Yeah. Brainfart!
have you noticed any physical effects/ healing from Dragon Reborn as of yet?
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Nothing that I’ve noticed @Azriel But I’ve also been fairly healthy and active in keeping body wear to a minimum through alternative treatments
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very cool, thanks for the info 
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Day 5
Second rest day
Reconciliation has been trying to surface, and I’m noticing it. I got an email last night from a company who I bought meditation tracks from months back, I realized that might help, and I’m listening to a track now. It’s calming.
It feels brand new feeling my tense feelings and not being so reactive. I’ve noticed my mind feeling slightly pressured, and even my conscious thoughts move to a low grade “we’ve gotta make this better soon.” Low-grade reconciliation. But the meditation track is allowing me to feel more in control.
I feel the need to get out today. If DR is all about me letting go of fears and old mental (and physical) hideouts, then getting out may help. Taking some action. That bookstore, then boardwalk, is on my mind.
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I don’t have an explanation for this, but I was over reading @Michel’s journal, and I read this:
I actually remembered being at school in 7th grade. Lots of changes, lots of dreaming during that time. Most of it was about surfing and exploring.
The difference just showed up in my thinking.
Without fear: exploring, hoping, dreaming. I am free and unencumbered. I step out. I am free to explore.
With fear: Feeling unable to move physically or emotionally, as Mom was held by fear. And I was loyal to her. Let it be clearly stated that while remembering this I felt that subtle twinge of resentment. Mom lived in a very small world emotionally, and she never even looked for better ways to live. She lived without hope day to day (even writing this brings up some self-doubt and guilt). But at 11 years old, she was my Mom, the only one I turned to for feminine love.
I’ve spent a lot of time, like ALL my life, trying to discount and dismiss my need of her love. I share that since it’s connected to why I don’t date, nor have ever really dated. (I met my former wife at church). Women’s natural feminity reminds me of my unmet needs from Mom. Mixed feelings surface, but ultimately fear comes up, since I don’t want to mix the 2 realities. Holding eye contact with women is challenging due to that–again, it’s a world of difference between “without fear” and “with fear”.
Facing this fear seems to be the ONLY solution. (Part of me re-read that and hopes some of this shit will disappear on DR)
I’m mentally masturbating now, so I’m getting up. Gotta do laundry…bookstore (???)…
I will be nice to myself
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I get curious as well about how things could have been or how I potentially could have handled something differently looking back but that can rapidly become a source of resentment and regret which similar to feelings of envy and jealousy is literally a huge waste of time and energy. I would think a part of healing and maturing mentally and emotionally is recognizing this
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Well, I wasn’t looking back wishing something different had happened. Reading that quote had me remembering a very different time in life, and I reflected on the reason.
I’m focusing on what I can do differently and beneficially today–since looking back continuously keeps me in pain. I can’t change the past.
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Fair enough. My mistake
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No, really. My mistake.
I’ve been feeling DR pushing me all day. I’ve said at least once here today that I was getting out. But…I had not.
I put on v.1 of LD masked, running maybe 3 loops since it usually addresses my fears directly. I was even in bed when listening to the last of it. I was fearing…letting go of old fears, looking at my hasty reactions.
I got up and began getting ready. And my subtly angry response to you made sense suddenly.
I pasted my own brother’s dominating, controlling mentality on to you. Something clicked quickly in me with me seeing how I’ve let that voice direct me a lot in my life. I’ve pasted it on to coworkers as well.
So, I was the one who responded inappropriately. This was me. Thank you for speaking up, as I appreciate the guidance and suggestions.
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It’s fine. You and I have known each other for years. I was thinking earlier how sometimes it’s frustrating not necessarily knowing how to respond to something on an emotionally mature level. It seems more than a bit ridiculous that there isn’t any obvious examples unless I’m missing something.
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I guess it’s also my healing subs that’s making me remember and think of the possibilities, or what could have been, now that I am even more convinced these tools would help us.
