I’m also going to add Stop Porn and Masturbation and Discordia Deliverance to my custom. I’d planned on the first originally, and the latter I’m seeing as useful since traces of unfocused anger and bitterness have been rising up lately. Nasty, destructive stuff there, a tool for self-sabotage.
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There is also Inner Gasoline, Stronger, Eye of the Storm, and Foundation. I realize I might be repeating myself.
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I just looked up Inner Gasoline. Not this sub’s focus, and SPAM is in there to keep me focused vs. escaping when under duress.
Foundation sounds positive. I’m thinking I’ll pass to keep a tighter focus vs. having too many modules. (yes, I’m questioning my thinking after writing that; Foundation is all about keeping focus)
Eye of the Storm…another good one too. I’m holding off at the moment. I messaged Fire right before responding here; he had suggested The Forge, I sat on it, and I wondered “who? Me?” My self-doubt has increased lately, I admitted it, and wondered if it might help me in this custom. I put it in my very first custom, and I felt good on it. He wrote it, so I asked the maker. I’ll follow his lead here.
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I opened up a post here, and a clear realization popped up.
What I felt was emotional discomfort, like I was trying to return to my old place of fearfully pushing everyone out. I think of my brothers, and presently, this is normal. I live 5 miles from one, 200 from another, but I’ve tended to live in a childlike fantasy of “I’ll be happier without them”. No contact, year to year. But truthfully, I’m not happy doing this. It causes me pain keeping this wall up. I do it here, and it’s why I feel this regularly. I feel sad almost EVERY time I come and write due to this old pattern of avoiding relationships.
I see a difference between completely depending on them (during childhood) vs. completely and purposefully avoiding them (in the present). That pain is there for a reason, so I should learn from it. Changing without learning profits me nothing. I just wonder “how do I do this?”
I just finished my loop of the stock St1, and I’m looking forward to using my custom.
However, the stock St1 is plenty busy.
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Hang in there dude!
Lesson 415 about life… some times there are no easy answer. Only answers to help you get what you want, some of which might be easier than others.
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Thank you for that @RVconsultant. I was penning my thoughts and being honest with myself. What I discussed was not majorly critical–but I was and am feeling those smaller truths tied to a bigger one, which is where the anxiety came from. That’s what was really pushing on my emotions.
I came to air/share a realization I had today at the end of my day.
Today…well, today was unusual for me. After getting to a stop really late, I went looking for my phone. I don’t know where it went, and tonight I’m going to get a new one. But not having a phone to talk to managers and coworkers today tested me. Most assignments were botched today–and I couldn’t go to old mental places like I’ve always done. That was what I realized near the end of my day. I didn’t feel helpless. I actually wrestled with myself over…taking initiative and finding simple solutions. They were right in front of me–but fear held me back. This made me wonder about this habit, for it easily leads to poor results for me. I kept wanting someone else to take responsibility for this, and I knew this was on me.
So, I realized something:
St1 is testing me, burning out old beliefs and “comfortable” (yeah, right) habits. What I usually turn to was not conscious for me. Like I was in a room with doors I’ve never opened, or rarely have, and those doors were my only choices to leave the room.
I realized this may be from the Forge, which is in all subliminals. The Forge tests you to make you better. Staying in one spot emotionally and mentally doesn’t help me. And it was consistently active all day.
And I ended up putting the Forge in my custom last night. This will be memorable.
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I think this is a wise insight.
As I was reading the first half of your post, I was wondering if you had the Forge.
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Change. Change is everything. It makes us alive. And deep change is what also what I’m seeing I’ve sidelined for a long time. An incident this afternoon showed me I’d been burying something, for it clearly emerged unexpectedly.
I had a pretty uneventful day, driving around to pick up items for a list of customers. I worked with a young, energetic temp worker, and my guard was down. Yesterday, after last week’s shock of a messed up day, I was looking for Forge incidents. The Forge allows times of testing. So, after nothing happening yesterday, I was not on hyper-alert. And then, it happened.
I had gotten back to our work yard and was ready to walk in to clock out. But I’d seen the nice female coworker, someone I’ve found myself eyeing lately. She was out in the parking lot walking to her car, which was being driven by her daughter with her young kids.
She waved me over to her car. Essentially, I got scared suddenly. Really scared, but I was ignoring it mostly. You know, that brushing off of strong feelings so as not to embarrass oneself. My coworker introduced me to her daughter, and…I put my foot in my mouth. I won’t share what I said, but my fear was controlling me, and almost immediately afterwords, I thought “Oh NOOO! WHY?!! WhyTF did I say THAT!!!” No obvious reaction from either of them, but I knew I’d fucked up.
I came home fearing a lot of social damage I may have done to myself. I panicked more driving home. I feel like I may have fucked up a good relationship. Lots of drama there, seriously.
I came home and put on my St1 custom. What’s occurred to me is that my ugly was put out there. The result of my negative thinking, fears, and beliefs I’ve had about women were spilled out in broad daylight.
My one move to counter the emotional impact was I purchased Love Bomb an hour after arriving home, not focused on loving her really, but to love myself. I was kicking my ass this morning while at home still, and I’d planned on purchasing it, even though it’s focused on the aura. I am listening to it now. Some change is felt, though I’m not identifying what exactly yet. DR will do the deeper healing.
This incident this afternoon had and has me feeling like a little boy seeking a mother’s attention, but missing the mark, once again. This isn’t strange for me, as I always sought it growing up, though it was very rarely given freely. So, it’s a mixture of love along with a deep and hidden hatred towards women. Like the Forge brought this up to show me the big secret I’ve been hiding from as an adult. I could summarize this whole story as “I was hurt. I’ve hidden from this my whole life. DR and the Forge brought it to light”. Tears came while writing that summary. This has been the life I’ve been living.
