May it come sooner than you hope for.
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Seeing another girl, just not the same as the girl I broke up with earlier.
That was the best girl I’ve ever been with, and it just feels like nothing can compare. This new girl is reminding me of how basic people are, the games that are played are so juvenile. I really miss my girl, but I can’t talk to her.
I’ve already done too much to her, I need to change.
I found a therapist, looking forward to getting that much needed help and seeing the direction it’ll take. I need to change, or my traumas will forever prevent me from seeing happiness.
Struggling with the diet, doing my absolute best but it’s hard always being on a caloric deficit. I bought protein chips today as a treat for myself, nearly came from the fucking artificial flavoring god was that nice. Need to stay locked in for my 6 pack summer, and I don’t want any shortcuts either.
Went to a supplement store today, don’t know how the fuck this happened but I befriended the guy working there who then went and gave me an insane under-the-table discount. Idek how it happened, I was just talking mad shit about the supplements in the store and one thing led to another and he suddenly offered me a great deal. I’ve got WAY too many cores and modules to determine what the fuck contributed to that result, but it’s definitely nice.
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I miss her so fucking much.
She made my entire life better.
She literally made everything worth it, as long as I got to do it for her, with her.
She made me feel like a million bucks, to the point where I felt too good for her.
She was the best thing to ever happen to me, and I never fucking realized it because I literally don’t know or understand what it’s like to have good in my life, to have happiness and contentment.
It is such a foreign concept to me because my entire life has been nothing but war, even when it’s not. I’m just creating war and strife in times of peace, since it’s what I’m so accustomed to.
I just need to be patient with myself, I can heal with time.
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What is your subliminal plan for the next 2 weeks?
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Consistency is everything right?
I’ve got my stack of Eros, Gestalten and Regeneration that I’m maintaining for the time being and going to continue to stick to that solution.
I feel like I want to add Cosmic Navigator and Way of ROU to Gestalten, so I need to gameplan a v2 version of that title, determine what to sacrifice from it.
I want to run Summertime during the summer, and am debating between a Regeneration/Summertime combination versus just outright Summertime.
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I would encourage you to run any new builds and/or stacks through qOS after giving it some deep thougtht, and getting community input.
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Still debating. Want to continue to commit to the healing, but I don’t want it to interfere with Summertime.
At the same time I’ve been repeatedly told that they work in synchronicity, just with different angles. I don’t know, still debating.
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I’ve walked into this tunnel, underground, filled with dirt, dim lighting, the flicker of light bulbs, the smell of mildew (god I hate that smell), the sound of water falling into a puddle, 1
drop
at
a
time,
like a clock,
ticking the seconds down
1
more
second
passes
and the squeeze tightens
the grip of life on my throat
chokes the air out of my lungs
i gasp for air
as the tick
tock
of the water drops ring throughout
this cave, an echo that is so deafening it makes me wonder
what could it be,
to find the source of me
who and what I truly am
if I can make it through this hell.
But the grip loosens.
The droplets stop,
the tick tock turns into a pouring of rain
the shimmering sound of water rushing in.
The wave crashes against me, and I think to my self
‘this is the end’
as the water level rises.
Just when the chokehold lightens,
the drowning begins.
I can’t swim, so I’m destined for the end.
But the water was not my demise.
I can’t swim, but my body was built to float.
we all are.
Buoyancy is law.
I can struggle all I want.
But it’s when I relax,
That I begin to float.
I let myself go,
As The Water carries me,
to wherever I need to be.
What’s done is done,
My fate is sealed.
I have faith in my fate,
as what was meant for me, was meant to be,
and what wasn’t, was destined to avoid me.
Let myself go to the river,
and as it continues to flow,
i see a light shining.
The sun has risen.
The light basks my body and soul.
the radiance warms my heart,
and I feel the changes happening.
But “[REDACTED]”, He said,
“The sun was always there,”
“The clouds may hide its warmth,”
“But its love was always there”.
It was always there.
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The birds are chirping violently
Are they drowning out the noise,
Or engaging in the same conversations as us?
Them?
Us?
Had another special moment with a girl while running Eros.
Scared of what I might or might not be feeling.
Afraid of what’s happening, and how it ends.
Exposing my catastrophizing nature, how I assume good shit must end so I either try to speed it up via self destruction or I mentally play out the million ways it ends so that I can be more prepared emotionally when it does happen.
I need to be more present, and think less, especially to let go over that which I cannot control.
I am older, I have survived pain many times and I just have no choice but to go through it when it inevitably happens again in my life one way or another. I just need to focus on being present and enjoying what I can.