As a kid, I went back and forth from being boisterous and feeling like the king of the world, to a shy wallflower.
The more I use these subs and read results from other journals the more I wish I had these tools sooner.
Perhaps if I had Limitless I would have brought honor upon my parents when I was still in school, like my other classmates did when they accumulated awards after awards, and I on the other hand was just getting by at best. Maybe I would have an impressive degree now, a fulfilling career, be respectable.
Daredevil might have helped me open up, make more friends and connections, be equipped to talk to new people, grab opportunities, instead of shying away and avoidance being my first instinct.
Sanguine to help me see things in a positive light, and maybe heal and deal with traumas I have already experienced at this age. It might have helped me see mental garbage for what they are and drop it sooner than carrying it with me for years. Focus on the good and refreshing than the bad and decay.
All these foundations would have been a blessing to me at this age, before I entered into my teen years which I have wasted.
I guess it’s also pointless on my part to lament about my lost youth, and lost time, but as a silver lining, I believe in what we are doing here, and if all works the way they are intended, the best is definitely yet to come for all of us.
Now that I am typing this, I realize DR would have been incredibly helpful to me as well. Alas I must stick with what I have now, in the hopes they would be enough to clear the cobwebs, oil the engine and get it running again.
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I like how you write @Apollo. It’s very heartfelt.
I’ve sat here and wondered why I’ve not had such regrets. And I know the answer, just giving it a second. I’ve tried to distance myself from my family and the memories for years, decades even.
And with that, I am feeling some regret. But more importantly, it’s something I can change. I’ve avoided my sister the last 2 years, as she’s constantly bitter over something. And…she’s like me. She wants to change, tries to change, yet is sidelined by her own thinking and conclusions.
I’ve thought of her a few times over this last week, as I used to be a regular for Thanksgiving with her and her family. I chose to make plans with a coworker and his family, which I’m doing.
I’m wondering if a one hour stopover at her place on T-day would be good to her. Texting her now.
Edit: Just texted her back and forth. I’ll go there in the evening
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I got out and did my laundry. To pass time, I thought I’d hit the book rack at Goodwill. I found a book with inspirational quotes and bought it basically new for $1.06.
The title caught my attention, considering my preoccupation recently: No Limits But the Sky
It’s all of maybe 30 pages with an inspirational focus. The first page locked me in:
Today’s achievement marks…
a fond farewell to yesterday,
a warm welcome to tomorrow.
the sunset of a beautiful part of the past,
the sunrise of a bright new future.
the beginning of new challenges,
the promise of success in the future,
and the anticipation of even greater happiness.
The future opens up before you
like a new book…
waiting for you
to commit to its pages
the story only you can write.
(My emotional attention grabbed on to the 2nd line: saying goodbye to yesterday.) I almost choked up, so I continued reading.
A quote here:
“One doesn’t discover new lands
without consenting to lose sight of the shore
for a very long time.” Andre Gide
Lots of quotes I interpreted through some old lenses I’ve used, but one was unmistakably positive and doable:
Seize the Day!
Maybe good things come
to those who wait,
but the best things come
to those who seize the moment
and make it their own.
And the one I could stand seeing every single day:
Overcome
“I have learned that success
is to be measured
not so much by the position
that one has reached in life
as by the obstacles
which he has overcome
while trying to succeed.”
Booker T. Washington
Life is good. I was looking for it 
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Day 6
1 loop of DR running
I felt fear this morning before running loops. I’m maybe 20 minutes in now. Dragon fires are brewing, as I’m trying to look back to old ways to cope with it, but I’m sitting here, doing nothing.
I’m scared in my gut. Maybe it’s pushing something out of me. I think it’s just having me sit here to realize…the world didn’t stop. Life is still moving on. I feel slightly stronger sitting here acknowledging it. I’m wondering
should I change it? Should I do something? (caught myself “shoulding” on myself)
The tension (what I’ve thought was fear) is felt in my gut. It seems to be changing each minute. I’m guessing (and hoping) it’s the Harmonic Singularity module working since the DR sales page speaks of removing bodily tensions.
