The other day I noticed how at times on DR on the inside I feel a huge feeling of relaxation over me and then inside I feel 
or 
Yet I don’t actually cry or vomit.
DR is really strong and has made me face a number of my feelings that I didn’t even know I had.
Yeah. Those I didn’t know I had, or more often, those I’ve repeatedly pushed down since I feared feeling them (all were fears of failing). I too have felt the opposite emotions rising, like relaxation with sadness. It’s been pretty common.
Just want to share this. While writing just now, my mind went back maybe 8 years ago when I was focusing mentally on major traumas, but I didn’t have tools for alleviating or dealing with it. I’d juggle stuff in my mind constantly but was really terrified of making real changes. My fears were based on the belief that I’d just be stuck in a brand new (prison). I realize I’d shut my heart off then. I was in my head constantly, and it made me look “strong”. Nah. I was just hiding my pain better.
DR leads me a different direction. And for me, there’s an actual peace not knowing where that’s headed to. Just like the flashback I wrote about above, those imagined Stage 4 manifestations are all just mental understandings. Actually changing… is different. I can alllow it one day at a time. I am today. Doesn’t feel like “victory”, but it is honest.
That’s a more eloquent way of stating it than I could have!
Facing some recon this evening, but I’m seeing it.
Just minutes ago, I considered writing, and suddenly this ugly imagined forum exchange popped up in my head, so yeah, recon is real.
What I’ve been facing for days, even weeks now, is a letting go of old ties in my life. “Ties” is vague. They’re clearly limiting beliefs. I was driving for work today, I thought of doing something big (to me–unsure now what), and I almost heard my own thinking. It was the voice of a crying child saying “I CAN’T!!” It came from inside me. That limiting belief I’ve followed numerous times in my life.
Now that I think of what it was, it was about me leading people in some setting. I had been listening to emotional music all day driving, and what clicked for me was when I’m real (when I’m emotionally honest) people listen. The fear that surfaced when speaking to the group I was leading (in my head) was me being vulnerable with them. Being vulnerable takes courage and strength. I’m realizing my picture of courage was based on old images or fronts I thought worked. I’m realizing it was a lie to myself. Hiding (lying) takes so much work. Being honest is much simpler. And it’s still working on this in my head.
I thought it important to journal this.
EDIT: I got up to take a break, and became aware of the real fear. It wasn’t being vulnerable. It was being an actual mature adult. The crying child I heard earlier was the me I’ve tried to be, and to hide, all of my adult life. Fuck. I feared losing that “me”. Being mature and responsible has always been an undesired 2nd choice. I’d act mature for a while, but by covert or obvious ways (covert mostly), I’d communicate what I really wanted.
No wonder kids (no…I) don’t like growing up. It’s pretty embarrassing 
Thanks man!
I’ve been a bit quiet about the emotional upheaval I’m getting from DR. It’s tough. Sometimes I feel dazed. But the rewards are immense. Keep your eye on the prize mate!
I’m finding myself seeking the smaller victories vs. some big, brave achievement. Little accomplishments are LOUD to me.
For example, cleaning my few dishes over cleaning my whole room.
Sharing one truth vs. opening my entire closet of truths.
Little achievements encourage me. It makes the bigger aspirations seem possible.
I figured out a while back that the big victories are just collections of small ones. That’s helped me a lot. If you see every step as a win, it makes it a lot easier to keep going.
So true everyday you get up an put that small percentage toward you goal will eventually get you to 100%
God…
I’m feeling real soft. Crying on and off. Listening to some music that pushes me and makes me face my forced indifference. (that thinking says “I don’t want to care!”) I’ll share one video at the end. And 2 noticable things showed up today.
The first. I began…looking at women today, and it wasn’t because I was horny. No, my heart was opening, it seems. I spoke to one young woman as I delivered her stuff, and she was beautiful, thick, and a mother of 4. I know nothing about her. I was just attracted. I did pull back a little, out of courtesy for her 10yo (?) boy, who seemed very wary and possessive of his mom. I get that. Young boys don’t want to lose their mom. And again, I don’t know her story. I just noticed these behaviors and my felt reactions.
I ended up talking to one wife while I was delivering her stuff, and I wasn’t fully aware of my unspoken messages until I left. Her husband came out in the last minutes and I think he said something, for she distanced herself suddenly, so I packed up quickly and left.
But this relational opening was, and is, on my mind. I’m acting and feeling very different.
And most of the day I was willingly vulnerable and even uncomfortable with what I was feeling (working alone). I felt bad about half the day from subconsciously fighting what DR is doing, as it’s not getting what it wants. And…I’m desiring something now. I’m also still holding fears and barriers–I’m seeing this.