The bad can be turned into expressions of creativity, it can be transmuted into something greater than me.
So I just need to let go of outcomes, and accept life for what it is.
Moving in a month, life is taking quite a turn.
Think it’s time for me to pull the trigger on Summertime, and specifically a Regeneration/Summertime combo, because I’ve got a lot of healing to do still.
Trigger, pulled.
Regeneration work has been incredible. Had a massive eureka moment in therapy yesterday, I’m watching the pain from my soul slowly drip away.
Gestalten has made me sharper, more work driven, and my unstable work situation has improved since.
Eros’ effect on my social, physical and romantic life has been incredible, the change has been monumental in my life.
And now?
Summertime is coming.
I might be catching feelings for someone.
We experienced a special night together, we opened up and got closer. I find myself thinking about her, differently to other women in my recent past.
I find myself feeling fearful, the vulnerability is frightening.
This feeling I’m experiencing, makes me want to pull away.
I find myself catastrophizing, playing scenarios of destruction in my head thinking that will make it easier if I expect the worst.
It wouldn’t.
The pain would still be immense, and I would have wasted precious mental energy in creating negativity into my life when I should be practicing ultimate presence, ultimate awareness. That is the way of the creative man that I claim to be.
Do not formulate futures, do not dwell in the past. You have a NOW to attend to.
Why am I so afraid of hurt?
I’ve experienced it so many times, I should be conditioned to it by now.
I’ve survived and built myself back better and stronger every single time.
If anything, I should welcome pain as the greatest motivational force of my life.
Pain will never go forever.
You just get more used to it.
This is what life is.
This is what makes life.
Without pain, how can one ever appreciate the highs of life?
Eros is working. But I find myself afraid of what seems to be happening to me.
I need to embrace it for what it is, so that I don’t subtract the beauty of life from living.
I have Summertime/Regeneration coming soon.
I’m counting down the days, awaiting its arrival.
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Like butterflies, gracing your palm.
Beautiful, graceful, delicate, a marvel to behold.
Squeeze and you will kill that.
Move, and she can move with you.
Or she can fly away.
You can also stay still.
And she could fly away anyway.
Or she’ll stay.
But it isn’t your choice. It never was.
All you can do is be the best home for her, while she’s still there.
Gotta be the best man you can be. No other choice. She’s always gonna have her options, beauty is what we all live for after all. Without its freedom, beauty cannot be or you will destroy the very thing that you love.
Washing out since my last loop on Friday, been awhile since I washed out it feels like.
Summertime/Regeneration has arrived, haven’t ran a loop of it but I can feel it in my system already. Think I might start it next week. Maybe I’ll just cut subs until next week. I don’t know, feels like with my 2 dense af customs + a healing sub it would be a good thing to just ease off a bit before I come back to it.
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Will be running my first loop of Summertime/Regeneration tomorrow.
Had a massive moment of revelation while at therapy today, it was an extremely powerful moment that exposed both my shadow self and my wounded inner child. The inner darkness within me both protects and eats away at my soul. It’s done its job very well but now it cannot continue any longer, because its job is done and now it has become detrimental to who and what I am.
It’s a part of me that I’ve become dear to, like stockholm syndrome in many ways. I fear letting it go, because I don’t know how to live without it but this is a risk I must take to figure out and understand what needs to be done for me to heal these inner wounds once and for all.
Holy shit, major breakthrough.
No matter what, everything ends well.
No matter what.
I’ve had this tendency to think, “this isn’t going to end well” and that is so fucking wrong and far from the truth and almost self fulfilling, except that even if it felt self fulfilling in the short term, it always unfolded positively as time went on.
And time’s just a human construction ultimately, it’s not real at all.
It always ends for the better. It always ends well.
It clicks.
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Finished the alabaster girl and I just want to pick it up and reread it again. What a beautiful book.
“Maybe this will end in complete disaster” and “maybe this will be everything I ever wanted” contain the literal exact same amount of logical weight and probability.
And yet we just have this tendency to assume the negative to have a greater likelihood of happening. Why is that?
Because most of the time it ends negatively? Well guess what?
It’s because you think, you assume it’ll end negatively. You’re literally creating and breathing life into the negativity, announcing prophecies of shit on your temple on the mount of self-pity and low frequency.
That’s the fucking trap. Get out of it, and be patient. It will all unfold by itself.
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Achieved my first ever 6 pack.
I look at myself in the mirror and I am the version of me that I wanted to grow up becoming when I was a kid.
I’ve had a smile on all day.
Thank you Lord for everything you bless me with.
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Congratulations!! 
Is that from WB? Or Emperor? Or…?
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