I have all of the energy but none of the motivation or desire because that desire is being artificially suppressed.
Listened:
…I get the sense that I need to start cutting down on listening duration for my titles, particularly ST4. What happened? I feel like I’m getting tired of all this “approaching” stuff, the key skill I’ve been working on this summer. Not to mention, I’m not exactly doing as much social events as I was two weeks ago so that means daredevil is also getting supressed. Mind you, I already had a subliminal washout recently (that was last week). I think the duration of ST4 may just be too long.
When I started ST4 last week, I got very excited because I saw the results of the first two listening days—they were days in which women approached me, the first time that’s ever happened while in this new area. I thought wow, ST4 is changing me so quickly and 15 minutes is an awesome duration to stick to, because I’ll keep getting those results (if not better)! Well, I was wrong. The results are so different last week vs this week. This week all my sets just did not work. I didn’t have any closes and the conversations didn’t really go that well, if at all.
It’s almost as if getting approached last week gave me a high, while the results of this week were like a comedown. Things this week didn’t really go that well as far as the skills of the program go. Work is good, on the other hand. A bit busier than I’d like, but that’s nothing new. I’m just grateful I’m able to run UpX microloops alongside the rest of my stack.
So it makes me think, what is going on with me? Can I truly succeed with approaching and being good with women? I felt like ST4 gave me a preview of what’s possible (a reality where women approach me regularly) and then took it away. I now recognize that was the trailer effect. I itch so much to have that kind of life on the regular…I want to work towards it. How do I get there?
How can ST4 clear away the sexual shame and anything else that’s holding me back from expressing my true self? Can SSX allow me to pick up additional skills I may need? And continue to have the energy and support group (looking at DD) to accomplish it all?
Listened:
Middle of the workweek. I’ve just been focused on work lately. This is largely because I’m a little tired of this city’s intensity, and I’ve been mentally preparing for my upcoming trip. It’ll be the first trip I do since moving here. I at first wasn’t delighted by the interruption, but now I’m happy with it. What was first just going to be a flight for a friend’s wedding turned into a full-on trip that’ll take me across a few key cities I’ve never been to. I’ll get to do this trip with an amazing friend of mine who’s flying in from my hometown.
I didn’t expect that I’d be wishing for a trip to be recharging so soon, but I guess that’s what happens with this city. I had dedicated this summer to really becoming acquainted with the city and especially picking up the skill of game. That practice, by the way, feels like it happened a while ago already. My mind is playing tricks on me there. I remember when last week I started to have doubts about whether I can succeed at game and I realized “Wait, my mind’s playing tricks on me and I’m just tired.”
I’ve been looking for KB ST4 and Daredevil to amp me up. KB due to the sexual energy generation and DD due to the social energy it provides. However, it’s simply taking some time. I feel so tired from it all. I bet it’s my mind processing everything that’s happened (alongside all the subliminal input). My mind needs time to make sense of it all and integrate the lessons. I can tell that KB ST4 is causing some of that slowdown due to the healing element of it. I’ve got to cut back on the listening duration again, I was doing good with 3 minutes but for some reason thought 15 minute was a good idea today!
I can’t run a full loop of KB ST4 without it causing some kind of slowdown, so I need to keep at a shorter duration. I’m thinking my Friday run of titles will be as such. I’m tailoring it as such because my friend’s wedding ceremony is that day and perhaps I can meet people while charged up.
Writing this out, I wonder if I could utilize a different subliminal listening plan for the rest of the trip. The trip isn’t really about picking up women, I first and foremost want to enjoy traveling and spending time with my really great friends. So I’d do something like this:
I want to feel more confident tomorrow after I get my haircut. Right now I just feel sluggish and tired. Which is not fine by me, but I guess I do need to rest. I’ve got so much I want to do in the city and I need more energy. I know it’s possible to be more energetic, I was doing it throughout the entire summer. Bring that version of me back.
Listened yesterday:
Pretty good, I don’t get disturbed by it. I’m in the middle of a trip rn and I enjoy the smoothness of this setup.
Well, I’ll be. How has it been 30 days since I last made an entry here?
Many things have happened since, including that entire trip and the return to my area. I started a different stack last week which is as follows:
And this really got me going. Primal did start igniting some big change within me. I have to thank @Sub.Zero for that, I didn’t expect it to start getting me to take some novel action so quickly. Not after the last time I did a run with it back in July, where it took me out for a week due to crazy recon. It seems my development on the stacks prior to Primal, my real world experience and the fact that I’m starting with shorter loops (max at 5 minutes so far) has helped out.