And time flew while running it. The hour’s almost up.
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Amen to those beautiful lines.
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I always come here trying very hard to forget yesterday and its fears.
I’m leaving that. I’m realizing some stuff spontaneously, that came up, so I’m leaving it. I come here hoping you won’t remember my yesterday–and that’s how I’m living. Don’t know why. Don’t know how. Just am.
Hmmm… just got out of the shower. I used to shower in the morning, and my thoughts would open up. Did so.
New Beginnings was working on me some today. I was in the shower and thought “I’m glad this SOB sub is working”. I want to be honest with myself, and I’m not a lot.
Also, resentments are starting to surface. Will update later about this; it’s not fun.
I was worried about starting DR for one reason. Holiday season and time with friends and family is coming. Maybe it’s just NB, but I was anxious today since my norm of hiding my feelings (from myself) is challenged. Unsure what to expect, and the hiding has always been normal for me.
I’m listening to Elixer Ultima now, and it’s making me sleepy. Goodnight.
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I wanted to share something. I wrote that post above in your Q&A thread, and I know it’s true. I usually look to love myself when noone’s around. A childhood survival habit to reinforce a sense of self worth. Basically, giving = being loved.
But I wept 20 minutes ago thinking about something. This is a good thing.
I’m planning on joining a coworker and his family for Thanksgiving dinner. I’ve never met any of his family except his son, who worked with us for a while.
But I’ve been nervous on DR since it’s been unhinging my emotional restraints and normal inhibitions. I feared and imagined saying something dumb. Here’s why.
I am white. He is black, and I’ve never been with a full family like that. I’ve always been attracted to black families since they often live like…well, real families. They socialize, gossip, do all the things most people do, but they do it together. I love how they bond together and hold each other accountable for big and small things.
I like this since my own blood family is NOT like this at all. We’re all running solo. What’s my brother doing? I don’t know. My sister? Ditto. My other brother? No contact. It’s a very split family. Nothing holds us together, especially since my mom passed last year.
To ease my fears about spending time with them, I ran my custom Regeneration today twice in place of DR. I’ve not felt so fragile today. I’ll resume DR either Thursday night when home or Friday.
But why did I cry earlier this evening?
I have been focusing on eating good food lately (DR??), and earlier I imagined having a discussion with my coworker at his home on T-Day.
Me: If no one wants the turkey backbone and carcass, I’ll gladly take it home with me.
Cowrker: You gonna COOK? White people can’t cook good (said sarcastically with a laugh)
Me: Well…maybe. But I LOVE that stuff!
Coworker: what you gonna do with it?
Me: I’ll cook it down in my crockpot, add butter, some bacon fat, fixins, rice, veggies, and savor that stuff–for WEEKS. And one reason I’m here is hoping to leave with some soul food secrets!
I imagined me continuing to speak from the heart, without walls up, telling him and his family some of what I shared above.
This is when I began crying. I realized that in my imagination I was speaking without my walls up. By being myself, I felt I was sharing my heart. I cried since I was giving of myself–pieces of my heart.
I look forward to this
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I know what it’s like to have my defenses malfunctioning when I’m doing healing subliminals. If I feel irritable, I just stay to myself because I don’t want to snap at anyone. However, I’ve noticed the healing subliminals are getting easier as time goes on.
I was reading Herbie Hancock’s autobiography. He talked about when he had to go to a predominantly white school. He felt nervous. But he got there and everything went fine.
He came home on his first day and said something like “Mom! They are just like us!”
Since the Black Lives Matter has gotten more media attention, I decided to re-watch some documentaries on black identity that I had seen a number of years ago. I also watched a few more.
I’d encourage you to go with an open mind and you might be surprised what a good time you have.
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