I even wonder if I want to share this. Fuck!
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I’m glad you took action to examine yourself and to better yourself with Love Bomb.
Now perhaps just maybe… something else happened…
There have been times I thought I really screwed up something, only to apologize and the person looks at me like “what are you apologizing for” or they don’t remember or they didn’t really think anything of it.
Breath. Journal. Love Bomb.
If you think an apology would help, then perhaps do so.
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Yeah. It’s possible it didn’t go south like I imagined. I’ll find out tomorrow. I pray for a blessing
Good odds that it wasn’t nearly as bad as you think. Unless you said something HUGELY socially unacceptable, which I don’t see you doing, they probably didn’t take offense to it. Since they didn’t react, I think I can assume you didn’t say anything that bad.
Her calling you over to meet her daughter is a good sign by the way.
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I already said one for you man! I mean I figure if I pray for myself, it’s all going out in the same direction: service and direction of goodness… so might as well include you man!
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DR is really changing something big in me. I’ve intentionally NOT written lately, as when I thought of it, I instantly went back to thinking fearfully and reactively. Since I’ve been here in 2018, I’ve consistently been motivated by other’s "atta boy"s. I’m not wanting that since restarting DR, so I’ve not written. To me, I’m seeing change and growth.
I’m also consistently challenging my normal relationships I have with males around me. I’ve normally been content with getting some attention and atta-boys from others, and I’m not needing that. I’m unsure if it’s a mental awareness or a lessening of fear, or both. It feels much less labor-intensive now than before, and…I’m feeling good about myself in it. For example, one coworker called out after me in the parking lot when I got to work this morning. He wondered if I was blowing him off. No 
, I just didn’t require his atta-boy or attention. It’s a nice change for me.
That’s my good news regarding DR. I’m considering doing this for 90 days like @James did. The old shit in me needs some whittling down, and it feels like St1 opens the door to our awareness of it. I think it desensitizes us to removing it, and St2 comes in and does some whole-house cleaning. I like such profound changes.
Other good news is that the verbal goof I’d done to my female coworker and her daughter didn’t have any effect like I thought it did. She was actually sweet to me the next day, which was very welcome.
Lastly, a Love Bomb connection here. I was pissy yesterday thinking of my supervisor’s subtle jabs at my performance over the last few days. I’ve found myself fuming a bit when working by myself. And today he directly complimented me on my work. He said he’d realized he’d only given me bad attention lately, and he thought it unfair, so he spoke up. When I came back at the end of my shift today, I thanked him, and he began again in a good way. Nice changes
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Honestly, theres nothing wrong with that. Atta boys feel good and at least for me provide a bit of my motivation to sit down every day, analyze my day, and write down the meaningful parts of my journey that occurred. Many of them might have escaped my notice if I didn’t do that. It seems to me that noticing these things helps create a positive feedback loop that makes the whole process more effective. The same probably goes for other people noticing and saying so.
As long as you are being honest with your entries (I don’t doubt it at all) go ahead and seek atta boys.
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Thanks @COWolfe. Given what I’ve shared so far, it’s very appropriate and very encouraging. Thank you for speaking up.
What I didn’t share directly was a growing awareness in me that I’ve been progressively aiming to receive that attention, and that’s felt wrong and manipulative to me. So, that’s the real reason I’ve not written. It’s being dishonest with myself mostly, and something needs to change. Me not writing every day was a way to come to terms with it. I’m not completely over it, but I’m not under it either. 
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I think that is wise because I’ve been wondering exactly what you said below
You are the MAN!
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You are very encouraging @RVconsultant! Thank you
I have been reading threads, allowing myself to feel what others are seeing and experiencing this morning. It’s got to be Love Bomb working in me, though it’s been 2 days since I listened. While reading the main DR thread, I sensed this inner desire to be more…authentic. I’ve used the word, I’ve known the word, and I let it go by me while not internalizing it.
I was afraid of being vulnerable. Or rather, afraid of having my heart stomped on while having my guard down. I got a memory of this old habit this morning. It’s Sunday, and the one thing that’s hijacked my feelings on Sundays often is the fear of going into work on Monday while still feeling vulnerable from the weekends. Shoving it down isn’t fun or desirable, and I’ve often sabotaged my Monday mornings (other mornings too) by dragging myself out of bed late and having to prep everything and rush at the last minute. The rush distracted me from facing my feelings.
I don’t want to do this. But, I think I will until I face my fear. What comes up in me is a fear of being abandoned, an old fear of mine. Maybe Pride Unbroken is at work on me at the moment, but that fear has had me reliving an old situation hundreds of times–and steering my life accordingly.
I sat a minute after writing that last sentence. I felt a fear of being labelled “weak”, so I began looking for what I could do…and another realization came. Fear prompted the decision to “do something about it”…but I didn’t start my day in such fear. I actually had to look for it. And while looking for it (taking just seconds), I found it and realized me trying to control it is sabotaging my success. Fear-prompted action yields self-sabotage. My mind finds solutions, so I’m practising allowing it.
What am I afraid of?
What’s the truth about those past situations?
Is it my fault it happened? Was it EVER my fault?
It was never my fault. I thought by owning it I could change it (an infant’s mindset and understanding).
Feeling more self-love the longer I write.
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I’m well over 90 days with Stage One .
Self love or SELF LOVE?
clarify that.