Not so helpful unfortunately is Primal Nights (an upgraded version of Libertine, just for reference—I know this title hasn’t had much attention lately and I almost forgot the connection between those two title names myself). I’ve done weekly test loops of this in conjunction with events that would happen on the same day. Unfortunately, it doesn’t really do anything. I guess that really does have to be reserved for specific kinds of dates and other highly charged settings. It’s also possible I don’t have the required level of development for it yet—perhaps Primal will help me get to that point? Alas, I’m going to stop the test runs with Primal Nights for now. I don’t expect any sort of bloom to come from that (after all, I’ve done a total of three loops over three weeks).
Anyways, back to the stack. Last weekend was the premier demonstration of this new stack because I did an approach as part of a show (focused on dating). I never thought I’d do something like that, yet I chose to do it. I think people would call it a “set with the intention to fail” because I went in with no expectations of succeeding. It was more about being in the spotlight and seeing how I’d fare in that scenario. It didn’t work, but it turns out I’d be among the very few that entire night who did such a feat. So many guys came up to me to give me compliments and respect for doing what I did—many told me they could never be brave enough to do such a thing. My female friends also really liked it, one of them saying something along the lines of how it’s so amazing that she’s friends with someone so brave to do this. I got a lot of positive feedback and success. Nobody laughed at me that night.
And, I suspect, many women had respected me for trying, for being so brave. So much so, that I noticed in the afterparty that several women had looked at me. At the time, I was uncertain what that meant. Was it just because of my public appearance? Did they think that was weird, even? It took me until today to figure out what had happened. I suspect that I had piqued the interest of multiple women then, and that those women wanted me to go up to them and talk. That suspicion would make sense given some of these glances and looks I had gotten, given some looks were much longer than the average I’d get in the past. I still distinctly remember how when I was chilling with some people right outside the afterparty that one of those women gave me a look, and even sort of held on to it as she walked passed me and stopped by my right side. The whites of her eyes were still widened, and it felt as if she was still look off to her side…towards me (but I can tell that she was setting up the notion of “looking for her friends.”). I had the thought to compliment her on her outfit, her dress, to start a conversation. That most likely would’ve worked, and she likely would’ve mentioned my show approach. So why didn’t I do this, or any approach with people who looked?
It’s a bit funny that only today I thought it’s because of the idea that because the women saw my bravery, they thought they could get me to talk to them simply by giving me a more-visual-than-usual glance. And they probably thought I was in the mood to approach too given the situation. Oh, but I had it backward by thinking my event fame would inspire them to approach me! On top of ideas that cultural baggage was getting in the way, I had also gotten lazy in the afterparty (aside from brief compliments and comments about the show, most of my convos were with guys and friends). I suspect that single showtime approach had overwhelmed my social (or romance?) battery and as a result led to the laziness afterwards. That’s not to excuse the venue from its poor design. I also did talk to a bunch of guys after the show (again, a lot came with a compliment opener )
I hope I did not make these women think that I thought they weren’t attractive…
Whenever I think of the event my mind gets a bit heavy. I know it’s been doing a lot of work to integrate it into my personal story about me getting good at approaching, at being more confident, being more brave. It is a significant event in both my social and romance journey. I have to be careful with Primal, this title really does hit me so I’ve been running it with significantly shortened loops. The longest I’ve done so far is 5 mins, but I think tomorrow I may cut it to even 1 minute. A few hours ago I was concerned about “changing too fast” which I never thought would be an issue.
I mean, this is the change I need. To be the bravest version of myself. To be able to live and speak my truth as a masculine man.
I became complacent, and I need to change. I must get out of this.
I became complacent.
It’s been over a month and a half since the last entry. Since then, I had a huge travel phase whereby I was out of the city for four consecutive weekends. The travels individually were cool. I got to see some friends get married, visit family and longtime friends and also go to a city new to me. That’s all fine and dandy. I got back from it all about 2.5 weeks ago and since then I’ve been fairly quiet in this city. I’ve been largely focused on work (admittedly it’s been busy until recently). Just this past weekend did the city events start to kick up again. I had a few nice social gathering with some familiars. I’m also preparing a shopping list for the upcoming Black Friday/Cyber Monday—no subliminals this time (I’d say I got my hands full there). It’s mostly about fashion and utilities I want to organize my space in light of the upcoming winter. I’ll admit, I’ve also looked at pheromones again to see what can help me with what I’ll talk about below…but anyways.
Quite a few things are bothering me. It comes down to this: Where’s my mojo? My desire to go out and be as energetic as I was during the summer? To go on dates? Oddly enough, I started fapping again recently—not good, even with Khan Black ST1. Just moments ago I decided to track this habit more closely. I think the metric in of itself can be a motivating factor for me. I think the mentality driving that behavior is linked to all the questions.
