Reading through my old handwritten journals, I’ve never done this before. Literally 11 years of writing before me, it’s wild to read now. I can even gauge my mental state based on the etchings themselves.
Some of the highlights…
September 27, 2016:
“What if I could write anything, and that “anything” would make sense? Because these thoughts are a mess, which I’m pretty sure is a line from a Biggie song or something. Oh look at me with my knowledge of “culture”. I’m “cultured” apparently. […] I wanted to refer to some ad or commercial but then I thought “that’s way too David Foster Wallace” of me, only for me to realize that 1) what does “too David Foster Wallace” even mean, and 2) how the fuck am I supposed to know? I’ve never read a thing from him in my life.
"He’s one of my biggest influences.” Yeah, thanks buddy."
Proud to see that I’m still a snarky cunt 10 years later.
February 22, 2021:
“We had our own little world and you left me alone inside it.”
That line hits, because it’s repeated again, with the girl I left a few weeks ago. Only she’s the one left alone in the world and here I am, trying to figure out what is fucking wrong with me that I would let go of something so beautiful.
March 12, 2021:
“I used to think being strong was not being affected. No. Being strong is letting it affect you but being able to move past it; seeing the pain, walking through it, letting it flow through you, and then letting it leave.
You can break and still be strong.”
Damn. You can break and still be strong.
October 29, 2023:
"What is Belgium? Belgium is sweet melancholy. A beautiful woman, but not too beautiful, outstaged by her sisters. A humble, conventional beauty, like the small town girl next door.
Beyond her eyes lies a pensive sadness, an ocean of emotion kept under wraps by the veil she wears when facing the world. Her insecurity cannot be shown, cannot be known, except by those who meet her embrace.
But that embrace is only temporary.
She will push you away, like she does everyone else. But it’s ok, that’s just who she is."
Fuck. Sounds like I gotta learn my lessons from Belgium all over again.
November 2, 2023:
"The beautiful woman in the window with her gorgeous features, alluring eyes & mischievous smile, the dark night sky and fluorescent red lights juxtaposed with the glow of her high-waist thong underneath her plaid skirt […] underneath her sillicone chest covered by leather straps barely hiding her erect nipples, she does her absolute best to hide her shivers from the cold (but the goosebumps on her legs cannot). She is the girl who can’t meet your gaze, her shame is clear and her pain is real. Her lit cigarette brings her temporary relief but her struggle is unavoidable.
As countless men pass her by, gawking at her highly sexualized exterior, she wonders why she cannot reveal her true self to others. She feels accursed by the lifestyle, but she’s chained to her daytime material pleasure. There is no way out, so she accepts her fate and makes the best of it.
And so, the smile returns. The mischievous pout returns as she waddles her behind for the onlookers, and then the door opens. The blinds close, only briefly, before they are opened again, as she ushers the boy out while she adjusts her thong, bouncing her hips from side-to-side. And then the cycle repeats.
Beautiful. Sweet. Kind. Mischievous. Empty. Material. Robotic. Transactional. Temporary. Fleeting.
There is no time to be pensive, because life must go on."
damn that was good. Being horny is good for my creative juices apparently, I can picture the scene perfectly and I don’t even remember it. AND I WROTE IT.
November 3, 2023:
“I need to remember that if things don’t work out, it’s not about my own deficiencies. It could be deficiency, but it could also be timing, context, ultimately it doesn’t matter. What matters is that there is no special someone, but many special people out there and it’s just a matter of being patient. TBC”
And today I find myself actively working on this problem finally, when this problem was already identified 2 and a half years ago. But instead of healing, I built and bought Eros and used it to ignore the problems underneath.
2 and a half years later, and I’m back to where I was then. Buying a new version of Eros, but WITH a focus on healing because I need to stop the cycle. This little fucker wrote TBC smh, well here’s part 2 motherfucker.
January 24, 2024
“She looked in your eyes, and said:
‘You aren’t your father.’
‘I see your qualities, and I believe in you.’”
No wonder I fell for that girl.
January 27, 2024.
Final excerpt I’m going to note down here, because it’s straight forward.
Plan to have family:
Step 1 - Become a man.
- Gain greater control over emotions
- Positive self-conception
- Commitment to discipline & values
- Achieve independence financially
Step 2 - Find wife.
- Baseline minimum prettiness
- Smart
- Inspirational
- Feminine
- Either willing to convert or practice religion
This is where it all truly comes full circle. I wrote the plan out 2 years ago, and today I’ve created a custom entirely built around the execution of this plan. I’m happy to see and know that this plan was at least ingrained within me subconsciously, so the direction is there.
I had a rough 2025 and 2026 has been extremely chaotic as I try to steer all this towards the right direction. We lose our grip at times, but I think I’m getting it back.