And then it came to me. DR is actively pulling back all my restrictions and barriers to loving myself. That’s why I still feel like shit sometimes, as I’m winding up my old hidden self-hurting messages and beliefs I’ve unconsciously held to. This seems to be drawing in others too, from my interactions today. I feel both fear and sadness when considering it, and…I’m not sure what happened today. It just happened. It was quite a day.
I have no answers. I’m mushy.
Here’s one of the videos I was watching earlier
I have been feeling a bit raw for… longer than I care to think about. But I’m feeling better. There is light at the end of this tunnel.
Chosen of Venus is active. DR is cleaning out the crud and old beliefs, and Chosen of Venus is doing something I didn’t anticipate.
Wow.
I’m doing stage 4 of DR in a custom with various healing modules that I will keep to myself at this point because the reconciliation has been harsh. Although I am getting great benefit.
I’ve also read what you mentioned about Chosen of Venus. I think you have been putting in some really good work and reflection. I’m happy for you. I would say once again, stay the course. Follow the guidelines. Keep your eyes on the prize. If you have Sanguine, please use it. And get sleep. Dreaming during sleep I think is especially helpful.
Struggle. That’s what’s been going on today. I listened to no loops this morning since I listened to a second loop last night, and I didn’t want to do another when it was still processing. I learned that in my first run of St1 last November.
The struggle
There’s this internal battle between allowing love in and saying NO to everything called love.
I saw this one attractive woman today, she showed interest (the Chosen of Venus aura must be loud), and I felt unconfident, or rather, unwilling to be myself around her. I was working off the top of my trailer pulling stuff out, I was being very physical and limber, and part of me felt angry at myself. I’ve not been believing in myself a lot lately, and I made use of old performance mindsets. I was hard on myself for hiding behind that.
Just saw something. I’ve begun both Kahn and EOG in years past, and with both I bailed after months on Stage 1, of each. What happened was the battle I shared above was happening in each, and neither reset my understanding of love. I ended up feeling defeated, having tried and failed again, and I pulled off mostly to quiet the inner self-criticism and blaming I was experiencing. Both subs work well. I needed something else though, an actual base to guide me. I needed love. (kind of scary airing this)
I have been drawing closer to God since I’ve learned He gives if I ask. I need help. But I have those exact same fears in me as I shared above. It’s not as hard really, for He has no unrealistic or overbearing expectations of me. Institutions often do, but from what I read, He doesn’t. I don’t need to make shit harder, so I haven’t. I’ve just been drawing closer lately
And may you keep getting closer to solutions and comfort and love until you finally have them all.
Thank you RV
I don’t think I have a story today, but I did want to document 2 things that happened.
I began my morning at work, and my mind began questioning my motives when I thought I’d just do what I’ve been doing lately. I’ve been listening to positive spiritual music most of my days while driving, but something in me questioned myself this morning. For many years, I have turned to music to hide out from stresses in life. Like I would turn it on and be in the singer’s reality, avoiding my own. It was an emotional shield for me, and something woke up in me today. I’m listening now, but I’m not hiding. It builds me up, it has positive messages, and it encourages me.
The inner questioning checked not the music, but my motivation for using it.
And secondly, I had unusual positive circumstances while interacting with customers today. In fact, 2 different customers asked for my name, and that almost never happens. One of those I’d begun a discussion with him since his neighborhood was older but well-kept. I lived in this town growing up, I enjoy the old architecture, so I opened the discussion. He even came up to my window while I was prepping for the next stop, and told me he was going to build a large garage with a loft on his lot next door. He said to check with him in about a year, and he’d rent me his loft (for a pretty low price). I’ve never had such an offer while on this job, but I credit my custom DR. I felt honored, actually. It was like “Wow. Did that really just happen?”
And lastly, I think I felt attachment destroyer today, and it was a relief. I’ll wait until later to share, for it’s still working in me.
I’m going to stop. I’m tired.
Prepare for more good things man! I’m glad you are on this forum! Please keep posting!
Still facing that inner questioning this morning, mostly since I usually hide out on weekends. I listened to a metal band brought up in the main DR thread, then went to Slayer, but it was just a “new” escape. It didn’t hold me. I followed a YT suggestion for some inspiring movie scenes, and …meh…I’ll come back later. I want to watch “Scent of A Woman” again. It’s been years.
I’m facing myself minute by minute. I’m going to do laundry and get out of my bubble for a while, and fear has been quietly reminding me of things I’ve been afraid of: being known, being myself, being…free. Just writing that had me tense up.
Facing change, or not, and accepting the known and unknown consequences of doing so.
Today is all I’ve got. It is a good day. Wishing it all wasn’t so unperfect, but acceptance is easier than stubborn resistance. I might go to a park, or a bookstore. My motive is seeing women.
(Who the f*** wrote this??!!)
Since listening to DR I have that feeling from time to time about things I’ve thought in the past.