I’ve been in-between contentment and slight dissatisfaction these past few weeks. Due to work I feel captive in my day-to-day. I haven’t gotten used to the flow of these colder months in the new area just yet. I’m sure the decrease in sunlight also plays a part too. Working in the office all day only to come out as it’s dark isn’t the best. But I’ve also not been looking for weekday events. I’m not in the mood to reach out to that many people. I’ve been having some text conversations with some women for a meetup and neither are particularly responsive. With one of them, our schedules have simply misaligned for so long I’m starting to think it’s not worth trying to continue the effort. And the other, its a bit disheartening with their lack of response…it’s been quite some time now since I went on that date with her (or anyone else for that matter). I think my sense of feeling “captive” and “stuck” in the dating situation also made me start thinking more about fapping. I’ve been doing that out of a sense of “not much else I can do,” of feeling stuck. I somehow got myself back into the belief state of being the best I can do to move towards happiness. I recognized this when I was texting that woman a few days ago—when she responded, it felt good because I felt like I was moving towards something more substantial in my life. Texting her and getting somewhere with it made me feel like abstaining. But all that texting stopped in the last few days…and I may have fallen into a state of despondency.
I paused hard with regards to that coaching program for approaching people. I’m technically in the last few weeks of the program and had I been doing it at a regular schedule, it would have been completed in September. Yet here I am. As far as being able to complete it, the remaining weeks of it focus on night game which is just alright. Night game historically hasn’t been my thing, but it is something that becomes more important during the colder months when the days get shorter…so it’s actually OK that the final weeks focus on that since it’s the scenario I’m going to be in more often during winter. I just feel bad that I hit a standstill on this. What happened to me? I need to get to the finish line. For myself. For my mentor. For everyone I’m going to meet.
Even if this state is temporary (and I believe it to be so), I have to take action to get out of it. I can’t fall into a personal winter like I used to in the past. It’s been a few years since that winter has happened, but I remember it happening around this time of the year. But I’m in a different city and I’m here to live up to different standards and excuses. I can’t accept being lame and mediocre. I’m sick and tired of this.
What are some things I can do to make myself feel better?
Let’s do this again. I want to start shortening the time between my journals to 1 week. I’d like to journal at least weekly. It’s such a beneficial practice that I’m surprised I didn’t do it very often on here throughout the summer (granted, I did do some separate journaling for some stuff I was working on during then).
Why, I remember when I’d journal every single day during the pandemic. It was incredibly helpful when I was running Dragon Reborn (a long separate journal exists for that one)! And I feel I am once again going through major changes. Rather, I’ve been going through major changes throughout this entire year and the past month has marked yet another arc in my journey. I’ve been in a different state of mind since the end of summer and after all of the traveling I did recently. I’ve been giving myself the excuse that work has been busy, but that fails to cover all of the recent changes and lack of momentum that’s occurred outside of the work (and on weekends).
I wrote down two weeks ago about What are some things can I do to make myself feel better? I haven’t returned to frequent lifting and the morning routine yet (doesn’t help that I had a procedure last week that required me to stop exercising for a week since it’d introduce some inflammation I’d like to avoid). I really want back that zest for life that I was having throughout the summer. But do I need to be adventuring five days a week all the time? I don’t think so. Earlier today, a coworker nonchalantly told me over dinner, “unlike you, I do enjoy staying at home.” Unaffected in mood as I was, I couldn’t help but say that I do find the time at home valuable, especially since there are a lot of things that don’t have to do with being outside, such as journaling or some of my other goals which currently need a lot of research for me to get started. It’s unfortunate to hear this statement that I don’t find time at home valuable; having identified as an introvert for most of my life in which I’ve known that word, introversion and especially introspection has played a big part in who I am. Why, I might even say that the qualities of my priorly-heavy introversion as well as introspection is what’s allowed me to change and become more outgoing and adventurous. Ironically, I appreciated my introversion more as I moved further towards extroversion.
At this point I dropped using these labels (as well as interest in doing the four-letter personality tests frequently) since it’s not particularly needed for my current goals. No longer do I strive to become more extroverted. More social I can be, but more social would be relative to my historic performance given the amazing high I reached during the summer. Not to mention, I ultimately want to have high-quality connections, not high quantity—if I am known among many, that’s cool but I don’t think it’s what I need. I am reminded of my friend (acquaintance?) who was called the most social single—they have tens of thousands of followers. They’re always busy with some social event (and have managed to be single too, impressive). I don’t think I’d be that much happier being in that situation. I want a few very good new friends out of my time in this city. I can even state a precise number, too (with lower and upper bounds to boot)—though one of my newer friends protested a few days ago that there could be a better way to look at social goals (even if that number is what I have thought as a reasonable, single-digit number).
What do I want to do right now?